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The day after the party, Daisy got a text from Skippy with a terse apology. She went with Aaron’s original excuse, though she added the new detail that she often started getting mean when she drank whiskey, and she apparently did a few shots of Jim Beam before she spotted Daisy with John.
Daisy accepted her halfhearted apology and went on with her life. She wouldn’t see Skippy for a little while, and there were more pressing things to worry about in the meantime. She needed to figure out how to respond to John’s texts and if Hana was murdered. And if she was, Daisy needed to catch the killer.
She crossed Hana’s friends’ names off her suspect list after adding a note with their alibis. It was time to read Hana’s journal. First, though, she had to how to quell the queasy feeling that popped up every time she thought about reading the words Hana hid from her eyes while she was alive.
The easiest way, she figured out while trudging through a breakfast with her father where she expertly hid her slight hangover, was to try not to think about it. She would take the ghost’s words as the truth and believe that Hana wanted her to read the journal. Anything that would keep her mind occupied so she didn’t have to face the horrible truth.
Opening Hana’s journal took more effort than she thought. It was just an ordinary composition notebook with no lock, not even an elastic holding it shut. But Daisy was struck with the thought that once she read the journal, there would be that much less to learn about Hana. Daisy thought she would spend her entire life learning new things about Hana, but there were a finite number of her secrets left in the world now.
She took a deep breath and read the first journal entry.
—
3/7/19
Dear Diary,
Today is that magical first day of fake spring. I know it’s probably going to snow again next week, but right now it feels so nice. A moment of warm sun after a hellish winter. Maybe things will be okay after all. Shit, I have to meet Chrissy, we’re going to study on the quad (aka sit next to our open books and gossip and tan).
Sincerely,
Hana
—
Daisy wasn’t sure why she thought that every one of Hana’s journal entries would be something groundbreaking and revolutionary, but the innocuous first entry gave her more confidence to keep reading the rest.
But as Daisy read on, she noticed that a lot of the pages were ripped out, some entries cut in half or missing entirely. Hana didn’t journal every day, so it was hard to tell how many were missing, but there were at least 15 pages ripped out of the notebook, which was a lot considering the fact that Hana only filled half of the notebook before she died. When Daisy flipped through the empty pages, a piece of paper with a key taped to it fell out from between the pages, and she picked it up hesitantly.
Hana’s ghost appeared, a smile on her face. “Finally! You found it. I knew you would.”
“What is it?”
“Read it and see.”
Daisy followed the ghost’s instructions and unfolded the note.
—
Dear Daisy (or whoever else finds this),
I think I’m in too deep. I’ve been looking into my dad’s death, and someone is onto me. I don’t know anymore if Jake Hansen was working completely on his own when he shot my dad. I know there were witnesses and everything, so, yes, Jake killed him, but I don’t think that was all.
I’m scared that something is going to happen to me, and I’ll take this investigation and everything I’ve uncovered to the grave. So this note is my safety net and also a goodbye if it comes to that. I really hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t know what there is after death, if it’s the eternal glory of heaven like we’ve been promised, or if it’s nothing. I know I’m not supposed to dwell on that, so I try not to, but I’m not particularly good at doing what I’m supposed to. I can’t decide if I would prefer for the afterlife to be perfect or nothingness. Knowing the way this world works, I’m sure it will fall somewhere in between.
If anything happens to me, I don’t want to leave without a final word. So just in case, this is my goodbye. Because if dying young is my fate, if it’s part of God’s plan, I can’t stop it, but I’ve always been determined to have the last word.
Mom — I’m sorry I didn’t try harder since Dad died. He really was the glue of this family. I know you’re trying to fill that void with Dennis, but really, please stop. He’s not the man you think he is.
Will — Sorry I broke that promise.
Daisy — I don’t think you want everyone reading what I have to say to you. Remember that place from your list? Your letter is there. Please know you were always my best friend even when I treated you worse than you deserved.
Until we meet again in whatever dreams come after this,
Hana
—
Daisy stared at the note in disbelief, tears rolling down her face. It was true. All of it was true. Hana had been murdered. She didn’t kill herself. Her ghost was looking at Daisy expectantly, but before either of them could say anything, Daisy’s phone started ringing.
