12

Traits of a Healthy Relationship

At times in my counseling practice, I am thrust into the role of a coach, teaching individuals how to successfully apply traits that will profit them in their relationships. For instance:

With an anxious person, I may coach calm, inner confidence.

With an angry person, I may coach a patient and accepting spirit.

With a depressed person, I may coach openness.

Part of the healing process is identifying healthy traits with the intention of making those traits integral to one’s lifestyle.

When I work with chronic people pleasers, I often feel like we are beginning a step or two ahead of the rest of the crowd. Most people pleasers have dedicated themselves to genuinely good traits and they are quite conscientious about projecting an image of kindness or concern. In the midst of all her difficulties with her mother, for instance, Jean told me that her childhood training consisted of special emphasis on having good manners. “Actually, I didn’t mind some of the teachings Mom gave me. She wanted me to have a reputation as the good kid, and that has its merits. For example, there would be times when she’d come up with the word for the day, like ‘patience,’ then she’d write it in bold letters, PATIENCE, and put it on the front of the refrigerator. We’d have to talk about what it meant, and most of the time, I thought it was a pretty cheesy exercise, but now I think it was probably a good idea. I’ve got to give her credit for trying to teach goodness.”

As an adult, Jean, like many people pleasers, did not need coaching regarding positive relationship traits. If anything, she was over-trained in the gentle qualities. Instead, she needed a more balanced understanding of how to use those healthy traits without succumbing to the demands of others. Being good does not require a person to become a doormat. To the contrary, there is nothing healthy about being pleasant while simultaneously engaging in unhealthy relationship patterns.

Remember Richard, the husband who had become vulnerable to the friendliness of a woman at work? His history featured the opposite of Jean’s. “I had a very strong guiding principle that I lived by,” he told me. “Don’t make Dad mad.” He explained how his father’s temper was a dominant force inside the home, so to keep from being blasted Richard learned to lay low and to never say or do anything controversial. Not only would he suppress his moods at home, but, as he explained, “I became an expert at reading others’ moods to determine what I had to do to stay in favor with them.”

As Jean did, Richard displayed positive traits on the outside, but his motives were less than pure.

The Ingredients
of a Healthy Relationship

When I work with people pleasers, I find it helpful to focus on four key personal ingredients that can keep them in their loving mode, yet, when properly balanced, can also prevent them from experiencing distresses associated with dysfunctional relating patterns. Those ingredients are respect, empathy, objectivity, and confidence. I teach them to realize how these traits contribute to relational success but do not require unnecessary acquiescence to people who might have less than pure motives.

I want to be sure they engage in these healthy ingredients for the right reasons. Whereas pleasers have a subtle manipulative intent in their behaviors, balanced people act properly because it is authentic.

To get an idea how you can integrate these traits into your relating style, let’s examine each one with the goal of applying them in a balanced fashion.

Healthy Ingredient #1:
Respect

Think of Robert, the dentist who wanted to please his patients and his staff to the extent that he felt underappreciated in his efforts. Sometimes, despite his kindness toward patients, he would still receive petty complaints, and sometimes when he made concessions to his staff’s needs, he felt like they didn’t reciprocate the same spirit. Often the net result was resentment. He’d wonder why he was trying so hard to be nice when others continued to overlook his needs.

“I try to be respectful to people across the board, but it doesn’t always turn out the way it should,” he explained. “I wonder if it makes people think they can take advantage of my good nature because they know I’m not the type of person who will fly off the handle when I am disappointed.”

Can you relate to Robert’s situation? Have you ever felt that you have truly attempted to show respect, only to find that someone stepped on you anyway?

Robert was definitely onto a good idea when he devoted himself to commit to a respectful manner, but he needed to be sure that goal was emanating from a proper foundation. To get an idea of how respect works, let’s consider what it is and what it is not.

Respect can be defined as a caring concern and an unconditional regard for others. Specifically, as you give respect:

You are openly acknowledging others’ basic worth.

You accept others even when they are “other.”

You are fair-minded in the midst of disagreements.

You treat others as you would prefer to be treated.

