Taking care of your BRP is now a very important part of your life. Men tend to like their castle to be orderly and things to run smoothly, and that’s not always the case when you have a new baby in the mix. Well, there is an axiom that holds true: when Momma’s happy, everyone is happy. Buying Mom an iPad (which will act like a grownup pacifier) may tide her over for a few weeks, but what are you going to do when the bloom is off that rose? You need to take care of your family and tackle any problems that seem to be going on at home; you two are a team after all. In this chapter, we’ll discuss a few strategies that will help keep the glass half full in your home long after the thrill of playing “Angry Birds Space” has worn off.
What is the role of the modern day “Dad”? Now, I don’t expect you to answer, as you just recently added “Dad” to your life resume. But I am going to ask you to come along with me and give it some thought.
…
What did you come up with? Nothing? Okay, because this is a conversation, I will help get you started. Ultimately, your role will be to be whatever your family needs. Sound overwhelming? Well, hopefully you and Mom have split up the household and childrearing roles/duties amongst yourselves. You should have her back, and she should have yours. As we have discussed, the most important indicator of a child growing up in good condition is when his parents are together. Your kids need you.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
—Milton Berle
So, as your family grows, what exactly you need to do will start to become clear. Someone — or two someones — has to work and earn money. Chores need to be done. Your child’s needs have to be taken care of.
But know that you do have your work cut out for you. You will be fighting the past reality of less involved dads-as-parents, and the continuing perception that only a minority of dads are pulling their weight. When I brought up this topic as a kind of mad science experiment, it brought instant feedback from many women that their husbands aren’t doing their 50 percent, and perusing a few popular Motherhood blogs only showed this sense of inequality again. So, by taking on the role of being an active parent and partner to your BRP, you will be, in essence, attempting to redefine how fathers are thought of today. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking to yourself that just going to work is “enough.” Even if you are allowed to do this by your forgiving BRP, you are missing out. By doing your part with the household, and as a parent, you will only develop a stronger family bond with both the mother of your child and your child as well. When you stop to think about it, it is quite a good payoff for doing your part! You are a pioneer on par with the likes of Christopher Columbus and Lewis and Clark. Once you have decided to step up and take on this role of the “new” breed of father, you now know what must be done. You have figured out your role.
Just keep in mind that, when there’s a baby in the house, the two parents need to take care of their child, and of each other. Like the old saying goes …
The sports analogy really does work here. You and Mom are in charge of the household, and have certain responsibilities. If you two are not handling your responsibilities, then the house becomes very disorganized and it makes it very difficult for the kids. It is like when there is a lack of leadership on your team, it makes it very hard to win. You and your BRP, whatever your relationship is like today, tomorrow, or next week, are teammates in this parenting task. So be good teammates to each other. But what makes a good teammate?
These are some of the methods and thoughts to keep in mind. You can take these concepts and apply them to situations you will confront in everyday life. Play fair, try to put yourself in your BRP’s shoes, and redefine what it means to be a father today. That is all the world will ask of you. You’ve become the king of your own castle, and heavy indeed is the head that wears the crown. As the king, sometimes the best way to win, a.k.a. have peace and harmony in your castle, is to lose. Namely, lose an argument or agree to compromise to keep everyone together, which will help you draw strength and satisfaction from the fact that your family is happy. Now isn’t that more important than the 3rd quarter of the Independence Bowl or whether or not you have taken out the trash 843 straight times? Do whatever the unwanted chore of the moment may be, once more, and get on with things. When you do enough of these good deeds on a consistent basis, you may just earn a few brownie points from Mom …
Do you know when Mother’s Day began in the United States?
1914. Yes, we have been celebrating mothers for a long time in our country. By the way, you have a new holiday to be responsible for. On the gift-giving spectrum, I rate it behind Christmas and her birthday, but bigger than Valentine’s Day. Do you know when it is? You better mark your calendar. Mother’s Day is the second Sunday in May.
The two of you are venturing into unknown waters in your relationship. If you are a chronic overachiever, perhaps the two of you attended some sort of workshop or class — like a birthing class, childcare class, CPR course, etc. — in preparation for the arrival of your child. But complex relationships are almost always different in practice than they are in theory. Otherwise “diet and exercise” would be the fad diet we would all follow. So when the changes happen that come with having a child take over your lives, don’t let them overwhelm you. Adapt and evolve into a strong father and supportive partner. Your BRP, whether she stays home or goes back to work, needs your support.
