It’s not over until I say it is…
Lucas
“You’re in a good mood,” Jay said as I threw my shoes against the wall and leaned my head against it. “You gonna break out into song and dance or…”
“Shut up,” I snapped. “I’m just tired.”
“This isn’t about paying a certain reporter off then covering up a story about being in love only to lie to everyone, yourself included, then asking the label to send the one girl you love away, right?”
I didn’t know how to even begin to respond to that.
Rae and I still weren’t talking.
He felt like I’d betrayed him by not saying something.
I felt like he’d betrayed me by not admitting he knew about us.
And the final nail in the coffin was me calling the label to say I was going public with her only to find out that a picture of her and Rae had already surfaced, making it impossible for me to do anything.
There would be no coming back from her being seen with both of us, kissing us, no coming back—for her or for the group.
And I knew Grace. If I would have asked her what was more important, she would have told me to take care of the group, and I would have hated myself for agreeing with her, for even asking her.
So I did it.
I sacrificed us temporarily in hopes that things would blow over, that I could go to her. Instead, our group blew up even more, to the point that we couldn’t even sneak out anymore.
Getting McDonald’s would be a chore.
And not just in Korea, but also in the States, where we got bombarded by paparazzi at a grocery store only to get chased out by screaming fans.
It was too much, too soon, because my feelings were still too raw. I still tasted her mouth; I still felt her skin on mine.
I still wanted her so much it hurt.
I hung my head in my hands and slid down the wall onto the floor. I was so sick that I felt like I was going to puke.
“I wouldn’t go in there—” Kai’s voice came from the hallway.
The door opened.
We had ten minutes before another interview. We’d been in Seattle all of one day, and I could have sworn I felt her everywhere, even in the stupid rain.
“Hey…” Rae sat down next to me on the floor.
“Not now.” I gritted my teeth. “Just… I can’t argue right now.”
“I’m not gonna argue,” he whispered. “You know, I always thought you had it too easy. You were always so talented, so fun to be around, and then I felt this insane need to protect you from the world when your sad excuse for a mother wouldn’t.” He cursed. “And I was jealous, always jealous that despite what you came up against, you always came out just fine…” He swallowed. “Even when it came to Grace. I thought you really did hate her, and I liked her. All I kept thinking was finally, finally, someone for me, someone I could love and rely on, someone who got me. But slowly she started pulling away, gravitating toward the only person who could ever make me feel jealous—you.”
Tears filled my eyes. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “And I never wanted to turn into the jealous bastard that pushed you so far you felt like you had no choice but to save the group and send her away.”
“Yeah.” My voice cracked. “What’s done is done.”
“Do me a favor?”
I sighed. “Really?”
Rae smiled. “Just answer the questions honestly during this interview, okay? Promise me?”
What was he talking about? I shrugged. Whatever. “Fine. I promise.”
“Good.” He smiled. “Good.”
“Are you illegally smoking weed here in Seattle?”
He laughed. “No.”
“You sure?”
“Ask Sookie that question.” He laughed. “Actually don’t, that’s a bad idea; you never heard that from me.”
The guy knew everything, I swear.
I got to my feet, put on my jacket, and looked in the mirror. I missed her so damn much.
How did I even begin that conversation with her? Where I told her I was protecting her? That I cared for her but that I cared for four other people too? How did I save her and protect the group I’d sworn to stay with?
How did people even deal with this?
“Gwaenchanha?” Sookie asked if I was okay, his smile a bit conniving, which was unusual for him.
My eyes narrowed. “Are you okay?”
He rubbed my shoulders then slapped my ass, shoving me into the studio to find my chair for the interview with the US record label.
We had a whole bunch of thirst tweets to read—again, and a few questions from loyal SWEETS in the States.
Nobody was really talking once we all sat down in our chairs. Things hadn’t been awkward, but the group knew I wasn’t myself.
Not since having her.
Missing her.
Needing her.
What was even more ridiculous was that I jumped to the number one tweeted member of SWT because every performance, according to my fans, looked like my heart was breaking.
Spoiler alert.
It fucking was.
I was deemed the hottest heartbreaker in K-pop.
And then the most beautiful dancer even though I knew Rae and Kai were better.
All because I was wearing my heart on my sleeve on a daily basis and being unapologetic about it to my fans.
“All right!” Brittney G from the label, one of their interviewers, was facing us in a pink jumpsuit, her fake blond hair piled high on her head. “Let’s get started with the thirst trap tweets!”
