Chapter 12

I’m dreading seeing Daisy again. How can I face her without immediately spilling everything I did? I mean, I cheated on her. I cheated on her twelve times. And I just ended things with Frida on Saturday. Even though I told myself I would do it all last week, I just kept going back to her. But that’s over now.

On top of seeing Daisy again, I also am going home again. And on the one hand I hate it and I’m so glad I left for college, but I’m kind of looking forward to it. At school I can be whoever I want, but I also want everyone to see me as the person I want to be, not always who I am. I painted a picture of myself that’s more vivid than I intended, and sometimes it’s hard to shine as bright as people think I can. But at home I can be a burning sunset or a muted orange and people still know me.

Well, I still have another two hours of this train ride (if we’re on time) to contemplate how much I fucked up the best thing in my life. I think I’ll take a nap to avoid thinking about it.

“It’s so good to see you, sweetheart,” Noriko said when she picked Hana up from the train station. “I know the trip is a long one, but I’m glad that you’re back to combat my empty nester syndrome.”

Hana had never thought of her mother as having a scent before, but as she was crushed to the chest of the woman that raised her, Noriko smelled like home. Tears pricked in Hana’s eyes, and for a minute she considered telling Noriko everything. About the way she loved Daisy and how she betrayed her and the guilt consuming her and how overwhelming life was when she didn’t know who she was meant to be, just that it wasn’t who she was now.

The station was crowded with people coming back to Rochester for the holiday, and Hana spotted a few reunions going on while they walked outside to Noriko’s car. A middle-aged man who looked disgruntled during the entire trip now smiled and held two small children vying for his attention on either hip. It made Hana’s heart ache, and she hurried after her mother a little faster than before.

Noriko had managed to arrive early enough to get a close parking spot, which Hana was grateful for as the November night bit at her ungloved hands. Noriko opened the back door for Hana’s duffel bag with a wide conspiratorial smile, and before Hana could question the look, Daisy popped her head out.

Her smile was bright enough to light up the dreary parking lot, and Hana wanted to cry. Instead, she smiled and let Daisy envelop her in a hug. A black hole opened in Hana’s chest, sucking in all of the stability she’d gotten from seeing her mother and crushing her into herself. How should she act around someone that she loved and hurt so badly? How did she hide the destruction Daisy knew nothing about?

“I missed you,” Daisy said, still hugging Hana. Hana clung to her as if holding Daisy tight enough would wash away the sins Hana had committed against her. If she loved Daisy enough now, maybe it would make up for the fact that she did something that would destroy Daisy when she found out. If she ever found out.

“It’s weird to be back in Rochester,” Hana murmured, climbing into the backseat after Daisy. She felt like they were kids again on their way to soccer practice or swim lessons, giggling and talking quietly in the backseat while Noriko pretended not to hear anything they said. The black hole pulled more insistently.

“I bet,” Daisy said. “Thanksgiving should be fun, though. I’m glad you guys are coming over again this year. It’s always a better day when you guys come over.”

Hana remembered the first year that the Polo family came over for Thanksgiving, the year after her mom’s adopted parents both passed away within two months of each other. Hana and her parents used to go to their house every Thanksgiving, and most years it was the only time Hana saw the people who raised her mother. That first year Noriko was meticulous about the house being impeccably decorated and all the meals being properly prepared, obsessed with the idea of hosting the perfect Thanksgiving to avoid having to go to the large Holm family event Hana’s paternal great aunt and uncle hosted. The year that Mark died they went to the Polo house instead because Noriko didn’t really have the energy to cook or clean, even though it was nine months later. Hana survived the year after her father’s death with microwave meals and boxed mac and cheese, but she never mentioned it to anyone. Noriko did the best she could.

Dennis showed up at the Polo’s house that year, too, and Hana tried not to be upset about it. He’d gotten divorced shortly before Mark died, and even though she knew it made sense that he wouldn’t spend the holiday with his ex-wife’s family like he used to, it still felt wrong to have him in Daisy’s house. He didn’t have any excuse to miss the party that his family hosted, unlike Noriko and Hana, who were always on the outskirts of Holm events even before Mark died.

