Let’s Tone Down Powerful Choleric
As Popular Sanguines see their weaknesses as trivial, and Perfect Melancholies see them as real and hopeless, Powerful Cholerics refuse to believe there is anything about them that could be offensive. Because of their basic premise that they are always right, they naturally can’t see that they could possibly be wrong.
Right from the time they are little children, Powerful Cholerics must win in every situation, and they will find a way not to lose face.
Powerful Choleric Bryan, five years old, appeared ready to go to a birthday party wearing old Reeboks. His mother instructed him to go back to his room and put on his dress-up shoes.
“I hate those shoes,” he said clearly. His Powerful Choleric mother replied, “I don’t care whether you like them or not. Just put them on.”
“I won’t wear the brown shoes,” Bryan stated.
“Then you won’t go to the party!”
Bryan was faced with a problem. He wanted to go, but he didn’t want to wear the brown shoes. His Powerful Choleric nature wouldn’t allow him to give in and yet his mother was driving the car, and he knew from experience that she meant what she said.
He stood momentarily baffled and then came up with a Powerful Choleric solution that allowed him to save face. “I’ll put the brown shoes on, but when I come home from the party, I will throw them in the trash and I will never wear them again!”
Byran felt he had the victory!
Mr. No-Fault
During the break at a marriage seminar one evening, a Powerful Choleric man came charging up the aisle, waving his temperament papers in the air.
“I have all of these strengths and none of the weaknesses,” he shouted. Behind him was a little Peaceful Phlegmatic wife, shaking her head no but not daring to utter a word.
“Furthermore,” he said, “these things aren’t even weaknesses.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, look at this word impatience. I would never get impatient if everybody would do what I told them to when I told them to do it!” He pounded the lectern for Powerful Choleric emphasis, and in words only a Powerful Choleric can say with a straight face, he concluded, “Impatience is not a weakness in me; it is a fault in others.”
Right there is the heart of the Powerful Choleric problem, and the reason they don’t try to improve. They are always able to rationalize why the weakness is not theirs but is a fault in others. If Powerful Choleric can ever be convinced of his abrasive nature, he will be the quickest of all to improve, because he is goal oriented and must prove to himself that he can conquer anything if he sets his mind to it.
PROBLEM: Powerful Cholerics Are Compulsive Workers
Solution 1: Learn to Relax
Powerful Choleric is a great worker and can accomplish more than any other temperament, but on the negative side, he just can’t relax.
He goes full steam ahead so long that he can’t quite throw the switch and turn himself off. Since Fred and I are both partially Powerful Choleric, you can imagine the activity we generate. If we sit down, we feel guilty. Life was made for constant achievements and production.
Every house was made to be changed.
Every meal could be better.
Every drawer could be neater.
Every job could be done faster.
The Powerful Choleric in us makes us go, go, go. Don’t ever sit down if there’s something you can stand up and do!
I once was telling a Peaceful Phlegmatic friend how I have to force myself to rest, and the only way I can take a nap is if I consider sleeping as a step to the goal of good health.
“All the time I’m resting,” I explained, “I’m planning what I’m going to do as soon as I get up.”
“That’s funny,” she said. “All the time you’re down, you’re wishing you were up. With me it’s just the opposite. All the time I’m up, I’m wishing I were lying down.”
We both laughed as we realized the extreme differences in the Powerful Choleric who loves to work and the Peaceful Phlegmatic who loves to rest.
Last year Fred and I decided we badly needed a rest. My brother Ron suggested an island in the Bahamas that is so remote we would be forced to relax. We flew off to this paradise where we planned to do nothing but rest.
We missed breakfast the first day. (By the time we got down the staff had left!) After breakfast on the second day, we went out to investigate the long, slim island. We were right in the center, and we found there were only two things to do: walk to the right or walk to the left. By lunchtime we’d done both.
After lunch Fred and I went to our room and sat on the edge of the twin beds. Fred took out a clipboard and legal pad and said, “I think it’s about time we got this vacation organized. We’d better go to breakfast early before the staff quits. We’ll take our time and get into our bathing suits at 9:30 A.M.We’ll then walk to the left. Since we have to get a tan we’ll lie on the beach until 11:00 A.M., when we’ll come back to the room to dress for lunch.”
I nodded along as Fred wrote down our schedule accounting for every minute, up to a 3:00 P. M. walk to the right.
At this point I realized what we were doing. The Powerful Cholerics in need of a rest were planning out each day, so that we wouldn’t waste our vacation. Even though we knew why we had chosen a quiet place, it was so contrary to our natures to relax that we were planning how to make the most of our time!
Powerful Cholerics must realize they are heart-attack candidates, and they must learn to relax. I force myself to rest, and I discipline myself to go to bed at a decent hour when I’m traveling. Although parties may go on, I say good night and retire.
Powerful Choleric will never be lazy, but he must realize he doesn’t have to work all the time.
Solution 2: Read When I Relax I Feel Guilty
It is hard for Powerful Cholerics to take it easy. Tim Hansel has written a book custom-tailored for Powerful Cholerics, When I Relax I Feel Guilty (David C. Cook). He says, “Leisure has always been difficult for me to incorporate into my life. I have rarely been accused of working too little. My problem has been just the opposite. I figured if it were good to work ten hours it would be even better to work fourteen.”
