9

Maintaining Ongoing Assertiveness

In chapter seven, you were challenged to recognize that your people pleasing can sometimes have hidden, prideful motives. That is not a pleasant thought, but your willingness to tackle it marks a major step forward. In this chapter, we will discuss the reality that the controllers in your life also have moments when they get caught in their own prideful traps.

That means it is necessary to have a game plan to help you confront the “dark side” that is part of other people. Sad to say, each relationship can have its share of misunderstandings, manipulation, selfishness, arguments, coercion, withdrawal, and the like. It’s not a very pretty picture to contemplate, yet it is an inescapable certainty: people can and will disappoint.

Because a defining element of the people-pleasing pattern is the avoidance of conflict, people pleasers can acknowledge that frustrations and aggravations are inevitable, yet they often struggle to guard themselves from the pain produced by conflict. Firmness, or assertiveness, can be a necessary ingredient in any close relationship, yet people pleasers will often do anything but act assertively, and the results can be disastrous.

As I got to know Tommy, the computer whiz introduced in chapter two, I realized that he would almost rather take a beating than stand up to someone else’s selfish behavior. Being a nice guy was such an important matter to him that he had numerous circumstances where he went along with unfair treatment to avoid conflict. Internally, he struggled with ongoing bouts of bitterness and he secretly disliked many of the people he helped, yet no one would know it because of his winsome smile and his seemingly pleasant demeanor.

One day Tommy began a session by declaring, “I absolutely hate where I’m working. I don’t know what the deal is with my manager, but he puts unbelievably high expectations on me that he puts on no one else. He’s got me putting out so many fires for other people that I feel like I’m being pulled in ninety different directions. Everyone else in my section leaves the office around five or five-thirty every day, but last week I didn’t get home once before eight o’clock. There’s a double standard going on, and I’m on the short end of the deal.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a good reason to feel upset. Is this something you’ve talked with your manager about?” I asked.

“Yeah, about five months ago in my employee review we talked about how he leans on me in ways that he does with no one else. He knows he can count on me to pull through in any crisis, which is both a blessing and a curse. I told him I wished he didn’t have quite so much confidence in me, and we both laughed about it.”

I said, “Was anything decided in that meeting that would help you feel less burdened?”

“Well, nothing formal. He did mention that he knew I had a lot on my plate and he’d try to spread out the assignments a little more evenly, but at the same time, he told me he often had no one else to turn to because I could figure things out so much more efficiently than anyone else. The extra requests slowed down for a few weeks, but as you can tell, I’m back in the same pot of stew now.”

In chapter four, we discussed how people pleasers have a strong tendency to suppress their anger. When they do, they bypass many opportunities to establish assertiveness in their major relationships. Like Tommy, they may make feeble efforts to confront their problems, but in the end there is little firmness, meaning that other people feel free to continue to take advantage of their helpful nature. Until these people learn to follow through on their assertions, it is likely they will continue to feel used.

Assertiveness can be communicated in various ways. Look over the following list to determine which forms of assertiveness you need to improve upon. If a statement does not consistently apply to you, put a check beside that number.

  1. You can speak firmly about matters of importance while simultaneously giving respect.
  2. When someone attempts to engage in unnecessary debate, you can let it be known that you’ll explain your position once but you won’t defend it.
  3. You will address problems in an immediate manner, as opposed to letting them simmer.
  4. You will say “no” when that is the appropriate response.
  5. You let people know what you can and cannot do. You set boundaries.
  6. You admit personal limits when you’re asked to do something that is out of your range of capability.
  7. You do what is right, even in the midst of opposition.
  8. You stand firmly for your beliefs.
  9. You choose not to buckle under the pressure others may put on you.
  10. You are not reluctant to let people know how they can help you address personal needs.

Checks Observations

0–4

There are moments when each of us could be more assertive, so if some of these statements look like areas for improvement, that is normal.

