“The beginning of our end…”
Lucas
“Fuck, she’s heavy,” I grumbled as we made our way down the stairs toward the van. “Why do I have to carry her?”
“Careful, you’re speaking English—she might hear you.” Jay laughed.
The guy needed to be shoved off a cliff. I wasn’t in the mood.
How much did she weigh?
How much did she drink?
“Trust me.” I heaved her up on my back more since she’d been sliding down. At this point, I was ready to let her roll the rest of the way. “She can’t hear shit.”
“He cusses more with her around,” Jay said to himself, earning a laugh from Kai, who gave me an intrigued look like he wanted to ask but knew I’d probably lie about it anyway.
She was annoying.
Loud.
And while I’d been born in Seoul, I lived in the States until my freshman year of high school, before moving permanently back to Seoul and becoming a trainee… I found that I liked quieter girls, cute girls, girls who didn’t have attitude—or were at least afraid to show it right away.
Damn, she had zero filter, zero respect—she didn’t even take her shoes off!
I shuddered.
“Want me to take a turn?” Rae was already reaching for her.
“No.” Her body jerked down my back again. And here I thought I was in good shape. Clearly not when I put some crazy American on my back who couldn’t hold her alcohol. She was complete dead weight.
“No way!” Her head popped up briefly. I stopped walking, heart hammering against my chest. She’d heard me speaking English.
The ruse was up.
Really, I just didn’t want to waste any words with her, and I found her being flustered extremely entertaining. I’d needed that after the scandal… after things went dark.
“I can understand Korean!” she announced proudly from her position on my back. “You hear that, world? It’s a soju miracle!” And then she was out again, her head lolling against my shoulder.
“Is she snoring?” Jay asked.
“She’s so loud,” I complained again. “Is this our punishment from management?”
Sookie switched to Korean. “She’s cute.”
“Of course, she’s cute,” I said back. “Like the puppy you buy at the store but return when it won’t stop whining.”
He shrugged. “Well, I think she’s nice.”
“She’s something.” Kai joined in. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone pass out so fast from drinking soju.”
“Well, Rae did tell her she had to finish every shot,” Jay pointed out.
Rae didn’t even look guilty. “She knows nothing about her own culture. It was an educational moment.”
She groaned.
“Yeah, great job, Rae. You could have killed her.”
“She’s fine,” he said, wincing when she suddenly jerked away from me and looked at all of us, then collapsed against my back again. “See? She’s even breathing normally.”
“Well, in that case,” I muttered.
“Stop complaining,” Rae said. “We’re already here.”
“True,” I said in English.
“Knew it,” she moaned from my back, then wrapped her arms around my neck so tight it was hard to breathe. “See, you’re speaking Korean, and I understands you…”
I shot a death glare at Rae.
He choked out a laugh then pried her from my body. I helped him put her in the van while the rest of the guys piled in.
The drive consisted of her snoring.
The guys asking if they could draw on her face.
Rae telling us to be mature.
And then me encouraging a stop at the store so we could grab a Sharpie so it would be a permanent reminder of her inability to drink alcohol.
Rae hadn’t drunk much, which I’d known he wouldn’t. He never really did; he was the careful one, solid, the person who could be relied on for everything. Sometimes it looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
I guess, in a way, he did.
He carried SWT and our fandom SWEET on his shoulders. Pleasing them was everything, not letting them down, making sure our next comeback was even better than the first two.
The pressure was already starting to build in my chest when I thought about the angry fans, the stage, the accusations—we had less than two weeks.
Sookie was still struggling with the dance for Move.
My mood flashed to the dark place it had been in over the past few weeks. Why even fight so hard when everyone in the world was just waiting for you to fail? What was the point?
I hated it when this happened, when the clouds covered the sun, when my body felt heavy, when I just wanted to sleep and forget about all the comments. Was it so wrong to just want to sing? To rap? To entertain?
It wasn’t enough.
It would never be enough.
And people would always take from you even when you had nothing left to give.
I’d even lost a role in an upcoming K-Drama because of the scandal; they didn’t want my name attached to the series, not that I could blame them.
Why the hell had Byung-Ho taken it that far? I knew he was angry, resentful even, but I never imagined he’d try to hurt my career just because he felt like his was done.
“Hey.” Rae pulled into a parking spot and turned to me with a concerned look. “You good?”
We were back to speaking in Korean; it was just easier for both of us despite our different backgrounds. Honestly, sometimes it felt like I really was losing my ability to speak English since Korean was my default now, so it wasn’t a huge stretch.
I nodded.
He put a hand on my shoulder. “You can talk to me.”
“I know.” No, I couldn’t. He was already dealing with enough stress. And for some reason, talking to him made it more real—I wanted to deal with it on my own, I just wished I knew how to do that—between practices, stress, and sending money to a family who wouldn’t stop calling and complaining that their celebrity son had forgotten about them.
I wanted to throw something.
“Really,” I whispered, voice cracking. “I’m good.” I opened the door before he saw the tears of strain behind my eyes. The guys were already helping Grace from the van.
She was completely out.
I smiled, then realized I was smiling and quickly turned it into a scowl. She wasn’t cute. The guys were just… stressed. Yeah, that’s what it was.
And she was entertaining. That was the word, not cute, entertaining.
“Not it,” Jay said before I could.
Sookie shook his head as if to say, sorry touching girls still terrifies me, which was partially true; he probably wouldn’t even know where to put his hands and would drop her on her head. He’d just turned eighteen, having debuted with us when he was fifteen.
