CHAPTER 2

 

Ru

 

 

“That shade of monkey’s butthole looks horrible on you, prosti-ru-ella-tute,” Brock added as he stole another candy bar from the bowl sitting next to me.

“Did I loan it to you? Because your puckered puss is looking pretty… anal-lytical right now, Tiny Tot.” My smirk had him pausing with a chunk of chocolate stuffed in his cheek to bare his teeth at me in a sneer. A chocolate toothed sneer that made me want to laugh.

“Right. Make a short joke, squatch, like that’ll shut me up.” He rolled his eyes, then leaned in to burp near my ear. Ugh. Giant man-child. He’d started it! The moment I’d walked up those porch steps he’d started in! It was worth it, though, to watch Gams wallop him upside the head and start berating him in English, German, and I wasn’t sure what the other language she used was. She claimed it didn’t have a name, that it was well before our time, too complicated to teach us, and what did we care?! I didn’t. Gams was old, she was grandfathered in, as she liked to call it, and the woman had proved time and time again she could and would do as she pleased.

“Hush, both of you,” Gammy castigated, marching past me and where I was to stand sentry and watch over the house full of idiots until at least three hours past the witching hour.

Brock stuck his tongue out at me, but I reached up quickly and flicked it. He was just about to make an ass out of himself about it as I silently laughed my butt off at him, when she turned towards us suddenly. We both sobered up fast, our eyes widening instantly.

“Remember what I said,” Gams instructed, pointing an aged finger at me, then Brock.

“Yes, Gams,” we recited dutifully in unison, like Brock wasn’t in his forties and my arse wasn’t on the brink of it.

We were giant bickering children, I’d admit this. If only in my head, you know, to myself. Ahem.

“Now take me to your parents’, grandson,” she ordered, hobbling her way down the steps to make her way to his truck.

“How did she get to your pad in the first place?” Brock grumbled. “I’m surprised they let her out past her bedtime…”

“She heard that,” I whispered, as Gams snapped, “A cab, you ungrateful brat! Hurry your fat head over here and help an old woman into the carriage of this beast!”

Brock tossed me a look over his shoulder, a commiserating one I could share with him in. Lifting my shoulders in a shrug in answer, we shared one of those rare, sibling agreement smiles.

“My truck is a classic. Got the muffler done. Wait til you hear her purr, Gams,” he bragged to our grandmother, like she might actually care.

“If it’s louder than it was before, you need a new death trap,” she told him.

Brock snorted but left it at that.

Watching them quickly take off, I wanted to rush after Brock’s truck. Wait, don’t leave me with these fools you call friends! But I knew there was no point.

“Hey, pork chop? That you out there?” one of the goon squad called from the cracked front door.

“Oh- Dumplin’, could you get me a beer when you come back this way?” another called.

Then they all laughed like they’d just said the funniest crap.

Ugh. WHY did I agree to this year after year? If an Ogre got ahold of them, it would be doin’ the world a favor.

“Don’t hold your breath waitin’ on me, honey!” I leaned to the side from my spot, pushing the door open wider, to shout towards the living room.

Someone muttered something unflattering about me, referencing a female dog. Ahem. Classy, these gents. I was pretty sure it was Richard, aka Dick, as he hated for me to call him, but oh, I insisted.

And as I was mentally giving them all the middle finger, turning away to give in to the sweet candy temptation in the bucket beside me, discreetly unwrapping a coconut, almond, chocolate coated morsel, I heard someone else mutter too low for me to make out the speaker, though I’d put my money on Clayton or Craig, “Must be on her period.”

I was going to murder them before the night’s end. The witching hour couldn’t come to pass soon enough!

There was not enough sage in the world to cleanse this house of its bull crap!

If Trolls existed, truly, I hoped one took a dump down their chimney!