5–10

If you checked five or more, it is likely that assertiveness is a skill you need to work on, but don’t despair. With a solid understanding of its appropriateness, you can make the adjustments!

I spoke with Tommy about the problem of feeling overwhelmed by the extra requests placed on him by his manager. “Whether you realize it or not, you send cues to others, telling them about your limits in the relationship. I’m concerned that it has become so important for you to project a friendly image that you cue others to believe they can take advantage of you. By learning when to establish boundaries or stipulations, you could cue others to take your personal limits more seriously. It’s up to you to establish how you’ll be treated.”

“I know I need to do a better job of saying no, but I just don’t think it will be that easy. I’ve truly been helpful to my coworkers, and it will probably shock them if I start denying some requests. I know I’ll encounter resistance.”

“First of all, Tommy, don’t assume that changing your relational style should be easy. You’ve been people pleasing your entire life, so it will feel odd at first to take on a new role. At the same time, though, I’m going to guess that not everyone will be shocked when you establish some assertiveness. I’d bet that many already notice that you take on too many projects, and they’re just wondering when you’re going to tell them to back off.”

“You nailed it there,” Tommy replied. “I’ve heard over and over from people who say they are astonished at the load I carry. So maybe you’re right. Maybe I could afford to be a little less like Superman and admit to anyone who needs to know that I’m human.”

Let’s remember that a defining trait of people pleasing behavior is dishonesty. Pleasers are so invested in projecting a pleasant demeanor that they do not operate with their authentic self in charge. They allow, even encourage, others to assume things that are false. Assertiveness, then, is a step in the right direction toward injecting honesty into the relationship.

The Components
of Assertiveness

What does assertiveness mean to you?

Pleasers often have a conflicted understanding of assertiveness, as if being assertive would require them to become tough as nails or pushy. They intrinsically know that there is a strong likelihood that the recipient of assertiveness may push back, and that scares them. Especially when they engage with stubborn, strong-willed antagonists, they know assertiveness has the potential to set off a powder keg of anger in the other person. So when I counsel them, I make sure we anticipate how to maintain convictions without getting drawn into a fruitless power struggle.

As Tommy and I discussed ways his assertiveness could be established, several adjustments emerged:

These changes and many more helped Tommy become a more well-rounded person, and in the end, his pleasing behavior seemed more real and rewarding. Let’s examine how he came to terms with his newfound commitment to assertiveness, and as we do, you too can consider how your thinking and your behavior can be changed to bring a similar balance into your life.

As you ponder the ways you need to apply more assertiveness in your life, keep in mind that assertion is an act of responsibility. In the long run, you’re doing no one any favors by taking more onto your shoulders than is reasonable. Assertiveness is not always comfortable, nor is it always readily received by those who are affected by it. Nonetheless, you will need to consider the long-term benefits of being more honest, more real in your relations. Keep in mind that as assertiveness is properly balanced in a healthy relationship, it clears the way for the greater possibility of love and coordination. Also remember that if assertiveness causes a relationship to wane, it probably was not a healthy relationship to begin with. By choosing assertiveness, you are choosing healthiness, something that is not possible when you become excessively compliant.

In order to make assertiveness a more natural aspect of your relating style, it would be helpful to recognize four of its key components.

Assertiveness Component #1:
Open Recognition of Differentness

My home’s backyard is not what you would call a botanical garden, but we enjoy growing a wide variety of shrubs, herbs, and flowers. With the changing seasons, we determine what new plant life we will grow, and we enjoy the beauty of crepe myrtles, begonias, impatiens, hydrangeas, sedums, zinnias, tulips, lilies, Texas bluebells, mums, and many other plants. What makes us appreciate our garden so much is the incredible variety of colors and shapes of these different plants. Certainly we would be disappointed if every plant looked the same and grew at the same time. Variety is what we celebrate!