Something about having him talking with her mom when her dad wasn’t around anymore felt wrong in a way she couldn’t explain. It made her angry and territorial and annoyed that he thought that his pain over a divorce he probably initiated could be as painful as losing her dad to a lunatic with a gun. She ignored the fact that he lost his brother and instead picked a fight with Daisy the way she always did when she was upset about her dad that year. Daisy reacted the same way she always did — like a wounded animal that rolled over to prevent further damage. Hana didn’t even have the heart to really fight that day, and they made up before dessert was served.

“As long as you got me a vegetarian option instead of turkey, I’m excited,” Hana teased, speaking loud enough to clue Noriko in that she was also a part of the conversation.

“Don’t worry,” Noriko said. “We got your weird non-meat holiday roast thing. It seems like the least appetizing thing I’ve ever seen, but whatever makes you happy. Can you really eat well at school without meat? You look too skinny.” Hana laughed, even though she knew she had lost weight unintentionally that semester. Sometimes the only vegetarian option at the dining hall was fries, and Hana could only eat so many before the grease made her feel sick.

“I am not. You just haven’t seen me. Only a few months and you forgot all about what I looked like, Mom? Harsh,” Hana joked. Noriko rolled her eyes and Daisy giggled, earning a sidelong glance and a smile from Hana. Her phone buzzed, and she looked down at it to see a text from Daisy, who was asking Noriko an innocuous question about the route they were taking.

Daisy

I wish I could kiss you rn

Not touching you is driving me insane

Hana

Ask my mom if you can sleep over and you won’t have to keep your hands off me

“Mrs. Holm, is it cool if I stay over tonight? I’d just be in the way at my house. Plus, I think Hana has probably forgotten what it’s like to sleep in a room alone,” Daisy joked. Hana tried not to look startled at the sentence, forgetting for a second that Daisy was talking about having a roommate.

“Of course, Daisy. You know you’re always welcome at our house. Do you need to grab anything from your house?”

“Yeah, you can borrow some clothes from me to sleep in,” Hana said. Daisy smiled at her, and Noriko’s eyes flicked between them in the rearview mirror.

“Alright. No drinking tonight, though. I don’t feel like dealing with hungover teenagers on Thanksgiving,” Noriko said.

Daisy looked startled, but Hana just laughed. “Mom, I’m only 19. I have never touched alcohol once in my life. Whatever are you talking about?”

Daisy gave her a tight smile, and Hana realized she had never told Daisy about how much Hana and Noriko’s relationship had improved now that they didn’t live together. Once Hana was far enough away to be her own person and miss her mom, she found that she understood Noriko a lot better. She saw her mom as a person who was heartbroken and hardworking and not just as someone Hana could constantly take and take and take from. It was an odd realization, but one that colored the way she was looking at her mother now.

Hana wondered what it was like when her mom went to college. Did she pull all nighters and survive on snacks and laugh too loud with friends in the library the way Hana did? Noriko went to a local state school so she could be close to her parents if they needed help around the house. She was an only child, adopted when her parents were in their late thirties. She used to feel a responsibility to take care of them as they got older, but once she married Mark, she could afford to hire an at home caretaker for them and didn’t have to visit as often.

When did Noriko start to feel disconnected from her parents? Did the years of driving them to doctors appointments and using her nursing degree to care for them create resentment Noriko couldn’t move past? Did they drift apart when she went away for school and she started feeling the way Hana did now? Did Noriko feel like she held an ocean of knowledge of the world in the palm of her hand and the life she used to live at home was nothing more than a glass of water after a nightmare?

When they got back to the Holm home, Hana breathed in deeply. An essential oil diffuser going in the living room made the entire floor smell like lemon and cinnamon and home.

“I made up some cookies for tomorrow, but I think there are enough for you girls to take a few,” Noriko said while they took off their coats and shoes. It reminded Hana of when they were eight and nine years old and tried to come inside covered in dirt after playing outside for too long. Noriko bribed them with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies to persuade them to hose themselves down outside so they wouldn’t track dirt through the house, and it worked like a charm. Hana blinked back tears at the sudden memory, but she hid it by turning to hang her coat in the closet.