One of the best ways to support your BRP is to spoil her, earn brownie points with her, etc. After all, working on your relationship with Mom is also what’s best for your child. Weird how that works, isn’t it? Basically what all of these various phrases about working on your relationship and being supportive boil down to is you making the extra effort. Make the extra effort to understand her. Try to find ways to make her day just a little easier. Your relationship has changed since your child arrived. You don’t have as much time alone together, just the two of you, and between your various responsibilities and the sleep deprivation, there will come some challenges. But I have always found it to be effective to, instead of telling her you’re committed to the family, show her instead. It can be easy to feel those good intentions as you leave for work, only to come home and succumb to the couch or television while she picks up your slack. At this point you may be saying to yourself, “Why doesn’t she ‘step up’ and rub my feet after a long day?” Well, the first reason is your feet probably smell. The second thing is, as we’ve discussed, it truly doesn’t matter what the score is in your daily life together.
Take it upon yourself to be the initiator, the one who is always there to hold things together. You may be surprised when it comes back to you in spades. So spoil Mom. Treat her like your queen. What does she truly enjoy? It could be as simple as a family picnic, a drive on a scenic road, or going for a long walk together with Junior in the stroller. My point is, it does not have to be expensive!
True or False: Although getting lots of sleep is nice, adults do not need more than five hours per night.
False. Research shows that only 3 percent of adults have the genetic makeup to thrive on less than the recommended 7.5 hours (or more) of nightly sleep. To the dads out there, to answer your question, no, that gene is not called “being tough.”
As a new dad, it’s important for you to realize, as I hope we can all agree, that moms and dads are fundamentally different. Dads, in my experience, often are satisfied to make the best of a bad situation, and not be overly distraught if the result of the day is “good enough.” But your BRP, differences in anatomy aside, is a different animal. And, well, relationships are a two-way street. You know her, and she knows you, but you are both changing, becoming different versions of yourselves. The hope here is that you are the first to step forward and say that you accept her for who she’s becoming. She is the one you choose. You hope she does the same in return for you.
One of the things that makes any long-term relationship difficult is the differences between people, and while they can help spark an interest, they can also be a source of friction in your relationship. Men and women have some pretty major differences, and while differences of opinion or taste in music are often easy to deal with and are often interesting, differences in parenting philosophy can be very difficult to overcome. Say you believe in spanking your children, and Mom does not. Mom thinks Junior should never be watched by anyone other than family, and you think the local teenager could cover you guys for a few hours. Different parental philosophies and attitudes can lead to, um, spirited discussions (a.k.a. fights) between parents. These differences can enrich your child in the long-term, but cause disagreements as well. Enjoy!
In addition to philosophical parenting differences, there is something about moms that I will probably never fully understand: the inane pressure they put on themselves to be perfect. Moms want the greeting-card life for themselves and their families. A perfect example to me are the Christmas cards that we receive and send out every year. First, many men could take or leave this practice altogether. If we were left in charge of the project, we might come up short in the areas of “theme” and “outfit coordination.” But, since your BRP probably takes charge of this part of the holidays, the cards we send out show all smiles, perfect color coordination, and often portray a Rockwellian scene. Like, here we are, stain-free and in our Christmas colors, chopping down last year’s Christmas tree in a snow-covered forest, holding mugs of steaming cocoa while various wildlife looks on. Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men. But back in the real world, the kids were complaining the whole time, the deer and birds were photoshopped, and Dad switched his cocoa for a thermos full of Scotch. But if your significant other feels this pressure to be perfect, things like the Christmas card will be important to her. Now that’s great information and insight, but how does that help you as a parent? Just remember that, when you are doing your 1,000th take of the Christmas card photo, it really may be coming from a place in your BRP where she feels pressure to give the perfect life to her family. I know when I realized this, it made it easier to work with her instead of moaning, groaning, and generally making things more difficult. The best guideline, for this and many other scenarios you may find yourself in, is “if it is important to her, then it’s important to me.” Keep that always in your mind, and you will have taken a huge step to having a happy BRP, and a happy household.
