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I'm not quite sure what event most impacted my desire to finally file for divorce.
Could it have been when I was put on bed rest for five days, and he only checked on me three times?
Or maybe it was when he made me grovel for forgiveness during a contraction for being grumpy with him while I was in labor.
And maybe it could have been when he went two days without talking with me as punishment for our infant crying too much one night while I went out to a church fundraiser and he was “forced” to soothe her.
Regardless, I remember the moment I decided that a divorce was inevitable.
I had just awoken from having my tubes tied, and because the anesthesiologist had used an outdated weight chart instead of looking at my history of overdose from sensitivity, I was ultimately out of it for an hour past regular recovery time.
My memories are pretty foggy of that day, but I still remember snippets of heart-wrenching devastation.
While recovering, I woke about every 10 minutes in hysterical tears, revealing to the nurse that my husband was no longer in love with me, that I was still in love with him, and that I could never understand how I had ended up so lonely.
Once I had finally recovered enough to be sent to my outpatient room, I remember lying there and feeling like part of me was forever broken. For days, my heart hurt, and when everyone in the house was asleep, I would lie in bed crying until I fell asleep.
Because my husband had refused marriage counseling and had told me repeatedly that the problem was that I just wasn't likable, I finally decided that I needed a healthy escape till I was in a situation where I would be able to branch out on my own.
That is when I rediscovered my love for reading.
At the time I was spending multiple hours a day nursing my then small daughter, so reading became a way for me to avoid getting depressingly lost in the happy lives of Facebook friends, and instead imagined life without hopelessness.
Though I know that my logic was flawed in my reliance on romantic fiction to help me imagine a different life, it did the trick. A year after I finally acknowledged my broken heart and marriage, I filed for divorce.
Today, 90 days after my filing, I finally found myself a free woman.
Now the question was, "Where does my life go from here?"