Looking in the mirror for the ghost of us
Grace
By all appearances, Lucas was fine. The world was shitting rainbows as he sat next to the rest of his bandmates in the living room. They’d turned on the Goblin show again, and I didn’t feel like pretending everything was okay when I knew it was all an act.
Had it all been an act?
The way Lucas treated me?
The kissing?
The obsessive feelings?
Was that his way to get me to not see him?
The more I thought about it, the sicker I got. Because I had so easily fallen for all of it, for his teasing attitude, for the possessiveness, for the way he deflected everything that had to do with him and the group.
Was that why he hated it when I listened to him play the piano? Was the pain too raw? Too real?
I grabbed my laptop and sat on the counter with it, pointing it away from the guys, and typed in my search bar: suicide rates in Korea, celebrities.
I had to hold my gasp in as articles poured in about suicides just in the last year. Most of them through hanging or carbon monoxide poisoning.
Managers finding the talent alone in their apartments, surrounded by all of the gifts from fans.
Alone.
Dead.
Not good enough.
Despite everything they had.
I kept searching and searching.
So many idols complained about depression, anxiety, too much pressure, it got even worse when I saw that some of the groups that had been performing for six years still hadn’t been paid since they were trying to pay off the “debt” that their label went into for their debut.
I’d had no idea.
I couldn’t imagine my uncle being one of those guys.
But was it horrible that I wanted to ask?
If I was getting paid to be an intern—not well, but still paid—then they sure as hell should be getting paid to perform and have schedules like they did.
I was in the rabbit hole—correction, I was down the rabbit hole as I grabbed my earbuds and started watching YouTube videos of former idols.
Most of them talked about the toxic environment: the dieting, being told that they weren’t good enough no matter how hard they worked, and the pressure from the netizens.
From keyboard warriors who had nothing better to do than criticize someone else’s life while they sucked at living their own.
I was probably being harsh, but what fucking right did I have to judge someone in the public eye while working two part-time jobs and going to college?
None.
I hated it.
I hated all of it.
I slammed my computer shut, pulled out my earbuds, and stared straight ahead at the boys.
My boys.
I wasn’t sure when they turned into that.
I wasn’t a fangirl.
I felt like a protective mother bear. I wanted to huddle close and tell them it was going to be okay.
I wanted them to know they were special, talented—whether they succeeded tomorrow or failed—they were important to someone, and that’s all that mattered.
Even if it was one kid who watched their video or listened to their music and decided to live another day. They mattered.
And their worth wasn’t in the approval of others, but in how they lived day by day, how they impacted the world.
Wow, they said kids became their parents. I was channeling my dad in a weirdly crazy way.
He’d always told me that.
“Who’s Grace Lee?” he asked while pushing me on a swing.
“Duh, Dad,” I giggled. “I’m just Grace! I’m gonna be an astronaut!”
“Fly high.” Dad chuckled. “I thought you were scared of heights.”
“It’s different in space, Dad,” I said like a know-it-all.
“Oh good, good, I was worried for a minute.” He was quiet as he pushed me. “What if space doesn’t work out, then who are you?”
“Grace Lee!” I shouted. “I’m your daughter.”
He stopped the swing and pulled me close. “No matter what, you’re mine; you’ll always be mine, Grace. If you fail, you’re mine. If you cure cancer, you’re mine. No matter what you do, your worth is in who loves you. Your mom and I love you. And would be proud of you if you decided to eat dirt the rest of your life.”
“Ewwwwwww.” I laughed. “Daaaad.”
He smiled. “Grace, your worth isn’t in what you do. That’s too big, right? Your worth happens every second of every day… when you help someone who needs help, when you love someone who needs love; it takes place in the small moments, not the big ones.”
I frowned. “I’m confused.”
“One day.” He kissed my head. “One day, you’ll understand that it’s not in the bigness of life you find yourself, but in that still small quiet voice that tells you to buy a homeless man coffee or to stand up for what you believe in. That’s who Grace Lee is.”
I missed him, my dad, but with my schedule it was so damn hard to call my parents. The band took up so much of my time.
I swiped the tears on my cheeks and tried not to look like a hot mess as I slowly got off the barstool and put my computer back in my room along with my air pods.
I fixed my makeup and went back into the kitchen to grab a water. It was already getting late. I could order food for the guys or cook for them.
I was about to ask when I realized that they were probably too tired to do anything right now, let alone think.
And since I once almost poisoned Sookie, I decided to order.
They kept different approved takeout menus in the kitchen. Normally I’d ask for help. I chewed my lower lip and then finally gave up and went into the living room. “You guys want to order something?”
I waved the menus around.
Kai held up his hand.
I handed him one, then Sookie.
Jay had already fired off what he wanted.
Lucas said nothing, just kept watching TV.
With a sigh, I turned to Rae, feeling sick to my stomach. And yet knowing that if I apologized it would do nothing because I was right.
I knew it.
And after seeing all those articles, I was even more resolute.
“I’ll help you order.” Rae jumped to his feet and grabbed a menu out of my hands. “I know what Lucas likes anyway.”
“It’s fine.” My voice cracked as we walked back into the kitchen.
Suddenly exhausted, I wanted to lay down and nap.
“Are you okay?” Rae put a hand on my shoulder. Apparently, he was over being mad at me for calling out Lucas.
It was sweet of him.
But it was the wrong guy comforting me.
I nodded. “Yeah, it’s just a long day.”
“Want to talk about it?”
