CONTENTS

Title Page

Dedication

TEN BACKBENCHERS’ COMMANDMENTS

 

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

 

FOREWORD

 

FIRST STEPS

How to Arrive

How to Take the Oath

How to Cohabit with IPSA

How to Find a London Home

How to Appoint Staff

How to Vote

How to Find a Role

Sleaze Buster

Commons Fixture

Campaigner

International Statesperson

Legislator

Select Committee Loyalist

Thorn in the Party’s Flesh

Euro-Crusader

Sleaze Monger

Constituency Evangelist

Extreme Wing Irritant

In-Flight Fueller

Deputy Speaker

Speakers-in-Waiting

Single Issue Eccentric

Gullivers

Frontbench Scourge

Media Tart

World Conscience

Miniaturist

Minister-in-Waiting

Procedure Buff

Comedian

Happiness Creator

Witch Doctor

Robot

Divine Messenger

Virtuoso Bore

Social Security Buff

Ferret

Select Committee Chair

Mantra Chanter

Tantric Teaser

Whip

Mute Witness

Tyranny Smasher

Heckler

Committee Time-Filler

 

QUESTIONS

How to Ask a Question

Prime Minister’s Questions

Oral Questions to Ministers

How to Ask a Written Question

How to Answer Answers

How to Use EDMs

How to Do the Business

Adjournment Debates

 

IN COMMITTEE

How to Sparkle on Euro-committees

How to Live Through Private Bills

How to Shine at Select Committees

How to Endure Public Bill Committees

 

THE OFFICE

How to Knock-Out the Mail

How to Write a Standard Letter

How to Write an Abusive Standard Letter

How to Deal with Insane Letters

How to Cull Invitations

How to Delegate

How to be Reported

How to Use the Library

How to Allocate Time

How to Run a Campaign

How to Deal with Disaster

How to Eat and Drink

How to be Comforted

How to Avoid Bad Language

How to Blog

How to Disperse Swarmers

How to Tweet

 

THE PARTY

How to be Whipped

Expulsion from Party

How to Befriend

How to Grow a Shell Back

 

THE MEDIA

How to Handle the Press

How to Write for the Papers

How to Broadcast

How to Bargain Fees

How to Dress

How to Get Real

How to Say No to the Media

 

THE CONSTITUENCY

How to Please Constituents

How to Allow Ventilation

How to Hide the Address

How to Convince Voters that the MP Never Stops Working

How to Run Surgeries

How to Say No

How to Be a Conduit

How to Find the Silent Voices

How to Sympathise

How to Nourish the Seed Corn

How to Switch On Young Voters

How to Run a Rough Tour

How to See Off Challengers for the Seat

How to Stay Married/Single

How to Behave in a Recess

 

OUT OF TOWN

How to Survive Abroad

How to Party (Conference)

How to Help the Party

How to Avoid/Adore Royalty

 

IN THE CHAMBER

How to Pray

How to Speak

How to Address

How to Recover from Crash Landings

How to Avoid Language Lapses

How to Survive the Speaker

How to Dilute Boredom

How to Doughnut

How to Nickname

How to Cultivate Enemies

How to Insult

How to Out-Tech

How to Prepare Impromptu Remarks

How to Be a Hooligan

How to Intervene

How to Legislate

How to Use Ten Minutes

How to Petition

How to Win Prizes

How to Apologise

 

ADVANCED STEPS

How to Get it Wright

How to Go to War

How to Squirrel

How to Survive Unpopular Causes

How Not to be Spun

How to Ignore Disabilities

How to Avoid Murder

How to Persuade Government

How to Free Information

How to Blaze a Trail

How to Walk on Water

How to Climb the Greasy Pole

How to Succeed

How to be Honoured

How to Use Privilege

How to Switch Off

How to Stay Sane

How to Know the Village Folk

How to be Re-Elected

 

FINAL STEPS

How to be Ennobled

How to Resign

How Not to Revolve

How to Eulogise

How to Die

 

THE FUTURE

How to Restore Trust

Copyright