While it is easy to sing the praises of the variety found in nature, many people are not quite as enthusiastic about embracing the variety found in human personalities. On the surface, perhaps, people will say it is good to experience differing personal perspectives, but when perspectives become too different, many people will automatically turn to persuasion as they attempt to create conformity and sameness of mind.

This was a problem that Tommy encountered often. “You know, it seems that any time I indicate that I’m on a different wavelength from others, someone feels slighted by that, and then she sets out to whip me into the groove she wants me to be in.” He spoke with great exasperation in his voice. “Just last weekend I was about to leave the house to take my son out to a field to fly a remote-controlled model airplane we had built. This is a hobby I really enjoy, and it gives me and my son something to do together because he enjoys it every bit as much as I do. Before we left, I got a phone call from my mother, and when I told her what we were about to do, she instantly went into questioning mode. She asked why I had to spend so much money on something frivolous. And she said it didn’t make sense that my daughter couldn’t go along with us because she would enjoy that type of outing.”

“Sounds like it just took the zip right out of your Saturday,” I commented.

“Well, yeah, it did! Then I got to thinking that she’s talked that way to me my entire life. She can be very argumentative, and I take the bait way too easily. Any time I want to take a different path, I know I’ll have to endure her lectures or questions. It gets to the point that I didn’t want to expose anything unique about myself because I’d have to explain why it’s okay for me to be me.”

“Have you had similar experiences in other relationships as well?” I asked.

“Yes. It seems like there are a lot of people who don’t want me to be different. And what’s worse, I have a history of arguing and becoming crazy frustrated. Then I almost always cave in and go along because I can’t stand the tension.” I pointed out that by appeasing these people, he was only kicking the can of frustration down the road since it would predictably re-emerge at a later date.

Does this sound familiar? How has this sort of thing happened to you lately?

Commonly, people pleasers have been trained to think that it is not good to be too different, that it is their job to learn the expected norms and to conform. In the meantime, they suppress the aspects of their personality that are unique to them, often feeling shame or guilt for things that are not wrong or immoral or unethical. For instance, was it wrong for Tommy to fly model airplanes? According to his mother it was, but to Tommy it was not. In fact, it was great fun and provided an activity to bond with his son. And yet, his mother would never be convinced that she should cease giving him unsolicited advice, so Tommy was at a crossroads with her. Should he keep up the dishonest front with her, or should he stand firmly for his reasonable choices even if it meant the relationship with his mother would change? Given the deep history of strain with her (and other controllers like her), Tommy knew what was required . . . he just had to muster the strength to withstand the pushback that was sure to accompany his newfound assertiveness.

When you embrace the value of assertiveness, you can allow yourself to be unique, no apologies required. Tommy was different from his mother, and it was necessary for him to act upon his differentness with a full resolve that he was doing at that moment what he needed to do. He needed to be true to himself.

Think about the many ways you could establish assertiveness by holding firmly to your uniqueness. For instance:

While assertiveness is not the same as being stubborn or dogmatic, it is typified by the firm realization that your differentness is not an occasion to cower. You have feelings or needs or desires or preferences that others do not have, and that in itself is not grounds for rejection or judgment. If others choose to reject or judge you, permit yourself to be uniquely you. You are not the problem in that moment. To falsely alter your behavior would be an invitation to greater emotional duress.

I explained to Tommy, “I’m assuming that you’re ultimately not very good at being something that you’re not. In the short term, you can fool people into thinking that you concur with them, but as you falsely portray yourself just to conform, your bitterness or contentious communication will be an indicator that you’ve pushed yourself too far. By using assertiveness, you are letting your behavior reflect the higher notion that it is indeed okay to be unique. Your differentness is not bad. It’s just . . . well, different.”

What could be your response when others communicate that they do not like your differentness?

You may find that others may not know exactly what to do with your uniqueness, but as you show that your choices are accompanied by fair-mindedness and respect, perhaps they will figure it out. Openly celebrate the fact that you are not the same as everyone else.