You communicate with others as one equal to another.

By being respectful, you choose to prioritize dignity toward others whether they’ve earned your kind attention or not. (Consider, for instance, a family member who has angered you. Though you may strongly dislike what was done, you can still choose to handle your transactions in a dignified manner, as opposed to stooping to a low, insulting, disrespectful level.)

Following are some behaviors that flow from an attitude of respect. This is what respect is:

As you commit yourself to the characteristic of respect, you demonstrate a commitment toward positive contributions in relationships. Your respectfulness demonstrates an understanding that people are motivated best when they know they are highly regarded.

Robert told me, “What you teach about respect is exactly what I believe. I know I need to do a better job of listening during disagreements, and sometimes my impatience with a job can cause me to be a little abrupt. But as a general rule, I think I do a fairly decent job of trying to treat people with dignity.” Then sighing, he said, “I tend to lose my motivation when I realize that my commitment toward respect is unreciprocated.”

He then gave me an illustration about how he had given his office manager, Melissa, great latitude in the way she handled business affairs, yet he had a growing feeling that she forgot who the boss really was.

“When I hired her, we spent a lot of time those first weeks going over my office procedures. I was very specific in spelling out goals regarding the ways employees would be handled, how patients would be treated, how insurance would be managed. As office manager, she had a lot to juggle, so I wanted her to feel like she had my full attention and support, and I also wanted to feel like we were on the same page. Once we established the broad parameters, I backed away and let her set her own style and pace. I didn’t want to be known as an intrusive boss.

“As time has passed,” Robert continued, “I have felt like Melissa has strayed from some of our early agreements. In particular, she can be aloof toward employees she doesn’t like, and she’s gaining a reputation for playing favorites. What’s worse, when I give her directives regarding a business matter, she seems easily offended. She’s got thin skin and seems to resent my having an opinion. Here I am, a boss who actively tries to treat my employees right and I get this kind of treatment in return. It makes me wonder if my good guy image is enabling her attitude.”

Chances are, you have felt similar frustrations in the roles you play, whether it is as an employee, parent, spouse, or friend. You know the emptiness of being respectful toward others without getting much in return. So what can you do?

First, it is necessary to recognize what respect is not:

Sometimes, people pleasers fall into a passive posture toward things that are not good, and that is when they become vulnerable to resentment, as in Robert’s case. Yes, respect can be given even in situations that are negatively charged, yet you can still take a stand for what you know is best or right. Taking it a step further, you are being respectful toward others as you stand firmly upon your principles of goodness and decency. Being assertive can be a way of showing a commitment to a better way for all.

For instance, after much thought, Robert decided he needed to have a meeting with his office manager, Melissa, for the purpose of redefining her role. He explained to me, “I told her that I appreciated her high commitment to excellence and that I believed she was doing a good job. Then I explained the importance of receiving input from all employees, including myself, regarding the various functions of running an office. I mentioned that it was important to me that she put as much initiative as possible into being an encourager, given the high-profile position that she maintained. I think I did a good job of holding my ground while also maintaining a positive regard for her throughout our meeting.”

Do you recognize what Robert did in this confrontation? He upheld the dignity of Melissa even as he addressed an uncomfortable situation. In the meantime, he also maintained respect for his own legitimate needs. (By the way, it is impossible to be respect others if you are not also respectful toward yourself.) He was recognizing that when he gave others the gift of respect, it did not mean he had to simultaneously show disregard toward himself, a common mistake among people pleasers.

How about you? In what ways could you show respect while also maintaining respect toward yourself?

As you continue to incorporate respect into your interactive patterns, you can still allow yourself to think and prioritize with firmness. It is not your job to make the other person feel that you agree with all that they think or do. Nonetheless, even as differences are addressed, civility and courtesy can remain in place.

Healthy Ingredient #2:
Empathy

When I counsel people with troubled relationships, a key ingredient almost always lacking is empathy. While good relationships are characterized by large doses of understanding and patience, the troubled ones are typified by a lack of listening and by an inability to factor in the perspectives of another person. Teamwork, then, is what I seek to introduce to those relationships, and empathy is the quality that makes it happen.

