Chapter 23
‘Hey,’ Connor exclaimed with delight, ‘my mystery neighbour. We meet at last.’
Carmen, finding herself being hugged then enthusiastically kissed on both cheeks, felt ashamed of herself. Rennie and Nancy had both told her that Connor O’Shea was a thoroughly nice man.
‘There. Now we know each other.’ Connor eventually released her. ‘I was beginning to think you were avoiding me.’
‘I was.’ Dimpling, Carmen said, ‘Sorry, don’t take it personally. I was avoiding pretty much everyone.’
‘No need to apologise. Rennie told me about your husband. You’ve been through a rotten time.’ Connor helped her out of her coat. ‘And neighbours can be tricky. It’s like meeting new people on the first night of your holiday, realising after twenty minutes that you can’t stand the sight of them and having to spend the next fortnight hiding round corners.’
He was nice. Grateful to him for understanding, Carmen said, ‘It’s been a rough three years, but I’m over all that now. Back to normal. Well, normal-ish.’ Let’s face it, since marrying Spike, had her life ever really been normal?
‘It must help, having Rennie and Nancy around.’
‘Kind of.’ This was true, but Carmen still wasn’t ready to forgive Rennie for last night.
‘And I’ve been hearing about your new chap,’ Connor went on. ‘That’s great. You should have brought him along tonight, the more the merrier.’
Presumably he’d heard about Joe from Nancy. Carmen said, ‘It might not be so merry if he was here. Rennie doesn’t have a high opinion of my boyfriend.’
‘Ah well, he’s your brother-in-law,’ Connor replied easily. ‘Bound to be protective. I’d be just the same with my daughter. ’
‘But Rennie isn’t my dad. What’s that noise?’ said Carmen.
Connor, busy adding her coat to the pile heaped on the chaise longue, said, ‘What noise?’
‘Your bell was working just now.’ Carmen was puzzled. ‘Is that someone knocking on the door?’
When Mia had embarked on her search, she’d had her hopes pinned on finding a diary in Sadie’s bag, with any luck containing incriminatingly chirpy entries along the lines of: Still two-timing Connor - let’s hope he never finds out! or: Help, I’m pregnant and George has dumped me. Never mind, I’ll tell Connor he’s the father. Or: Up to 2 grams of crack cocaine a day now. Really expensive habit!
Or, best of all: Connor has no idea I was born a man, hooray for sex-change ops!
Oh God, wouldn’t that be great?
The problem was, there was no diary in the bag. Mia, perched on her packing crate of books, rifled through the various compartments examining old receipts, a perfume atomiser, keys, pens, yet more receipts for annoyingly boring items, three packets of Wrigley’s Extra and a hairbrush.
No hidden bottle of vodka, not a rock of crack cocaine in sight.
She opened Sadie’s pink and blue striped make-up bag. Shiseido mascara, No. 7 foundation and eyeshadows, Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour cream, Estée Lauder blusher, three different lipsticks and . . . oh now, what was this?
What indeed?
Bingo, Mia thought triumphantly, zipping the make-up bag back up. Perfect. Jumping to her feet, she cracked her head against the cupboard’s sloping roof. Ooch, never mind, let me out now. She knocked on the door and heard voices - was it still Dad? - outside in the hall.
Having tried the front door and found no one on the doorstep, Connor frowned, puzzled, at Carmen. The next moment they both heard more knocking behind them.
‘Did you ever see that film Poltergeist?’ said Connor.
‘I think it’s coming from in there.’ Carmen pointed to the under-stairs cupboard.
‘Can’t be. It’s a cupboard. And we don’t have ghosts,’ said Connor.
‘In that case, brace yourself. You could have a really massive spider.’ Carmen, who was closer, pulled open the door.
‘Hi,’ said Mia, swaying slightly and clutching her Lilt can. She beamed. ‘Thanks. You must be Carmen.’
Taking the can from her, Connor sniffed it then took a swig of lukewarm Frascati.
‘Mia. My daughter,’ he told Carmen. ‘Drunk.’
‘Tiddly,’ Mia corrected him, wagging a finger. ‘Not legless, just . . . pleasantly relaxed.’