Then he challenges other workaholics. “Is it possible that your days are hurrying by so fast that you don’t fully taste them anymore? Are play and rest foreign words in your living vocabulary? When was the last time you flew a kite, went for a bike ride, or made something with your hands? When was the last time you caught yourself enjoying life so deeply that you couldn’t quite get the smile off your face? Chances are, it’s been too long.”
Tim spoke to Fred and me. He showed us we didn’t have to organize our vacations or push our children. We could relax and not feel guilty. As Fred and I have laid this weakness out in the open, we have begun to have fun together. I’ve stopped pushing him to do yard work each weekend, and I no longer feel it’s a sin if my house isn’t in museum condition at all times.
Powerful Cholerics have to learn to relax. Try it—you might like it!
Solution 3: Take the Pressure off Others
Powerful Choleric’s amazing capacity for work is at once an asset and a liability. From a business point of view, the love for progress and achievement makes Powerful Choleric the king of the road. Whether male or female, Powerful Choleric is raring to go and running for the goal. Powerful Choleric can accomplish more in a shorter time than any other temperament. The average Popular Sanguine needs some of the Powerful Choleric drive to get anything done, and Perfect Melancholy needs the Powerful Choleric compulsion to get him from the analysis to the actual work. Peaceful Phlegmatic, who would rather watch than work, has to push himself to set goals that are inherent in Powerful Choleric. This drive for achievement comes prepackaged in Powerful Choleric and other temperaments wilt before his hot pursuit of the prize.
Powerful Choleric’s single-mindedness of purpose, allowing nothing to stand in his way, is what makes him accomplish far more than other temperaments, but this drive can be wearing on others.
Dorothy Shula says of husband, Don, coach of the Miami Dolphins, “I’m fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral.”
I would rather work than do anything else. Recently on a trip to Phoenix, Marita and I had a blowout on her car and had to bump along to a gas station. I had been working on the outlines and notes for my Speakers’ Training Seminar all the way over and was deep in my work. When we got to the garage, I got out of the car with all the folders in my arms and laid them out in numerical order on the hood of the car while the back was being jacked up. All of a sudden, I saw what I was doing. I was so involved in my organization that I couldn’t stop working, and here I was in a strange garage spreading manila folders all over the car while mechanics worked around me. I couldn’t take a rest; I had a compulsion to work.
Powerful Cholerics have to realize that even though we have work, our compulsion for accomplishment puts a terrible pressure on those around us. They are made to feel that if they aren’t driving every minute, they’re second-class citizens. Dorothy Shula must feel something less than a Dolphin. I put pressure on those around me. Powerful Cholerics must work at not becoming workaholics so people can enjoy being with them and not have to run away to keep from having a nervous breakdown.
Solution 4: Plan Leisure Activity
Because Powerful Choleric loves to work even on vacation, other Powerful Cholerics have come up with a new occupation—that of Leisure Time Counselors. It’s only logical that we Powerful Cholerics make a business of our pleasure and hire someone to find fun for us! In an article “They’ll Help Organize Your Leisure Time” (Parade, February 25, 1979), Dr. Chester McDowell, Leisure Lifestyle Consultant, is quoted as saying about us workaholics, “They erect all sorts of barriers that prevent them from enjoying themselves and they feel guilty about leisure. We help break down the barriers.”
Research done on workaholics shows they don’t have the need for diversion that other temperaments do, and they love their work. They do not have any more psychological problems than others—a fact that appears to surprise the researchers who are, no doubt, Perfect Melancholies looking for deep and hidden neuroses.
Powerful Cholerics just like to work.
In an article, “Is Your Fun Too Much Work?” (Parade, October 11, 1981), Madelyn Carlisle asks, “Is your recreation wrecking you? Is it boring you when what you need is stimulation? Is it making you tense when what you seek is relaxation?” She then points out how important it is for everyone to plan some quiet time if their job is active, or some exercise if their job is sedentary. Powerful Cholerics should plan some leisure activity.
REMEMBER
You can relax and not feel guilty.
PROBLEM: Powerful Cholerics Must Be in Control
Solution 1: Respond to Other Leadership
In dealing with extreme Powerful Cholerics, I have found they are comfortable only when in control positions. Marita dated an exceptionally Powerful Choleric young man who was continental and charming. When we would meet him in his area, he would treat us royally, giving expensive pens for table gifts, and tipping the waitress heavily for extra service. When we hosted him in our home, he was ill at ease and not so gracious. As we analyzed this contrast in behavior, we realized he was insecure when not in control.
Powerful Choleric must learn to adapt to social situations and try to relax when he is not in charge. He must let others make decisions and organize functions. He must respond to events he didn’t plan and leadership not of his own choosing.
Solution 2: Don’t Look Down on “The Dummies”
One of the most dramatic weaknesses of Powerful Choleric is his firm conviction that he is right and those who don’t see things his way are wrong. He always knows how to do everything the quickest and the best, and he tells you so. If you don’t happen to respond, you are at fault. Powerful Choleric spends much of his time standing on the top of the world, looking down at what he often calls the “dummies of life.” This superior attitude can do psychological damage to those under Powerful Choleric’s domain.
