Numb is normal
Grace
Dance practice.
Voice lessons.
Interviews.
Shove food into everyone’s faces, grab coffee.
Rinse.
Repeat.
My eyes had dark circles under them. The more I tried, the more Lucas pushed. The more Rae told me to try harder. The more Kai scowled. The more Sookie and Jay looked like they felt sorry for me, like they wanted to help me but had no time to even begin to.
“Grace?” Solia tapped her pen against my arm. “Did you hear what I said?”
“No. Sorry.” I tried not to yawn. How was she dressed in this chic black dress and high heels when I had trouble putting on a T-shirt the right way today?
She sighed. “Pay attention. The MV drops days before the actual comeback stage, and they’ll be doing a reaction video of the MV with another celebrity before that as a teaser. You need to go pick him up, all right? The guys are already there since it’s the same location as their last interview. The other idol had some issues with his manager. Long story short, he’s going to be leaving his agency—breathe a word of this, and you’re fired—”
I held up my hands in surrender.
“So, we offered to pick him up since the contract ends in another day, and it’s ridiculous for him to have to drive himself.”
“All right.” I stood on shaky legs. I hadn’t really eaten all day and was learning how to survive off caffeine and protein bars. “So, is it close?”
“He’s actually just finished shooting a drama, so you can pick him up on set. He knows the van, just wait at the address I gave you and bring him straight here.”
“Got it.” I nodded and literally had to keep my yawn in again.
“Good.” She was all business, with her low ponytail and perfect stained lips. How did she even do that? I asked once, and she said, “lip stain,” as if that was an answer. “Head off, and remember the guys have the day after tomorrow off before things get even busier and more intense.”
How? How could they possibly get any busier?
My mom had FaceTimed me a dozen times, but I couldn’t face her or my dad. I felt so stupid and like such a failure.
“Well?” Solia frowned. “Are you going?”
“Oh yes, sorry…” I looked back at the interview SWT was doing. It was a podcast with Dive Studios; it made me smile. The guys seemed relaxed, which was nice, I guessed. They’d just started the interview, and Rae was talking. He seemed genuinely happy like all of this was worth it. His eyes met mine briefly; he nodded, and I felt like he’d just given me a trophy.
I waved back, and then I was gone before he could reject me or before Lucas could flip me off—not that he ever had, but his scowls sure felt like a giant middle finger.
The drive to the shooting site was really fast; he was only a few minutes away, whoever he was. Oh, crap. I parked and looked down at my phone. “Dae-Jung.”
Hmmm. I was about ready to enter his name into Google when the van door opened, and a tall, gorgeous man got in.
I don’t remember if my jaw dropped or if I just stared for an uncomfortable amount of time, but I do know that I might have let out a squeak. Point is, I started that van so fast even Lucas would be impressed with my skills.
Assuming it was him, please God let it be him; I smiled and then started driving back toward the studio.
He said something in Korean making me want to whimper, so I just gave him a head shake and said the only thing I’d learned since being there five days, which was, “Yeonger?” Which meant English?
“Oh, sorry,” he said fluently. “I wasn’t aware SWT had an English-only intern.”
I tensed. “Yeah well, I look the part; I just can’t speak It.”
“Neither could I two years ago.”
I almost slammed on the brakes but managed to refrain. “What?”
He smiled in the rearview. He had two dimples that were both sexy and adorable, wavy brown hair with honey highlights and light eyes. “I moved here seven years ago with my parents, left LA, and knew absolutely no Korean other than the simple words and obviously honorifics.”
“Ha! Obviously,” I wanted to say, but I was still struggling with the fact that Korea had like seven different levels of language.
I mean, I was aware English made zero sense and was hard, but Korean felt even more complicated.
“How did you learn so fast?” I asked, turning the corner.
“Oh, I didn’t. It was hard. I was fine as long as someone told me what to say.” He shrugged his shoulders, and I had to wonder if that shirt felt lucky to be on his lean yet built body? “You’ll figure it out. What was your name again?”
