From the dead comes life…
Lucas
“No!” I screamed. “I’m not leaving her!”
Rae tried to pry me away from her body.
She saved me.
She’d always been trying to save me.
But she didn’t save herself.
Her eyes were closed.
I had done that.
I was the reason for that.
I would die this way.
Just watching her unmoving as she lay against the sidewalk, blood trickling from her mouth.
An EMT reached down. “She’s breathing.”
“She’s alive?” I shot up. “Is she okay?”
“She probably has a concussion.” The EMT started working on her. “She’s in shock right now. You need to pull back so we can—“
“I’m going with her,” I shouted in his face, not realizing I was being crazy until Rae pulled me back into his arms.
“Seureul jinjeong,” someone said nearby.
My heart seemed to stutter as the words registered. They wanted to sedate me?
“No!” I roared, lunging for her, fighting against the arms keeping me away from Grace. She needed me. I needed her.
Something sharp hit my arm. I struggled to keep my eyes open as I stared at her closed eyes and her too-pale face.
I jolted awake. Had that all been a bad dream?
I was in my bed.
Wearing pajama pants.
Everything was normal.
I checked my chest.
I felt my own pulse.
“Sleep quieter.” Jay groaned. “You’ve been out for like all day. It’s nearly night again; go to sleep. You were both exhausted and in shock. We had to check you three times because you weren’t waking up, dude.”
“Grace?” I was already throwing the covers off, shoving my feet in my slippers. “Is she okay?”
“In her room,” Jay said, then muttering about losing sleep under his breath, he sat up. “Don’t go to her.”
“What?” A chill spread through my body. “Why?”
“Because.” He looked disgusted as he gave me his back and whispered hoarsely, “You make her cry.”
My heart sank to my stomach then got eaten up by whatever demon still existed in my soul.
“I just…” I moved. “…need to see her.”
He sighed. “You’ll have to go through Rae.”
I was afraid of that.
I opened the door and made my way toward her room, through the eerily quiet and dark apartment. Rae was sitting just outside of it, sleeping with his shoulder pressed against the wall. He looked like hell, face drawn, dark circles under his eyes.
He protected her when I couldn’t.
She’d saved me when she shouldn’t have.
What a fucked-up fairy tale.
He was dead to the world, his head hanging low like he’d been sleeping for hours. I pushed open the door, breathing a sigh of relief when the motion didn’t disturb his position. Quietly, I tiptoed past him and shut the door softly.
She looked like an angel, lying in the bed, her blond hair spread like a halo around her head, her pink lips slightly apart. Her right elbow was bandaged along with her wrist, but she didn’t have a cast on. There were a few scrapes across her chin like she’d fallen forward when she pushed me out of the way, and her breathing was shallow. I assumed she had a concussion but hadn’t even asked—though I did see a bottle of pain medicine next to her bed along with a bottle of water.
She was right.
She’d been right.
It had just hurt to feel it.
To hear it.
And it had hurt more coming from her, from someone who shouldn’t have seen but did.
It was shameful.
Embarrassing.
It was so many things I couldn’t even speak out loud.
“Grace…” My voice cracked as tears filled my vision. “Grace?”
She moaned, turning on her side facing me, her eyes fluttered open. “Are you really here?”
“No. I’m a mirage,” I said.
“Oh.” She seemed defeated. “It’s good you don’t care, you know. If you did, I’d be more sad. It would hurt too much. I don’t know how much more I can hurt.”
Shit.
Fuck it.
I reached for her, moved to her bed, and pulled her into my arms, careful in case she was more injured than she looked, even though I didn’t see any bandages but a small one on her forehead plus the ones on her arm. She shivered and then tucked her head against my neck. “This is a nice dream.”
Yeah. It was.
A dream where we could exist without all the hurt between us.
A dream where I could be with her and not ruin SWT or my own career.
“Yeah,” I finally said aloud. “What a great dream…”
I held her tight while she rested her head against my chest, and I let myself feel it all.
The pain.
The depression.
The darkness.
My arms braced around her body. My breathing wasn’t normal. I felt like I might die there, sinking deep into her bed, disappearing forever while the darkness consumed me.
But I still let myself feel it all.
Everything that haunted me.
Everything she’d called me out on.
“Are you happy?” she’d asked, tears filling her eyes.
NO! I screamed in my head.
NO!
Tears slid down my cheeks as I held her tight, refusing to let go even though I should.
An hour went by.
Then another.
I refused to sleep.
After the third hour, she stirred awake and sat up. I released her and waited for her to yell, for her to scream. I would deserve it, after all.
Instead, she leaned down and cupped my face with her hands, which shook against my skin. “Are you real?”
“Yeah,” I whispered, my voice raspy. “I’m real.”
She nodded. “Good.”
“Grace, I—”
She shook her head. “Don’t talk. Don’t ruin this moment.” And then she was kissing me, and I was opening up to her.
To this girl who saw too much.
Who deserved even more.
And yet she was kissing me.
Choosing me.
I pulled her close and realized in that moment I hadn’t needed a sex talk from Jay. I hadn’t needed to know all the right words to say or the things to do.
I just needed her.
And that was enough.
Everything else was extra.
Everything else could just exist.
What I couldn’t live without was the way she looked at me as if I was enough when I’d fallen so short so many times. When I’d been such a jerk to her for being honest with me.
I clung to her, careful not to hurt her arm or touch her face too roughly, dipping my head against her neck and breathing in her scent. “I’m so sorry.”