“Yeah, thanks, Mom.” If anyone else noticed how thick Hana’s voice was, they didn’t comment.

Daisy carried their glasses of milk and chocolate chip cookies so Hana could bring up her bags, and they retreated to Hana’s room. Once the door closed, Daisy set down the food quickly and practically launched herself at Hana, kissing her before Hana could even drop her bags. Hana was struck by the lightning of the moment, by her own desire to get Daisy closer and lose herself in the girl she loved, and she forgot her guilt for a minute. When she remembered and pulled away.

Daisy pressed her forehead to Hana’s and smiled. “Hi,” she murmured, her voice raspy.

“Hi,” Hana replied with a small smile. She pecked Daisy’s lips before flicking her eyes to the bed.

“Want to listen to some music?” Daisy asked, knowing what Hana was thinking. Daisy’s ability to read Hana used to be a gift, a symptom of their connection and love for each other, but now it felt like a fatal diagnosis. Still, Hana put on the indie band that she was obsessed with lately while Daisy watched her with hungry eyes.

Being with Daisy was familiar, easy. They knew what they liked from years of loving each other, and Hana couldn’t help comparing everything that Daisy did to what Frida had done. Daisy knew just where to kiss her neck, while Frida was always a bit too far to the left. Maybe Frida learned the placement from someone she loved once as well. Daisy smelled different and tasted different and was all soft edges where Frida had been rough. Daisy rushed with her in a way Frida never did because Frida never worried about them getting caught.

Seeing Daisy again proved to Hana once and for all that ending things with Frida was the right decision, and being with her at all in the first place was a colossal mistake. She couldn’t lose this, couldn’t lose the way that Daisy looked up at her like she was some kind of God-sent revelation.

Afterwards, they ate their cookies and put on pajamas and fell back into bed completely wrapped in one another.

“I missed you so much,” Daisy said, her voice small and vulnerable in the quiet of Hana’s room.

“I missed you, too. It’s so different not having you so close anymore,” Hana said.

“Well, I applied to New Paltz. If I get in, we’ll be together again, and it’ll just be across campus instead of across the state.”

Hana’s heart clenched at the thought. What if Daisy came to New Paltz only to find out what Hana had really been doing? What if she met the person Hana was turning into and hated her?

“When do you find out?” Hana asked, holding in her more poisonous questions.

“I think they start sending stuff out in, like, January. You’ll know as soon as I do, though. You know I tell you everything,” Daisy said. She was being honest. Daisy never lied to her about anything. Then again, Daisy never did anything that she would ever have to lie to Hana about.

“I love you, Daisy Polo,” Hana murmured. Daisy smiled against her chest where her face was pressed, and Hana barely stopped herself from tearing up. If Daisy found her out of place declaration weird, she didn’t say anything about it.

“I love you too, Hana Holm. Good night.” Daisy pressed a kiss to Hana’s collarbone before going quiet.

Daisy loved Hana. Hana had known that since the first time they kissed, but she never quite understood how just that feeling was enough for Daisy. She didn’t need to be constantly reminded that Hana loved her. She didn’t need to show it off. She didn’t need anything to love Hana.

When Daisy said she loved Hana, she said it the way she would any other basic truth. Bird calls sound like songs. The sun rises in the east. Daisy loves Hana. That kind of devotion was a comfort to Hana before Frida, but now the sure, strong love that she used to be drunk on was hitting her liver. She didn’t deserve to be loved the way Daisy loved her, but she was too selfish to walk away. It was easier not to deal with the headache of telling the truth.

“I can feel you thinking too hard,” Daisy murmured. Hana startled. She thought Daisy was already asleep. Daisy tucked her chin over Hana’s shoulder and turned to look at Hana, her green eyes shining through the dark like a beacon.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Hana murmured. It was true and she didn’t deserve it.

“And I’ll still be the best in the morning. Go to sleep,” Daisy teased. Hana kissed the top of Daisy’s head instead of answering and finally forced herself to fall asleep.

The next morning Daisy left after they ate the breakfast Noriko made for them, and Hana waved from the doorway while Henry drove her away.

“Hana, can I talk to you for a sec?” Noriko called from the kitchen, drawing Hana back inside. Hana walked into the kitchen and stared at the controlled chaos Noriko had created.