“Grace,” I answered. “Grace Lee, I’m from Seattle.”
“I have cousins there.” He grinned. “Then again, I have cousins everywhere. Canada, LA, Seoul, Seattle…” His smile was infectious. “Don’t sweat it too much.”
“Thanks.” I relaxed for the first time in days. “And we’re here, yay no traffic accidents.”
“Thanks for saying that after the van was stopped.” He chuckled.
I joined in laughing. “Sorry. I swear I would never endanger your life.”
“Maybe my life needs more endangering, Grace.” He winked. “You ready?”
“Oh, I can just stay in the van and…” What? Stare at the steering wheel?
“Nonsense.” He opened the van door then just stood outside it, waiting for me.
I turned off the engine. “O-okay.” I put the keys in my pocket, grabbed my heavy bag, the one with an iPad, my notes, my phone—basically my life if I was to survive SWT—and locked the doors.
“Want me to carry that?” He motioned to my bag.
“No!” I held it tighter. “Sorry, I just don’t want to appear…” I gulped. “Weak, or… I don’t even know at this point, just unable to do my job. It seems everything I do is wrong.”
“That’s normal.” We walked up the cement steps toward the huge four-story shiny building. “Respect and pride in your work is really important. Like I said, you’ll figure it out, Grace.”
I smiled warmly. “Thank you…” Panic set in. Wait, how did I address him?
He must have seen my brain shut down; he laughed. “You can just call me, Hyung.”
“Brother?”
“Why not?” He was clearly teasing me. That sort of address was literally only used for addressing an older brother, well, that and Oppa.
As if reading my mind, he grinned and added, “Oppa works too.”
“Somehow, I don’t think that’s going to slide with the members.”
“Exactly why you should do it.” He winked. “They need to relax a little, plus I want to see their faces.” He laughed a bit. “Damn, if that’s all it takes to get you to blush.”
Pretty sure Lucas would shit a brick. I cleared my throat. “Fine… Oppa.”
My cheeks were on fire. The only reason I was even tempted was because I knew the guys would be annoyed, ugh maybe Rae was right, I was horrible at my job if this was my three-month plan, calling an attractive guy Oppa just to see one of the guys scowl in my direction.
His eyes lit up a bit like he was amused. “Lead the way, Grace.”
We fell into comfortable conversation the entire walk down the hall to the studio. He made a comment about my amazing driving skills, which forced me to tell him I almost killed everyone on day three.
We were still laughing when we walked into the studio.
And I wasn’t just met with a murderous look from Lucas but from Rae as well.
“Don’t worry about it,” Dae-Jung, or Oppa, said under his breath. It felt weird calling him anything but his name, but it was easy to remember. “They’re just… young.”
“And you’re old?”
“Older than you.” He laughed. “Now wish me luck, I have to go deal with all my juniors, and they look ready to kill me.”
“That’s normal.” I laughed.
He joined in, and then he was getting his makeup re-touched before he sat in between Lucas and Rae, addressing the camera and the laptop to watch the music video.
I was about to leave when Dae-Jung spoke up. “Grace, you should stay. I bet the guys would love your reaction too.”
Just kidding; he was dead, so dead.
The guys all stared at me like I was an alien. “No, no, that’s okay, I think—”
“I think you should watch after I do.” He motioned to the camera crew, and then suddenly, I was getting shoved into a chair, a brush pulled over my messy hair, and something sweet-smelling shoved across my face.
Just how much power did this actor guy have?
I hadn’t googled him, and now I was regretting it because it seemed like he said jump, and everyone else was ready to sacrifice everything just to make him happy.
I didn’t get to see his reaction to the MV at all because I was in hair and makeup.
And then I was getting shoved toward SWT—who half hated me, half tolerated me, and that was the math; that was it.
