And I thought it was going so well… so wrong
Grace
I woke up to chaos.
The schedule had changed.
Lucas had a sore throat.
Rae was attempting to calm Sookie down after the choreography was changed last minute on one of their next releases that wasn’t even coming out yet. Suddenly, all the happy moments we’d had the day before fell flat on their asses.
My mom called again, asking if I was okay.
Followed by my dad asking the same.
But I couldn’t even attempt to call them back until later that afternoon when we were all back at the apartment for voice lessons.
Lucas was in another mood, throwing things around the apartment and subjecting everyone to his angry glaring because another article was published about him somehow being a flirt in middle school, which apparently meant he was a manwhore now and just kissing random strangers.
The air was extremely tense.
I had exactly ten minutes if I wanted time to chat with my parents and wasn’t sure I could handle the anxiety.
I decided the only way to help was to do something nice and make tea for everyone. Tea calmed people down, right?
Everyone seemed to have their own shit going down, so I went into the kitchen, quickly made tea then was careful to set it all up on a tray that I could put on the table for them to come choose from.
Proud of myself, I went into the dining room and set the tray down. “Hey Rae,” I called him over. “I know everyone’s kind of stressed, so I made tea. Hope that’s okay? Nobody has a tea allergy, right?”
His smile was so sad I wanted to hug him. “No.” His face fell. “Nobody’s allergic to tea. It’s just that nobody likes it.”
“What!” I reached for the tray.
He put his hand over mine. “I was kidding.”
“This is me laughing,” I deadpanned.
At least he smiled at that. Then he spoke in rapid Korean. He must have said something like, “Hey guys, tea!” Because everyone came over and grabbed a cup.
Kai took a sip, and as if surprised, gave me a thumbs-up, sauntering off, man bun and all. Ugh, it wasn’t even fair to be that good-looking in real life. Where had they found these guys? Mars?
I’d learned in my short week and a half that I needed to have a thick skin, so I forced a smile toward each guy and an easy one in Sookie’s direction as he winked at me.
God, that kid was amazing.
Jay approached next; he lifted the cup then quickly set it back down, his eyes sad like he was remembering something like I’d done something to make him go from happy to forlorn.
“Does he not like—”
“Jay,” Rae interrupted. “Get some air.”
Jay nodded, and then he was gone, out of the apartment, into the elevator.
I tugged on Rae’s shirt. “Is that a good idea?”
“He won’t jump.”
“How do you know?”
“Because…” Rae cursed under his breath. “Trust me on this; he just has a lot on his mind lately.”
“The Showcase?” I asked.
Rae didn’t make eye contact. “Yeah, the Showcase, of course.”
Lucas interrupted what I might have hoped would be a normal conversation about how I could help Jay. He lifted the cup, sniffed it, made a face, and put it back down. Of course he did.
I was surprised he even touched it.
Rae said something in Korean again, his tone scolding.
Lucas sighed, then looked over at me and took one giant sip, only to keep it in his mouth as he made his way into the kitchen and then spat it into the sink like it was going to kill him.
My jaw dropped as he slowly dumped the contents down the drain then wiped his mouth the back of his hand as though disgusted with it.
I lunged toward him. Rae grabbed my arm and tugged me back. “Don’t. He’s having a hard time.”
“That doesn’t mean he gets to be like that!” I jerked away from Rae’s grasp and charged toward Lucas, who seemed to want confrontation.
I smacked him against the chest, realizing in hindsight the minute I did it that I would probably be fired for touching him. “What’s your problem?”
He leaned down, so close I could almost taste his mouth, then slid his hand into my front pocket and pulled out my phone, showing me the screen.
With shaking fingers, I typed in my passcode.
He quickly found the app and spoke into it.
It translated to. “Because you don’t belong here. Because you’re not one of us. Go back to the States. We don’t need you.” The app paused then added the last lethal part. “I don’t need you.”
His jaw was tight as he set my phone on the counter and shoved past me. Rae was at my side in an instant. I don’t know what he could say to make it better though; after all, Lucas was just being honest, right?
I was messing everything up.
Adding to everyone’s stress.
And it wasn’t getting better. No matter how many times I memorized their profiles, no matter how many times I made them tea or took them from point A to point B and made sure they were on time for their schedule, somehow it would always still be wrong.
“Grace…” Rae’s face had fallen as he reached out for me.
“No.” I pulled away quickly. “No, he’s right. I’m going to go call my parents. Can you guard the door for me?”
“Sure, whatever you need.” His eyes locked with mine. I hated the pity I saw there. The way he was regarding me was the exact same way he looked at Lucas as if I needed to be put in a glass case and watched to make sure nobody hurt me even though I was already hurting.
