Once an Empath becomes aware of their birthright everything about their life makes sense. It becomes clear why they feel all they do. Having clarification starts the healing process. Being aware helps the Empath differentiate between other people’s energy and their own.
When we recognize what belongs to us and what belongs to others we can reclaim our power. It enables us to tune out the energy not belonging to us and take measures to stop it seeping into our consciousness. But before we can allow for total transformation we must understand any damage it has caused. Other people’s insecurities can unknowingly become our own and their fears, the voice within our head. It is important for the Empath to uncover any emotional energy picked up from another and mistakenly taken on as their own.
To find balance and stability in our life we also need to understand how we were affected by the people from our past. Our past personal encounters contribute to the insecurities we carry today. To overcome nonsensical emotional issues and pain we need to first discover their origin. The aim of this Secret is to do just that.
If someone were to endure the equivalent in physical pain the Empath experiences in emotions, they would be hailed as a brave hero. Yet this is a far cry from how most Empaths see themselves. Empaths learn to back away from situations where others are out to harm them with their words or intent; instead of standing to fight. Some may see this as cowardice. It is not. Backing away from an ego-driven disagreement is a sign of intuition, intelligence and strength. Empaths intuitively know if another person can see two sides of a story (although it may take a while for us to stop trying to get them to see our side) and if they don’t, we back away. Staying to fight or argue is often sparked by the ego’s need to be right. Through the emotional pain they experience in life, Empaths learn to see the bigger picture and do not need to prove another’s ego wrong. The majority of people only want to hear their part of the story and have no interest in hearing a side that may make them wrong. No one likes to be wrong. When the ego is running the show it will fight to be right and it will lie to win an argument. There is a very apt saying that springs to mind here:
‘Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!’
Mark Twain
There is never a winner when people fight; it breeds contempt, anger and lasting resentments. Intentionally hurting someone, with words or deeds, will collect no Brownie points in life for anyone. It is better to walk away from ego-driven conflict than to stand and fight, just to prove we were right! Trying to change another person’s point of view through a heated argument is pointless. When one is only willing to listen to their pride and ego, this is all they will hear. If someone is lying or cheating to win a conflict, they don’t get away with it. Everyone is accountable for their actions. Deep down all Empaths know this and this knowing leads them to walk away from disagreements, even when they know they are right. It is difficult to get another to see your point of view if it makes them wrong. Empaths will try to be the peacekeeper. But even though they walk away, doesn’t mean they won’t suffer with vexed emotions. The aware Empath’s intuition informs them that it will all work out in the end.
Empaths can read people. This ability is part of our intuitive and emotional intelligence. It gives us an insight into life others rarely have. We can rise above a situation and see how and why the other person is reacting in a certain way. Through life we come to understand it is pain or the fear of pain that drives bad behavior. This ability to understand can help us define our own deep-set insecurities when we know where to look for them.
Most remember a painful experience or event from the past that has shaped their present outlook on life. But there are many experiences you may not remember, responsible for scripting your life today. We all know we are a product of our childhood, but we are also a product of our close friends’ and family’s fears and insecurities.
Childhood was a baffling time for most Empaths. Even back then we knew we were different. We had a viewpoint of life others didn’t and we were left bewildered by the cruel behavior seen in other children. Children may be innocent but they can be unkind and peevish. I remember a popular rhyme sang in times of petty playground squabbles, which always left me scratching my head:
‘Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me!’
As a child I remember thinking this rhyme was not true. Nasty, hateful words did so much more damage than sticks or stones. We could heal from being hit by a rock or stick but words caused lasting pain.
Many of us carry wounds from spiteful words said to us in childhood. Even if we cannot remember them being said, the hurt is still carried through life. All children were damaged by cruel words. However, those of us who are Sensitive were destroyed by them. Because they did not know how to handle them, many Empaths buried their childhood pains. Denied childhood wounds don’t heal. They lay the foundations for more to be built.
Both good and bad childhood experiences reflect in us as adults. For example: if a child is brought up in a very strong, supportive and loving environment this is seen in their own positive, loving way. If a child is exposed to anger, stress or anxiousness, even if there was a lot of love in the home, they too will carry this anxiety with them. For the Empath child, however, what they experienced in those early years will be amplified in adulthood because of the way they process and store painful emotion.
Some children seem resilient to angry outbursts. Parents’ arguing is one such example. Just because a child seems unaffected by violent arguments does not mean it won’t cause lasting damage. Anger energy is stored within our cells and in our energy field. It affects the functioning of our brain and the way our hormones work. Anger experienced in an Empath’s childhood can act as a trauma trigger for many years to come. Each future angry outburst they witness will then be layered on top.