I was mortified when Dae-Jung shoved me into his chair and leaned down to whisper, “Just be honest.”
“Always am.” I shivered at his nearness and could have sworn I heard a growl from Rae, or was it Lucas?
Either way, it was weird, the entire situation.
He went over to the shooting director and said a few things. They both nodded as he looked at me. “You ready?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “But do I have a choice?”
“Nope.” He winked.
I was starting to hate those winks.
Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I finally nodded my chin once and tried to force relaxation.
“You’re a true Westerner watching your first MV,” Dae-Jung added. “It’s a real reaction. Those are important. Even SWT would agree with that. K-pop is exploding in the States. Why not have a college graduate who probably listens to Drake, Post Malone, and the Kid Laroi on a daily basis give her honest opinion.”
Rat bastard. How did he know those were my favorite artists?
“Yeah, okay.” I tucked my hair behind my ear.
The producer or director—some person asked a question after they started rolling. “Grace, can you tell us where you’re from?”
I gulped. “Seattle, Washington.”
“Beautiful,” he said. “Are you a fan of K-pop?”
Oh shit. I forced a smile. “Just recently. It’s very impressive and catchy. The guys work really hard…”
“Great, so today you’re going to react to their newest video with them surrounding you… sound good?”
“Sounds like a lot of pressure.” I laughed awkwardly. “But I’ll try my best.”
“Good!” He sounded way too excited for this. “Press play when you’re ready.”
I wrung my hands in my lap, then lifted my right hand and clicked play on the laptop. The MV opened up to the guys all staring up at the ceiling; it quickly turned into a dark night sky. They were in similar costumes as the last shoot, looking sexy as hell, and I found myself gasping way more than I should as I watched.
Honestly, I was enthralled, completely engrossed to the point I’d forgotten they were filming, and when Lucas started rapping with Jay then bit his neck, I wanted to fan myself then ask for a replay.
The dancing was perfection.
The song was smooth, yet I didn’t even know how to describe how catchy it was. I found myself smiling despite my nerves as I commented. “This is so good!”
The guys slowly relaxed.
I paused it again. “No seriously, this is going to kill it worldwide!”
I pressed play again and gasped when Sookie fell from a building only to have Kai catch him in his arms.
Rae stood tall amongst them in the middle, and then the dancing started again as they changed into all red costumes, their makeup dark like they were rising up from Hell, which should have been dark but instead was again sexy and intense. Soon they were back on the ground again in the forest. There were no English subtitles, but it didn’t matter.
The song ended too soon.
And I was clapping.
Like the idiots on the plane when the pilots actually do their job.
I quickly dropped my hands in my lap. “I loved it.”
Both director and producer smiled at me while Dae-Jung approached and said, “Well done. You’re a natural on camera.”
“Ha! Thank you for lying to me.”
“I mean it.” His gaze lingered.
Rae cleared his throat. “We have to go. Thanks for agreeing to this.”
I wasn’t sure if he was speaking English for my benefit, but at the same time, Rae spoke, freaking Lucas was grabbing my wrist and pulling me to my feet and away from Dae-Jung like he was about ready to kidnap me.
I tried pulling away.
His grip was tight. I glanced over my shoulder. “Thanks, Oppa!”
“Any time.” He laughed. “Any time.”
Lucas jerked me into the next room then pinned me against the wall. His chest was heavy against mine as his brown eyes held me captive. He’d clearly had contacts in the first day he glared at me. He didn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t need to.
His stance was protective, and I had no idea why.
Like he was guarding me from someone or something.
I frowned. “Did I do something—”
He pressed a finger to my lips but then jerked back, pulled completely away, and then did a small circle. He kicked the wall opposite just as Rae appeared. He looked between us, then reached for my elbow and pulled me away from Lucas.
“What the hell were you thinking?”
Tears formed. “I was thinking don’t piss off the famous dude I just picked up since he seemed to be important.”
