Even if it kills me…
Grace
It was the guys’ day off.
And I had a plan.
Was it a good one?
Ummmm, jury was still out, but it was all I had.
I made sure I had all the food and drinks packed and quickly discovered that getting everything delivered was the easiest way to not only keep it from the guys but to make sure I didn’t poison them. They already didn’t trust my driving; the last thing I needed was to make them doubt my cooking on top of that.
I told everyone to meet me in the living room at noon, and by their cheerful (not!) expressions, I could see it was already a giant pain-in-the-ass chore.
They were all wearing sweats and at least looking well-rested.
“What’s up, Grace?” Rae asked. See, even the nice one looked annoyed! Damn it, Dae-Jung! If I hadn’t promised, I’d be cowering in my room.
My dad said I came into this world screaming. So, whatever, I decided I was going to grow a pair and order them around.
Hah, easier said than done, as Lucas stared me down, his lips pressed into a firm line, his gorgeous red hair messy and perfect at the same time.
Look away, Grace, look away!
Did he just bathe in sexy every day?
It made zero sense that he had such an effect on me when he was such a bully!
“All right.” I nervously tugged at my long braid. “So, I have a plan for you guys today. It may be kind of lame, and we’ll only be gone for an hour or two, but I thought it would at least alleviate some of the stress.” I left out the part that I planned for longer than a few hours if they actually enjoyed themselves.
I was all smiles.
They were all frowns.
Well, here went nothing. “I rented a Jeep!”
Annnnd cue crickets.
I dropped my hands. “Okay, so actually because there’s six of us, we’re going to have to shove Sookie between two of you, but this is… clearly not what you guys… Shit,” I grumbled. “Just bear with me, okay? I promise it’s going to be fun, I already packed food and drinks, and it will be good to get you guys out. I even got permission from Assistant Solia, you know, after begging her for nearly an hour and promising her she could sell my organs if anything happens to you.” My face dropped. “I think she was serious.”
“A Jeep,” Rae repeated. “Is the top off?”
“Yes!” I wanted to do a dance. “That’s the fun part!”
The guys all looked at one another like they didn’t know how to actually respond.
“It’s not too hot!” I said quickly. “I looked.”
“But,” Rae said in a soft voice, “the sun is still out.”
“Huh?”
“Hats,” he announced to nobody in particular. “Sunscreen, make sure you guys are wearing long sleeve shirts.”
“But then they’ll be—”
Rae shot me a glare. Okay, message received.
When the other guys looked as confused as I felt, Rae said something in rapid-fire Korean.
I was still confused a half-hour later when we were all piled into the Jeep, and I was pulling us out of the parking garage and down the street. It should have felt like a triumph; instead, it felt like I was forcing my kids to go to school.
Literally.
Every single one of the guys wore sunglasses as well as a hat that shaded their faces and long-sleeved shirts.
I was sweating just looking at them.
“I don’t get it,” I said once we’d been on the road for at least thirty minutes. “Why is everyone dressed like it’s winter?”
Rae shook his head. “You wouldn’t get it.”
“Excuse me?”
“Take a look around—a good solid look—haven’t you ever seen all of the stores promoting ways to make your skin whiter? I’m not trying to be an ass, but it’s a thing here. I had a friend who couldn’t even debut last year because his label said his skin was too dark. They even have the opposite of tanning beds—beds to make you white.”
Stunned, I had a hard time even processing what he was saying. I frowned. “Well, yeah, I’ve seen some of the commercials and stuff, but…” I switched lanes. “I’m sorry it just seems bizarre, and I know that’s my ignorance speaking but, your skin isn’t dark, and even if it was… who the hell cares?
He shrugged. “It’s part of the job, Grace.”
I kept driving, gripping the steering wheel, my mind reeling. I mean, seriously? That seemed so… I didn’t even have a word for it, but I wasn’t sure it was even appropriate for me to react, so I just asked, “Do fans really care that much?”
“Do they care that much?” He countered. “That we’re constantly paranoid fans are going to complain because we aren’t attractive enough? Or that it will affect the image of the band? Image is everything… fucking everything. Lighter skin will always be better when you’re an idol.”
“Okay.” I gulped and tried to reign in all the reactions I had. I mean, really? “I’m sorry I rented the Jeep. I wasn’t thinking about—”
Feeling dumb, I wanted to disappear but also fight on their behalf over the unfairness and pressure. “It was a good idea. It’s fine. I was just trying to explain our reaction, that’s all.”
“Thanks,” I said a few minutes later. “For taking time to explain.”
His smile was slow as it spread across his face, almost like he was finally able to relax, able to be free. “Of course.”