I forced a smile I wasn’t feeling and left the room, charging toward my bedroom and shutting the door behind me with a soft click.
I leaned against it and caught my breath before calmly going to my small desk and opening my laptop.
It would be early in the morning at my house, but I knew that both my parents would be up. They were early risers after all and were expecting my call.
I dialed home.
My mom’s face appeared after two rings. “Grace!” She yelled it so loud that had I been holding the phone against my ear, I would have had to pull it away so my brain didn’t explode. “How’s the end of your first week treating you? Are you happy? Do you love Seoul? How’s your uncle? Do you see him a lot?”
“Give her time to answer.” Dad chuckled as his face appeared next to my mom on screen. “Hey, sweetheart.”
“Hi.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I, um, it’s… good.”
Dad frowned. “Good?”
“Yeah, great, I mean, great.”
“Grace.” My dad’s voice held a warning tone. “Your words don’t match the sad look on your face. What’s wrong?”
What was I supposed to say?
They’re mean?
One of them hates me and is on suicide watch?
This comeback may destroy them before they even get that far?
I sighed. “It’s different here.” I finally went with. “The pressure…”
Dad nodded knowingly. “It’s definitely not Hollywood.”
I snorted out a laugh. “No, in Hollywood I’d be doing drug searches on top of suicide watch.”
Mom gasped. “They’re on drugs?”
“No!” I almost yelled. “No, no, God no. That would be… No, I don’t think that’s something I would ever need to worry about here. Getting caught with weed or something in Seattle is actually legal. Here I feel like it would probably not only be all over the news, but your career would crash and burn.”
“Oh, good.” Mom sighed, then frowned. “You would never, though, even though it’s legal.”
Oh, Mom. I held in my laugh. “No Mom, never, don’t do drugs and all that.” I winked and then allowed a chuckle to slip through.
Dad laughed with me.
My mom, while adorable, was so innocent at times it made me want to protect her even though she was the parent.
“Make good choices and all that,” she almost sang.
“Totally.” I nodded.
Dad’s gaze locked onto mine before he rubbed my mom’s back a bit, then asked, “Hey, do you know where I left my coffee?”
“Oh yeah!” She got up. “Let me go grab it.”
“You’re the best.” He kissed her cheek, and off she went to hunt down what Dad and I both knew would take at least a moment or two so he could talk to me without having her worry.
Once she was gone, he turned the computer toward him. “Be serious. This has nothing to do with drugs. What is this really about, Grace?”
Tears burned the back of my eyes. “I didn’t fit in until college, at least not the way my friends did, and I thought… I thought—” My voice caught. “I thought for sure that once I was in Korea, I’d fit in here. I’d look the part. I’d find all those pieces that seemed to be missing growing up. But instead, I feel just like I felt at home. I mean, I look the part, but I know none of the rules. I’m just this giant disappointment.”
“No.” Dad’s voice was low, gravelly. “And that’s my fault, not yours. Grace, you can’t expect to be there for two weeks and suddenly fit in, just like anyone from Seoul couldn’t expect to come to Seattle for the first time and fit in. Everything is different. You’re still on a learning curve; give yourself some time and grace, just like your name.”
“Worst name for someone as clumsy as me,” I muttered.
“I disagree.” He crossed his arms, his black suit and blue tie hugging his chest. He would go to work soon, saving the city one criminal at a time, and then come home to a perfect meal prepared by my perfect mother only to repeat the process again. “Do you know why we named you Grace?”
“Because it’s a pretty name?” I said helplessly.
He laughed. “No, because it’s only by the grace of God that we were able to finally have you. We never knew if your mom would even be able to carry you full term. Instead, not only did we have you, but you came into this world screaming your head off. You were a fighter; you still are. I think somewhere along the way you’ve forgotten that, so let me remind you who you are. It doesn’t matter that you’re Korean American. That your mom has blond hair, and your dad has darker skin. It doesn’t matter because all hearts are the same, Grace and yours has a huge capacity for love. You’re a fighter. So what if you feel out of place? Most people do, even when they don’t admit it. We’re all trying to find our place in this world. Remember who you are. My daughter. That’s your place, and that’s all that matters.”
I swiped the hot tears from my cheeks just as my mom returned with a coffee mug and stared at the screen in horror. “Did Dad scold you?”
“No.” I laughed. “No, he didn’t scold me. Actually yes, Mom, he made fun of my hair. Send more money so I can get it done?”
Mom gasped and pinched Dad’s arm.
Dad became flustered, started swatting at her hands, only to pull her in for a kiss.
Special moment gone.
I made a face. “You have a room for that.”
“Say goodbye, Grace.” Dad kissed Mom again.
“Noooooooo.” I made a gagging sound. “Go, go, before you scar me for life. And… thanks, Dad, love you guys!”