No. Not at all. “Nah.” I forced a smile. “Actually, can you just order for everyone? I might go lie down.”
“Go lie down in the living room.” His smile was kind. “That way, I can wake you up when it’s time to eat. I’m going to surprise you.”
“Ohhh, with food?”
“You love food,” he teased.
“I do,” I agreed and put my hand on his arm. “Thanks, Rae.”
“Oh, sorry, am I interrupting?” Lucas said in a snarky tone as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a soda. “Sorry, please continue.”
He left.
Tears burned the backs of my eyelids.
Rae said under his breath. “You sure you don’t want to tell me what you guys talked about?”
“Positive.” I swallowed the emotion that kept building up. “I’ll just be in the living room.”
My walk felt slow, difficult as I went into the living room and sat on the couch opposite Lucas, picking up then hugging a pillow.
Within minutes I was bawling.
“Why are we watching this?” I sniffed as Jay handed me another tissue. “Don’t pull out the sword!”
The guys looked so amused I wanted to burn the apartment down. Lucas ignored me.
And soon, I couldn’t keep my eyes open even though I wanted to know what happened to that sexy Grim Reaper and his perfect pout—even if I got injections, my lips wouldn’t look that good, I thought as I dozed off.
“Eyyy,” a voice sounded. “Wake up.” Something tapped my shoulder.
I jolted away. “Sorry, sorry.” I rubbed my eyes. “What time is it?”
“Everyone’s already in bed.” It was Kai. “Rae said to let you sleep out here, but I figured you’d be starving.”
My stomach grumbled. He handed me a box of food. “I wasn’t sure if you even liked this, but Rae said you’d be okay with bulgogi and japchae.”
“I have no idea”—my voice cracked, so I cleared my throat—“what you just said, but it smells amazing so thank you.” I hadn’t been exposed to Korean food a ton and was so happy that they were giving me more options which just seemed fun on top of all the sadness I’d been experiencing. It was a welcome distraction. One I really needed.
I took the two plastic containers then looked up when he handed me chopsticks with amusement.
I snatched them away from him. “I know how to use chopsticks. I’m not totally useless.”
He leaned back. “Didn’t say you were.”
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” I asked, digging into the meat.
He shrugged. “I was texting Solia.”
I nearly choked on the beef, not expecting his honesty. “And? How did that go?”
“She won’t date me.”
I laughed. “Oh wait, you’re serious?”
“She’s scared of my parents.”
“Well, are your parents scary?”
The look he gave me said hell yes, they’re scary. “Let’s just say they own two airlines, five large corporations, and probably made the chopsticks you’re using.”
“Ah.” I gulped down some noodles. “So basically, your rich family is intimidating. She doesn’t think they’d approve?”
He shrugged. “They don’t approve of me being an idol, yet here I am, proving them wrong. I just wish she was… braver.”
I sighed. “You can’t force someone to be something they aren’t. You can only stand by their side, meet them where they’re at.”
He ran a hand through his long hair—it wasn’t in a man bun but resting against his shoulders; I’d never seen him look so relaxed. He looked like a hero from a gothic novel. “I guess.”
“Give her time,” I suggested. “She’s not just dealing with your family being rich and scary—she’s also dealing with the fact that you’re Kai from SWT.”
“I am a pretty big deal,” he added.
“The biggest,” I agreed, taking another bite.
Kai laughed and reached over, stealing a piece of beef. “You’re not so bad yourself, you know?”
“Was that a compliment?”
“You hold your chopsticks wrong.”
I stuck out my tongue and jerked my food away. “Then no beef for you.”
“I’m sooorryyy!” He reached for the food and popped another piece of beef into his mouth. “Why does yours taste better?”
I knew he wasn’t flirting; he liked Solia.
But Lucas, who had just walked into the room, clearly didn’t care about that.
“You should be in bed,” he barked.
“Yeah.” Kai stood.
“Not you.” Lucas sneered. “Her, the girl who works for us and shouldn’t get so comfortable hanging out at midnight with the members.”
How had I forgotten this side of him?
The mean side that pushed everyone and everything away.
I’d been so distracted by my own feelings, I’d forgotten.
Shaking, I stood and closed the container, no longer hungry. “Th-thanks for waking me up, Kai. Lucas is right. I’ll go to bed.”
I quickly put the food in the fridge and walked past Lucas, shutting my bedroom door behind me, and sliding to the floor, my breath coming out in a slow, panicky way that made me feel like I was having an anxiety attack.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Breathe.
My phone went off in my hand, and I stared at the screen as more hot tears slid down my cheeks.
Lucas: Guess Rae really will get my sloppy seconds…
Me: That’s complete bullshit and rude, and you know it.
Lucas: It is what it is, right? I mean, you’ve been stringing us both along. Tell me I’m wrong.
Me: Um, you are wrong. Are you serious? I thought you at least got me a bit, that you knew me, I guess not. I guess you’re like every other guy out there, assuming…
Lucas: Assuming?
Me: I’m going to bed. You should sleep too. You have a heavy schedule, remember? I’m just the intern. The help. Working for you, the talent. Go. Run along. I’ll be here like I always am even if my feelings are hurt, or I’m offended, you know what? Go. I’m done here.
Lucas: Grace, it’s not… I mean… just it’s not like you think, it’s—
Me: Doesn’t matter. Do your job. I’ll do mine and stop letting my heart get hurt in the process. Good night.
I’d be surprised if my eyes would even close that night.