ALL NIGHT, GRACE TOSSED, turned, paced and finally sat at the table fiddling with her drawings. No ideas came to her. All she could think of was how much she missed Jules.
From the day Jules was born, they’d been inseparable. Her arms had grown accustomed to his weight. Her heart needed his nearness and her head would not quiet down from worry until she clutched him close.
What if Jules had slipped in the tub, gulped too much water and Mica couldn’t pick him up fast enough? What if Jules choked on his food? He’d been doing that with his zwieback toast, but he loved it so much, she indulged him. Jules was crawling everywhere now. What if Mica didn’t watch him close enough and he hurt himself? What if he rolled off the bed? What if he suddenly came down with a fever again?
Grace forced herself to wait until six before dressing and heading out the door to drive Aunt Louise’s car to Mica’s farm. The cold wind bit through her thin wool coat with a vengeance.
What if the Barzonnis had encountered another power outage? There was no telling what these high winds could do across those open fields.
She started the engine, and while it warmed a bit, she texted Mica that she was on her way.
She didn’t expect an answer. Surely Mica was sound asleep.
She backed out into the dark street, thankful for the streetlamp so close to the driveway.
Just as she reached the end of Maple Boulevard, her phone pinged.
“Mica?”
At the stop sign she glanced at his text.
Jules will be glad to see you.
“What does that mean?”
Now she was really worried. She wanted to text him back, but two cars pulled up behind her.
“Seriously? It’s six in the morning!” She went through the stop sign and turned south. Both cars turned north toward town.
The highway had been plowed and was bone-dry. It was as if the blizzard had never happened. Yet it was a night she would remember forever. Mica had been her hero, taking care of her, Jules and Mrs. Beabots. He’d had all the answers and hadn’t flinched at the situation. Mica had been brought up on a farm and he’d obviously absorbed skills and knowledge she’d never had the opportunity to see him put into action.
Her cell pinged again.
On this part of the two-lane, divided highway, she was the only car. She glanced at the message.
I miss you.
“What?”
It was the first time Mica had ever voiced any feeling for her. As intimate as they’d been, she’d always felt that she didn’t hold his heart. Not even a fraction of it.
“Last year, I would have been satisfied with a crumb. I would have tried to build on that. But now? With Jules—?” It’s all or nothing. She loved Mica. She wanted him. She always had.
She turned into the farm gates and drove up the drive.
“Hi, Grace!” Mica called from the top of the stairs to his apartment as she got out of the car. “We’re up here.”
He looked handsome, freshly showered and shaved, his dark hair still a bit wet. His blue eyes gleamed at her. After climbing the stairs, she came to stand by him and he kissed her cheek.
“Good morning,” he said brightly and then kissed her other cheek.
This time he nuzzled her neck briefly, but it was enough to set her heart pounding and send a rash of chills straight down her back and up to the top of her scalp.
She was ash. Cooked on the spot.
She closed her eyes as a flash of romantic possibilities crossed her mind. Mica in Paris. The three of them in Venice. Mica holding Jules as she roamed the silk factories in Lyon.
“You okay?”
“Huh?”
“You’re holding your breath.”
She exhaled. “I was.”
His smile was happy and just a bit impish. “That’s a good sign.” He put his fingers under her chin and lifted her face closer to him.
“A sign?”
“That you won’t mind a good-morning kiss,” he said.
Before Grace could protest, not that she wanted to or thought she should, he kissed her. It was the Mica kind of kiss that had brought her to her knees one too many times. But there was something vastly different. His lips were soft and caressed her with a need to linger, as if he didn’t want the kiss to end.
She couldn’t help melting into him and filling her head with the scent of his lemon shampoo. She kissed him back like he was the only man in the world for her.
He held her with so much strength, she would have sworn he was using two arms, not one.
She didn’t want this kiss to end. But she forced herself to pull away. “We should check on Jules.”
“Yes,” Mica said. He stepped inside. “I couldn’t wait for you to get here. Jules is walking!”
“What?” Grace forgot the kiss. “That’s impossible.”
“No, really. He did. We’re going to show you.” Mica stepped around her and went to Jules, who was on two feet, gripping the mesh walls of his playpen. He was dressed in a sweater she’d designed, red with a black collar, black corduroy pants and little black-and-white oxford baby shoes she’d found at an infant designer’s show on the Left Bank in Paris. She was impressed that Mica had put the outfit together just as she would have, rather than simply throwing something on.