New moms are under a lot of pressure. If your BRP has decided to breastfeed, it will be important for her to get regular rest, and to maintain a healthy diet. After all, what she eats, the baby eats. Similar to during the pregnancy, she will need to limit alcohol (most say one to two drinks per week max). The good news is she can have some caffeine at least (most moms that is, check with your doctor). If your child has colic, there are many foods that worsen the condition and should be avoided, such as alcohol, spicy foods, and some vegetables. Also, if your BRP is breastfeeding, she will need to drink lots of water to stay hydrated. Put all these rules and regulations together and that’s a lot of pressure for anyone! In turn, it is your responsibility, Dad, to support her by living the same way.
In addition to diet and staying mentally positive, your BRP will have physical issues she will be recovering from postbirth. The general rule after a natural birth is to wait six weeks before she begins an exercise program, and longer if she delivered via C-section. Either way, she needs to get clearance from her doctor. But having a doctor-approved exercise routine is very important, as this will help her body strengthen and recover from giving birth, and may ward off (or lessen) common postpregnancy issues such as fatigue, muscle and back ache, and weight gain.
In addition to supporting your BRP’s efforts to stay healthy for your baby, you also need to try to find ways to keep each other mentally positive. After all, your BRP may be feeling a little overwhelmed at this time. If you are the breadwinner, then it is up to her alone to care for your child while you’re at work. If both of you work, then she may feel the pressure of missing any of your child’s accomplishments and she may be jealous of women who stay home with their children. These are traps that many women fall into. They often feel pressure, as if they will be negatively judged if not everything is perfect and they’re having trouble “having it all.” It’s your job to support her and make sure that you are doing your part (or even a little extra when it is called for) and that both of you are watching out for each other.
But sometimes, us men simply cannot quite “get it.” I do not say this with sarcasm or bitterness. I truly speak from experience. So how can we help even if we don’t understand how our BRPs are feeling during this time? Here are some tried and true methods:
Because we’re talking about “her health” here, we really dug in to find tips and actions you can take to keep Mom healthy both mentally and physically. Even if she is tackling these things on her own without much prodding from you, it would behoove you to quit horsing around and join her in her efforts. In addition to exercising with her when possible, doing things like helping plan a healthy menu together for the week will help keep both of you in sync and be one more activity you do together. What else can you do? Heck, throw on the “Kiss the Cook” apron and prepare dinner a couple nights a week. If she is required to reduce or eliminate certain items from her diet, say, like alcohol or caffeine, then as a sign of solidarity give those things up also. If you want to, the opportunities to love and support your BRP are almost limitless.
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws.
I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold
the baby and I can go out.
—Matthew Broderick
Now since we’re talking about your BRP’s health, it seems like a good spot to talk about sex. There are all kinds of factors that can bring changes to your sex life in your brave new postbaby world. The main thing is that Mom’s body has been through a lot. Can we all agree that we conceptually understand how giving birth can be extremely hard on a woman’s body without going into a detailed medical discussion? Please? Okay good. Let’s continue … So after the baby is born, most doctors recommend that you wait at least four weeks until sex. If there were any stitches required (and shouldn’t we just leave it at that?), then it will most likely trend out to six weeks, and then only if her doctor gives her the green light.
Respect your doctor’s advice on the postbirth time frame to begin having sex again. Do you know the record for the shortest recorded time between births?
Guinness Book of Records states that in 1999–2000, a New Zealand woman gave birth to children a mere 208 days apart. I wonder if they had the fortitude to have another baby shower?
Okay. So you have steeled yourself for four or possibly six weeks and a doctor’s note before “the pants party” gets started. But more caution may be required. First of all, you have to put yourself in your BRP’s shoes. Not to try to dissuade you from getting back on the horse, but here are some of the obstacles you are facing when the two of you are returning to the boudoir for the first time after the baby has arrived:
So have I dampened your enthusiasm? Did you think this section of the book would be more Kama Sutra rather than a cold splash of water? There are tons of physical and emotional demands that are required of new parents, and you will have to adjust accordingly — and be respectful of your BRP along the way.