“For almost dying?” she asked. Her voice was hoarse, her body felt frail in that moment, and I hated it. “Or for being an asshole?”
I pushed the hair away from her face and cupped her chin. “Both.”
“Oh, so you’re admitting being an asshole now?”
“Yes.” I wanted her to yell at me, to fight me, to tell me I was wrong, that I was the worst of the worst.
Instead, she was smiling at me.
“I didn’t want to hear it.”
“Yeah, caught that.”
“Sometimes…” I licked my lips. “Sometimes, hearing the truth is harder than living the lie.”
“Does this mean we can be friends again?” she asked, pressing her body against mine.
I stirred despite every effort to calm my body down. “No.”
She exhaled, and her body seemed to deflate. She looked away.
“Because we were never friends, Grace.” I captured her mouth. I told myself it would be a fast kiss, that I’d leave her room, sneak past Rae, and get some sleep.
Instead, my tongue slipped into her mouth.
I told myself it was an accident, just like I told myself again that I was going to leave in another few minutes.
Grace moaned in my mouth.
I gently flipped her onto her back, our legs tangled in the sheets as our bodies moved in sync, ready for more.
“Grace?” Rae knocked. “Are you okay? I heard a noise? Do you need another pain pill?”
Grace covered my mouth with her good hand. “No, I’m good, just had a nightmare. I’m going back to sleep. You can go to your room, Rae. I promise I’m okay.”
“I’ll stay here.”
“No!” she said quickly. “It makes me sad thinking of you on the floor, and then I can’t sleep.”
He was quiet. “I can always come in there…”
Fuck.
I stiffened above her.
Her face fell. “Rae, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I really appreciate you watching out, but you have a big day tomorrow. Just get some sleep. I’ll make pancakes or something in the morning.”
“Promise?” he asked.
“Promise.” A tear slid down her cheek.
A tear for Rae.
A tear for my friend.
For my brother.
The guy we were both lying to.
The guy who loved her more than he should.
How had this happened? How had it gotten this messed up?
I moved away from her, unable to even look at myself in the mirror, let alone kiss her with my best friend just feet away from the bed I was lying with her in.
I shook my head when she opened her mouth.
Because if she asked me to stay, I would.
If she asked me to get naked, I would.
If she asked me to quit SWT… I would.
And that was a dangerous place to be in.
So dangerous.
“Okay,” said Rae. Shuffling sounds of movement filtered through the door. “I’m going to go grab a few hours. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Okay,” she said quickly. “Thanks, Rae.”
“Of course.” He yawned loudly, and then his footsteps retreated away from her door.
When no more sounds of movement came through the door, I exhaled in relief.
I sat on her bed and waited a few minutes before standing.
She grabbed my hand. “You don’t have to—“
“Thank you.” I hung my head. “For saving me when I couldn’t save myself.” Tears built up in my eyes. “I hate that you’re right, that I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of SWT, outside of who people see me as… and I want to work on it, I want to face it. I’m just scared.” I released another sigh as though expelling deep breaths would somehow remove the toxic darkness from my body. “Will you help me?”
She nodded. “Of course.”
Despite the sadness blooming inside me, a smile stretched my lips. “Do I get a reward each time I do a good job of not being an asshole?”
“Nope.” She laughed. “Nice try, though.”
“Damn it.” I smirked, then leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I really am sorry.”
“I know. Just promise me that when you get in a dark place, you won’t go walking into oncoming traffic.” She paused, then, “I’m sorry about your mom; I can’t even imagine…”
“Yeah.” I hadn’t digested the fact that my mom was dead. I’d only thought of Grace, and now I was thinking about my mom, the woman who’d raised me, who had taken everything from me and told me I was not enough and never going to be.
“Do you want to talk about her?” Grace sat up.
I shrugged. “Nothing much to tell. She raised me, fed me, sent me to school, told me I’d never make it as an idol, then took everything from me once I hit it big.”
Grace’s face fell. “Did she ever say she loved you, or she was proud?”
I snorted. “On camera, all the time, you’d think she was the mom of the year. She should have been an actress. We moved back to Seoul after my grandparents died and never looked back. I found out later it was because they left her a bit of money and a house. It had nothing to do with her grieving. Meanwhile, I was devastated. I’d never met them… so moving back into their house felt like I was a part of them, a part of something.” I cringed. “She sold everything worth money, bought purses, a brand-new car. My dad didn’t stop her. And I couldn’t bear it anymore. I’d come home to both of them arguing about money, and I just, I couldn’t. I studied hard, and there was an audition for the label. I saw it as an escape.”
“But you can’t run forever,” Grace said sadly.
“No,” I agreed. “Your past always catches up.”
“I’m not sure how funerals go here, if they’re weeks or days, or if you set up a viewing. I’m truly clueless—but I’ll go with you—whatever you need to do, to respect the life she had even if you don’t respect her. I’ll go.”
I couldn’t answer her.
I didn’t deserve her.
But I would take her up on it.
Because I needed her.
More than she would ever know.
“Yeah.” I agreed. “I would like that.”
“Okay.” She lay back down. “Go sleep, Lucas.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, Grace,” I said like before.
“Kiss me, Lucas,” she whispered.
“Okay.” I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her mouth. “I don’t mind orders like that.”
“Don’t leave me again…” A fresh sheen of tears flooded her eyes.
“I promise.” I kissed her forehead. “I promise.”