‘Relaxed enough to shut yourself in a cupboard,’ Connor observed.
‘Ah, but you’re going to be jolly glad I did.’ Looking determined, Mia said, ‘Dad, I need to have a serious talk with you. About condoms.’
Carmen did her best to keep a straight face. The look of horror on Connor O’Shea’s face was fabulous.
‘OK. Maybe some other time.’ Clearly appalled at the prospect of his daughter wanting to discuss her sex life, Connor began to steer Mia back towards the living room. ‘Why don’t we all—’
‘No, you don’t understand.’ Mia dug her heels in like a dog. ‘Some other time may be too late.’
‘Look,’ said Connor, ‘you don’t even have a boyfriend. Can’t we just—’
‘I know I don’t have a boyfriend, duh. But she does.’
They’d reached the door to the living room. As Mia pointed an accusing finger at Sadie, the CD playing on the sound system chose that moment to come to an end, plunging the room into silence.
‘What?’ said Connor.
‘Condoms, Dad. You have to use them, every time. I’m serious,’ Mia insisted as he started to smile. ‘She’s trying to catch you out. She thinks if she gets pregnant, you’ll marry her. Women do it all the time, it’s the oldest trick in the book!’
Carmen saw that Sadie Sylvester was shaking her head in amused disbelief, exchanging glances with her co-workers that signalled, see what I have to put up with?
‘It’s true,’ Mia insisted.
Everyone was staring. Sadie said, ‘Connor, isn’t it time your daughter went to bed? Then we could all enjoy the party in peace.’
Connor put his hand on Mia’s shoulder. ‘I think that might be a good—’
‘Dad, get off, she’s taking you for a fool!’ With the air of a conjuror magicking a rabbit out of a hat, Mia stuck her hand down the front of her khaki vest and drew out a folded piece of paper. ‘Maybe when you see what I found, you’ll realise I’m right.’ Triumphantly she unfolded the page torn from a magazine. ‘This article is titled, “How I bagged my man!” and it’s written by a girl who was desperate not to lose her boyfriend. He kept saying it was way too soon to think about settling down with one woman, but she knew how much he loved kids so she came off the pill without telling him. When she got pregnant he realised he loved her after all, and asked her to marry him. That was eight years ago and they’re still happy together. She says, “I know it was a high risk strategy, but it worked like a charm. My husband’s always telling me how glad he is that our darling daughter came along when she did. Of course, he still doesn’t know I did it on purpose, but that’s my little secret. Sometimes the end result justifies the means!”’
Everyone was agog as Sadie stalked across the room and snatched the magazine page from Mia’s grasp.
‘Where did you get this?’
‘Cupboard under the stairs. Your handbag accidentally slipped off its hook and everything fell out onto the floor.’
‘And my make-up bag accidentally unzipped itself, I suppose.’ Acidly Sadie said, ‘My God, you are an evil piece of work.’
‘OK, so maybe I was looking through it.’ Mia shrugged defiantly. ‘And maybe that was a naughty thing to do.’ Pleased with herself she added, ‘But then again, sometimes the end justifies the means.’
White with fury, Sadie turned to Connor. ‘This is too much. I’ve had it up to here with your precious daughter.’
‘I’m just trying to protect my dad,’ Mia retaliated.
‘You’re a poisonous little witch! You rummaged through my handbag.’ Sadie’s eyes were sparking like fireworks. ‘Through my private and personal belongings. And then you have the nerve to accuse me of planning to trap your father into marrying me. Well, let me tell you, the last thing I want is a baby. Especially when there’s an outside chance I might end up with one like you.’
‘So what were you doing with that article hidden away in your bag?’ Mia demanded heatedly.
‘Therese?’ Sadie glanced across the room, to where her co-workers were clustered. ‘Why don’t you tell Mia what’s wrong with your father?’
Startled, Therese said, ‘My dad? He’s got Parkinson’s Disease.’