Assertiveness Component #2:
Establishing Ownership of Your Mission

Once you embrace the validity of your uniqueness, you can take your thought life to a higher plane. No longer will you be required to conform to standards that do not fit your personality. Instead, you can anchor yourself in a mission designed specifically for yourself. This means you will take on priorities that are within your vision of what you believe you should be.

In chapter five you were encouraged to ponder your purpose or mission in life. This requires contemplation about the meaning of life, and your definition of success. However, it can also include contemplation about more minor matters such as how you will prioritize daily schedules, how you will conduct yourself in social surroundings, or how you will respond to interpersonal conflict. All these matters are part of your purpose, and no one can define those things for you except you.

People pleasers, however, will report that there are controllers who attempt to establish your mission for you, as if that is their prerogative.

Tommy, for instance, told me that he enjoyed his work, and it was his belief that he should pursue a career in a way that utilized his skills while also providing a means to support his family. This sounded good to me. But, he added, he had people at work who seemed intent on revising his personal mission. Though it was not stated, they implied through their demands for extra time that his personal life did not need to be given the high priority that Tommy felt it should have.

“When I’m at work late into the evening, taking care of someone else’s dilemma, I get the feeling that my life is being defined for me by someone else, and that just doesn’t seem right. Now more than ever I’m trying to find a good work/life balance, but it can leave me susceptible to people telling me how I should do it,” he explained.

“Not only is it not right for others to have the final word about who you are supposed to be,” I said, “but I doubt that those people made the effort to learn how their requests fit into your overarching philosophy of life.”

We both chuckled as we realized how absurdly true my statement was. Like so many other people pleasers, Tommy was realizing how controllers tend to be so focused on the immediate matter of the moment as they see it that they do not filter their demands though an understanding of anyone else’s life’s mission. His task, then, was to stay on his course of action even if it meant they would never really understand who he was.

As you practice assertiveness, you will need to stick to your vision of how your current circumstances fit into your overall definition of who you are. For example, if Tommy were asked to stay late for a meeting that would interfere with valuable family time, it would be good for him to excuse himself, explaining he had other things in his schedule needing his attention. On a lighter note, if his wife wanted him to do extra chores while he had planned on a couple hours of needed leisure, he could tell her that in order to be most effective he needed the downtime he had carved out for himself. Tommy could maintain peace of mind in these situations once he genuinely knew his decisions were based on reasonably considered ideas that fit into his overall mission to be a balanced man.

Try applying this same principle to the most common occurrences in your own life. How might it play out?

“You know, Les, when we sit here in your office discussing these things, it seems reasonable to hold firmly to my beliefs, even if that might take me onto a path where others don’t particularly want me to go. But when I try to follow through as these instances occur, it feels odd, like maybe I’m being disloyal or I’m cheating somebody.” His words were a reminder that change can sound like a good idea, yet it can stretch us beyond our comfort zone.

So I responded, “Remember, to live outside your life’s mission is irresponsible. Your gestures of assertiveness are an indication that you believe in being true to your purpose even if it means that you will have moments of disagreement or discomfort. Taking on this attitude, though, may indeed feel odd at first, but let’s assume that you can get used to it!”

Assertiveness Component #3:
The Need for Directness

People pleasers tend to have an uncanny knack for creating positive impressions in situations when they do not feel positively, and that is not good. How many times, for instance, have you been asked, “How’s everything going?” and you replied, “It’s going fine,” when in fact things really were not fine? Over and over I hear people confide how they really feel a great amount of hurt or anger or disgust, but they will not let those negative emotions be known.

In what circumstances do you find directness to be the most awkward?

There is nothing heroic about covering up unpleasant emotions. While you may assume you can give an impression that satisfies the person in front of you, that is a short-sighted way of living. Over the course of time, your real self will find a way to surface, no matter how hard you try to please by giving a false impression.

