It’s Time

Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.

~Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

My husband and I traveled to Santa Barbara to attend a business conference. We arrived after barely speaking a word to each other during the long drive. Our marriage of ten years was falling apart, and sessions with a marriage counselor only made us realize how unhappy we were.

We were meeting my husband’s business partners and their wives. We tried to put on a happy face as we mingled at the opening social. We were both good at it. No one suspected our marriage was in jeopardy.

We asked for two bedrooms; we hadn’t slept together in years. My husband and I were always cordial and polite to one another. We were not a loud, angry couple, although the quiet politeness seemed worse. We said goodnight to one another and went to our rooms. It had been a long day of driving, and the couple of glasses of wine with dinner put me into a deep sleep. The dream I had that night is one I’ll never forget.

I stood by a small lake. The water was filled with colorful koi fish that swam to the surface and made slurping noises with their mouths, wanting food. I stared down at them, mesmerized by their colors, when a large gold koi emerged and transformed into a woman who stood before me. She wore a long yellow gown. She smiled at me with a look of compassion, kindness and wisdom in her eyes. I stared in disbelief. She said, “It’s time.”

I woke up startled and walked around the room. Outside, the sun was rising, sending an orange glow into the sky. I wanted to return to my dream but couldn’t fall back to sleep. What did it mean? I knew it had to mean something.

When we returned home, we made the decision to separate. He moved out. I felt lost. I went back to counseling. My therapist recommended I go away for a while. She suggested I go to a retreat located near the ocean.

The drive was long, but once I got off the freeway and into the city of Encinitas, I felt better. The ocean was sky blue, and the cascading sunlight made the water twinkle.

I found the retreat and checked in. A woman told me lunch would be served in an hour, and she encouraged me to walk to the meditation gardens. I climbed the steep brick steps, passing a beautifully manicured landscape of flowers and trees. It was quiet. I quickly felt at peace. When I reached the top, something told me to turn left. There it was — the lake I’d seen in my dream. The koi swam and made their noises. I stood there thinking it was only a coincidence until I saw her. She walked from another path to the other side of the small lake and stood there smiling at me. It was the same woman in my dream, wearing the same long yellow gown. “I’m so happy you’re here,” she said. “Come join us for lunch.”

Afterward, I found her in the office and asked to speak to her. I told her about my dream. She wasn’t surprised. “It was time for you to move forward in your life,” she said. I saw the same compassion and kindness on her face. She made me feel safe and no longer lost. I had found the place to begin my healing.

— Margo Sanchez —