At intermission I find her backstage
still practicing the piece coming up next.
She calls it the "solo in high dreary."
Her bow niggles at the strings like a hand
stroking skin it never wanted to touch.
Probably under her scorn she is sick
that she can't do better by it. As I am,
by the dreary in me, such as the disparity
between all the tenderness I've received
and the amount I've given, and the way
I used to shrug off the imbalance
simply as how things arc, as if the male
were constituted like those coffeemakers
that produce less black bitter than the quantity
of sweet clear you pour in—forgetting about
how much I spilled through unsteady walking,
and that lot I flung on the ground
in suspicion, and for fear I wasn't worthy,
and all I threw out for reasons I don't understand yet.
"Break a leg!" somebody tells her.
when she comes out, she seems nervous,
her hand shakes as she re-dog-ears the big pages
that appear about to flop oxer on their own.
Now she raises the bow—its flat bundle of hair
harvested from the rear ends of horses—like a whetted
scimitar she is about to draw across a throat,
and attacks. In a hack allev a cat opens
its pink-ceilingecl mouth, gets netted
in full vowl, clubbed, bagged, bicvcled off, haggled open,
gutted, the gut squcc/ed down to its highest pitch,
washed, and sliced into cello strings that bring
a screaming into this duct of hair and gut.
Now she is flying—tossing back the goblets
of Saint-Amour standing empty,
half-empty, or full on the tablecloth-
like sheet music. Her knees tighten
and loosen around the big-hipped creature
wailing and groaning between them
as if locked with her in syzygial amplexus.
The music seems to rise from the crater left
when heaven was torn up and taken off the earth;
more likely it comes up through her priest's dress,
up from beneath that clump of hair that now
may be so wet with its waters, miraculous
as those the fishes multiplied in at Galilee,
that each strand wicks a portion all the way out
to its tip and fattens it into a droplet
on the bush of half notes glittering in that dark.
Now she lifts off the bow and sits back.
Her face shines with the unselfconsciousness of a cat
screaming at night and the teary radiance of one
who gives everything no matter what has been given.