By committing to assertiveness, you are recognizing that open and direct communication is far more desirable (and ultimately successful) than coyness intended to deflect short-term discomfort. Direct communication adds a much-needed element of balance to your relationships, and it establishes you as trustworthy.

Annette, the energetic young woman who burned herself out trying to please her husband, had pushed herself to fit expectations as a new wife. The result was depression for her, while her husband had little regard for her feelings.

“Annette, I want you to live with your best traits leading the way in your relationships,” I told her. “For you to have the marriage you want, it would be best for you to shoot straight with your husband. For Shane to blend with you, he needs to know what you really feel and think.”

“I’m not sure that can be done,” she replied. “I’ve tried to tell him on numerous occasions how I feel, and he doesn’t seem to hear it. In fact, he can be pretty argumentative. That’s when I just give up and do whatever it takes to keep peace.”

“I’m all for peace,” I said, “so let’s not assume that the alternative is war. I suspect you spend too much time defending yourself when he dislikes what you say, and since you can’t out-debate him, you then back down from your convictions.”

“You’re exactly right. Sometimes I can’t get a word in edge-wise because Shane can be so forceful. When he pushes back against my words, I can become pretty argumentative and the results are never good. I know you want me to be more forthcoming in my actions, but I just hate the thought of igniting another battle.”

“When I suggest that you be direct, I’m not saying you should make him agree with you. You don’t have to become an in-your-face combatant. Say what you need to say, hold firmly to your boundaries, and when he tries to draw you into a senseless debate, let him know you’re going to remain firm but you’re not going to try to convince him to endorse what you are saying. By being direct, you can be what you are without having to retreat into a mode of rationalizing or even apologizing for what you choose to do. The more you speak persuasively, the more he takes it as an invitation to argue. Pleading your case is not as productive as simply saying what needs to be said and then living as you need to live. Period.”

“Boy, that would be different,” was Annette’s reply. “That would mean that I’d project a much stronger backbone than I have before.”

You’ve heard the instruction: “Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.” People who state convictions and then argue endlessly about the validity of those convictions convey self-doubt. Instead, direct people state their convictions, and when they sense others wish to persuade them to change their minds, they refuse to become drawn into a debate. They stand upon the decency of their truth, even if it means enduring some discomfort.

Consider some of the ways you might appropriately let your yes be yes and your no be no:

As I spoke with Annette about having more directness in her communications, she remarked, “You know, it makes good sense to do as you suggest, but I’m not sure I can do this very well in real life. I live with a pretty strong-willed man. He can be very insistent.”

We talked about how insistent communication is not the same as healthy directness. In fact, insistence tends to lead to circular arguments, which are the antithesis of directness.

“When you’re up against an argumentative person,” I explained, “you know your assertions are going to elicit a retort. Predictably the controller will want to assert his power in the hope that you will eventually collapse. He can seem direct in the moment, but actually his bullying behavior is a cover for his hidden insecurity. His forcefulness belies a hidden agenda.”

Then I added, “Direct people don’t have hidden agendas. They are simply attempting to communicate with no pretense.” We then discussed how her unwillingness to reciprocate in the point-counterpoint game was part of her directness. By not getting sidetracked with non-productive blame and justifications, she would indicate a healthy preference for simple openness.

How would your relationships improve if you chose to be direct and not circular in your exchanges?

Direct communications show others you believe in your own decision-making capabilities, and that you know you deserve respect. Excessive people pleasing can communicate the opposite. Even when being direct, you can be respectful toward others while also upholding your dignity.

Assertiveness Component #4:
Refraining from Unnecessary Defensiveness

Often people pleasers will make a good first attempt to be assertive only to realize that their reasoning is quickly invalidated. Immediately, then, these pleasers will lose their resolve and retreat into a defensive mode. At that point, the other party can smugly assume, “Well, I put you in your place by showing you who’s boss.” This illustrates that when controllers express themselves, it is commonly done with a competitive aim. They wish to win, which means by default that they want you to lose.