Hmm. That’s a sign, too. Isn’t it?
Jules squealed with delight when he saw Grace. He let go of the walls, threw up his hands and promptly fell back on his bum.
He stared at them both and let out a cry.
“Oh, Jules.” Grace went to the playpen and picked him up. Jules quieted immediately. She kissed the top of his head and got a whiff of...lemon? “He smells exactly like you.”
“I know. We took a shower together this morning. He loved it.”
“You what? How could you do that? What if he slipped?”
Mica puffed up his chest and grinned. “I put him in a sling around my neck. It was a father-son bonding thing. He washed my hair. I washed his.”
Grace had to chuckle. “And I forgot his baby shampoo.”
“Didn’t need it. He liked my soap, too. Don’t worry, I put that baby lotion on him so his skin doesn’t dry out. You can’t be too careful, you know. Winter and this dry indoor heat. I have a humidifier, though.”
Grace stared at Mica, agape. “Seems you’ve thought of everything.”
“Tried to.”
Mica walked over and took Jules in his arm. Jules practically jumped on Mica. “Now, watch this.”
Mica put Jules on the floor. “Okay, buddy. Let’s show Mommy how you can walk.”
Mica held Jules’s left hand with his right. Jules steadied himself, then lifted his right leg, took a step. Then he lifted his left leg and took another step.
“Way to go, Jules! Super-baby! Right, Mommy?”
“Oh, Mica.” She laughed, feeling a warm glow inside. At that moment, Mica’s pride was effervescent—and she loved him all the more for the joy he found with Jules. “He started doing that just before we left Paris.”
“Oh. I thought it was special for me.”
“Afraid not.” Without warning, her eyes flooded with tears. She nearly missed Jules’s third and final step, before he twisted to the left and fell at Mica’s feet. Still laughing, Jules crawled lightning-fast over to Grace, grabbed a fistful of her pants to pull himself up and, quite wobbly, hugged her leg.
Grace slid her hands under his arms and lifted him. She kissed his cheek and Jules clapped his hands.
“Grace, you’re crying,” Mica said, reaching over and wiping her cheek.
“I am.”
“Why?”
“No one has called me Mommy before. It—it...”
“You don’t like it?”
She shook her head. “The opposite. It sounds so...lovely.” She kissed Jules’s cheek again. “But you’ve always been my super-baby.”
“He is special. It’s that Barzonni gene pool. Brains. Good looks.” He chuckled.
Grace caught his mirth. “You are so full of it.”
“No! It’s true! Can’t I be the proud dad?”
Grace felt her heart melt. She could feel her love radiating toward Mica, and as she watched his deep blue eyes soften and an affectionate smile fill his face, she knew he felt it, too.
“Of course you should be proud,” she said. “I know I am. He’s a remarkable baby.”
Mica touched Jules’s cheek, his eyes never leaving Grace’s face. “He’s you. You’re the remarkable one.”
“Mica—”
He leaned over and kissed Jules’s cheek, then quickly raised his head and captured her lips once again. It was a brief kiss but packed with enough emotion to knock Grace off balance.
As he pulled away, he said, “This is how all mornings should start out, don’t you think?”
“I, uh...”
“I thought you’d agree.”
“I didn’t. I do. I mean...”
“I’m making us breakfast.” He changed the subject.
“I thought you didn’t cook,” she said, still thinking about this imagined morning filled with kisses.
“Oh, I’ve got some surprises up my sleeve.” Chuckling, he motioned toward his galley kitchen. “Now come right over here and sit at the counter. Jules already christened his new high chair last night.”
“What did you have for dinner?”
“Pizza. He loved it.”
“Jules? Had pizza?” she asked, hoping her horror didn’t show. It would be just like a guy to think a baby could have pizza. She hoped he hadn’t let him sip a cola, too.
“I gave him a couple bites of the cheese. Not too much. I only wanted to see his expression when he tasted it. Mom gave me some macaroni and cheese. He likes those little pieces that he can pick up. No Italian sausage. She said it was too spicy for him.”
“She’s so right.” She put her hand over her mouth to stifle her smile. Thank goodness for Gina’s expert child-rearing.
Mica pulled a bowl of cut-up strawberries out of the refrigerator. “I cleaned these last night. Here’s some cream. I didn’t put sugar on them. I thought Jules should get used to natural flavors.”
