The One You Really Want

Chapter 10

Laura turned as the customer wandered along to the next stall. Their eyes met and the first thought that flashed through Connor’s mind was that she didn’t seem nearly as delighted to see him as he was to see her.

Did she think he was going to declare his undying love for her? Sink to his knees, perhaps, and cause an embarrassing scene right here in the street?

Because he wasn’t. There was no surge of love and overwhelming regret. He hadn’t spent the last five years pining for her. It was nice to bump into her again, that was all.

‘Laura. Great to see you. You’re looking . . . um, fantastic. ’ This wasn’t exactly true, but you could hardly tell an ex-girlfriend she was looking old. With her long hair in a plait, her thin, weather-beaten face and droopy clothes, she looked like a woman who lived off the land. She was thirty-one but looked forty. Still, never mind, he must be looking older himself.

‘Hello, Connor. Nice to see you too.’ Laura devoted herself to reorganising the sacks of vegetables around her stall. Normally so cool and composed, he could tell that she was on edge.

‘How’s the self-sufficiency thing going?’ said Connor, because there weren’t any other customers around and it would be downright rude to turn round and walk off.

‘Oh, pretty good. Hard work of course, but it’s what I—’

‘Mum, can I have a drink?’

Looking down, Connor saw the small girl in the orange dungarees poking her head round the side of the stall.

‘In a minute, darling. I’m busy.’

‘This is your daughter?’ Amazed, Connor said, ‘Hey, that’s grand news. Congratulations.’

‘Thanks. Mia, go and play with your dolls.’

‘They’re stupid. I hate my dolls.’ Puffing out her cheeks, the girl said, ‘I’m thirsty.’

‘Why don’t I fetch her something from the pub?’ Connor suggested, because Laura was looking agitated. ‘A Coke or something?’

He was only trying to be helpful. Mia gazed up at him, her eyes like saucers. From Laura’s expression you’d think he’d suggested buying her daughter a triple bourbon on the rocks.

‘She doesn’t drink that rubbish. I’ll get her some water in a minute. Well, it’s been nice to see you again—’

‘Mia. That’s a pretty name,’ said Connor. ‘How old are you, then?’

‘Three,’ Laura said hurriedly.

‘I’m not.’ Mia was indignant. ‘I’m four.’

Four. The answer was one thing, but the expression on Laura’s face was what really made Connor take notice. Why would she lie?

Why indeed?

Feeling light-headed with disbelief, Connor said carefully, ‘When’s your birthday, Mia?’

Mia paused. Gave it some thought. Finally she said, ‘When I get my presents.’

Connor was shaking. He looked carefully down at the small girl in front of him, with her huge grey eyes, her button nose and determined chin. Switching his gaze to Laura, who had gone pale, he said in a low voice, ‘Is this . . .? Is she . . .?’

Except he already knew that she was.

One of the neighbouring stallholders was persuaded to look after Mia and keep an eye on Laura’s stall.

Laura took Connor down a series of narrow side streets, away from the market. As he followed her, a million thoughts raced through his brain, tangling like elastic and shooting off in all directions. A baby, my God, not even a baby, a walking talking four-year-old girl. I’m a father, I’ve been a father for the last four years . . .

This was mind-blowing, almost too much to take in. Yet even as Connor was digesting the information, he was aware that he wasn’t reacting with the sense of horror that overcame some men faced with the prospect of unexpected fatherhood. He had always faintly despised those of his acquaintance who, upon discovering their girlfriends were pregnant, claimed they simply weren’t up to the challenge and promptly bailed out of the relationship. Or married men who decided family life was no longer for them and walked away from their wives and children, not caring about the devastation they caused. Connor was no goody-two-shoes but he’d never understood how these men could live with themselves. In his view, such selfishness was beyond belief. Then again, he had never found himself in such a situation. Maybe when it happened to him he wouldn’t feel quite so principled and heroic.

But now it had happened and Connor instinctively knew that he was incapable of turning his back on Mia. He didn’t even want to. She existed, she was his own flesh and blood. Against all the odds - and he was aware that he was still in a considerable state of shock - he already couldn’t wait to see her again, get to know her, discover what she was like.

They finally reached a small park. Laura sat down on the grass and said, ‘I’ll get a crick in my neck if I have to look up at you.’

Connor lowered himself to the ground and sat cross-legged, facing her.