“Honey, best friends don’t look at each other like that. I wasn’t born yesterday,” Noriko said, rolling out a pie crust like this was a casual conversation.

“I, well, yes, we are, but, I — are you going to tell Daisy’s dad?” Hana asked, immediately worrying how Daisy would feel about the revelation even though it felt like a relief that Hana didn’t have to hide this from Noriko anymore. Hana may not want to hide their relationship, but she would never want anyone to out Daisy before she was ready.

“No, I won’t do that to either of you, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep hiding in your own home. I know you’re away at college, and you’re entering adulthood. Besides, you could be doing much worse while you’re away if there isn’t a girl like that waiting for you at home,” Noriko said. Hana’s face crumpled, all of her guilt and self hatred coming to the surface, and she started crying. Noriko set down her rolling pin and rushed over to pull her daughter into her arms.

“I cheated on her,” Hana sobbed, “and I can’t tell her because she’ll hate me. I’ve ruined everything because I can’t have anything good without messing it up.”

Noriko made shushing noises and held Hana until she cried herself out. When she was done, Noriko pulled back and brushed Hana’s hair off her wet face.

“I know you know what you did was wrong, you don’t need me to tell you that. But you can’t keep this inside,” Noriko said.

“Well, then you need to think long and hard about the fact that you hurt Daisy and decide whether the truth is what she needs. You’re an adult now. You should learn the price of honesty and the weight of keeping secrets.”

“Your father and I kept secrets from each other. Ones that will never be revealed now. But even if he was lying to me about some things, it didn’t matter. I trusted him and I loved him and nothing he could have done would have stopped that. There is power in silence, and we both knew that. We would tell each other if it was important enough. If Daisy is the right one for you, you can do that. You know her better than I do. I won’t tell you what to do other than think about it.”

Hana was shocked. The thought of her parents, who loved each other more than she’d ever seen two people love each other, hiding secrets from each other felt like something she was never supposed to know.

“What’s something you never told him?” Hana asked. She needed to think, and she was still wrapping her head around her mother’s advice.

“I never told him that I almost dated Dennis first,” Noriko revealed. “Years before your father and I were together, Dennis and I went on a date. He was at a dinner party that I went to back when I first got my degree and started working at the hospital. He asked me out to dinner, and I thought he was charming until he asked where I was really from. Things were different back then, but I still knew I could never be with a man that thought he could speak to me that way. When I met your father, I didn’t even put it together that they were brothers until I met the family. I told him I met Dennis before, but he never knew anything beyond that. He didn’t need to because it never mattered. One date with Dennis didn’t change the way I loved your father, so it didn’t matter. He never asked, and I never cared to tell him.”

“Oh,” was all Hana said. There was nothing else to say to an admission like that.

“Yes. And, of course, your uncle got better with time, but your father was always the one for me, right up to the day he died.”

Noriko dropped her gaze to her overpriced slippers. “No, he’s not. I’ll never love someone the way I loved your father, but I’m sure I’ll love again,” Noriko admitted. Hana nodded like it was new information, but it wasn’t a surprise. This was an awfully big house that her mother lived in all alone while Hana was gone. How could she fault her mother for trying to fill the rooms with life again? Still, a pinch of anger sizzled in her chest

“I will. Once it’s ... really something. You don’t have to hear about every date,” Noriko said. Hana wrinkled her nose at the thought.

Noriko laughed. “Yes, exactly. Now, I need help with the pies. I’ll even let you put on whatever music you want, but do consider my poor ears won’t you?” Hana rolled her eyes at her mother’s teasing, and the seriousness of the moment leached away like autumn melting into winter.

By the time they got to the Polo’s house that afternoon, Hana was still turning her conversation with Noriko over in her head. She tried to push it to the back of her mind, but all it did was expose new parts of the idea she needed to consider.

They went through the usual niceties, the game of their parents pretending to be annoyed that they were drinking wine, and the small talk about life Hana expected. Things were going smoothly until the doorbell rang. Hana didn’t know anyone else was coming, but her mother sprang to her feet and smoothed down her dress with a bright smile.