We all have at least one memory of a nasty argument from childhood. Like most children, I frequently witnessed my parents arguing. Parents’ arguments are hard enough for any children to endure and listen to, but for one who is Sensitive it is extra painful. I remember the intense emotional pain I felt as my parents hurled insults at each other. I would cry and beg them to stop fighting but my cries fell on deaf ears. They were both filled with too much anger to hear. Their only interest was proving the other wrong or getting their point across. I also remember not understanding why my three sisters were not reacting the same way. I knew they didn’t like my parents’ arguments but they were not sensing the hurt I was. Back then I was not aware I was feeling my parents’ anguish and hurt emotions as they argued. It is only as an adult Empath I understand.
I do not blame my parents for arguing in front of me. I know and understand the human condition too well. We all go through tough times in life and lash out. Most of us do not know how to channel our pain. When trying to process our own hurt, we often end up lashing out at those we love the most. Because we don’t understand our pain we blame it on someone else and it is often on those we see every day. Anger can blind anyone to the truth of a situation and make them say things not meant.
If as a child you were caught up in conflict it will have more effect on your current life situation than you know. In your past, if loud voices meant an argument or a punishment, raised voices will cause a trauma reaction. You will react irritably or fearfully to loud voices, even from strangers. You may also overreact if someone acts angrily towards you and find yourself afraid to confront someone over an issue. Your emotional memory tells you that confrontation ends up as an angry conflict. Because you may wish to avoid this at all costs, an important issue may get left unresolved. It could also go the opposite way; leaving you to react angrily towards anything that requires confrontation.
If you look at any insecure behavior you will likely find its roots in childhood. The childhood years were the breeding ground for some of our present emotional disturbances and trauma triggers. The teen years also play a part in sparking adult insecurities.
The adult Empath’s anxieties can stem from several aspects of teenage life. Being on the receiving end of ridicule or intimidation can cause them deep emotional scars. As can acts of betrayal or disloyalty from trusted friends and family. Another cause of an Empath’s insecurity is due to hormonal changes.
It is part of all teenagers’ life to go through an upheaval in their emotional state as they go from being a child into early adulthood. Hormones play havoc with moods and are behind many unsavory actions and behaviors in teenagers. This shift in hormones can be a turning point for the Empath. Their emotions and insecurities take on a life of their own.
Teenage Empaths have a lot of life-changing “stuff” to deal with and their social fears climb to new heights. Teenage insecurities are a challenge for anyone to endure. But for those who experience the emotions of others, life becomes a theater of nightmares. Because they pick up on other people’s insecurities and unknowingly take them on as their own, the teen Empath holds a great deal of disturbing emotional debris. The fact they are spending so much time with other teenagers, in the throes of hormonal change, makes early adulthood a turbulently trying time.
To the unknowing Empath emotions and insecurities have the same vibration whether they belong to us or someone else. In teenage years, when we have never experienced these feelings, it is difficult to discern the difference between our insecurities and others. We can end up believing we are shy, insecure or nervous just by spending too much time around friends who own those traits!
Spend enough time around anyone who has social fear (typical of teenagers) and these traits become embedded in the unaware Empath’s psyche. The Empath’s personality can be built on insecurities that came from someone else.
A high school is a perfect breeding ground for insecurities to take root in the form of emotional contagion. Being around lots of heightened energy and emotions can prove overwhelming for the Empath. The insecurities, picked up from others, can last for many years into their future. In fact, they will likely last until they are seen for what they are. Social anxiety picked up from others can act as a trauma trigger for the Empath, which can take a long time to overcome.
Empaths rarely understand why they feel all they do when they enter early adulthood. Being in group gatherings can be an uncomfortable affair as they take on a deluge of heightened emotions. Because they unknowingly absorbed the feelings of other “mixed-up” teenagers, they come to believe these feelings are their own. This is the reason many Sensitive teenagers turn to alcohol, to block out what they feel and to help them fit in.
Once we discover we are an Empath everything makes sense. But knowing we are Sensitive does not stop us from experiencing social overwhelm. It is important for us to understand how many insecurities we have taken from our past to overcome them.
If, for example, you were not shy in childhood but suddenly developed shyness in teenage years, look at the friends you had. Were they shy or insecure? Do you think you could have picked up their insecurities and taken them on as your own? I am not saying we can blame all our social hang-ups on other people, we all have weaknesses to deal with. But if you experience overwhelming insecurities it is wise to question their origin.