‘Thank you.’ Returning her attention to Mia, Sadie said evenly, ‘He’s really not very well at all. Therese is worried sick about him. So when I was flicking through a magazine yesterday and happened to come across an article about a revolutionary new treatment for sufferers of Parkinson’s, I thought Therese might like to see it.’ Turning over the ripped-out page, she showed the relevant section to Connor then slowly crossed the room and handed it to Therese. ‘Here you are. You never know, it might help your dad.’
‘Th-thanks,’ stammered Therese.
‘Don’t mention it.’ Marching back to where Mia was standing, Sadie said, ‘So there you go. I hadn’t actually noticed the article on the other side of the page.’ Coolly she added, ‘Feel free to apologise any time you like.’
Mia stood her ground. ‘Just because you wriggled out of it this time? I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than apologise to you.’
Carmen wondered if everyone else in the room was secretly enjoying this, loving every excruciating moment as much as she was. There was something horribly fascinating about witnessing a no-holds-barred argument that didn’t personally involve you. This was better than an extra riveting episode of EastEnders. And now Mia was beginning to realise that she had made a mistake after all, while Sadie was looking as if she was on the verge of giving Mia a resounding slap.
Gripping stuff, and you didn’t have to worry about the showdown coming to an abrupt end, leaving you on tenterhooks for the next episode in two days’ time.
‘Could someone put some music on please?’ said Connor, keeping himself between the two warring girls like a boxing referee.
‘No, don’t.’ Sadie turned to glare at a thin, nervy looking male guest who’d had the temerity to make a move towards the CD player. ‘Let’s sort this out once and for all, shall we? I’m your girlfriend,’ she told Connor, ‘and she’s your daughter. Clearly, you have a choice to make here. Do you want to carry on seeing me? Or are you going to allow this interfering brat to stay and make the rest of your life a misery? Because it’s either me or her, Connor. One of us has to go.’
Carmen held her breath, enthralled. Sadie was looking confident. Mia was looking . . . actually, she was looking a bit green around the gills. And Connor had to make his decision right here, right now . . .
Connor turned to Mia and said evenly, ‘What you did was very, very wrong. I can’t believe you rifled through somebody’s handbag and accused Sadie of planning to do something like that. I’m ashamed of you.’
Mia said nothing. Sadie preened and looked smug, like the beauty queen who, having slept with all the judges, knew she was about to be pronounced the winner.
‘Sweetheart.’ Taking her hand, Connor said, ‘I’m sorry.’
Sadie gave his fingers a triumphant squeeze. ‘You don’t have to apologise. She’s the one who should be doing that. Oh, darling—’
‘No, what I mean is, I’m sorry.’ Connor shook his head. ‘You gave me an ultimatum. I know Mia’s behaved appallingly, but she’s still my daughter.’
Sadie, her magenta hair quivering with disbelief, said tightly, ‘You mean she’s won? Are you completely mad?’
‘Look,’ Connor attempted to explain, ‘it’s not as if—’
Crack went Sadie’s hand across his face. What with her being so fit, it must have hurt, but Connor didn’t even flinch.
‘You bastard.’
‘I know,’ said Connor.
‘She’s going to ruin your life,’ Sadie spat, ‘and you’re just going to stand back and let her do it.’
‘I’m not—’
‘Well, I feel sorry for you. From now on, your life is going to be miserable. I’m out of here.’ Addressing Mia, Sadie said icily, ‘Is there still enough money in my purse to pay for my taxi home, or did you help yourself to that too?’
Pale and swaying, Mia looked as if she’d just witnessed her first autopsy. Without a word, she turned abruptly and shot out of the room.
Sadie’s upper lip curled with derision. As she headed for the door she hissed at Connor, ‘I hope you realise you’re making the biggest mistake of your life.’
Mia hadn’t had time to close the bathroom door. Nancy found her crouched on the floor next to the lavatory, wiping her mouth with a crumpled-up length of loo paper.
‘Sorry, do you need the bathroom?’ Mia glanced up apologetically. ‘I’ll be out in a sec.’
‘I came to find you, see how you are.’ Relieved to have missed the pyrotechnics, Nancy ran a white flannel under the cold tap, then wrung it out and handed it to her. ‘Feeling better now?’