“Love you!” Mom’s cheeks were flushed as she turned to me and blew me a kiss.
Dad waved me off.
Typical.
We had a moment followed by him forcing me to leave so he could kiss my mom.
I laughed after I shut my computer.
I wanted a relationship like that.
One that almost always would make whatever kids I had want to run away screaming even as it showed them what love really was.
I suddenly saw Lucas’s face in my head and almost dropped my laptop onto the floor. “No!” I shook my head vehemently. “Never, nope, nope, nope, not possible.”
I was still shaking my head long after I returned to the living room. Most of the guys had dispersed for either voice lessons or recording. When I poked my head into the spare room where three of the guys were taking lessons and then into the studio attached to the living room where another was recording, Jay was still nowhere to be found.
Great. Just great. The one time I’m gone, and I have a missing SWT member.
I didn’t want to worry Rae, so I quietly left the apartment and took the stairs to the roof.
At least it wasn’t Lucas up there.
I still felt like running, though. What the heck could Jay be doing on the roof still?
The guy was a mystery to me.
Sure, he was nice enough. He just seemed to keep to himself despite his playful attitude and easy smiles. Something had been bothering him the last few days, and since I was a relative stranger, it felt dumb to ask him to confide in me, besides handing over a cell phone for him to speak into felt extremely impersonal.
Lately, I just chalked it up to the pressure of the comeback.
When I reached the top of the stairs, I shoved the white metal door open and began my Jay hunt.
He was standing by one of the alcoves on the other side of the roof, and there was someone with him.
Another guy.
One I didn’t recognize.
Wait a second!
What!
I did recognize him.
It was Dae-Jung.
What the…
He lifted his hand and touched Jay’s forehead like he was brushing something out of the way. Jay pulled back.
Dae-Jung looked disappointed.
What the hell? They were both speaking in English! Except Jay had a slight Australian accent… son of a bitch! Did they all speak English? I narrowed my gaze.
Why did it feel like I was watching a TV show right now, and the main character was getting rejected?
Did I announce myself?
Ask if they needed anything?
Or just awkwardly sit there and wait for Dae-Jung to leave, then swoop in and make sure Jay was okay, despite the fact that I wanted to shake him for not telling me… then again, I didn’t ask; so maybe that was on me?
He put his hand on Jay’s shoulder pulling him close.
“Not now.” Jay shoved him away again and faced the city, hands on hips. Dae-Jung did the same.
They stood awkwardly like they were at an impasse, and then Dae-Jung straight up just went for it, grabbing Jay’s hand and holding it tight.
Were they—?
No.
Well—?
No.
“Eavesdropping your new thing?” Rae’s murmur sounded from behind me.
I jumped a foot, and my heart nearly stopped as I shoved him into the corner so they couldn’t see us. “What are you doing?”
“What are you doing?” He repeated the question. “Spying?”
“No! Yes.” I scowled. “I was concerned, okay? Jay was missing, and my job is to keep everyone safe, you could have told me he was bilingual, you know.”
“Yeah, he’s not in danger, or at least his body isn’t in danger. I don’t know about his heart.” Rae ran both hands through his long blond hair. “And you could have asked, you know.”
Damn him for being right. I quickly changed the subject.
“Is he…?” I licked my lips. “I mean, are they…?”
Rae’s dark eyebrows arched. “Are they what?”
I gulped. “Together?”
“Together? No.” Rae peeked around the corner. “It’s too much of a risk for both of them…”
“So Jay’s…” I nodded slowly.
Rae’s amused laugh made me feel dumb. “I think you should ask Jay that, but I know exactly what he’ll tell you.”
“And what’s that?”
Jay’s voice sounded from the left, scaring me shitless. “That sexuality is so much more than an are you or aren’t you?” His accent was so damn cute that it completely deflated my anger. “I like girls too, you know…” His eyes roamed over me slowly. I honestly hadn’t heard him speak a lot so had no clue he was Australian until now or that he understood every single word I said.
Awesome.
“Sorry, you’re not my type,” I finally joked after recovering from his cuteness.
Jay laughed. “I’m heartbroken.”
“Yeah, clearly.” I smirked.
Dae-Jung appeared behind him.
“Make sure he gets out of the apartment for me without being seen?”
Jay was asking me for this.
I couldn’t fail.
“I’ve got you,” I said quickly. “I’ll get him out.”
“Thank you.” He seemed relieved. “Not even sure how this little shit got in.”
Dae-Jung rolled his eyes. “I played a secret agent once in a drama…”
Jay moaned in annoyance. “Not this again.”
“Well, I did!” He winked. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Wait until after the Showcase.” This from Rae. “Things are… intense right now.”