She reached for it in a daze, still comprehending what she’d read. When she saw it was Will calling her, she swore at herself. She knew he was going to call around this time, but she was so wrapped up in reading Hana’s journal that she didn’t notice it was creeping towards the time for their weekly call.
“Hi Daisy!”
“Hey, Will. How’s Barcelona?”
“It’s amazing. You would love it here,” Will said before launching into a story about the highlights of his week. He was keeping her and Henry updated in their family group chat, but it wasn’t the same as actually talking about what he was doing. Daisy laid down while he talked, throwing in a comment here and there while he excitedly went on.
“If you did all that in a week, I can’t imagine how much more fun you’re going to have while you’re there,” she said.
“Yeah, they’re definitely keeping us busy. I’m just glad we have a late start tomorrow because a bunch of us are going out to some bars tonight. Being above the legal drinking age here is awesome. But enough about me, how has your week been?”
“It’s ... well, it’s been fine.”
“Just fine?”
“Hana’s friends came and visited for a memorial thing since they couldn’t make the funeral.”
“Oh.”
“And they’re all nice, but ... they’re Hana’s friends, you know?” Daisy stared up at the ceiling, finding shapes in the popcorn texture like she’d been doing since she was a kid.
“Yeah, I get that. Are you ... are you okay?
“As okay as I have been. I think things will be easier once I leave for school.”
“Yeah, getting out of Penfield will help,” Will said. “And I know we talked about only doing this one phone call a week, but you know that if you ever need me—”
“I can call, I know. I know you’ll always be there for me,” Daisy said.
Will sighed. “I’ll be home before you know it. And you know, Fairfield isn’t all that far from New Paltz. Less than two hours, and I can visit any time.”
“That’ll be nice,” Daisy said.
“Yeah, and I—” Will cut off as someone called his name.
“I’ll let you go. Have fun tonight, but not too much fun,” Daisy teased.
“Alright dad, I’ll keep that in mind. I love you.”
“Love you too. Bye,” Daisy said. She hung up and dropped her phone on the pillow next to her. Hana’s ghost appeared, lying on her side next to Daisy and facing her.
“How’s Will?” Hana asked.
“He loves Barcelona.”
“Great. Now that we covered that, thoughts on the note?”
“You really do have a one track mind,” Daisy grumbled, sitting up and reaching for the note again. She reread it, but nothing had changed in the few minutes since she’d first read it. She still didn’t understand it.
“What do you mean, the place from the list?” She looked up at the ghost.
“I don’t know. I wrote this the day I died, so it’s fuzzy. Do you have any ideas?”
“No. I mean, what list are you even talking about? Do you have anything I can go off of?”
Hana took the note out of Daisy’s hands and read it before handing it back. “I must’ve thought it was something you could figure out. So ... figure it out.”
“Wow. So helpful,” Daisy snarked.
“I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. It feels like I’m losing more memories every time I come back. It’s ... I don’t know how much longer I’ll even be coherent. Things are different now, time is different. It feels like I’ve been dead for years.”
“It’s barely been a month.”
“I know that,” Hana snapped. “But it’s different for me. I’m not supposed to be in this in between. It’s not a place where souls are supposed to stay for a long time.”
“I’ll get you out of there. But ... if I solve your murder, I’ll never see you again?”
“Yeah. I’ll be gone. To whatever is next.”
“Oh.” Daisy didn’t particularly like Hana’s ghost showing up, but the thought of losing her again made Daisy feel hollow.
“Yeah. So chop chop before I start forgetting more stuff.” Hana clapped to emphasize her point. “Where do you think your note is?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll go get more of your journals and see if you mention anything in there.”
“I guess that works. Just don’t procrastinate like you did with reading this journal. I’ll see you later,” Hana said before disappearing again.
Daisy picked her phone back up before she could second guess herself and called Noriko.
“Hello?” Noriko said. She sounded tired — the warmth and life of her usual voice dimmed when Hana died, and through the small speakers on Daisy’s phone it sounded like it was entirely gone. She hoped it was just the call quality.
“Hi Mrs. Holm,” Daisy said, unsure if she should dive right into asking to come over.
“Oh, hi Daisy! How are you doing?”