‘Much. I’m not that great at drinking. Haven’t had the practice. I keep forgetting you aren’t supposed to glug it down like water. Thanks,’ said Mia as Nancy helped her to her feet. She pressed the cool flannel to her forehead and exhaled with relief. ‘That feels nice. Has she gone?’
‘Oh yes. Didn’t you hear the front door flying off its hinges?’
‘Dad’s going to hate me. I suppose I should be sorry, but I’m not.’ Perched on the side of the bath, Mia watched as Nancy squeezed toothpaste onto her pink glittery toothbrush.
‘You went a bit over the top.’
‘I know. I don’t make a habit of snooping through people’s handbags, honestly. And I’m not out to ruin Dad’s life either, but she was just such a nightmare, wasn’t she? Once he gets over being cross with me, he’ll realise I was right. He’ll end up thanking me for it.’
‘Hmm.’ Much as she agreed with Mia’s verdict on Sadie Sylvester, Nancy couldn’t help feeling she was being overly optimistic.
‘I mean, I do want him to be happy,’ Mia went on, between vigorous bouts of tooth-brushing. She slooshed Colgate foam around her mouth then spat into the sink. ‘I’d just love it if he met somebody nice. Like you.’ She caught Nancy’s startled eye in the mirror above the sink. ‘It’d be great if he got together with someone like you. I wouldn’t be a nightmare daughter if that happened, I promise.’ Brush, brush, more slooshing and spitting. ‘What d’you reckon then? Think you could fancy my dad if you set your mind to it?’
Good grief, did this girl never give up? Feeling the familiar rush of heat to her cheeks, Nancy was just glad that Mia currently had her head bent over the sink and was unable to see it.
‘You’re not saying anything.’ Mia finished rinsing her mouth from the tap and righted herself once more. As tenacious as any terrier, she prompted, ‘Well? Yes or no?’
‘Look, it doesn’t work like that,’ Nancy said helplessly.
‘Of course it does! How else is it going to work? Trust me, I’ve got a real feeling about this.’ Reaching for a towel, Mia wiped her mouth. ‘The two of you could be great together. I’m serious, all my friends say how brilliant I am at fixing people up. I just know these things. I have the eye for it. In fact, I think I could be romantically psychic.’
‘Really.’ Just because Mia wasn’t slurring her words and staggering around, Nancy was discovering, didn’t mean she wasn’t still three sheets to the wind.
‘OK, marks out of ten,’ Mia went on, holding up her fingers like a bossy teacher. ‘Don’t be shy, let’s get this out in the open, we’ll score him for looks, personality and—’
‘Right, that’s enough.’ A voice behind them caused both Nancy and Mia to wheel round. Nancy winced at the sight of Connor in the doorway. Just how much had he heard? Oh God, did he think she and Mia had cooked up this entire scheme between them?
Thank heavens she hadn’t started giving him marks out of ten.
‘Excuse my daughter. Thanks for keeping an eye on her.’ Connor nodded briefly at Nancy, his expression grim. ‘I’ll take over now.’
‘Time for my talking-to,’ said Mia, pulling a face. ‘Time for my big telling-off. If you don’t see me for the next six months it’ll be because Dad’s locked me in the cellar.’
‘What you did tonight wasn’t funny,’ Connor countered.
‘Just as well we aren’t giving you marks out of ten after all,’ Mia grumbled. ‘You wouldn’t get a very high score while you’re being this mean.’
‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Relieved to be escaping, Nancy edged her way out of the bathroom. ‘See you . . . um, later.’
‘Probably in July or August,’ Mia flashed her an unrepentant smile, ‘when I get out of the cellar. That’s if the rats haven’t eaten me by then.’
‘Personally,’ said Connor, ‘I’d feel sorry for the rats.’
As she made her way downstairs, two unwelcome thoughts struck Nancy.
Connor looked knee-tremblingly magnificent when he was angry. Which was bad news, because it meant she only fancied him all the more.
Worse still, would the fact that Mia had effectively forced her father to end his relationship in such an abrupt fashion result in him only fancying Sadie Sylvester all the more himself ?