Dae-Jung’s face fell. “Fine, I’ll just flirt with your new intern in the meantime until Lucas and your faces explode.”
Rae’s nostrils flared.
Even Jay looked pissed while Dae-Jung just looked proud of himself for provoking them again.
What was with this guy?
“C’mon.” I nodded toward the stairway. “Let’s get you out of here, Mr. Secret Agent.”
“Kind of has a ring to it.” He smiled, shoving his hands into his black trousers and shooting one last look at Jay. “Remember what I said.”
“Trying not to,” Jay fired back.
It was the first time I saw Dae-Jung’s confidence falter as he looked away and followed me silently off the roof and down the stairs.
I decided we’d take the elevator down to the basement then I could walk him from the first parking level around the back.
Nobody would be suspicious if he was with me anyway, and if they were, well then, I’d officially have my first scandal in Korea after pulling him in for a hug or something, anything so they didn’t suspect the guys.
“So…” I awkwardly rocked back on my heels as the elevator descended.
Dae-Jung was standing in the corner, arms crossed, his perfectly chiseled face frowning like he was trying to solve world hunger.
“How’s your day?” I may as well have asked about the weather. I inwardly groaned as he turned toward me with a mocking grin.
“Great. Perfect. Jay’s being an asshole as per usual, and now I’m getting babysat by the girl who doesn’t wear slippers.”
I gasped. “He told you!”
“Grace, it’s not hard, just take off your fucking shoes.”
I was going to murder Jay. “I forget, okay?”
“Try not to.” Dae-Jung smirked. “It’s gross. I mean, think about it, you’re walking around a large city for hours, going to practice where the guys sweat for hours.” He cleared his throat and looked away. “And then you’re going back to the apartment and taking all that dirt and grime right with you.” He made a face then shuddered. “Do you sit on your bed with your shoes on?”
“No,” I said defensively, because, well yeah, I’ve totally been guilty of that.
He scrunched up his nose. “Wear the slippers.”
The elevator came to a stop at the first parking garage level. “What else did Jay tell you?”
“That Lucas is still having a hard time, that he hates you, that Rae’s one step away from having an ulcer and getting sent to the hospital, and Sookie wants to murder chickens, but not because he wants to eat them, he just hates them that much.”
I snorted out a laugh. “Poor Sookie, I could see the headlines now: Maknae of SWT, Chicken Murderer.”
“Hey, you’re learning.” He laughed and followed me out of the elevator. “The pressure’s unreal for them right now.”
“So that’s what you are then? That’s the role you play? Jay’s confidant?” I was searching for information that I knew Dae-Jung probably wouldn’t give me.
He shrugged his broad shoulders, his expression unreadable as his light eyes seemed to shutter. “What are you really asking?”
“Are you…?” I made an awkward motion with my hands.
He mimicked me. “I really don’t know what this is? Is this some weird new American handshake?”
“No.” I laughed awkwardly and looked around the parking garage, then led him down the back. “I mean, are you guys… together?”
He sighed, shoving his hands into his pants. “No, we aren’t together.”
“Do you, like, want to be?”
“I don’t know. Do you, like, maybe want to send me a note, then I can circle yes or no during recess?” He fired right back at me.
“Fair.” I laughed as I caught up to his long strides. “I can see why you’d like him.”
Dae-Jung sighed. “He likes girls.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.” He shrugged. “It’s not like that between us.”
“But you wish it was?” I pushed a bit more.
“It’s different here,” was all he finally said as we rounded the corner and made it out onto the street. “You have to be a bit more careful…” And then he shot me a gorgeous smile. “They have the day off tomorrow, right?”
I nodded.
“Do something that relaxes them—promise?”
I almost slumped. “So don’t be myself and attempt to think of something that’s not going to stress everyone out?”
He laughed. “Maybe get them out of the city?”
“Sure, and I’ll just find the cure for cancer while I’m at it. You do realize they’re watched twenty-four seven? And in a few days, they start shooting their own reality show leading up to the Showcase. I think it’s called—”
“SWT Goes SWEET,” he finished with a laugh. “Watching it might help you get to know them faster.”
“With what free time?” I asked.
“Yeahhhhh…” He shrugged. “You’ll figure it out. Take care, Grace…”
“Bye, Oppa.” It still felt funny saying it, but he smiled warmly at me as though he liked it, so I just let it go and watched him walk down the side street into the alley and disappear. Huh, he must have parked somewhere else.
Get them out.
Get them out.
I repeated what he said the entire way back to the apartment.
What could I do?
Well, one thing I wasn’t going to do was mess it up. I just needed a plan. I quickly got on my phone and started searching for private areas outside of Seoul and smiled when I found the perfect spot.