Empathy is defined as the ability to experience the emotions and perceptions of others to the extent that a powerful understanding of others’ perspectives occurs. At the moment you empathize, you are stepping away from your own point of view for the purpose of being more fully attuned to the thoughts and feelings of others. As we explored in an earlier chapter, humility can improve your relational style, and through humility you can acknowledge that just as you yearn to feel understood, so does the other person. You can give what you would hope to receive.

Just as individuals can become imbalanced in the giving of respect, people pleasers can struggle to find a proper middle ground with empathy. If anything, most are too inclined to discern the feelings of others to the detriment of their own feelings. Being easily sucked in by others’ emotions, however, does not necessarily make a person a good empathizer. True empathy is a positive addition to your relational skills, not a negative.

When might others view your understanding nature as an invitation to be insensitive?

Let’s go back to Eilene, the now-single woman who had capitulated for years under the burden of trying to please her controlling ex-husband, Walt. “I’ve always had a sixth sense for a person’s emotional state,” she said. “In fact, if anything, I think I was too empathetic. I would be so caught up in what others felt that I’d base my decisions on that.”

Was Eilene describing empathy? Not really. She was describing how her dependent state of mind kept her from moving forward with good relational skills. Just because she was highly affected by emotionally charged circumstances, we can’t say she was being empathetic.

Let’s take a look at some behaviors that might indicate a form of empathy has taken a wrong turn. For instance:

Empathetic people are ready to show how they can tune in to the other’s needs, but not at their own personal expense. To get an idea of how empathy can be a tremendous asset to your relating style, look over the following ways it could affect your relationships, then we’ll also note how these behaviors can be maintained with healthy boundaries:

Empathy is shown when you are able to read the thoughts and feelings of others and you can communicate that you are aware of what they are experiencing. Empathy does not mean that you necessarily agree with what the other person feels nor does it require a softness in you that becomes an invitation to be overwhelmed. It simply means that you have a discernment about the other person’s state of mind.

Let’s make this personal. In what ways can you be empathetic while also tending to your own needs of the moment?

I explained to Eilene that balanced empathy might have helped her deal with Walt’s frequent foul moods. For instance, if he was angry because she had spent money he didn’t want her to spend, she could discern his unspoken thoughts and feelings: “For his whole life he’s been worried that he wouldn’t have enough. Sometimes that uncertainty can create some real tension in him.” She could feel with him about his experiences, and it would help her determine more accurately how she would then respond. It didn’t necessarily mean, though, she had to comply with his demand in that moment. She could empathize without having to lose her common sense. (Usually when Walt griped, he was speaking in a shaming tone, hoping to manipulate her.)

Once I explained empathy to her, I then mentioned, “There is another trait that you will also need in order to keep your empathy balanced. That’s objectivity.” Let’s examine how this can be a necessary part of successful relating.

Healthy Ingredient #3:
Objectivity

If empathy allows you to discern the subjective experiences of others, objectivity keeps you from getting so emotionally pulled in that you lose your ability to manage your needs appropriately.

Objectivity happens when you are uninfluenced by emotions to the extent that you can maintain a mind-set of logic and fairness. While empathy helps you to maintain a keen sensitivity to others’ behind-the-scenes issues, objectivity keeps you focused nonetheless on the values you hold and the lifestyle goals that you know are best. Understand that objectivity and empathy are not opposites; rather, they provide balance to each other.

Keep in mind that Eilene had a responsible job, requiring her to think on her feet and make rational decisions on the fly. She was quite capable . . . which is why she’d feel flummoxed with herself: “Why do I have a hard time being decisive in my primary relationships?” Can you relate?

I said, “Having the knowledge and applying that same knowledge can be two entirely different matters. Factually, you can size up a situation quite nicely and you can determine the best path to take. But then the subjective side can take over as your good facts are sifted through a filter of anger, disillusionment, anxiety, futility, and the like. Your challenge is to trust enough in your ability to sift out the facts so you can override the emotional tugs when necessary.”

In what circumstances might you be inclined to let emotions override facts?