The drive wasn’t too long, but since the top was down it was hard to hear anyone other than Rae. Poor Sookie was smashed between Kai and Jay shoving Lucas into the opposite door meaning every once in a while I’d look into my rearview mirror and see a scowl. Yay. He was literally plotting my death. I felt it in my soul. But hey, at least they fit. Was it slightly illegal since we only had five seatbelts? Probably. Did I care at this point? No.
The guys were on their phones the entire drive to Naksan Beach. I’d wanted to take them somewhere they could relax and even packed a tent so they could have privacy, though supposedly the beach was never that busy. Then again, I could be totally off base once we get there, but in all my research, it seemed like a relaxing place to go where they wouldn’t be bothered if we just parked, grabbed our food and drinks, and ran to the beach to set up camp. On top of all my paranoia, since Solia knew and I had to get her permission because duh intern over here, she said she’d have a security team follow us just in case, and after a few looks in the rearview mirror, I could see two cars at the very least making sure they were staying back but close enough just in case something happened. Thank God for favors like that. I knew security almost never intervened unless they were needed, but it was good that they were there just in case.
I attempted to get something that wouldn’t give Sookie nightmares but still stayed within the grounds of what they were allowed to eat. It was harder than I thought, picking out all the different foods and drinks and I’d been suddenly thankful that I wasn’t cooking and unknowingly poisoning the guys on a daily basis.
To make things more comfortable, I even thought to bring blankets and pillows in case they wanted to stay the night.
I had my own tent so that propriety wouldn’t be an issue whatsoever.
Plus, I’d checked and double-checked the schedule; they didn’t have anything until ten a.m. tomorrow. As long as we were back by eight, so they could get ready for the day they had with choreography, interviews, and another photo shoot—all would be well.
Somehow, I’d gotten unlucky enough to have Lucas make sudden eye contact from the back seat. His dark Ray-Ban sunglasses didn’t even block out the scowl I could feel in his eyes as I pulled into a parking spot and killed the engine with a gulp. “So, I figured you guys could relax. I brought some balls—” Shit, just kill me right now. I was ready to hand over the keys to Lucas and lay down in the middle of the street. What? I brought them balls? Like they’re twelve? Okay, honey, go play with your ball in the sand now! I may as well say I brought along shovels and buckets.
Hey, maybe they could bury me alive!
Fingers crossed!
I didn’t mean to let out an embarrassed groan before saying as fast as possible. “I have snacks, drinks—wasn’t sure if you guys liked beer, water, and they had seltzer… Gonna stop talking now.” I sighed. “Anyway, I even have three tents if you want to set them up, and when I was researching, it looked like it’s not really busy, and you guys can—”
“Grace,” Rae interrupted. “You can stop talking now.”
“Okay, sorry, yup, I’ll stop.” It was physically painful to keep my mouth shut as the guys slowly piled out of the Jeep. At least they weren’t so mean that they didn’t help carry all the gear to the beach.
As promised online, there were a few families scattered around, and that was about it.
I smiled and grabbed the cooler along with one of the tents.
Success.
I took one step into the sand and tripped, face planting onto the sand as a flip flop went flying into the air, hitting me in the ass.
Lucas, of course, just had to be the one standing in front of me; he looked over his shoulder, smiled, and just kept on walking.
Surprisingly, it was Kai who helped me to my feet and dusted me off a bit; his hand was heavy as he moved it through my hair, getting sand out.
With a laugh, he grabbed the cooler and kept walking.
“Smooth,” Jay said from behind me. “Maybe take your slides off before you go on the sand.”
“Noted,” I grumbled.
He picked up the tent, leaving me without anything to carry except my flip-flops.
I took a deep breath and followed the guys to their spot on the beach. They started setting up the tent close to the surf but not so close that we’d drown in our sleep.
It was beautiful, with crystal blue water and white sand that I was still somehow crunching on in my mouth and finding in my hair.
Great, it was going to take days to get all that sand out.
Talking to myself, I started setting up the other tent, then spread out a towel outside of it and sat while the guys moved around. A few of them started playing catch, and for the first time in hours, I exhaled a long breath and just watched the waves.
I wasn’t sure how long we would stay.
But afternoon slowly turned into evening.
The guys ate—poor Sookie found a bag of chips and literally looked ready to inhale them—I had been careful to get veggie ones, but it was still against the rules.
I figured he’d played hard enough in the sand, so Solia wouldn’t kill me, and he was smiling, so it was worth it.
I took a swig of my diet coke.
For the most part, the guys had left me alone, most of them playing games, going into the water, napping in the tent.
I hoped it was relaxing.
I was just getting ready to ask them if they wanted to go back when Rae and Sookie went into the guys’ tent and crashed. I could hear their snoring from where I sat in front of mine.
