THE INTIMACY KES enjoyed with Morya was greater than it had ever been before. For the first time, she didn’t overthink it, didn’t hold herself in reserve. For the first time, Kes spoke of “we,” and plans for the future.
She was discovering her lover and her love all anew, and through it all, she studied Morya even as she engaged with her. Her quick repartee, the curve of her hip beneath the sheet, her brazen attitude turning to sighs or moans or the deepest submission in response to Kes’s dominance—Kes savored it all. It was not a calculating assessment but an intuitive one: both predator observing, and uncertain person testing, finding—remembering—the shape of how they fit together.
What began as a memory recalled became a thought, obsessing. To go away, and take Morya with her. To leave this all behind: the conflict, the pressures, Helda, Gistano, Ilanya. Could she just walk away from it, after angling to become part of the Palumara shigasue clan?
Yes, she told herself. This is more important. This is what I want.
A life with her girl. She’d watched herself carefully, as they spent intense time together, to see what her Beast wanted to do when passions flared and inhibitions were down. She could think of ten people she could do away with in a heartbeat, but if she hurt Morya in a way she did not really intend …
Kes bared her teeth with a predatory growl. It was as much triumph as lust: through sheer force of will and desire to not seriously harm her love, she’d found the balancing point, and was secretly relieved to discover that there was one, after all. She had to dig deep to find it, hold herself in check and walk away from her girl more than once, while Morya was helpless and begging for more. She didn’t know, couldn’t possibly know, what she was inviting. What had nearly come out to play.
After one long soul-searching eternity, while Kes decided whether to love Morya or strangle her to death for the simple joy of seeing fear in her eyes—after that, Kes discovered her own limits. Learned what it took to enforce them. And was glad to find that she could.
That was the turning point that made her learn how to put a leash on that Beast. If she walked free again, it would be because Kes allowed it, not because the Beast ran free on her own. Even if it was a struggle to make sure it stayed that way.
Yet as she congratulated herself on her time with Morya, the task Ilanya wanted her to do still preyed upon her mind. Every time she thought of Janus now, she felt anger, suspicion, distrust. Rage flared when she recalled what Eva had told her about his backing of Gistano and the Icechromers. She knew how good it would feel to take him down.
The discipline of self-control she was beginning to exercise with Morya was not tempering her reaction to Janus. She could feel the difference: Morya was hers, to be possessed, to be kept safe, while Janus was in a different compartment entirely. He marked himself apart by allowing the Icechromers to do as they did. She didn’t care what any of his other crimes might be, just that he controlled that derevin tool.
She gritted her teeth. She’d had a real rapport with him, and his betrayal was all the more grotesque for it. Maybe she’d ask him what the hell he’d been thinking before she killed him. Maybe he’d apologize, or beg for his life when he realized he was reaping what he had sown.
What to do, how to do it.… Decisions must be made, ones she didn’t want to deal with. Time and again she shoved them from her thoughts, easily lost in her time with Morya—until the alarm in the desk comp forced her to think again of business.
It was hard to do, with her girl moaning beneath her. With one hand, Kes held her wrists pinioned overhead; with the other she kept her on the verge, while her teeth nipped delicate flesh hard enough to nearly draw blood. Morya gasped and surged against her, back arched, inviting more.…
The alarm intruded again, an intentionally strident one-hour cue for a session on her schedule. Her brow creased. An hour was the least time she could take to get ready, and then only with the help of dressers and the makeup girl. “Hells,” she muttered, anger flaring at this intrusion into something she didn’t want to end.
She released Morya and moved abruptly away. A soft “ah!” of abandoned surprise came from the bed as she crossed to the comp, glanced down at the screen. What she saw made her slam her hand on the desktop.
Janus.
My gods, she thought. Now?
Preoccupied with discovering Morya and mastering herself, she’d barely glanced at her client schedule. And now, just like that, the time was upon her.
I’m not ready.
The panicked thought flitted through her mind, slapped down by a fiercer voice.
Fuck him. He’s finally here, where I can deal with him.
She looked over her shoulder to her girl, hair tousled, the flush of arousal on her cheeks and chest, then back at the name on her day calendar. Every nerve in her body sang.
Kes shook her head. “Sorry, kushla. I have to go, right now. We’ll finish this later.” She shrugged into her robe and stabbed one finger at the woman in her bed. “Don’t touch yourself while I’m gone.”
Morya groaned and threw herself back on the bed. Kes laughed and was out the door, heading for the shower.