Real Diamonds

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.

~Devin Madson, The Blood of Whisperers

The light hanging from the ceiling harshly illuminated the woman’s body as I studied her from the corner of the room. She lay on her back on the exam table, cloths covering her face and private areas, leaving the remainder of her body exposed. Looking from afar at the woman’s slim figure, I assumed she must be a model.

When I approached the table, however, I swiftly changed my mind. Her body was in fact littered with flaws. Pink stretch marks covered her hips like tiger stripes. Cellulite was clearly discernable on her inner thighs. Her calves were too thin, her tummy too bloated, her skin too blemished… My list went on and on.

As I completed my observations and concluded that her body was filled with imperfection, I removed the cloth shielding her face. The woman was me.

Then I woke up.

The dream made me enormously uncomfortable. There’s nothing like examining someone’s body and picking out each imperfection only to realize it’s your own. It troubled me so much, that after documenting it in my dream journal, I deliberately sought to forget it.

Years later, when I stumbled upon the dream in my journal, its importance became apparent. I had been battling body image issues and poor eating habits for most of my life. Like an addict, I was obsessed. It was so bad that I became isolated, avoiding most social events. I was afraid to eat in front of other people, thinking they would judge my body and what I ate.

Even at age thirteen, I had looked at the calories and fat in everything. I even joked with friends, saying, “Hi, my name is Emily, and I have an obsessive nutrition label examining disorder.” I shunned anything not labeled fat-free or low-fat. I avoided my mom’s homemade cookies, brownies and fried dumplings like the plague. “Careful” doesn’t begin to describe my behavior, and people began to notice.

The negative attention I received for my eating habits and resulting body made matters far worse. I remember sitting at my desk in my freshman English class when the boy sitting in front of me peered down at my bare legs and commented with surprise on how skinny they were. Friends teased me, unaware of the hurt they inflicted with their jokes. Although I was neither anorexic nor bulimic, when I left to use the restroom, they would stick their fingers down their throats as I walked away, suggesting I was going to make myself vomit.

My body image and eating struggles continued through most of my young-adult life as I lost and gained weight repeatedly, wavering between a gain and loss of almost fifty pounds. Yet regardless of how much I lost or how fit I became, I was dissatisfied with my body.

As I read this entry in my dream journal several years after it occurred, my heart sank. How horrible I had been to myself! Even my subconscious was criticizing my body. I felt overwhelming guilt for not only so harshly despising my body, but for the endless toils my body had endured for almost a decade as a result of my disgust. I knew I needed to not only forgive myself, but also make a diligent effort to change my outlook. I knew it would be no easy matter.

Changing my mindset is a chore I still struggle with every day, as my first instinct upon looking at myself in the mirror is still to let out a dramatic sigh as I view my perceived faults. However, I try to focus on the things I appreciate about myself, too. I think about my sapphire-blue eyes, broad shoulders and the genes that gave me my height. I highlight my fair complexion, natural rosy cheeks and wavy blond hair. I focus on the positives and grant myself grace for the areas I don’t like.

My friend once passed on a sweet comment from her boyfriend. She was also critical of her body and overly embarrassed by the stretch marks on her hips. Sensing her self-consciousness, he asked her if she knew how to tell a real diamond from a fake. “A real diamond will have flaws,” he said.

As I look at my perfectly imperfect body in the mirror, I remind myself that only real diamonds have flaws. From now on, if I shine a light on my body in a dream, it will be to appreciate the gift that is life.

— Emily Marszalek —