He spooned a small amount of berries onto a plastic child’s plate and then put the plate on the tray in front of Jules. Jules picked up a strawberry piece and rather than smashing it, as Grace expected, he put the strawberry in his mouth and swallowed it whole. He clapped and smiled. “Ba!”
“He likes it!” Mica said.
Mica turned to the counter and opened a carton of eggs. “I’m doing scrambled. That okay?”
“Sure. But Mica, seriously, I can help.”
“You are helping,” he said, looking at her over his shoulder. “You’re here.”
The shroud of gloom that descended upon her was so real, she thought she could feel its fabric. She was leaving even sooner than expected. She’d been right that something had changed between her and Mica. Every moment with him today was bliss.
Everything in the kitchen slowed as Grace thought about the announcement she was going to have to make to Mica. He tore off pieces of paper towel and put strips of bacon on the towel, covered it and put it in the microwave. He scrambled eggs in a frying pan on the stove. English muffins popped out of the toaster. She heard him talking to her, but his words sounded as if they were being spoken underwater.
He was happy this morning. Genuinely happy. All because Jules had stayed overnight. He’d kissed her as if he loved her.
Sun splashed through the kitchen window, flooding the apartment with warmth and all the hope that came with a new day. She’d never seen Mica like this. Smiling at her, stopping every so often to kiss the top of Jules’s head. Jules reached up to give Mica a piece of strawberry, which Mica then gobbled down while making faces at Jules.
It was the picture of domestic bliss.
Shockingly, Grace realized this was what she’d dreamed of in her other life, as that young girl who’d given her heart to Mica.
Even last year, when she’d fallen for Mica so intensely, she had wanted this in the deepest caverns of her heart. She hadn’t let herself indulge in that fantasy because her career was too important. The stakes were too high. She hadn’t wanted to get distracted.
But today, she was living her dream.
Perhaps that was why time seemed to slow down. It was her moment to relish this absolute happiness. The joy Mica and Jules shared seemed like a miracle. Jules had always been a friendly baby, but this was extraordinary. Grace could never have orchestrated this kind of instant kinship. Such things were out of her power.
Mica set a plate in front of her, then poured coffee. Offered her cream and sugar. Then he sat next to her with his own breakfast.
“Tell me what you think. I put chopped chives in the eggs. I forgot to ask you. Mom grows the chives in the winter, so I can vouch for their freshness.”
Grace tasted the eggs. “Delightful.” She lowered her fork as she swallowed over the massive lump of emotion. Her chest burned and her heart swelled. She wiped her hands on the paper napkin.
“Oh, Mica,” she muttered.
“What?”
“I think I liked you better when you were being a jerk to me.” She fought back her tears but it was useless.
“Grace, what’s going on?”
“You’re being so, well, wonderful.”
“I can actually do that, Grace. When I’m not being a jerk.” He lowered his voice. “I’m sorry for all that.”
She laid her hand on his knee and looked into his eyes—eyes that had and would haunt her every day and night of her life. “Now I’m going to be the jerk.”
“Grace...” His voice was apprehensive. She could almost hear the shields go up around his heart. The heart that had been so open to her and Jules only a second ago. The heart she was about to break.
“I have to go back to Paris.”
He gave her a funny look. “I know that.”
“No, something’s come up. We have to leave tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“Yes. I changed our flight.”
“Did you say ‘our’ flight?”
“Yes. I was wrong to ask you to take care of Jules for me. This trip here has shown me that I can’t stand to be without him for even one night. I thought I’d go crazy last night without him.” She dropped her face to her hands and allowed a sob to escape. She had to toughen up. Mica would be furious. He might even slap her with a lawsuit, send lawyers after her, to stop her from taking Jules away. He could do all kinds of things. He could break her heart over and over again.
“So, you’re taking Jules back with you?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t understand. You don’t have anyone to help you.”
“I called Aunt Louise last night after talking to Etienne and Rene. When I told her the situation, she said she would close the ice-cream shop for a month so she can help me. That gives us time to find a nanny or an au pair.”
“And you don’t need me?”
Need him? Did he just ask that? She’d never needed him more in her entire life.
His eyes held such longing, she felt a sapling of hope bloom inside her.
“I do need you, Mica,” she blurted.