“I’m okay! The job is going well, and I’m getting excited to leave for school,” Daisy listed off, knowing that was what Noriko cared about.
“That’s great, I’m so glad to hear that. Is anything wrong? Or is there anything I can help you with?”
“Actually, yeah, there was a book of Hana’s that I wanted to read. Is it okay if I come over later and grab it?”
“Of course. I leave for work around six, can you come before then?”
“Oh, maybe I can come by tomorrow then. I was about to meet up with a friend to go dorm shopping,” Daisy lied.
“Oh, that’s so exciting! You know what, you know where the spare key is. Why don’t you just let yourself in?”
“Oh, thanks, Mrs. Holm, that would be perfect.”
“Great. Well, I won’t keep you. Have fun picking out dorm stuff, and you know ...” Noriko hesitated. “All of Hana’s dorm stuff is still packed up in the basement. You’re more than welcome to take whatever you want from it.”
“Oh, thank you,” Daisy said. She didn’t know why it felt like such a surprise that Hana’s things were in her basement, waiting for a return trip to New Paltz that would never happen, but it left Daisy a little breathless.
They said their goodbyes, and Daisy swallowed thickly in an attempt not to cry.
Just in case her dad spoke with Noriko, Daisy decided to leave the house. She gave him the same excuse she had given Noriko and spent the next few hours just driving around, killing time by trying to think about what Hana was talking about. Daisy loved making lists, and she wished Hana had been a little less vague in her letter. She got fast food for dinner and sat in the parking lot, scrolling through years of summer and winter bucket lists, yearly resolutions, goals, and even to do lists to figure out what Hana was talking about. Daisy had a long list of possible places Hana could be referring to, and she diligently noted each one down with plans to go through the list later to see which one Hana was most likely referring to.
She drove to the Holm’s house and arrived at six fifteen, not wanting to accidentally run into Noriko if she was running late. Daisy went into the backyard and grabbed the spare key from the loose brick in the pool area, which Hana chose as a hiding spot when they were younger. It gave Daisy a sense of relief to know that even with Hana gone, Noriko hadn’t moved the spare to one of the more convenient spots she tried to talk Hana into using.
Daisy went in through the back door and slid off her shoes, taking in the quiet. She walked towards the front of the house where the staircase was, taking in all the small changes. At first, she didn’t understand how Noriko could wipe away so many traces of Hana and Mark, but all at once it clicked.
If Hana’s shoes were left in the closet, if her coats were on the matching wooden hangers, or if her keys and water bottle were on the credenza by the door, it would almost be like she was just out for a minute. With her things in their place in her home, it would seem as if she was coming back, and the constant realization that she wasn’t would hit every minute of every day that Noriko spent in her home. Framed photos that once told the story of a happy family were now a tale of Noriko’s loss.
Daisy walked around the rest of the floor to see how Noriko had scrubbed Hana away. Most of the changes were subtle. Hana’s favorite books were gone from the shelves. The gaming console that Hana rarely used was removed from under the living room TV. The door to the office was still locked the way it was the day of Mark Holm’s funeral five years earlier. Hana had tried the handle when they got back to the Holm house after the funeral luncheon, and when she found it locked, she sat on the floor outside of the room and cried. Daisy thought it probably looked like a time capsule the way most of Hana’s room did, another room Noriko left to rot so she wouldn’t have to think about her loss.
Daisy was compelled to look in the office, so she reached her hand along the top of the door frame to look for the key that should be there. Hana told her about it once when they were drunk, how she found the key’s hiding place but never used it. But Daisy didn’t feel the key where it should’ve been, and she remembered the one taped to Hana’s note. She pulled it out of her bag and hastily shoved it into the lock, and when she twisted it the door opened with a soft click.
Daisy opened the door, expecting to see a room untouched for the last 3 years, but it was obvious that someone had been in there recently. Someone who knew that Noriko wouldn’t be checking in here by the looks of it — the once tidy office from Daisy’s childhood memories was a complete mess. There were papers and markers strewn across the desk and folders piled on the floor next to the plush rolling chair. The books on the shelves were all slightly out of place, like someone looked through all of them before tucking them back in their spots. The only person who worked this way was Hana. But what would she have wanted in this room? What was she looking through old paperwork and case notes for?