“Important,” Rae repeated with irritation. His eyes flashed. “He’s not… Just…” He clearly struggled. “Stay away.”
“When was I ever close?”
“Just— ” He sighed, then cursed. “Be careful, okay? You can’t just trust everyone that’s nice to you.”
“Then maybe”—I jerked away from him—“you guys should be nicer.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Life rarely is,” I shot back. “If we’re done here, I need to get the van ready to take you guys home.”
He let me go, his eyes roaming over my body. “It’s not like a K-drama.”
“Pardon?”
“All the guys here. It’s not all gentle kisses, being afraid to hold hands, and cute laughter. Just be careful. You’re a foreigner.”
I wanted to answer, “Exactly! I’m disgusting.” But insecurity was so unattractive, and I didn’t want him to be silent like yuuuup. So I just sighed. “Rae, what do you want?”
He gulped and looked down, then back up. “Honestly?”
“Yes, honestly.”
His swallow was slow; his throat moved like he had a lump in it. “I want SWT to succeed. I want Lucas to stop moping. I want Jay to finally admit who he is to the world. I want Sookie to experience life outside of this chaos. I want Kai to stop blaming Lucas for something that wasn’t his fault. I think I want too much.”
Heart breaking, I reached for his hand. He let me. I squeezed it. “You’re under a lot of pressure. I want to help, but I don’t know how. I know I’m a mess, and I’m trying to keep it together, but you’re carrying too much, and it’s not fair. I just want you to know that you can tell me. I may not have the answer, but I’ll find it, or I’ll find a way to find it. Just… use me, I’m the intern. We’re good at things other than grabbing coffee and driving vans.”
He leaned in, face unreadable. “You’re horrible at both.”
I laughed. “See if I give you any compliments or help ever again.”
“You literally almost killed us.”
“I was scared!”
“I was scared,” he said louder.
I glanced between us, noting that we were still holding hands, and I quickly disconnected.
He stared down at his fingers as though he wasn’t sure what had just happened, then took a step back and cleared his throat. “I’ll try, I promise.”
“Me too,” I promised. “Then again, I have been. I just suck at it.”
He rocked back on his heels. “Why don’t we just chalk it up to culture shock?”
“Still shook,” I grumbled.
“I’m sorry,” he confessed. “For not giving you a chance, for being hard on you.”
I shrugged. “I deserved it.” I looked around the empty hall. “Should we get everyone home so Sookie can eat more chicken?”
“Poor Sookie.”
“Poor me, I have to eat it too.” I hugged my stomach. “One day, I’m ordering you pizza, and you’ll all be sworn to secrecy.”
He barked out a laugh. “Please do.”
We rounded the corner. Lucas was leaning against the wall like he was waiting for us. As we passed, he said something in a low voice to Rae, and from his tone, it sounded really cruel.
Immediately, Rae put distance between us.
Things were tense, back to the way they were a day ago when I drove everyone back to the dorms.
Even during dinner things felt awkward.
I did the dishes just to stay away from the tension, which was something I would never do at my own house even. They were done soon, the guys’ curfew was approaching, and it was eerily quiet.
Exhausted, I made my way to the living room. Rae was in sweats and had a notebook in hand. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to sit down, so I walked by him. When I made it to my door, he spoke. “You can stay if you want.”
I didn’t look over my shoulder. “Are you writing music?”
“Trying.” He sounded so tired.
I turned. “Want help?”
“You write music?”
I could only shrug.
His interest must have been piqued; he tilted his blond head then patted the seat next to him.
I made my way over, sat a bit farther away from him, and hugged one of the throw pillows. “Is it for this album?”
“No, that’s done.” He still sounded frustrated. “Because of the scandal, we were going to release a special edition song, but Lucas refuses to work on it… for obvious reasons.”
“Was it really hard on him?”