He stared at her for a long moment. “Apparently not.” He dropped his gaze and tossed his napkin over his cold food.
She stood. “You stubborn Barzonni. What do I have to do or say to get through to you? I love you, Mica.” He turned back to her, startled. “I do. That has never been the issue. This time here has only sealed my fate. I’ll never love anyone like I love you. But that’s not enough, is it, Mica? Go ahead, say it. I’m not enough for you.”
“That’s not it, Grace.”
“Then tell me what it is,” she groaned. “And it better not be about your arm.”
“It is and it isn’t. When you got here and told me about Jules, I was angry and hurt. I felt betrayed. Maybe I still do feel that way—a little. But I also saw your side of things. It’s been slow in coming, but I’ve figured out some things for myself and about my career. And much of that is because of you. You’re passionate and motivated. No obstacle is going to stop you. When I’m with you, I feel like I can take on anything. I feel a power I haven’t felt since, well, college. You give me purpose, Grace. And more than that. When I’m with you, I’m happy. And that’s very rare for me. When Jules and I were here alone last night, this place felt so empty. I missed you, Grace. I really missed you.”
She was stunned. “You—missed me?” Was that possible? She’d counted the days, the weeks, she’d hoped upon hope to hear him say that.
“Yes.” He reached for her hand. “I thought that over the next few days... I had plans...”
“What plans?”
“Just to be with you. Tell you that...” His voice caught in his throat as if this was the most difficult thing he’d ever said.
Was he changing his mind? Did he even know his feelings for her?
Grace felt the pressure of his fingers as they tightened around hers. His eyes were filled with earnest intensity. She could almost touch the love coming from him. He was in love with her but he wouldn’t say it.
“Tell me what?” she urged, holding her breath.
He glanced away and when he met her eyes again, his were guarded. “You’ve made this decision to go back to Paris and take Jules with you.”
“I don’t have much choice,” she replied.
“You sure about that?”
She hesitated. The choice she made right now would affect all their lives. Only a moment before, her decision to leave for Paris, to accept her duty to her team, had been the only option. She hadn’t dared to dream Mica might declare his feelings for her.
But now?
She’d betrayed him—again.
She loved this man more than anything. But her actions told a different story. Leaving now would crush him. She’d hurt him deeply by keeping Jules from him for months. Now she was taking Mica’s son away again. She was a force of destruction. Yet she’d never felt as small and insignificant as she did now.
The dark shadow that fell over Mica’s face mirrored the black feeling in her own heart.
In the short time she’d been back in Indian Lake, she’d witnessed Mica’s transformation from despair to distrust, to affection and finally to love for his baby son. And he’d finally allowed her to see that he cared about her as well. And in one moment, with one decision, she’d ruined it all.
She was leaving him behind.
She didn’t blame him for holding his tongue.
He took a deep breath. “Look, Grace, I want the best for Jules, for you, for...us,” he said, his voice infused with emotion. Grace could only stare at him. Her heart skipped a beat.
Was it possible? Could her dream come true? She didn’t dare speak and break the moment.
His eyes smoldered with yearning and hope. “I don’t understand,” she said, struggling not to cry.
“I have some things I have to prove to myself. Kinda like you had to prove to yourself that you could tackle Paris and the design world. I can’t and I won’t walk in your shadow, Grace.”
“Mica. What are you saying?”
“You do need to go back, Grace. You have the world you’ve built for yourself back there. You’ll figure it out. You always have.” His words were like hammer blows. Hard enough to break her heart.
“What about Jules?”
“You and I will have to work that out. I’m sure we’re not the first parents who have had to figure out visitations and work schedules.”
“Mica, I’m so sorry it worked out like this. I really do want you to know Jules...”
“Oh, don’t get me wrong, Grace,” he said bitingly. “I’m not abandoning my only son. I’m letting you go back to take care of your show. Trust me, I’ll be on the phone every day so that Jules can hear my voice.”
Grace knew she deserved his derision. If anything, she wanted to hold him and tell him again that she loved him. But she didn’t think she could stand up to another rejection, either.
He kissed Jules goodbye and then lifted his face to her. It was only a flash, but for a moment she almost thought Mica was going to kiss her.
Wishful thinking, she thought as he turned quickly toward the door.
“Goodbye, Grace.”
She lifted her hand to wave and dropped it as he whisked out the door without a backward glance.
He was right. It was time they parted.