‘On buses and trains you wouldn’t believe
The crazy things that passengers leave
A ventriloquist’s dummy mouthing a scream
Two tickets (unused) for Midsummer Night’s Dream
Handcuffs, chains and a spiderman suit
The tangled remains of a failed parachute
Rucksacks, tents and rolled-up beds
If they weren’t screwed on they’d lose their heads
Two bull terriers and a Siamese kitten
Suicide note, hastily written
Garden forks with broken handles
A birthday cake with four candles
A file with TOP SECRET stamped in red
(Inside a card, April Fool it said)
Safe and secure behind a locked door
Priceless works of art by the score
Paintings by Hockney, Warhol and Blake
Two Mona Lisas (possibly fake)
Of trousers belonging to Toulouse Lautrec
(short in the leg, black and white check)
A painting by numbers of Rembrandt’s head
Dirty sheet and a pillow off Tracey’s bed
Jigsaw by Rodin, of two lovers kissing
Damien Hirst skull with the diamonds missing
Am I overworked? Of course I am
The list goes on ad nauseam
A shot putter’s shot and a pole vaulter’s pole
A partial eclipse and a Black Hole
A bucket of toenails and a wooden plank
Two air-to-air missiles and a Russian tank
The Statue of Liberty and an oil slick
Mountains of mobiles and an old walking stick
Lost any of these? Bad news I’m afraid
The Lost Property Office has been mislaid.’