When I look back on my young adulthood years I can see why I experienced all I did, I understand why certain situations made me feel so uncomfortable. Taking on emotions and insecurities I mistook them for my own. I had no idea I was reading people, I thought it was my own timidities that made me feel all those strange inexplicable things.
We all know Empaths are excellent listeners and do so on many levels. We hear and we care what others have to say. Sadly, not everyone has this inbuilt trait. Some people, especially teenagers and young adults, are only interested in themselves and what they want to talk about. When having a conversation, they are not always listening to what is being said but rather waiting for their chance to talk. No one knows they are not listening, so no harm is caused… except some people do. The unaware teenage Empath can sense when they are not being listened to, which can lead them into believing what they say holds no interest to others. If they spend a lot of time around those who don’t listen, they may believe their conversation is uninteresting. This can create a fear of talking to others.
Empaths are listeners and because of this it can make people want to over-talk when in their presence. Whether we have something of interest to say or not, may not matter to the other person. Having the captive audience of an Empath is enough to put anyone on a roll. When others do not listen, it does not mean what we say is not of interest. It often means the other person is more interested in what they have to say. Being truly listened to and heard can be like a drug to some. This is why the Empath does not always get chance to speak much.
Empaths do not enjoy small talk. Our favorite conversations have depth and meaning. Sadly, not everyone likes this type of conversation. Modern society has been programed to focus on the trivial or material. Gossip about the latest soap star or supermodel is of more interest to most than the amazing synchronicities of life. Empaths may not talk about their passions unless it is to someone they love and trust. This has nothing to do with having a lack of good conversational skills; but because we know if someone is listening or interested. Also, many Empaths will prefer not to talk unless it is about something with real significance.
Many Empaths carry insecurity stemming from their past, especially childhood and teenage years. It is part of who we are! However, recognizing where it comes from is important to letting it go. Knowing what triggers our emotional pain can be enough to help us switch it off. I do not recommend spending too much time over-analyzing the past. Sometimes more harm can come from opening old wounds than good. When you find you have been triggered and you are experiencing a huge torrent of irrational emotions, it may help to question yourself what the real cause is. We are never angry about what we think we are. It often stems from something or someone else.
Another cause of deep-set insecurities within the Empath comes from rejection and betrayal. Both of which can create wounds so deep they may not heal, even after the memory has long since faded. Being rejected is part of life for every human being. For the Empath, however, it cuts far deeper than most.
Our first rejection was probably experienced in childhood from a friend or sibling. We will all have a memory of this. Any rejection was the foundation for many more insecurities to be built.
The reason it cuts the Empath so deeply is because rejection is a betrayal. Empaths are very loyal to those they allow in their small circle and they need that loyalty to be a two-way street; whether from family or friends. The problem is we live in a dog-eat-dog world where most people have little in the way of empathy towards others. Just because someone has the same blood running through their veins does not mean they will have the same understanding. The significance of loyalty can hold very different meanings for everyone. The following passage will strike a chord even to those who are not Sensitive:
‘Life has taught me that you can’t control someone’s loyalty. No matter how good you are to them, doesn’t mean they’ll treat you the same. No matter how much they mean to you, doesn’t mean they’ll value you the same. Sometimes the people you love the most, turn out to be the people you can trust the least.’
Trent Shelton
If we are born as an Empath, we are a minority. Few will even get close to feeling what we do. They don’t have the capacity. We cannot get or expect others to change for us, we can only change our self and how we deal with rejection, disloyalty and betrayal. We learnt loyalty at a young age from our family. For the Empath, loyalty and trust is an essential part of life. It is an unwritten law. We need to rely on our family and friends, especially when we are in crisis. If they let us down it will wound our soul.
If someone hurts or is disloyal towards us, we expect our family and friends (those we are loyal to) to be supportive. We hope they will have our back and be empathetic towards our plight. If this does not happen or they act as sympathizers towards those who have hurt us, we will see this betrayal.
The sourness of rejection, betrayal and disloyalty can slowly eat away at the Empath. Subsequent betrayals will build on top of the previous. These traits weaken us and lead to attracting more of the same. Meaning, we will draw more people who make us feel this way.
