Pain. Sondra stared into the darkness, unable to focus. She stumbled to her feet and moved to the connecting door. Another wave of pain drove her to her knees. She writhed in agony. “Zack,” she whispered; she had no breath. She pulled herself up with the help of the connecting door’s knob. Another wave of pain stopped her lungs. When the pain ebbed, she opened the connecting door and knocked softly. It was all the energy she had.
A breath of air against her cheek announced the opening door. Sondra had dropped to the floor again, curled in a fetal position. A serrated blade slicing through her gut would have been kinder. Her vision narrowed to pinpoints of darkness.
Zack wrapped his arms around her. She could almost feel them against the pain. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”
“Ho-hospital.” Was all she could manage.
His warmth disappeared and she felt herself being wrapped in something. He grunted as he lifted her, but she was too weak to help.
Helpless. Absolutely helpless. Tears of frustration leaked around closed lids.
She was aware enough to know she was being buckled into the car, but the trip to the hospital was a blur. Some of it was the speed of the scenery as it flew by. She suspected Zack was driving faster than she’d ever dared.
He carried her into the emergency room. As they walked past a mirror, she caught a glimpse of someone she hardly recognized. The robe she’d worn the night before must’ve been added by Zack. Green pallor was a clear indicator that her nausea was just barely in check. Her eyes were dark and wild and matched her out-of-control hair. She closed her eyes and tried to erase the vision when another wave of pain had her clenching her fists and biting her lip. She couldn’t help the cry of pain.
She was strapped on a gurney and in an emergency cubicle in a matter of minutes. A nurse drew some blood and took vitals while a physician talked to Zack. After a few minutes, Zack smoothed her hair back.
“They’re going to do an ultrasound and see what’s going on. They want to make sure it’s not a tubal pregnancy.”
Sondra took a deep breath to counteract another wave of pain. “I don’t think that’s a possibility given how the babies were put there, is it?”
“I have no idea. Let’s just let the doctor take a look.”
Sondra reached for Zack’s hand. Her knuckles were white with the strength of her grip, but he didn’t pull away. “You’ll be okay, Sondra. Everything will be fine.”
She hoped it was true. A few minutes later, they had her wheeled into the ultrasound room.
A technician ran the machine over her stomach. “It looks like you’re having twins. Congratulations.”
Sondra trembled, and Zack reached for her hand. “What is this pain she’s experiencing?”
The technician pushed away from the table and busied herself cleaning her equipment. She avoided their eyes. “I’m not a physician. He’ll be talking to you in a few minutes.”
Sondra was wheeled back into a private room in the labor and delivery section of the hospital. The room was decorated with flowered wallpaper and had a homey feel even though evidence of the room’s purpose was evident. A nurse came in and attached a heart monitor, an IV and a blood pressure cuff. As another wave of pain shook Sondra, the heart monitor echoed her pain.
A doctor in a white lab coat walked in. Sondra was clenching Zack’s hand as if her life depended on it. As the pain lessened, she looked up at the doctor. He picked up her clipboard and read through her information. While he was staring at the paper, he asked, “When did the pain start?”
Sondra scrunched her brows. She hadn’t looked at a clock.
“It was around midnight.” Zack answered.
The doctor looked at the heart monitor as it registered another spasm of pain. “Her contractions are about three minutes apart.”
“Contractions?” Sondra was dumbfounded.
“You might be losing your babies.”
Sondra’s anguished eyes met Zack’s.
“Is there anything that can be done?” Sondra whispered.
“This early on, there isn’t much we can do. You should know in a few hours whether this pregnancy will keep.” The doctor sounded sympathetic, but Sondra had the feeling that he’d lived through this same scene with so many patients that he was having a hard time empathizing.
Sondra’s grip tightened on Zack’s hand. This wasn’t something she’d really prepared for. Sacrificing nine months. That was the plan.
This didn’t fit. Carrying her sister’s babies was supposed to be a gift. How could she lose them? A different womb was supposed to be the fix Nikki so desperately wanted.
Sondra sobbed over the next wave of agonizing pain.
Zack turned to the doctor, desperate for some release for her. “Isn’t there anything you can do?”
He nodded. “I’ve ordered something through the IV. The nurse should be in shortly.”
Zack turned back and stroked Sondra’s hair. “It’ll be okay. The doctor has ordered some pain medication.”
Sondra shook her head against the paper lining. “This is not going to be okay. This is not supposed to be happening.”
“The pain meds should help.” The agony in his face reflected her own.
Sondra stared up at Zack and whispered. “There are only four left. They can’t make any more.”
“How could you even consider doing this again?” His voice was anguished.
Sondra gripped Zack’s hand and gritted her teeth through another wave of pain. “I… I don’t know if I can.”
“This is too big of a sacrifice. I don’t want you going through this.”
