CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The nearest medical center was a good half hour away, so Cass was cleaned up, given towels to sit on, and then driven back to the ranch with Eli and Doc Parsons sandwiching her in the truck.
Dustin and Annie rode back in Dustin’s truck, and it was utterly quiet between the two of them. Annie could tell Dustin was upset. She didn’t blame him. She just sat and cried and stole glances over at him as he drove, his jaw clenched and his gaze locked to the roads.
“I guess I’m confused,” he said finally, and she looked over at him. His hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly she could see his white knuckles. “About what this is between us. I thought you loved me, Annie.”
Oh god. She hated how much raw pain was in his voice, how much betrayal. “I do, Dustin. I really do love you. But . . . I think this is all wrong. We can’t get married.”
“Why not? I thought that’s what people did when they loved each other?” He looked over at her. “When they have a baby on the way.”
“I don’t want you to marry me just for the baby—”
“I’m not and you know it.”
She did. She tried again. “Dustin. You had plans and dreams before I showed up pregnant on your doorstep. Those plans and dreams did not involve starting a family right away. Those dreams did not involve staying in one town for a long time with a family to support. Those aren’t your dreams, and I know it. Those are your nightmares.”
He gave her a narrow-eyed look. “That’s not true.”
“It is true!” Annie cried. “Dustin, when we first met, you told me all about your father and how you hated the choices he’d made. You didn’t see how he could give up his dreams to stay home and marry the woman he got pregnant. What do you think we’re doing? You wanted to go to Florida. You wanted to buy a boat. You wanted to sail the coast and explore new places. Last time I looked, this wasn’t it.” She spread her hands wide. “This is the same place you’ve been for the last few years, you got me pregnant, and now we’re settling down, and I keep thinking in my head that this is never what you wanted, and I keep waiting for the day that you start to hate me.”
“Hate you?” This time the look he gave her was incredulous. “Are you insane? Annie, I love you. I’m thrilled you’re pregnant. I can’t wait for our life to start together. I would never hate you.”
“You say that now,” she continued stubbornly. “It’s only been a few weeks. What about when work turns into the same old, same old and the baby needs his diaper changed at two in the morning? What about ten years from now when you’re in the exact same town doing the exact same job, except you have me and the baby holding you back? Are you still going to be thrilled? Or are you going to wish you’d made other choices?”
“I won’t regret you and Morgan, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Her heart squeezed painfully to hear him say the baby’s name, as if he—or she—were already part of the family. “Dustin,” she said softly. “I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. But if the timing’s not right for us, it’s just not right. There’s nothing wrong in admitting that. It’s better than trying to make this something that it shouldn’t be.”
“So what are you saying?” His tone was flat, dead.
Annie continued, because it needed to be said. “I’m saying that you shouldn’t change all of your plans because of me. I came back here not because I wanted to demand that you take part in the baby’s life, but because I felt you had a right to know. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you.” Her voice choked on the words. “And I think that’s wonderful, but I can also admit when the timing is all wrong.”
“Maybe it’s not the timing that’s wrong,” he said, voice harsh. Dustin wouldn’t look at her. He stared straight ahead at the dark road. “Maybe you’re afraid of commitment.”
“Maybe,” she admitted. “But I can’t marry you right now, Dustin. If I did, I’d be anxious for the rest of my life, worrying if this is the day that you wake up hating me for turning you into your father.”
“That won’t happen—”
“Really? Have you called him?”
“Huh?” He turned and stared at her, confused.
“Your father. You’ve had such a spiritual change of heart . . . have you called him? Told him you were wrong all those years ago? That you’re okay with going down the exact same path he did?” When his jaw clenched stubbornly and he turned his gaze back to the road, she knew she was right. “I’m not saying I don’t love you. I’m just saying the timing isn’t right for now.”
“So what do you want from me, Annie?” His voice was hoarse with emotion.
She was going to start crying. Any moment now, she’d lose it. Somehow, though, she managed to continue speaking, her voice bright. “I want you to call that guy about the boat. I know you were close to pulling the trigger on it. Call him and go buy it. Go up and down the shore for as long and as often as you want. When the baby’s ready to be born, I’ll call you so you can be there. And when you’re ready to settle down, I’ll be waiting for you in Los Angeles.” Her voice dropped. “And if that never happens, that’s okay, too.”