Rae shared a look with me as if to say either you do it or I do, and for some reason, the thought of him touching her made me want to punch a wall—exhaustion did weird things to my emotions.
“Fine.” I scooped her up in my arms and carried her toward the elevator. It was late, and the security team wouldn’t have let anyone but us down there at this hour anyway unless they got approval from management, not that we really had issues with the parking garage.
“Can someone please hit the button?” I heaved her into my arms, causing her head to fall against my chest. With a moan, she wrapped her arms around me and cuddled closer.
I told myself that my reaction was complete and total irritation, the way my heart raced, the way my body tensed.
All stress related.
We piled into the elevator.
Kai pressed a finger to her chin, then pinched it. “Wow.”
“Are we sure she’s alive?” Sookie asked, looking ready to check her pulse; it would be adorable if I wasn’t so annoyed at how heavy she was.
“She should diet with you,” I said, then earned a glare from Rae. I glared back. “What? She’s heavy!”
“You should lift more,” Jay said with a smirk.
“Lift her every day, and you’d be—” Kai started and got shoved by Rae. “—sorry.”
He sighed. “She’s only heavy because you carried her down two hundred stairs.”
I ignored him and looked down at her face. She had high cheekbones, but her cheeks were still puffy, no, not puffy, just fuller. Her face was heart-shaped, just like her full, bow-shaped lips. She wasn’t wearing a lot of makeup, but she didn’t really need to; she had great skin, not that I was staring at her pores or anything—because that would be weird.
Her hair was very obviously dyed blond, and I wondered if she just liked the color or if there was another reason. Idols changed their hair color all the time. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t realize that we’d already reached our floor. I nearly hit her head against the door, attempting to get into our apartment.
“Where do I put her?” I asked. Nobody answered fast enough, so I dumped her onto the couch and took a deep breath as she somehow woke up and announced. “Did you hear that, everyone? I understand Korean now!”
“Yes. We heard.” Rae said in English. “I think the whole apartment complex heard.”
She fell into a fit of giggles, then fell back asleep, throwing a hand over her head and tucking her body into the couch.
“Well,” I wiped my hands on my jeans. “I need to shower after that workout.”
“Don’t forget,” Rae said to everyone in the room, me included. “We have rehearsal really early tomorrow, and then we have the Idol School variety show.”
Sookie was the first to complain. “Last time they asked me if I’d ever kissed a girl then made me sing one of our love songs to the camera.”
I snickered behind my hand. “It was good.”
He threw a pillow from the couch in my direction. “Every time we go on any show, they bring it up now!”
“As they should.” I laughed harder; it felt good. Poor Sookie had been so red that even I felt bad for him, and I typically don’t waste my feelings on others.
“Curfew.” Rae really did sound like a dad, but I didn’t mind. I was absolutely exhausted, and the last thing I needed was to be the guy who helped Grace while she puked her guts everywhere in the living room.
On second thought, I begrudgingly went into my room, grabbed a trash bin, and brought it to her near the couch.
The guys had all left the living room.
Leaving me alone with her.
Her arms were wrapped around her body like she was cold.
I looked heavenward and cursed. This meant nothing. Nothing at all. I even added a stomp for good measure as I went into my room, grabbed one of my blankets, and semi tossed it over her body.
I was halfway back to my room when I heard Grace whisper, “Thank you.”
“Anieyo.”
I was back to being as standoffish as possible, back to speaking only Korean in front of her, so she didn’t ask questions, so she didn’t get close.
The line was once again drawn in the sand.
It needed to be.
But later, when I was trying to sleep, I found myself wondering if she was okay, which pissed me off even more. Throwing my blankets over my head, I forced my eyes closed.
I roomed with Jay, who was completely out for the night on his side of the room.
He wouldn’t notice if I just took a peek.
Annoyed with myself, I got up and cracked the door but couldn’t see her face. I looked back to make sure Jay really was sleeping, then walked into the living room. I was wearing loose shorts and a white T-shirt. Hardly naked, but I still felt exposed.
She was turned away from me, breathing softly.
The blanket had fallen off her though.
I reached for it, yanked my hand back, and scolded myself, then reached again and pulled it up to her chin.
The minute I was getting ready to pull away, her hands snuck out and grabbed onto mine like a vise
This wasn’t good.
Stunned, I just stupidly stood there while she held my hands tight, like we were something more than friends when we weren’t even that.
I would take it to my grave, but it was the first time someone had touched me since I could remember.
I wasn’t comfortable with affection. The guys always gave me shit about it, but I didn’t like it—it made me remember. And it made me resent everyone else who had a family that hugged, a family that cared, a mom that fussed over how much I was eating, not how much money I was making.
Grace’s eyes were still closed.
She was probably dreaming about her family—maybe even a boyfriend. The thought sent a jolt of jealousy through me so hard and fast that I jerked away from her.
Rae’s door opened, and he poked his head out. “What are you doing?” Of course he was still up. He was always up. Always working. Always worrying.
“Nothing,” I said like a guilty teen. “Just grabbing some water.”
His eyes went from me to Grace and back again. “Get some sleep.”
Shit, it really did feel like my dad just caught me, only worse because Rae saw everything.
“I will.” I strutted over to the kitchen and grabbed one water, then told myself this would be the last time I’d think about her—grabbed another and dropped it on the table next to the couch on my way back to my room.
I didn’t look over my shoulder, even though I wanted to.
And I didn’t check on her again.
It wasn’t my place.
And she wasn’t mine to begin with.
Plus, she was the last girl in the world I would go for.
Dead. Last.