| |
8/16/14
Dear diary,
Today is the day — I’m really doing it this time. I’m going to come out to Daisy.
I know, I know. I’ve been saying that for weeks, but I really can’t back out of it this time. I texted her earlier to see if she wanted to come hang out, and I told her I had something I wanted to tell her. And it’s Daisy, so she’ll ask about it because she always remembers everything, and she’ll definitely know I’m lying if I try to give her some bs excuse. She always knows when I’m lying. Maybe I should ask her what my tell is.
Anyways, I wrote out this whole speech to say to her (which is why there was a page ripped out of this notebook. It wasn’t for something stupid this time) and I’m super ready for it. I mean, she’ll probably be fine with it. Right?
I mean, even Mom and Dad weren’t that bad about it. Sure, Mom made that face that looks like she was trying to get her eyebrows to touch, but she still said she loved me. Dad was super supportive, but ... I don’t know. It felt like he was following some “how to react to your kid coming out” handbook and not actually saying what he thought. I could have it a lot worse, I guess. I haven’t asked them yet if I’m allowed to have sleepovers with Daisy anymore. I hope I am. I don’t wanna lose my best friend over this.
Anyways, Daisy is gonna be here soon. I’m gonna go sit in the backyard and try to relax until she gets here. I doubt I’ll be able to actually relax, but oh well. I’ll see what I can do.
Sincerely,
Hana
—
Hana breathed in the humid, damp air under the shade of her favorite birch tree. She was lying on the ground in a patch of sun slipping between two trees, closing her eyes against the bright sunlight and letting it bleach the blackness behind her closed eyelids until it felt like she was staring into the sky anyways. She drummed her fingers against the dry grass, unable to stay still with her nerves. For some reason, this felt like a life-or-death moment, like if Daisy didn’t accept her the rest of her world would implode.
The warmth of the sun on her face was disrupted, and Hana squinted up to see Daisy holding her hand at just the right angle to block the sun from Hana’s eyes. The freckles on her arms and cheeks were dark from a summer spent outdoors, and a sunburn reddened the tip of her nose.
“Hey, Hana,” Daisy said. All at once, Hana wasn’t nervous anymore. Daisy was her closest friend and the sweetest person that she knew. Just being around Daisy made Hana act kinder towards other people. Her mother loved when Daisy came over for just that reason.
“Hey, Lazy Daisy,” Hana replied. Daisy rolled her eyes at the nickname and moved her arm out of the way, making Hana close her eyes and throw her own arm up to stop the sunlight from blinding her.
“I hate that nickname, you know,” Daisy muttered, taking a few steps away from Hana to settle on the swing set Hana’s dad had built when her mother was pregnant.
“Yeah, I know.” Hana ran her fingers over her pocket, feeling the small spot where the corner of the folded note was poking through her jean shorts. She took a deep breath, steeling herself to start talking.
“You okay?” Daisy asked, her tone tense and unsure.
“Oh, uh, yeah, I just — I mentioned I have something to tell you? And it’s — I don’t know. I think you won’t care but, I ... don’t know?”
“Did you kill someone?” Daisy teased, trying to lighten the mood.
“If I killed someone, I would’ve called for help burying the body,” Hana quipped. Daisy laughed, and the sound loosened something in Hana’s chest.
“I’m a lesbian,” Hana said, abandoning her well-crafted speech immediately.
“Oh,” Daisy said, her face scrunching up. Hana tried not to hold her breath, but this silence would only be one breath long if she just held on. The silence stretched, and her lungs ached, so she just started rambling.
“Yeah. I don’t — Well, I’ve known for ... a while. Nothing will change,” Hana said quickly, thinking back to her original script. The clever words she wrote were nowhere to be found in her mind, but she didn’t want to pull out the note now.
“That kind of ... makes sense?” Daisy said, tilting her head to really look at Hana.
“What do you mean?” Hana asked.
“I mean, you haven’t even kissed a boy yet. And you’re, like 14, so that’s not normal ... And you’ve been listening to that Troye Sivan song on repeat for like a month ... And you were, like super excited when gay marriage was legalized in New York.”
Hana felt a pit in her stomach. Was she that predictable? Was the way that her parents reacted because they knew and they just hoped she wasn’t?
“Oh,” was the only thing that escaped Hana’s mouth.
“I didn’t mean it like — shit, Hana, thanks for telling me,” Daisy said, looking like she wanted to take back everything she said.
“I, yeah, of course. I already told, like, my parents, but I just thought you — you know, you’re my best friend. And I just thought you should ... know, I guess. I don’t know.” Hana stared at her Converse. The girls had bought matching white pairs and decorated them the past summer, and Hana still wore hers often. The marker hearts Daisy drew on the toe of her left sneaker were fading, but Hana didn’t want to fix them. She liked wearing a little piece of Daisy with her all the time.
“Yeah, I mean — you said it. Nothing's gonna change. I mean, we never talked about boys anyways.” Daisy paused, suddenly looking annoyed. “Is this why your mom told me I couldn’t sleep over?”
Hana’s head snapped up.
“She said that?” Hana asked.
“That’s so stupid. We’ve been having sleepovers since we were, like, babies. It’s not like now — ugh, I can’t believe her. I’m texting my dad to tell him I’m staying over. What’s she gonna do? Kick me out? She’s never mean to me. I can pull the dead-mom card. Do you think this is a dead mom card situation? I can even work up some tears if needed. This is such bullshit,” Daisy said darkly. Hana looked up at her friend, her eyes prickling slightly at the loyalty and fierceness lacing with Daisy’s words.
“You’re the best friend ever, you know that?” Hana asked.
Daisy smiled. “Hey, if I don’t play the dead mom card for good things, what use is it?” Daisy asked. Hana got to her feet and pulled up Daisy to hug her. The younger girl's growth spurt had hit her with a vengeance that summer, and she was beginning to loom over Hana’s 5’3” frame.
“Want to bike to get ice cream?” Hana asked, still hugging her friend.
“Absolutely. I told my dad we might go to the mall so he gave me $20,” Daisy said, pulling away from Hana.
While they ate ice cream, Daisy babbled on about her friends on her swim team, and Hana listened with a smile on her face. She looked at her best friend, and it was like she was seeing her for the first time.
Daisy’s hair was frizzing out of a French braid, and a loose strand kept falling out on the left side. She kept tucking it behind her ear absentmindedly, and Hana held herself back from touching it. Daisy’s green eyes were bright despite their exhaustion from biking to the ice cream shop, and it mesmerized Hana. Daisy shined like a precious gemstone, like something worth digging up and wiping the dirt from and hiding away from prying eyes.
Something shifted in Hana’s chest when her eyes fell onto Daisy’s full lips, and —
Oh. That made sense.
She didn’t want anything to change, so she decided that she would deal with this later. She pushed the thought as far away as she possibly could, locking it in a gilded box in the back of her mind. It was out of sight, but every once in a while a bit of light would shine on it, and she would be tempted to search for the key.