Suppose, for example, that you are asked by a friend to help on a matter that you have neither the expertise needed nor the time to pursue it.

You can be empathetic: “Wow! You have quite a challenge in front of you. I can imagine it’s going to be an uphill climb as you try to tackle it.”

You can also express objectivity: “I’m not the right person to assist you on this project. I’m not familiar enough with the subject, nor does my schedule allow it.” Balance is demonstrated as you are attuned to the emotions while sticking to the facts.

Taking it one step further, suppose the friend pushes the point and persists with the request anyway. You can still use both traits: “You really do feel a sense of urgency in this project,” followed by, “Nonetheless, I’m still not the person for this job.” Even as the other person’s emotions may change or intensify, the facts remain the same. Objective people step away from the irrational, subjective tugging and stick to logic.

Eilene remarked, “At work, I’m known for being able to break down situations with my staff quickly. On my employee reviews I always get good marks for my understanding of the big picture in our work settings.” Sighing, she added, “I wish I had the ability to think like that at home, but I can be so driven by the mood of the moment, I don’t let objectivity have its final say. I get suckered into all sorts of matters against my better judgment because I let my emotions rule.”

“Let’s not be too hasty in assuming you can’t think that way,” I replied. “Clearly the ability is in you; it’s a matter of anticipating when and how you can utilize the skill that already exists.”

I then explained that when her experiences of getting sucked into excessive people pleasing were sufficiently painful, she would develop the motivation to sustain objectivity.

“When you go into overdrive trying to please family members who can’t be pleased, it hurts. That’s the subjective experience. Remembering this, when you are in the presence of those who generate that hurt, you’ll need to coach yourself to stick to the facts and do what is needed as opposed to running with your feelings. That would mean objectivity overrules the pain created subjectively.”

“If pain is a motivator for better objectivity, then I should be ready,” she replied with a nervous chuckle. I agreed because I knew she had been through more pain than she needed.

People pleasers, being easily motivated by all sorts of emotions, find objectivity difficult for one major reason. While objectivity implies that one person can only go so far in helping others solve their problems, people pleasers feel badly if they see others struggling to find emotional balance. They assume it is their responsibility to take on others’ emotional baggage when, in fact, it is not. Their emotions want to rewrite hard facts. People pleasers can forget the hard truth that we are each limited in our capacity to influence others.

When you choose to hold firmly to objectivity, though, you will find your relating style positively affected. For instance:

Respect and empathy are a portion of your personality that is most satisfying and pleasing to others. When objectivity is added into the mix, you can be more consistent in keeping relationship boundaries even in the midst of your pleasant efforts.

Even if you are already both respectful and empathetic, how would objectivity help you become a more effective person?

Perhaps you’ll recognize that you could more accurately factor in the truth that you cannot be everyone else’s hero, nor can you mend every person’s distasteful emotions.

In Eilene’s case, for instance, she learned to recognize that Walt had a problem with a critical spirit. That was simply a fact. It was also a fact that he would continue in this mode regardless of her efforts to remake herself into his liking. Knowing this as objective truth, she could determine for herself how she would prefer to live when Walt or someone like him persisted in being critical. The facts indicated that placation would be a poor choice because it only fed the other person’s feeling of power. She began realizing that despite the critical person’s desire to control, she could still make the choices she deemed appropriate. It was up to her to weigh the facts, especially in the moments when her emotions tried to sway her to act in self-damaging ways.

Healthy Ingredient #4:
Confidence

None of the traits that are part of thriving relationships can be sustained long without a solid foundation of confidence. Rather than interacting with an undertow of self-doubt, you will need to proceed with the realization that you are capable, skilled, and you have the strength to live with those skills leading the way. Confidence, then, can be defined as faith in your own ability to handle circumstances with appropriateness and discernment.

Jean spoke with me about a problem common to many people pleasers. “In my private moments, I can analyze a problem and I have a feeling of security because I know that my reasoning is sound. But later, I can be around someone strong-willed, like my mother, and my inner strength seems to dissolve. I don’t know why my faith in myself can be so easily shaken.”