It was so quiet for so long that she wondered if he’d ever speak to her again.
“What about us?” Dustin’s voice was gentle.
Her eyes burned with tears. “Maybe someday there will be a time for us, but I don’t think it’s now.”
Cass’s baby boy was born somewhere around three in the morning, just after Annie finished packing her bags. She held little Travis Elijah Pickett for a few minutes, telling Cass what a beautiful baby he was and smiling at proud Eli, who was grinning for what felt like the first time since she’d met him. She admired the baby for a few minutes, then handed him back to his mother and father, saying she had to go to sleep.
Then, she harnessed Spidey and slung her bag over her shoulder and went to say goodbye to Dustin. He was in his room, sitting in the rocking chair, the baby book in his hands, unopened. His normally laughing face was full of pain and her heart clenched all over again. She wondered if she was doing the right thing . . . but if she didn’t give him the opportunity to seize his dreams now, they’d both regret it for the rest of their lives. He looked up at her with his heart in his beautiful eyes.
“Don’t go, sweetheart.”
She swallowed back the tears that threatened and went to his side. When he got to his feet, she took his hand and clasped it in hers. “This isn’t goodbye, all right? I still want to be part of your life. I still want you to be Morgan’s daddy. Nothing on that end has changed.” It was just her own happiness she was sacrificing.
“It changes everything and you know it.” Dustin squeezed her hand, his eyes begging her to stay. “I would never resent you, Annie. I love you.”
She smiled at him. Touched his cheek.
And left, because she didn’t know what else to do or how to fix this. All she knew was that if she stayed and things continued like they were, one of them would regret it. And she was pretty sure it wouldn’t be her.
Dustin had to decide on his own what he wanted, and he’d never be able to do that with her right in front of him, carrying his baby. She’d forced her hand on him once by returning, and she wouldn’t do so again.
The drive back to Los Angeles was a long one. Annie hated every minute of it. She might have cried all through the drive out of Wyoming and Arizona and right into California itself. She was always crying it seemed, and this time, she couldn’t blame the hormones. A dozen times she thought about turning around and returning. It was late, after all. The middle of the night. She could say she would be leaving soon enough and then just . . . not go. That would be easier. Dustin would welcome her back with open arms and kiss away her tears.
And then . . .
And then she’d be right back where she started, wondering about that boat and his happiness. Everyone in town had known that he wanted to leave. They’d known his wandering nature even before she did.
She was doing the right thing.
She was.
Why did it feel so very wrong, then? Like she was making a huge mistake?
Annie drove all night. She was tired, but the thought of going to a hotel and sleeping alone filled her with despair, so she kept driving. She stopped every hour to use the restroom, or grab a snack, and to walk Spidey. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she was on the outskirts of Los Angeles before she realized it. Home already.
Except, even as she drove up to the familiar driveway of her mother’s even-more-familiar house, it didn’t feel like “home” anymore. Home was with Dustin. Home was a sprawling ranch house nestled in the mountains of Wyoming where a few cowboys and one cowboy’s wife lived. Home was the man she loved waiting for her with a smile.
She wondered if she’d ever feel at home again.
Annie parked the car, unbuckled her dog, and then headed inside. Kitty came out of the kitchen, a martini glass in her hand, her heavily penciled brows rising at the sight of her very pregnant daughter. “Home already? I thought you were staying.”
“Hi, Kitty. Bye, Kitty,” Annie said, dropping her bag and heading to her bedroom. She’d talk to her mother later.
“Oh no, that’s not enough of an answer,” Kitty said, following her, the skewered olive making a tink noise in her glass. “Why are you back?”
Annie eased onto her bed—no dramatic belly flop when seven months pregnant—and hugged her pillow. “Because Dustin asked me to marry him and I said no.”
“Hmm.” Kitty sat down on the opposite side of the bed. “Why?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Mom.”
“You know I hate it when you call me that. And if you don’t want to talk about it, your mother’s just going to have to guess.” Kitty took a sip of her martini, thinking. “He’s got a wife.”