Let’s ponder a very basic question. Why do you suppose some people tend to turn discussions about differences into a win-lose proposition?

Most people pleasers complain, “I don’t want to talk with others if one of us has to be right while the other has to be wrong. Relationships aren’t that black and white.”

I applaud such insight, then I’ll respond, “When you’re invited to enter into a win-lose form of communication, you have the option of stepping aside. Just because the other person is offensive, you don’t have to assume the defensive position. That would mean you have engaged in a fruitless competition.”

As an example, Tommy told me about a discussion he’d had with his eleven-year-old daughter, Mary. “I told her last weekend that she couldn’t spend the night with a friend because we had too much to do the next day. She started whining, which made me feel like I had to explain my position more clearly. Before you know it, I was bargaining with her, offering her enticements so she’d go along with my restriction. Is that a case of the inmates running the asylum or what?”

“Why were you so quick to give in to her complaints? Sounds to me like you made a reasonable decision that she could learn to live with.”

“I don’t know, but I do that kind of thing constantly. I can be open about what I think is best, but as soon as someone second-guesses me or suggests that I’m wrong, I go into this mode where I try to show that I’m really a good guy, and not some mean jerk.”

“It sounds to me like you can’t let yourself believe you’re a good guy until you receive the full agreement of the person in front of you.”

Does this sound familiar? As you commit to clean assertiveness, you’ll realize that excessive defensiveness is unnecessary. A general rule of thumb could be: Explain your reasoning once; then if you are invited to defend what needs no defense, don’t.

When you act assertively, you are attempting to stand firmly for what you know is right or best while also being considerate toward the needs of the other person involved. However, there is a catch. There is no assurance that the other person will receive your assertion as valid. It is at this point that you have to make a quick determination:

Is that person’s invalidation of you a reflection of your incompetence?

Or is it perhaps a reflection of that person’s unwillingness to receive legitimate input?

Too often people pleasers will assume it is their own personality at fault rather than realizing that others may be imposing their own close-mindedness onto the interaction.

I try to explain to people like Tommy and Annette that they are doing no one any favors by jumping quickly into rationalizing or justifying. Rarely are these defenses met with agreement or appreciation. Instead, as the people pleaser goes deeper into defensiveness, she is virtually inviting others to think less of her. By not defending her position, she may not succeed in getting others to understand her reasoning, but she does succeed in the sense that she stands firmly on her own merits.

Tommy reflected carefully on that thought. He said, “You know, I’ve always assumed that my thinking is as sound as anyone else’s. Maybe I’m not right every time, but I’m reasonable in my logic and in my priorities. It makes no sense then that I will so quickly succumb to someone else’s opinions, particularly when I know that my convictions can be trusted.”

I liked what he was saying, so I reflected, “It seems to me that you would be better off if you say what needs to be said or do what needs to be done, then if others want to take shots at you, that’s their prerogative, but you’re under no obligation to justify your common sense.”

I asked him to make a list of common scenarios where he could speak convictions more freely, without defending his position. Here’s a sample of what he wrote:

“Can you stick to these positions that you wrote?” I asked him.

Smiling, Tommy said, “I’m going to have to if I’m planning on keeping my sanity. I’ve spent so much energy for years trying to plead my case to people who didn’t want to hear my perspective that it’s time for me to face reality. If I know my choices are reasonable, then it’s not necessary for me to rationalize them for others.”

Pausing for a moment, he then added, “It’ll be a new behavior, that’s for sure.”

What about you? In what common scenarios could you choose to be less defensive?

As you try to replace the habit of defensiveness with a new habit of calm assertiveness, it may indeed feel unnatural. Comfort need not be your primary concern. Doing what you know is healthy—that should be foremost on your mind. Assertiveness may never be something you enjoy, but make sure you are committed to being the best you need to be in your relations. That includes openness and appropriate honesty.

In the next chapter, we will examine how you can strengthen your resolve to be assertive as you determine how to respond to some common objections.