Jay soon followed into his tent, leaving Lucas staring out at the ocean waves and Kai.
Kai turned around and walked toward me, then sat about a foot away, not looking at me but staring at Lucas like he was concerned.
“You think he’s going to be okay?” I asked, even though I knew he wouldn’t answer.
Actually, his answer was a sigh.
“Yeah, felt that,” I agreed. “It must suck always being in the public eye.”
He held out his hand.
What? Did he want a high five?
His grin was both playful and sexy as he pointed to my phone.
“Oh, sorry.” I unlocked it and handed it over.
He spoke fast into the language app.
“He needed to relax,” came the translation.
“Yes,” I said, nodding.
He was quiet then spoke again. The robotic voice came out funny, but I think I got what he was saying. “Sad and confused,” the voice said. “He feels a lot and needs music to get it out.”
I felt he meant that Lucas was an empath and needed his music as much as the world needed him.
I choked back tears.
Because even though he was an ass, he was a talented ass, and the world truly did need him and his music.
“I’ll watch him,” I said into the app.
Kai visibly relaxed and looked over to me as if to say, I’m exhausted but are you sure?
I nodded my head. “Sleep,” I said simply.
He handed me back my phone. Then, with a smirk, he put his hand on my head and messed up my hair a bit, making my heart feel warm as he sauntered off toward the other tent.
I glanced at my phone and frowned. He hadn’t translated sleep, in fact, wait… Huh, that was weird. Maybe my app was being dumb, but what he’d said was only in English, not in Korean… like he’d forgotten to press it and had typed in the English response himself.
No, that would be way too much work.
I shrugged it off and set our alarm, then went to the cooler and grabbed a Red Bull. If Lucas was still up, it could potentially be a really long night.
Lucas stood right where the water met the sand.
He stood there a really long time, staring.
When I finally finished my Red Bull, I got up and made my way over to him, careful not to scare him. I tried to walk loud as per usual, but it was sand, and honestly, I didn’t want to trip in front of him again—there was just something about the way he stared at me; his presence alone made me nervous and excited at the same time, which was insane.
So basically, he was driving me to drink.
“Hey.” I could have chosen any other thing to say, but my brain cells had been killed off by caffeine, so that was what I went with. “It’s a nice night.”
I hadn’t brought my phone with me.
He didn’t move, just kept staring at the ocean, his face impassive as he sucked his lower lip in concentration.
“I know you can’t understand me,” I began. “But I’m sure some of what I’m saying will get through that thick skull of yours, especially after looking at some of the videos. You clearly understand more than you’ve let on.”
He didn’t move.
“Anyway, I just want to say it’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel that way now. I know you’re stressed, and you’re nervous, and you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders—but rather than let it push you down, why not use it?”
He jerked his head in my direction, his eyes unreadable.
“Use it,” I said again. “Use whatever darkness you’re feeling, write a song, sing, yell, scream, just use it, so even if it’s bad, it doesn’t go to waste. That’s what a good artist does. They use what would destroy a normal person, and they make it into something beautiful, something worth listening to, something that touches people on a spiritual level.” I shrugged. “Anyway, I just wanted to say… that.”
I started to walk away then felt a hand on my wrist as Lucas held me there. It was just the two of us; his chest heaved a bit as he stared down at my wrist, where his fingers held me captive.
He looked up at me, his eyes didn’t leave mine for a few seconds, and then I was getting tugged to the ground next to him.
He released my wrist.
And there we sat.
I started to nod off a few times but told myself to keep my eyes open because his life depended on it.
I didn’t remember going back to my tent.
But when I opened my eyes the next morning, I was in it, with blankets covering me and my phone next to my head.
“Lucas!” Panicked, I half-walked, half-crawled to my tent flap, and opened it up to see all the guys around a fire, drinking energy drinks and laughing.
“You have sand,” Rae said without looking up, “all over you.”
I made a face.
“Saw that.”
“Dad of the group, my ass…” I grumbled.
“We gotta go.”
“Yeah.” I yawned. “On it.”
I looked back at my tent. Who had put me in there?
When I glanced back at the guys, Lucas’s scowl was back.
Did he?
No.
I sleepwalked.
It was the only explanation.
Right?
The thought haunted me the entire way back to the city, paranoid I was going to get fired since the biggest K-pop group was not only unsupervised the entire time their intern slept but that someone had somehow gotten a picture of all of us camping out, despite the fact that I’d fought to get them out and relaxed for the first time in days. I decided that saying something about us staying out longer than a few hours would get me fired. When all of their smiles were apparent as we drove back—when they chatted and looked more relaxed than ever, I knew it was the right call, even if I had to suffer for it or get reprimanded. Besides, we wouldn’t be late. Not if I could help it.