“Do you find that this trend plays out with other people beyond just your mother?” I asked.

“Yes. In the past, I used to be a buyer for a furniture store. It was a great business for me because it held my interest so well. But there were times when I’d buckle if someone came on real strong. It’s like I’ve been trained to set aside my good thinking if someone more powerful than I am comes along.” She explained how she could be prone to second-guessing herself. While initially she’d be able to stand rationally upon her good character and decision-making, she might harbor thoughts like:

When your confidence begins to waver, what thoughts do you find floating through your mind?

Jean may not have realized it, but her statement was right on target. She actually had been trained early to have less confidence in her own opinions than in others’. Her mother instilled in her an overly conscientious nature, prompting her to analyze her exchanges with others too critically. For instance, if she had a dust-up with a friend, the mother might have asked, “What did you do to upset your friend like that?” Or perhaps if she offered an opinion disagreeing with her mother, she might hear, “I don’t know why you have to be so stubborn.” Differences seemed threatening inside her home.

Jean’s confidence could have been boosted with regular encouragement to state her own ideas, even if it meant being mistaken. For instance, she needed someone to ask, “What do you think?” or “Let me get your input on this.” Likewise, when she had differing thoughts or interpretations, she needed comments like, “We’re on different wavelengths right now, so tell me why you feel this way.” Instead, she received a lot of advice she did not want and she was told how to feel and behave. Now as an adult, when her opinions were on the line, she did not possess the confidence to stick with her perspectives.

How can a person like Jean find confidence when it was not adequately trained in the early developmental years?

First, she needed to recognize that the lack of training did not mean she had a lack of capability. She had demonstrated that she had good common sense, so she could afford to be more firm in standing her ground.

Second, she needed to recognize that others’ lack of confidence in her decisions did not necessarily reflect badly on her. It could just as easily be interpreted to mean that the other persons had their own insecurities, or perhaps they were unnecessarily controlling.

I remarked to Jean, “As I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve realized that you’re not at all harsh in your beliefs nor are you the kind of person to be uncooperative as you learn about the needs or desires of others. You have a genuinely pleasant spirit.”

“Well, I hope that you’re not the only one who sees that,” she replied. “I feel like I try hard to be fair in my relationships. Maybe my mother doesn’t fully appreciate it, but I’m very loyal to her, and I really do consider her needs as I make the decisions I make.”

“That being the case,” I explained, “let me encourage you to become anchored in a major notion. You need to promote the belief that you have good things to offer. Not that you’re going to start acting puffed up, but you bring good perspectives to the table that your mother needs to hear. As you stand firmly on your own belief in yourself, it may cause her to rethink her willingness to take you more seriously.”

Confidence is based on the very real belief that your ideas or perspectives are legitimate. Do you believe that about yourself? As confidence becomes more foundational in your thinking, you will notice a very real effect on your behaviors. For instance:

My desire for people like Jean or Eilene or Robert is that they build upon the realization that conflict does not always indicate that they have erred and should therefore drop or modify their valid ideas. Knowing that you are being as fair and balanced as you can creates inner peace. People pleasing is often a futile attempt to be affirmed by those who won’t affirm, no matter what you do. Confidence allows you to be exactly what your circumstances need you to be, and pleasing others becomes secondary.

Suppose you are in the presence of a strong-willed person who debates and invalidates often and easily. In what way would you need to apply confidence, as opposed to merely collapsing?

As you ponder the adjustments that can bring your people pleasing behavior into balance, consider the benefits of a life of calm assertiveness versus unbalanced people pleasing, as seen in the sidebars on these last pages.

Are you up to the task? I have written this book with the intent of showing you that you need not filter your every decision through others’ grids. Yes, it is good to be keenly aware of others’ legitimate needs, just as it is good to consider how your decisions affect their quality of life.

Simultaneously, you will need to recognize that others have flaws and imperfections that they cannot amend if you constantly hide your truth from them and seek to appease them even as they live insensitively. Being firm in what you know is right or best may not feel comfortable at the moment, but long-term healthiness can become a higher priority to you than short-term discomfort.