‘She’s my daughter,’ he said evenly.

Laura nodded. ‘Yes.’

‘You should have told me.’ Connor shook his head; what kind of a heartless bastard did she think he was?

‘No,’ said Laura.

‘Yes! I would have stuck by you,’ Connor exclaimed. ‘OK, I know I was young, but I’d never have left you in the lurch! You didn’t need to move away, we’d have coped somehow, between us we could have—’

‘Connor, I know you would have stuck by me,’ Laura said gently. ‘You were a dear, sweet boy - you still are a dear, sweet boy - who wouldn’t dream of leaving anyone in the lurch. But I didn’t get pregnant by accident, you know.’

Bombshell number two.

‘What?’ Connor wondered if this was how it felt to be struck by lightning. ‘But . . . but you were taking the pill.’

‘Wrong. I told you I was taking the pill. Because if I hadn’t, you’d have insisted on using condoms, which didn’t fit in with my plans at all.’ A ghost of a smile flickered across Laura’s face. ‘You see, I’d already made up my mind. I wanted a baby.’

She had always been the most fiercely independent and determined person he’d ever known.

‘A baby,’ echoed Connor, ‘but not a partner? No husband or boyfriend to help you raise a child?’

‘The baby was the most important thing.’ Laura was calmer now, regaining control. ‘Of course, if I’d met the perfect man I wouldn’t have turned him down. But I didn’t. I met you instead, and you were just a boy. I’d never have dreamed of landing you with the responsibility of a child. On the other hand, I couldn’t have asked for a better father for my baby. You were tall, you had a great physique, you were healthy and bright and kind . . . let’s face it, genetically you were perfect.’

Stunned, Connor said, ‘Is that what I was? A sperm donor?’

‘Oh Connor, don’t make it sound horrible. I wanted a baby with your qualities. Can’t you think of that as a compliment?’

‘And what about Mia? Growing up without a father?’

‘Lots of children grow up without a father.’ Laura’s jaw tightened. ‘It never did me any harm.’

Since now wasn’t the time to start an argument, Connor let this pass.

‘So what happens now?’

‘Nothing happens,’ said Laura. ‘Nothing’s changed. You’re free to walk away, forget you ever saw us.’

‘Jesus, I don’t believe I’m hearing this!’ Anger welled up inside him. ‘I didn’t give you an old sweater, Laura! If I had, and you’d unpicked it and knitted it into a scarf, I can understand that I wouldn’t have any right to march up to you and demand my wool back! But we’ve created a human being here. You can’t seriously expect me to just walk away from my daughter as if she doesn’t exist!’

‘Why not? Plenty of people do that too.’ A tear dripped from Laura’s chin onto the front of her shirt and Connor remembered that her father had walked out on her mother shortly after Laura’s birth.

‘Well, I can’t,’ he declared.

‘Connor, you’re twenty-one years old. You had a teenage crush on me and we had fun, but we don’t love each other. Mia and I are fine as we are, just the two of us. It’s sweet of you to offer, but we don’t need the hassle of a man in our lives. And you shouldn’t smoke,’ she added firmly as he fumbled in his shirt pocket for his cigarettes and lighter.

‘Why not? Will it stunt my growth?’ He was six foot two and he lit up with a don’t-tell-me-what-to-do air of defiance.

‘Maybe not, but it could certainly stunt your breathing. It could kill you,’ said Laura. ‘Plus, it’s a very immature thing to do.’

Immature. Sensing the ammunition for further argument, Connor stubbed his Rothmans out on the grass, opened the packet and flung the remaining cigarettes into the air.

‘Litter lout,’ said Laura. But she was perilously close to smiling.

Having picked up the scattered cigarettes and ostentatiously thrown them into a nearby bin - apart from one, which he slipped into his shirt pocket for later - Connor came and sat back down next to Laura on the grass. Interestingly, he had no urge to kiss her.

‘Look, you don’t want me and I don’t want you, but wouldn’t it be handy for Mia to have a father? I wouldn’t crowd you, I promise. I could just stay in the background, see her occasionally.’ Connor presented his case with care. ‘But I’d be there if I was needed. Think of me as emergency back-up. If you ever fancied a weekend away, I could look after Mia. If anything happened to you, she’d have someone she knew to take care of her - until you were well again,’ he added hastily, because Laura was looking alarmed. With a shrug he said, ‘Being a single parent must be exhausting. I’m just saying I could be useful.’