“Was?” He looked up, locking eyes with me. “It’s going to be hard on him his entire life. Nobody will forget this. It doesn’t matter if we chart on Billboard, if we have a billion views on our MV, people like to hate you when you’re on top, and Lucas, well, he’s one of the best. It was only too easy for people to turn on him, almost like they were waiting for a reason to hate him.”
I was quiet for a minute, thinking about the differences in the music industry back in the States vs here. “Does it ever die down? Do people ever forget?”
He locked eyes with me. “I want to say yes, but from what I’ve seen… people don’t want to forget.” The emotions whirling in his eyes broke my heart even as he broke our gaze and stared down at his guitar.
How many hours had he spent chasing this dream? How many hours had he spent trying to fight for it? Keep it?
Ignoring the tightness in my chest, I crossed my legs and hugged the pillow. “What do you have so far? Can you share?”
He tapped his pen against his notepad. “I have a bunch of words and no melody, so I’m not doing so great right now. What’s the word? I’m screwed?”
“Or fucked, there’s that too,” I offered without thinking and immediately squeezed my eyes shut. “Please ignore I just said that.”
Silence ensued, and then laughter, a lot of laughter.
I opened up one eye, then the second.
He shook with uproarious mirth, his pen dropped on the pad. “Sorry, it’s just refreshing sometimes when people have no censor.”
I exhaled roughly. “Tell that to my dad. He’d probably be grounding me even though I’m of legal drinking age.”
“That’s family.” His shrug said it all. “Do you want to hear the lyrics?”
“Yup.” I felt dumb over how excited I got but couldn’t help it as he cleared his throat and started to speak.
“You can’t laugh,” he said.
“Wait, is that the first line?” I giggled.
His head shot up with a glare.
“Kidding!” I held up my hands. “Okay, keep going.”
He nervously cleared his throat again. “Why do you keep me waiting, always waiting in the shadows. He’s in the light, always shining bright, while I sit sullen and weary, waiting for the fight. It happens every day, you’re with him all night, yet I can’t stop this feeling that something ain’t right.”
Enthralled, it took me several seconds to realize when he stopped.
“That was…” I couldn’t form words. “Really, really good so far. Why are you stuck?”
His cheeks pinkened a bit, making me curious. “I…” He grabbed the pen and started to scratch his back with it before looking away. “I don’t have that sort of experience. My entire life has been about debuting, so to be that obsessed over a girl, it’s not really something I can comprehend.”
“Ah…” I nodded. “Makes sense, so basically, you have no experience with girls whatsoever and feel lame coming up with lyrics you can’t even believe?”
He barked out a laugh, “Well, I mean, I’ve had, like… experience.”
I wanted to search out more about that answer but didn’t. Not my place.
“But not relationship experience, everything has been—” He groaned. “Why am I even telling you this?”
I hugged the pillow. “I’m easy to talk to?”
“You work for us.”
“True, but I’m also an intern, which means I’m supposed to be here for you in every capacity. I think you’re just in your head too much. Imagine loving someone so much that you can’t stand to see them with someone else that it kills a part of your soul. You just need to dig deep to come up with the rest. I mean, have you ever been jealous?”
He didn’t move for at least ten seconds, and then he almost scooted away from me as though I was the source of his irritation, just like Lucas. “No,” he finally said. “I mean, I’ve felt jealous, I guess, but it wasn’t real.”
“How so?” I asked.
“It just wasn’t… real.” He gulped. “Anyway, I’ll work on this tonight. Thanks, that was good advice.”
Am I being dismissed?
I yawned so I didn’t look dumb, then got up and put the pillow back. “Good talk, Rae. I hope you find your muse.”
“I think I did,” he whispered.
“What?” I frowned.
“Nothing.” His smile wasn’t forced. If anything, it was sad. “Sleep well, Grace.”
“You too, Rae.”
I had woken up wanting to murder. And now I was going to bed with a smile on my face, all because Rae was kind.
And you know, I didn’t accidentally kill anyone.
It was a win.
A total win.