Disloyalty or rejection does not have to be anything murderous. It can be as simple as someone repeatedly breaking a date. Everyone knows what it feels like to be let down by others. Not good. As Empaths we often go out of our way not to do this. When it is not reciprocated, it feels like the other must not care how we feel. When we make plans we have made an agreement. If the plans are broken due to unforeseen circumstances this is not a problem. But if another lets us down because they cannot be bothered or they get a better offer, this will be taken as rejection. The Empath knows if another is not honest in their excuses. I have known people to kick up the biggest fuss when anyone lets them down; yet think nothing of doing it themselves. Go figure...
We live in a society where lies are quietly seen as acceptable. People behave like there are no repercussions for bad treatment or taking advantage of others. Not true! What goes around comes around. We are all responsible for our actions. Just because a few see it as being okay to treat people poorly, does not make it right. Some see only what they want to see. They may tell themselves it is ok to tell lies or treat others badly; but we should treat others how we want to be treated. If anyone, whether it be a friend or family member, repeatedly lets you down, hurts you or uses you as their emotional dumping ground, it is a wise idea to detach yourself from them.
You would never think having too much empathy could or would be a bad thing. But too much of it can contribute to developing insecurities.
Empaths have empathy in abundance and it is from where their “label” came. Sometimes being empathetic can make us too tolerant of bad behavior. There is always someone willing to take advantage of an Empath’s caring nature. Even if it is just to steal our time to offload their woes. Their overly caring nature can lead the Empath into toxic relationships. Because an Empath has so much empathy they can attract those who have none: narcissists or psychopaths.
Most Empaths will have had a run in with a narcissist at some point in their lives. If it happens in childhood or teen years, it will often cause a strong repugnance towards them; and they will avoid them like the plague. For others, however, they can have a toxic-like draw to the narcissist which can cause untold insecurities to develop. With matters of the heart the Empath can often ignore their own strong intuition and danger signals when entering a relationship with a narcissist. Before they know it they are embroiled in a lethal, energy draining liaison.
The push and pull between Empaths and the narcissists is palpable. Those who are Sensitive can be a target for anyone of a narcissistic nature. There are many reasons for this but mainly because of the imbalance in empathy… too much in the Empath and to too little in the narcissist. One thing nature likes to do is create balance through opposites. Often those with strengths in a certain area will be drawn to those with a weakness. We are supposed to work together to create balance. The problem is we haven’t been shown how to do this or it is often one-sided.
The dynamics of a narcissist and an Empath can be a unique contradiction. It is as though there is a repelling magnetism between them. They can have a natural aversion and an equal attraction. Empaths have no tolerance of narcissistic uncaring behavior; especially when it is directed at others or to the underdog. But they can still fall under the spell of a narcissist.
The origin of narcissism stems from the myth of Narcissus, the youth from ancient Greece who fell in love with his own reflection in the water, only to drown. The definition is: A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation and high self-esteem with a distinct lack of empathy, having an excessive love or admiration of oneself.
Narcissists see themselves as important and deserving, they also believe they are more attractive than most. They have big egos which they expect others to pander to. They pay special attention to their appearance and constantly polish and refine themselves. A narcissist cannot pass a mirror without taking a look and they will be seen taking endless selfies on their phone.
Narcissists see everyone as being inferior to them and have no empathy.
Insults to others are part of the narcissist’s way. They think nothing of putting other people down and judging them for what they consider flaws. But if anyone criticizes or challenges their own behavior they will lash out. They see themselves as perfect, with no flaws. They will act aggressively towards anyone who may suggest otherwise.
Because they see themselves as more important, narcissists will take advantage of others and act manipulatively towards them, using tactics such as fake flattery to get them to do their dirty work. They often target the Empaths because of their kind-hearted nature.
Many people exhibit mild forms or narcissism. Modern society breeds narcissism so it is not surprising we are seeing so much of it in others.
Narcissism can range from healthy to pathological. It is known that narcissism is a cover for vulnerability or personal inadequacy. Narcissists build a wall of defense for their own protection. The wall keeps others out but still allows them to attack. They insult others as a way to feel better about themselves and to stop others noticing their flaws. These types would be labeled as vulnerable narcissists. Deep down they want nothing more than to be liked and accepted.
Some Empaths may be drawn to the vulnerable narcissists because they feel the damage and pain they hide from the world.
An Empath may be drawn into a relationship with a narcissist because they want to heal or nurture the wounds carried by the narcissist. The attraction is often mutual and a narcissist will be drawn to the Empath because of their unique ability to listen and nurture. An Empath can make the narcissist feel empowered by their devout loyalty and caring ways.
Not all narcissism results from being insecure. There is another type known as grandiose narcissism. This narcissism is pathological and stems from a true belief of being better than everyone else and comes with an untouchable ego. This is going to the far end of the spectrum of narcissism. These types believe they are god-like and will see others only as an extension of themselves. It is their belief others are there to serve them.