A lifetime of mistrusting men had left its mark on Laura. She held up her hands to stop him.

‘OK, you’re saying this now, but what about when the novelty wears off? If I tell Mia you’re her father, how is she going to feel in a few years’ time when you decide you can’t be bothered to see her any more? She’d be devastated.’

‘She wouldn’t be,’ Connor said patiently, ‘because I’d never do that to her. But you don’t believe me, so how about a compromise? We won’t tell Mia I’m her father. I’ll just be a friend of yours. That way, she’ll have a chance to get used to me.’ He paused, keeping a straight face. ‘And then it won’t come as too much of a shock on her fiftieth birthday when we do tell her the truth.’

‘Mia? Come here, darling, and say hello to a friend of mine. His name’s Connor.’

‘Hi.’ Connor crouched down on the pavement, so that he was level with Mia. ‘It’s very nice to meet you.’

Close up, he saw that the tips of her long eyelashes were golden, like his. Her eyes were silver-grey and watchful. There was a smudge of mud on one plump brown cheek. His daughter. God, he was actually looking at his daughter. It was an emotional moment to be—

‘Like a box,’ said Mia.

‘Um . . . sorry?’

She abruptly turned away, disappeared behind the stall and reappeared moments later carrying an empty cardboard box. ‘Like a box,’ Mia explained, plonking it down on the pavement and pointing. ‘There’s a corner. There’s another corner.’

‘Very good. Nearly the same.’ He hid a smile. ‘But I’m Connor.’

Mia gazed at him, unimpressed. ‘I know.’

‘Connor’s coming to see us on Sunday,’ Laura said brightly. ‘He’ll be coming over to our house. That’ll be nice, won’t it?’

‘Yes.’ Obediently Mia nodded. ‘You know dandelions?’

‘I do.’ Connor waited to hear what profound remark might follow.

‘They’re yellow.’

‘You know cows?’ said Connor, not to be outdone.

‘Yes.’

‘They go moooo.’

He so longed to make his daughter laugh and decide she liked him. Instead Mia shot him a look of disdain.

‘But cows aren’t yellow.’

Hmm.

‘Don’t they have yellow cows where you live?’ Connor looked dismayed.

‘No. Cows aren’t yellow, ever. Do you like biscuits?’

‘Er . . . yes.’

Mia nodded. ‘And me.’

‘Here.’ Taking pity on him, Laura passed over a slip of paper. ‘That’s our address, and a map of how to get there.’

Connor looked at it. Had she just made this up, plucking a false address out of the air and inventing a map to go with it?

‘Don’t worry.’ Guessing what was running through his mind, Laura smiled. ‘That’s definitely where we live.’

It was Mia’s tenth birthday. Connor said, ‘Mia, sit down, I’ve got something to tell you.’

Mia was wearing purple shorts today, teamed with a lime-green T-shirt and grubby trainers. Obediently coming to sit next to Connor on the sofa, she hugged her tanned bony knees, spectacularly grazed from a recent fall from the apple tree, and said, ‘What is it?’

Connor took a deep breath. He’d been practising this all morning. The thing was, no matter how you dressed it up, there really wasn’t any way of lessening the impact. Since Mia was a past master at coming straight to the point, he’d decided to take a leaf out of her book.

‘The thing is, you know your father.’

‘What?’

Oh God, he was messing it up already. The whole point was that she didn’t know her father. Great start, Connor told himself, well done.

‘Well, it’s . . . um, you know . . . me.’

‘Connor, what are you trying to say?’

‘Me.’ He pointed to his chest. ‘I’m your father.’

Mia regarded him gravely for several seconds. Finally a slow smile spread across her face.

‘I thought you probably were,’ said Mia.

Connor wondered if she’d understood.

‘You thought I was probably your father?’ When Mia nodded calmly, he said, ‘How? Why?’

‘Well, why else would you keep coming to see us? I’m ten now, and you’ve been visiting us for years. But you aren’t Mum’s boyfriend,’ Mia patiently explained. ‘So that seemed a bit weird for a start. And you play Monopoly and tennis with me. When Mum’s boyfriends are here, they never want to do stuff like that. They always tell me to go out and play.’

Shaking his head, Connor marvelled at the logic. ‘But you never said anything.’

