he battle was a horrible one. It was a massacre, the Big slaughtering the Small without mercy. The Bardic Gnome, platinum wreath on his brow, watched from a distant butte as the battle unfolded, contemplatively plucking a string on his lyre. “It will make another episode in the epic of the Gnomes,” he thought. And there and then he wrote that great epic poem, “The Slaughter of the Small,” composed on the battlefield for the greater Glory and future Fame of the Gnomes. Here it is in its entirety:
There are much nobler sports than those that catch
At niggling little irritating gnats
And crush them underfoot as we go on
To Gnomish Fame and Glory on our Lawn!
The battle was beneath us, that’s a fact
But ’long as we do win is the main act
No Rebels can oppose our giant maw
If only they weren’t stuffed, we’d eat them raw!
(refrain) Hah, hah, hah, hah! Hah, hah, hah, hah! Ha-HA!
Now listen, younger Gnomes, unto our tale
Of how we strove to reach our snowy Grail
The Sun God did rise up as was foretold
And snuck into the Rebel Camp so bold
He found his way upon the Path of Care
That scrubby track that leads to Rebel Lair
We followed him with all our derring-do
To slaughter and wipe out that motley crew!
The Rebels had no choice but stand and fight
How stupid to oppose our awful might!
Those mis’rable Girl Bears, we trussed their paws
And shot a few more martyrs for the cause!
(repeat refrain) Hah, hah, hah, hah! Hah, hah, hah, hah! Ha-HA!
There was one Bear who lived to fight again
She rose up and, determined, bit our man
Who shooed her like an insect on his hand
And stomped her till she smothered in the sand.
The black and yellow Teddy rode her steed
Into the midst of Gnomes she gave the lead
To Fairy Tale Creatures, big and small
I tell you, Gnomes, we just destroyed them all!
Those Pleasures Living and those Pretty Toys
We never had such fun in killing joys!
Although it was beneath us, it’s the truth
That Gnomes delight in being without ruth!
(repeat refrain) Hah, hah, etc.
And let us not forget the noble Dog
Alone among the rabble did us jog
To feelings of good will and brotherhood
His stand with trash can ne’er be understood
He snarled at us and ran into the fray
A flamethrower just blew him all away
Big Teddy then was left without a shield
We broke her pony’s knees until he yield’d
And gloating then we finished up our game
We pulled the Bear to pieces all the same
Made sure her parts were scattered on the Plain
So never will she e’er be whole again
We won, we won, we won, we’re proud to say
Tomorrow will there dawn a Gnomish Day
With Gnomish rights and many Gnomish laws
And no one left to tell us of our flaws!
(repeat refrain ad infinitum until drunk or asleep)