The grandiose believe in their own greatness and consider no one as a match to them. These types often work their way into positions of power. They use the law of attraction without even realizing they are doing it. Because they believe so much in their own superiority and magnificence, they draw to them a fantastical life. This is why you will see many grandiose narcissists as politicians, celebrities or powerful business people. Once in positions of power the grandiose narcissist will surround themselves with yes-men who will cater to their every need. And because of this they grow to become even more monster-like.
There is a strong division between Empaths and their draw to narcissists. It should be pointed out here that not all of them will be attracted in any which way. Some Empaths will be drawn to the vulnerable narcissist like a moth to a flame. Other Empaths will run to the hills at the first sniff of narcissism because the last thing they have energy for is a needy, sensitive person.
An Empath may be pulled towards the grandiose narcissist because they are very “un-needy” and often want little emotional nourishment. Because they have little emotion, they feel almost clean to the Empath.
Any Empath who has fallen in love with a narcissist will find their safety switches turned off. They can become blinded to their own intuition that warns them of unacceptable behavior. The narcissist can make anyone believe they are at fault. They never accept responsibility for their actions. Even if they end up apologizing, they will still lay the blame elsewhere. This just adds to the Empath’s burden.
A relationship with a narcissist can do much damage to the Empath’s psyche. It can create or add to insecurities and self-doubts. It would be pointless to say avoid this kind of relationship because that is not the way life works. We often only realize what type of relationship we are in many months or years into it. On the plus-side there is much to learn from any relationship, good or bad. If a relationship weakens us, we can eventually grow strength from it. When we understand why we were drawn into the bad relationship we gain knowledge. When we accept, it will stop others from being able to take advantage of us. Not that we become hardened, we don’t. It will just become very clear that our strings can no longer be pulled. Transformation always happens when we go through the darkest of challenges.
The hurdle many Empaths need to overcome is learning to stop accepting the blame for other people’s bad behavior. And not to feel guilty when saying no! Blame is pointless! We either live with another’s way or we don’t. We either accept someone for who they are or we don’t. No one wins when the blame card is put on the table. Not the Empath or the narcissist. We just lose the opportunity for growth.
The insecurities which arise from a relationship or friendship with a narcissist dissolve as soon as we understand why we were drawn into the situation in the first place and recognize our own power.
Empaths are an enigma! There will always be those who feel uncomfortable with their stillness and quiet mystery. Some people will attack what they don’t understand.
Empaths know when others speak ill of them. They can feel the energy of low-vibrational words being used against them. All thoughts and words are energy. If someone makes unkind remarks against us, even behind our back, we feel the intention of those words.
Verbal attacks or ill thoughts towards the Empath can create an insecurity of not being good enough. One thing I have learnt on this journey as an Empath, there is no point trying to show others who we are. People see and hear only what they want to see and hear; especially when they are not yet “awake”. There is little point trying to get another to see things from our perspective. It is a waste of energy. By defending our nature to those who do not have the same emotional intelligence, it ends up causing more pain and frustration.
People don’t always understand the Empaths and it is for this reason many of us get criticized or rejected. We are a simply a rare and unique breed that do things differently. Those who reject or criticize us will probably never understand us, even after explaining why we are the way we are. Truthful acceptance helps when overcoming people-induced-insecurities.
Accept that we are rare and unique and others will not always understand us.
Accept that we will feel pain from betrayal or disloyalty. There is no point fighting it. Know it is serving a higher purpose.
Accept that people see only what they want and are ready to see. Not everyone can question their behavior. In time they will learn.
Accept that all the pain we experience from other people’s actions is happening for a reason. To build inner-strength.
Accept it is our responsibility to ease our own pain. We do this by taking the steps to stay in balance and avoid anything that takes us out-of-balance. If getting in balance means avoiding certain people who drain our energy or fill us with negativity, that is what we must do (see Secret 7).
Know yourself and understand your true value. Love and believe in yourself. You are here to help change the world. The betrayal and rejection we experience is a just part of our journey. Acceptance is a key to setting us free!
Discovery and acceptance goes a long way to freeing the Empath of insecurities and emotional pain. However, there is a contributing factor which means the Empath will unwittingly experience excessive emotional pain and anxiety, and not just from picking it up off others. We will learn about this subject later on as well as learning ways to overcome it but for now we will move onto our next Secret and uncover how to find your purpose and path.