‘I did once. I asked Mum, but she said no, you were just a friend. So I left it after that. You know what Mum’s like. But I still thought I was right.’

‘And now?’ Carefully, Connor said, ‘Is it OK? Are you happy about it?’

Mia gave him an are-you-kidding look. ‘Of course I’m happy! I love being right!’

‘Dad, Dad, look what I’ve had done!’

Connor’s mouth dropped open at the sight of his beloved daughter raising her top to reveal a daisy tattoo round her navel. Horrified, he croaked, ‘You’re only thirteen! I can’t believe your mother let you have something like that! My God, what kind of tattoo parlour would risk—’

‘It’s not a real tattoo.’ Grinning, Mia said, ‘I do love you, Daddy. It’s so easy to wind you up.’

‘Happy birthday, sweetheart!’ As Mia flew into his arms, Connor picked her up and swung her round.

‘Aaaarggh,’ cried Laura, because Mia’s turquoise shirt had billowed up to reveal a tattoo of a dolphin peeping above the low-slung waistband of her faded jeans.

Plonking his daughter down in order to see what Laura was pointing at, Connor said, ‘It’s only one of those transfer things, it’ll wash off in a day or two.’

‘Actually it isn’t.’ Mia beamed with pride. ‘It’s a proper one.’

Appalled, Connor said, ‘But you’re only sixteen.’

‘Exactly. I’m practically a grown-up.’ Patting the dolphin with pride, Mia said, ‘But it’s so sweet, Daddy, that you don’t know the difference between a transfer and a real tattoo.’

‘Sixteen,’ Connor groaned. In his head, she was still a dungareed four-year-old with worms in her pockets and gaps in her teeth.

‘Calm down, Dad. Honestly, you’re such a dinosaur. You know, I’m officially old enough to get married.’ Mischievously Mia said, ‘Thank your lucky stars I haven’t done that.’

Connor winced at the memory. At least there hadn’t been any more tattoos in the last eight months. None that he knew about, anyway. Then he winced again, because his mouth had just caught fire.

‘Oh, sorry,’ said Mia. ‘Bit hot for you?’

Through watering eyes, Connor saw that his daughter was calmly eating her way through a plate of fried eggs on toast, swimming in a pool of flame-red chilli sauce.

Pointing to the relatively modest dash of sauce on his own plate, he said, ‘A bit hot for me? It’s possibly the hottest chilli sauce on the planet. Where did you get this stuff?’

‘There’s this brilliant deli in Dublin. It’s called Scotch Bonnet sauce. Here, have some water.’ Mia was already on her way back from the sink with a brimming glass. ‘Poor Daddy, I’ve only been here ten minutes and already you think I’m trying to poison you.’

Having downed the water in one, Connor gingerly checked his teeth hadn’t fallen out. ‘So how long are you staying, then?’

Mia put down her fork. ‘Well, the thing is, I’ve been considering my future. Mum and I were having a chat about it the other day and basically I’ve spent the last sixteen years living in a self-sufficient smallholding in the wilds of Donegal. Which has been great, in its own way, but I feel I need a change of environment if I’m to become a fully rounded person.’

This was a more convoluted answer than Connor had been expecting. The chilli sauce was performing a kind of terrifying afterburn in his throat, ensuring he wouldn’t forget it in a hurry. He nodded to show that he was still listening, in a distracted kind of way.

‘I mean, there’s so much more to life than cleaning out chicken coops and weeding the vegetable patch.’ Raising her eyebrows, Mia said, ‘At my age I should be expanding my horizons, discovering new people and places, experiencing new stuff—’

‘If you ever, ever take drugs, I’ll—’

‘Oh shut up, give me a break Dad, drugs are for losers. Anyway, so like I said, Mum and I have had a really good talk about it and the thing is, how about if I came here and lived with you?’

The chilli was probably still burning but Connor was no longer aware of it.

‘When?’

Mia spread her yellow and black striped arms and said encouragingly, ‘Well, here I am, so how about now?’

‘And where would you go to school?’

‘I’m not going back to school. A-levels are meaningless these days. I’d rather get a job, start building a career. It’s OK, Mum and I talked it all through.’

‘What kind of work did you have in mind?’ Connor didn’t doubt for a moment that she had something in mind.

‘Well, I thought I’d train to become the next national chilli-eating champion.’ Mia grinned, trawled an index finger through the pool of chilli sauce on her plate and popped it into her mouth. ‘Actually, I’d like to come and work for you.’