Sondra stared at Zack a moment. He sounded serious. “Women do this every day.”
“But for their own child, not someone else’s.”
“I promised.” Sondra managed through gritted teeth.
“Some promises were never meant to be made.”
She took a deep breath after the pain lessened. “Wasn’t it you who told me family ties are the most important?”
“How many women do you know who have volunteered to carry their sister’s child?”
“That’s not fair. And you know it.”
Zack smoothed back her hair again and dabbed the sweat off her brow. “I just know I can’t stand seeing you in this kind of pain. And for what? To help your sister be a single mother?”
“Zack!” Sondra protested. “How can you say such a thing?”
Zack clenched his jaw as another spasm of pain showed on the monitor. “You can’t hide. The machine shows it even if you try. I can’t see you do this again.”
“I have to try. Nikki can’t carry them.” Sondra’s voice was a strained whisper.
“Maybe if Brad gets better…” Zack almost choked on his words.
Sondra shook her head again. “Even if he survives, he’s sterile. It’s not repairable.”
Zack looked like he was about to say something and then stopped.
By early the next morning, Sondra had lost the babies.
Before she was released from the hospital, the physician who had treated her came in.
Sondra’s voice was weak. “My sister miscarried recently. She had to have a D&C. Am I going to have to have one, too?”
He shook his head. “You were early enough in the pregnancy that you shouldn’t have to. Follow up with your doctor. You’ll need to have your hormone levels checked in four weeks. If they’re back to normal, you won’t need one.”
“Thanks. I will.” Sondra signed the release forms and was promptly guided to a wheelchair by a waiting nurse, who followed Zack to their car.
“Take it easy.” Were her last instructions as Zack reached over to buckle her in.
She would’ve protested, but she was hardly aware of her surroundings. The pain medications were making her drowsy and she was weak from the intense pain she’d lived through.
She’d always thought the pain of birth was from the size of the baby. Having pain this intense from contractions wasn’t something she’d expected, and it wasn’t something she wanted to live through again. Not now. Not ever. Zack was right. Promise or no promise, she was done.
Profound grief at losing the babies was also something she hadn’t expected. For the short time she’d carried them, she had grown to love them. The box of tissues she’d nabbed from the funeral wouldn’t last long.
When Sondra’s tears turned into wracking sobs, Zack found a convenient exit and stopped the car. He held her until her sobs settled into sniffles. He didn’t talk.
Finally, Sondra pulled away and tried to smile. “Thanks for everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you there.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t fix this.”
“It’s not your fault.” She stared out the window and then back at him. She took a deep breath. “I’m going to have to call Nikki.”
Sondra closed her eyes a moment and took a deep breath. She locked her gaze with Zack’s and then pulled out her phone. “Here goes…”
She listened to the ringing of the phone and was afraid it would go into voice mail when Nikki’s weary voice answered. “Sondra?”
Tears were already running down her face again. She couldn’t deliver this message without feeling some of her sister’s pain. “I’m so sorry. I lost the babies.”
Nikki’s wail had Sondra pulling the phone away. When her sobs had subsided enough for Sondra to talk, she promised, “I’ll try again, Nikki. It’ll be okay. It’ll work next time.” As determined as she’d been just a few minutes ago to never try again, she couldn’t stop herself from comforting her sister. She would try again.
Hearing her sister’s anguish was more than she could bear. And she felt the loss almost as deeply as Nikki did. She didn’t realize how attached she would be to the babies. The act of carrying them was bonding. She didn’t know how she’d be able to step aside and hand them over, but this was her sister, and she would do all she could to help her. She always had.
“You’ll do that?” Nikki’s voice showed she was trying to believe the words she’d just heard.
“Of course. When can we try again?”
Nikki’s voice was raw through her tears. “You’ll have to give your body some time to recover. My doctor had me wait at least three months.”
“I didn’t realize how tired I would be.” Sondra chewed on her thumbnail and then stopped, clenching her hands instead. “I have a big case coming up in March. I’ll have to wait until April. How is Brad going to take this?”
“He’s sitting here next to me, and he’s as b-bro-oken up as I am.” Nikki cleared her throat so she could continue. “We want you to know that if the babies don’t take, we aren’t going to blame you. We know there is nothing you could do.” She started to sob again. After a moment, she controlled her sobs enough to say, “Maybe there is something in our genetics. Maybe it’s just God’s will that we not have any children. Maybe…” And then she couldn’t finish.
Brad got on the line. “Thanks, Sondra. We realize what a sacrifice this is. You don’t have to do this again.” Then the phone went dead.
Knowing Brad, he had gone to comfort Nikki.
She shut the phone and stared unseeingly at the soundwalls that flew by while Zack was driving. She couldn’t stem the flow of tears, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been earlier.
She did have to do this again. She didn’t really have a choice, and she had known that the day Nikki had thrown the request at her.