“No.”
“He’s up to his ears in debt.”
“No. Mom, seriously, just leave me alone.”
Kitty gave her a pointed look for using “mom” instead of her name. “He’s got a raging venereal disease—”
“Mom!”
“Then what is it?” Kitty gave her a pointed look, and when Annie closed her eyes, Kitty poked her in the shoulder with a manicured nail. “This isn’t like you, darling.”
“I love him. But I don’t think we can be together.”
Kitty was silent, so Annie opened an eye and looked over at her mother. Sure enough, her mother was squinting at her, a line furrowing her normally immovable brow. “Why ever not? He wants to stay in that hideous Wyoming and you wanted to come home to civilization, right?”
She sighed. It was clear that Kitty was going to guess—and keep guessing incorrectly—until Annie answered her. So she told her mother the entire story—of how Dustin’s parents had settled down and his father had been trapped into a marriage of convenience for the baby’s sake. How Dustin had vowed that would never be him and had left home. About the damned boat and how everyone in town knew about it, so it meant something to Dustin. About her fears of becoming the thing that held him back from his dreams. When she was done speaking, Kitty was silent. She stroked Annie’s hair back from her face and sipped her martini thoughtfully.
“Well?” Annie prompted, curious.
“Do you want me to sugarcoat it, darling? Or do you want me to tell you what I really think?”
“Tell me what you really think.”
“I think you’re being foolish, darling.” She gave Annie’s shoulder a little pat. “This is a stupid idea.”
Annie frowned at her mother. “I think I should have asked you to sugarcoat it.”
“You have a man that wants to be the father of your child. He obviously has money or he wouldn’t be buying a boat. He loves you. He’s handsome—I assume he’s handsome, yes?” She shrugged. “I don’t see the problem here.”
Annie propped up on one elbow and gave her mother an odd look. “And if he resented me?”
“It’s marriage, darling. It’s not meant to last forever. Is Wyoming one of those states that gives you half his money if you divorce? If so then I’d say you really messed up.”
She lay back down again, closing her eyes. It figured that her mother would look at it that way. “Forget I asked.”
Kitty took another drink of her martini. “Don’t be mad, darling.”
“I thought you’d be supportive. You, of all people, the most independent woman in Hollywood who has no time for any man.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want a husband, Annie.” Kitty’s voice turned gentle. “I said he didn’t want me. I told him about you and he rejected me and the baby both. That destroyed me and for years I wondered if I was doing you a disservice—if I should find some low-end producer or even a cameraman like Julia Roberts and just get married so you could have a father figure in your life. Do you think if your father had wanted me that I’d have walked away? Everyone wants to be loved, darling.” She patted Annie on the shoulder. “Just don’t be so quick to push him away because you’re worried about being rejected.”
“That’s not what this is—”
“I’m your mother, darling.” Kitty’s expression grew wise. “You think I don’t know my own daughter? You ran away from him once because you were afraid of getting hurt. Now you’re doing it all over again for the same reason. At some point you’re going to have to acknowledge that your problem is not entirely of his making.”
Annie just stared at her mother. That sounded . . . wise. And startlingly close to home.
Kitty beamed at her. “See? And you thought all those prismatic therapy sessions were a waste. Your color right now is very, very purple. Purple is the shade of regrets, Annie dear.” She paused, considering. “I think. Maybe it’s blue.”
The baby kicked in Annie’s belly and she shook her head. What was done was done. Dustin deserved to be able to make his own choices, and she’d give him that at the very least. So she patted the bed, and when Spidey hopped up next to her, she hugged her little dog against her pregnant belly and closed her eyes. “I’m tired, Mom.”
“You sleep, darling. I’m meeting the girls for happy hour. Call me if you need anything!”
Kitty exited in a flourish of tinkling jewelry and Annie was alone with her dog. She rubbed his ears and snout, thinking. Was her mother right? Was Annie running before she had the chance to have her heart broken? Was this just another excuse because she was worried Dustin would abandon her like her father had Kitty?
There were no simple answers, only more questions.
And hormonal tears. There were always more hormonal tears.
Stupid hormones.