‘And your mother’s happy about that?’ Connor had to ask, although it certainly sounded as though Laura and Mia had covered all the angles.

‘Mum’s great. She understands how I feel. I’ve spent long enough living in the middle of nowhere. It’s time to move on, find out how it feels to live in the middle of somewhere.’ Mia gazed anxiously at him. ‘As long as you’re happy about it too.’

Happy? He’d spent the last few years dreaming about this day. In his imagination he hadn’t expected it to happen until Mia had finished university, but by then she’d be twenty-one and the chances of her even wanting to live with her old fogey of a father would be remote. What self-respecting twenty-one-year-old would even consider it, after all, when she could be sharing a grotty flat in Hoxton with a crowd of equally grotty twenty-somethings and wall-to-wall squalor?

‘I’m happy.’ His heart expanding with love for his beautiful strong-minded daughter, Connor smiled and said, ‘I can’t imagine anything nicer.’

‘Yay!’ Jumping up from the table, Mia hugged him. ‘Thanks, Dad. OK if I have my bath now?’

The phone rang fifteen minutes later. Sounding strained, Laura said without preamble, ‘It’s me. Listen, Mia’s disappeared. I don’t know where she is. Has she spoken to you at all? Oh God, the school rang and told me she hasn’t been in—’

‘Whoa,’ Connor broke through the stream of jerky sentences. ‘Mia’s here. She turned up an hour ago.’

‘What?’ Relief was replaced within a split second by irritation. ‘Connor, did it not even occur to you that I’d be out of my mind with worry? You should have phoned me!’

‘I thought you knew. Mia kept saying you were happy for her to leave school and come and live with me.’

‘Oh, for crying out loud, are you serious? Leave school? She’s supposed to be at school this minute! Put her on,’ Laura ordered.

‘She’s in the bath.’ Connor realised that he’d been well and truly set up.

‘Send her back, then,’ said Laura firmly. ‘She can’t do this, she’s only sixteen. Just tell her she can’t mess around like this, and send her back.’

‘God, I love this house.’ Wet-haired and wearing an oversized T-shirt emblazoned with the words Treat Animals With Compassion, Mia reappeared forty minutes later. ‘You have no idea what a luxury it is to run the bath taps and know that hot water is going to come out. And dry yourself in real fluffy towels instead of horrible ancient ones that feel like sandpaper—’

‘Why don’t you give your mum a ring, just to let her know you’ve arrived safely,’ Connor suggested.

Mia’s eyes flickered guiltily away from him. Then she straightened her shoulders. ‘OK, Dad, here’s the thing. I lied.’

‘Here’s another thing,’ said Connor. ‘I know.’

‘Oh.’

‘Laura just rang. She was worried sick.’

‘I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,’ Mia blurted out. ‘I did try and talk it through with her, but she just wouldn’t listen, and I’d so much rather be here.’

‘She wants you to go home.’ Connor saw her wince. ‘And I want you to promise never to lie to me again.’

‘I won’t.’ Miserably, Mia shook her head. ‘Lie, I mean. Oh God.’ She buried her face in her hands. ‘Do I have to go back?’

‘No.’

Mia’s head shot up. ‘What?’

‘I persuaded Laura to let you stay.’

‘Really?’

‘She’s not happy about the school thing,’ Connor warned.

‘Well, I already knew that, we’ve been over it enough times. But I’d rather build a career,’ argued Mia before he could start making going back to school a condition of staying in London. ‘I mean, in the old days getting a degree meant something to employers, but these days everyone goes to college, everyone has a degree and it just seems . . . well, what’s the big deal? Can they do a job?’

Luckily for her, Connor was in agreement. He’d interviewed more than his fair share of clueless graduates in his time. Instinct told him that Mia would achieve whatever she set out to do, workwise. She had more energy and determination than anyone he’d ever met.

‘I said pretty much the same. That’s why we’re going to give it a go.’

‘Daddy, you’re a genius.’

‘I know.’

‘Shall I phone Mum now and apologise?’

‘Might be an idea,’ said Connor.

‘Then I’ll get dressed and we’ll set off.’

Bemused, Connor said, ‘Set off where?’

Mia shook her head in despair. ‘Come on, Dad, keep up. To the Lazy B of course. I want to make a start on my job.’