Oh, good.
“This one’s for Sookie.” She laughed. “Is it wrong that I wanna be his mama?”
Sookie laughed and then shook his head. “It’s wrong.”
We all laughed; his English was getting so much better. He was really coming into himself too. I was proud of him despite my own sadness. He’d even confessed that he’d texted Grace a few times to check up on her.
I’d tried only to delete them.
And then my phone broke, and when I got a new one, it hurt to even think about putting her number in it.
Because if I texted her once, I’d text her again.
The studio audience was small, maybe two hundred people as we did our private fan interview.
“Okay next thirst tweet.” She laughed. “Rae is another word for sunlight, just like sunlight is another word for shine down on me, then go down—” She laughed. “I don’t think I can finish this one.”
Rae laughed in good humor, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. The next ten minutes got thirstier and thirstier until we moved to the questions from the label and different tweets to it.
“All right.” Britney flashed her brilliant stage smile at her cue cards. “Who’s still a virgin?”
Whoa! I looked around at the guys. Were we allowed to even answer this? It felt so invasive and inappropriate!
Rae answered first in a semi-tense voice. “Next question.”
The crowd laughed and then booed in good humor.
“All riiiight.” Britney grinned. “Who’s the best kisser?”
“Me.” Sookie pointed at himself then looked around. “What?”
Everyone laughed, and I was again taken out of the spotlight. Who the hell wrote these questions anyway?
“Okay, next question…” Britney cleared her throat and paused, then said, “Who’s had the biggest heartbreak?”
My tongue was thick in my mouth; I couldn’t answer even if I wanted to. Would I just start crying at this point?
All the guys pointed at me.
I hung my head, attempting a small smile.
Britney’s smile was warm. “Was it love?”
“Was?” I repeated. “There is no fucking was.”
I didn’t realize I’d cursed until people gasped around me. Shit.
I scratched my head. “What I mean is, honestly, it still exists. You can’t just deny love because it’s not in front of you anymore or because it’s impossible. I don’t care if fire is staring you down and is burning between you and your love—you walk through it, you know?”
The studio went completely silent.
Even the rest of my guys were quiet.
Britney’s eyes were kind, her red lips pressed into a respectful smile. “I guess that leads me to the next question… who do you love, Lucas?”
“My fans,” I said out of instinct. “I love my fans. And this year…” My voice cracked. “This year, someone taught me to love myself… and through loving myself, I fell in love with her. She saved me in more ways than one. I hope our fans can understand that sometimes it’s by accident when you fall, and when you fall so hard, sometimes you welcome the bruising, the bleeding because it’s better than the alternative of being alone… of being without your person and letting the darkness swallow you whole.”
A girl in the front row burst into tears, then another.
Phones were raised.
Sookie put his hand on my shoulder.
And then.
“Do you mean that?” a familiar voice asked.
I jumped to my feet and turned around, greedily searching for the sound of her, wondering if I was going crazy or if she was really there. Was it Grace? It sounded like Grace.
The lights were near blinding, and then there she was, standing in front of us, gorgeous in black leggings, a crop top, and jean jacket, her ever-present Nikes on her feet and stupid Kevin standing behind her with a grin on his face and CEO Siu standing on her other side, same stupid grin.
Grace’s hair wasn’t blond anymore—no, she’d gone dark and then added red highlights to the tips—I wanted to believe it was because she wanted me with her, even if it was stupid.
“Do you?” she asked again.
I nodded. “Yes, more than anything.”
“Is this the part where you kiss me, then?” she pressed.
I didn’t even answer. I just rushed over to her, pulled her into my arms, and crushed my mouth to hers.
The audience cheered as we clung to each other.
“How?” I asked.
“Rae,” was all she said, and then, “the boys, our boys, the best group of guys in the world, how else? SWT.”
I smiled against her kiss and realized for the first time in my life I could answer her question. “Ask me again.”
“Ask you what?”
“Are you happy?”
Tears filled her eyes. “Are you happy?”
I kissed her again and said against her mouth. “I am. I am so happy.”
I swung her around and laughed as Jay covered Sookie’s eyes with one hand as though he needed to in the first place, then laughed even harder when Kai covered Jay’s face in amusement.
And then there was Rae, sitting there, arms crossed, a look of respect on his face before he nodded his head, as if to say, this is how it ends, and I’m okay with that.