Daisy looked through the papers on the desk, but when she moved them a puff of dust flew into the air and sent her into a coughing fit. The wound of losing Hana was still so fresh that she forgot that even if Hana had been working in here, the office would still have at least a month’s worth of disuse coating it.
Daisy sat down at the desk and flipped through the files, which looked to be documentation of Jake Hansen’s threats against Mark Holm over the years. Hana annotated one of them, the last one Mark ever received, which came just a few weeks before Hansen murdered him. The threat itself was rambling and nonsensical, but Hana’s notes brought a clarity Daisy wasn’t sure she would’ve found on her own.
This letter is a mishmash of all of the others. Entire phrases and paragraphs borrowed and reused — he never did this before. It was also over two years since his last letter. What changed? Why did he snap when he did? Was he paid to kill dad?
Daisy didn’t know what to think of Hana’s annotation, but she gathered all the letters anyways, tucking the entire pile into a manila folder hidden beneath them. She looked in the drawers of the desk, but there was nothing but old office supplies there, so she picked up the office key and folder of death threats before venturing back into the hall and locking the office door behind her.
Daisy made her way up to Hana’s room, unsure of where exactly Hana would hide her old journals. Hana loved keeping secrets, clearly, and Daisy was sure Hana would’ve found an interesting hiding spot. She stood in the middle of Hana’s room, pointedly ignoring her bed, and looked around. A copy of The Lightning Thief on the bookshelf caught her attention — Hana and Daisy were obsessed with the Percy Jackson series they were in middle school, and Daisy picked it up to stare at the well-worn cover. She flipped through the pages and swore she could smell the cheap body spray she used to wear in seventh grade when something behind it caught her attention.
Instead of the dark wood of the back of the shelf, a sliver of a notebook cover was visible in the gap between books. Daisy pulled off all the books on the shelf, carefully stacking them in the order they were in on the shelf. Her efforts revealed years worth of Hana’s journals hidden behind the books, and Daisy collected all of them, shoving them into a reusable grocery bag she found in the closet. She carefully placed all the books back on the shelf, but she took The Lightning Thief with her. If Noriko asked, she could claim this is what she came for.
“Man, we loved that book. Remember when we used to read it out loud to each other?” Hana’s ghost asked, appearing next to Daisy. Daisy startled and dropped the book, but Hana caught it easily.
“Shit, you scared me.”
“Sorry, should I have led with ‘boo?’”
Daisy glared. “Hello would work too.”
“Well, hello. Find anything good?”
“All your journals — nice hiding spot — and also the files in your dad’s study,” Daisy said, gathering all her things to leave Hana’s room.
“The files ... right, yeah! The letters, right?” Hana asked.
Daisy gave her a perplexed look. “Yeah. Are you ... what else have you forgotten?”
“Nothing much. Get home safe. I’ll be back later.” Hana disappeared before Daisy could ask more questions. It was kind of perfect that Hana could now make a dramatic exit whenever she wanted.
When Daisy got back home, she dumped all of the journals on her bed. Before she started reading the rest of the journals, she cracked open her own notebook to write down everything she learned from the Holm house.
—
- Noriko got rid of all the traces of Hana
- It’s like Hana was never there
—
Daisy paused after writing that last line before crossing it out. It wasn’t really relevant to Hana’s murder.
—
- Noriko got rid of all the traces of Hana
- It’s like Hana was never there
- The key on Hana’s letter was for her father’s office, which she was working out of
- Hana annotated death threats against her father
- Hana thought someone might’ve paid Jake Hansen to kill her father
—
Daisy figured that she wasn’t going to have anything else of importance to add and flipped to a fresh page to write down notes about the journals. She grabbed a pad of sticky notes from her desk, opened the first journal, and jotted down the dates of the first and last entries before sticking the note to the front. Once she was done, she ordered them from the oldest, all the way back from when Hana was starting sixth grade, to the newest, whose last entry was days before Hana died. There was at least one page ripped out after that one, though, so Daisy wasn’t sure when Hana’s actual last entry was.
Henry called Daisy for dinner, and she was glad for the excuse to avoid reading Hana’s journals once again. Soon she would be brave, but for now she let herself be a coward for another night.