“Oh, that’ll be your uncle,” Noriko said, going with Henry to greet Dennis. Hana finished the rest of her wine in one pull.

“Hey everyone,” Dennis said when he walked into the room. The others gave generic greetings in response, but Hana couldn’t get herself to do it. She wanted to be happy to see him, but the only thing she felt was annoyed. He didn’t belong here, not like the rest of them did.

“How was your drive?” Noriko asked. Hana couldn’t stand the stupid small talk they would make for the rest of the night. She was trying to come up with a good excuse to leave when she noticed the way that her uncle and mother were standing. His hand hovered over her waist, and she was angled fully towards him like she was holding back from touching him.

Earlier, Hana hadn’t thought twice about why the lie Noriko gave as an example was about her uncle, but now it became clear. This was something Noriko was thinking about all the time. This little lie was sitting in her brain and weighing down all her thoughts. Noriko needed to tell herself she made the right choice because there was no longer the option to correct her mistakes.

“We’re going to watch the dog show,” Daisy declared, standing and pulling Hana along with her towards the living room.

Will followed after them, laughing. “Daisy, why are we watching this? You just get upset about all the dogs that don’t win.” He sighed.

“It’s better than listening to them talk about the drive from one side of the town to the other. Besides, I’ve grown this year. I know they’re all winners, and I definitely won’t get mad,” Daisy said matter-of-factly.

Daisy rolled her eyes and threw the TV remote to him. “I’m going to go grab the wine. Why don’t you get to the right channel?” Daisy turned and walked out of the room.

Once Daisy was out of earshot, Will turned to face Hana. “I know something is up with you. I don’t know what, but just ... don’t hurt her.”

“You already gave me the shovel talk, like, as soon as you found out we were dating,” Hana said. The joke fell flat.

“I’m serious, Hana. You know I love you and you’re one of my best friends, but ...”

Will grimaced at her words. “I just — Daisy is so naive. I don’t think she could handle you breaking her heart.”

“You don’t have to worry about her, Will. I’ll always take good care of her. You know that,” Hana said. Saying the lie was like licking the sticky glue on the inside of an envelope. Sharp and sweet with a side of hesitance so you wouldn’t cut your tongue on the paper.

“I know, I just have to say it. So how’s college? Is your mom still pushing for you to transfer to an ivy?”

“Yeah, as per usual. She started leaving pamphlets around about Harvard and Yale’s philosophy departments. I think there was even one from NYU. She must really be desperate since she’s always said that isn’t a real ivy league school.” Will laughed, and Hana tried not to notice the tightness to his smile.

Will was attending Fairfield for something business related, and he was on a full scholarship for lacrosse, which was the only way he could attend the school. He didn’t have a trust fund he could use to pay for college and college-related expenses like Hana. One of the reasons she was so excited to go to New Paltz when she first discovered it, aside from knowing it would piss her mom off, was the fact that Daisy could go too. It was a state school, and the cheapest state school in New York on top of that, and back then she saw herself as the right person for Daisy. Now she knew if things didn’t work out between them, she wouldn’t be able to go a day without seeing Daisy somewhere on campus. She wished she could convince Daisy to go somewhere else without revealing why.

Daisy came back into the room and immediately held up her phone to take a picture. Hana gave a bright smile and threw up a peace sign, Will laughed, and Daisy smiled at the picture.

Daisy’s walls were plastered with printed out pictures of anything and everything Daisy found interesting, which meant there were a lot of pictures of Hana up there already. She counted once before she left for college and saw her face up there fifty-seven times. She wondered how many more times she appeared by now.

“You’re lucky you’ve got such a good-looking brother. Otherwise your walls would be devastating to look at since there’s so much of Hana’s face,” Will joked, and Daisy blushed and rolled her eyes. Hana threw a pillow across the couch at him, and it devolved into a pillow war for a few minutes until the adults came in and told them that if they wanted to be treated like adults responsible enough to drink, they would have to act like it.

Hana let herself be happy, and sitting on the couch she realized she couldn’t lose this by telling Daisy about Frida. She vowed that if a day came when she was strong enough to survive losing Daisy, she would tell her.

Chapter 12

Hana — age 19