Because Powerful Choleric values strength in himself, he looks down with little mercy on weaknesses in others. He can’t tolerate sick people, and as one friend told me of her Powerful Choleric husband, “When I’m sick he puts me in bed. He says, ‘Come out when you’re well’ and shuts the door.”
A Powerful Choleric speaker I recently met told me, “I hate insecure people; I just want to shake them.” Not being able to stand weaknesses in others is a major weakness in Powerful Cholerics. They just don’t understand people who aren’t like them and think all others are weak or stupid. It is difficult for the Powerful Choleric to comprehend that not everyone is going to respond to his strong leadership. He expects everyone to get motivated by his programs and inspired by his ideas.
When a Powerful Choleric understands the temperaments, he can tailor his leadership to fit the variety of individuals. When he does not know the temperaments he rallies other Powerful Cholerics to his principles and lets “the dummies” fall by the wayside.
Solution 3: Stop Manipulating
Powerful Choleric has an amazing way of getting others to do things without realizing how they were conned. While Popular Sanguine charms others into waiting on him, Powerful Choleric manipulates. Naturally, a Popular Sanguine/Powerful Choleric combination manipulates in such a charming manner, you think you dreamed up the idea yourself.
When Marita was twelve years old, she wanted to go on a daylong “Jesus March,” and I was resisting her request until I received this note:
How can one oppose the will of God?
Lauren, who is more Powerful Choleric than Marita, is a master manipulator. One day she posed a hypothetical question to me. Her Schnauzer dog, Monie, was in heat, and Lauren asked, “If you were going to have one of Monie’s next puppies, would you prefer I bred her to this great champion I found in Palm Springs, or just to the plain Schnauzer down the street?” I hesitated to answer this question, because I definitely did not want anything that had to be fed or mopped up after. “If I were going to have one (which I’m not), I would definitely want one from a champion versus a plain dog down the street.”
Quickly Lauren agreed. “I knew you’d see it my way. Now on Wednesday, when she must be bred, I will need three hundred and fifty dollars, and you could cover this in one of two ways. You could either give me the money outright, or I could retain the stud fee rights to your puppy, which would make up the difference within a few years.”
I sat dumbfounded. Within two minutes, I had gone from not wanting a puppy under any circumstances to breeding Schnauzers without even getting a stud fee!
Once I regained my composure my Powerful Choleric nature firmly turned down this promising offer, and I felt I had come out on top. But Powerful Cholerics never give up. Lauren bred Monie with the plain dog down the street and gave me a tiny puppy in a box for Christmas.
While these two family stories are humorous, most of Powerful Choleric’s schemes are not so funny. Even though Powerful Choleric seems to get away with his manipulations at the moment, later, when people reflect upon what’s happened, they resent being conned. To keep friends and business associates for any period of time, Powerful Choleric must stop manipulating and become open with others. Powerful Cholerics resist this approach, because much of the joys of triumph are these very scheming conquests. If Powerful Cholerics could only see what an unappealing trait manipulation is, they might consider changing.
REMEMBER
Stop manipulating others and
looking down on “the dummies.”
PROBLEM: Powerful Cholerics Don’t Know How to Handle People
Solution 1: Practice Patience
I love the message in James 1:2, 3: “Is your life full of difficulties and temptations? Then be happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don’t try to squirm out of your problems” (TLB). What a great Scripture for Powerful Cholerics who want everything done their way now, and who try to squirm out of anything that isn’t positive. Powerful Cholerics are impatient by nature, but this weakness can be overcome, once they realize it is a problem.
Since Powerful Cholerics can accomplish more in a shorter time than any other temperament, it is very hard for them to understand why others can’t keep up with them. They feel that quiet people must be stupid and nonaggressive people must be weak. From a position of strength and self-confidence, they judge others to be somehow part of an inferior race.
The greatest value a Powerful Choleric can receive from this study of temperaments is to realize his ability to accomplish and achieve is often a handicap in personal relationships. No one likes a bossy, impatient person who makes him feel insecure. If only Powerful Choleric could let his mind dwell, even momentarily, on the possibility that he might be abrasive to others, he could modify his behavior quickly and really be the great leader he already thinks he is.
Solution 2: Keep Advice Until Asked
Because Powerful Choleric has a compulsion to correct wrongs, he assumes everyone with a problem would love his solution. He feels led to give directions to everyone who needs help, whether or not he has been asked. Our friend John was driving down the hill from the mountains. He noticed the truck in front of him was “dog walking.” That is, listing slightly to one side. Since the truck looked new, John assumed the man had bought a defective truck and would welcome his advice. He drove up beside the truck and started waving at the man to pull over. The man looked and then chose to ignore John, who became insistent by blowing his horn and pointing to the side of the road. Finally the man gave up and pulled over. John explained to the puzzled man, “Your truck is dog walking.”
“It’s what?”
“It’s dog walking. That means you have a bent frame. It must have been dropped in shipment. You take this truck right back to the dealer. They shouldn’t get away with that!”
After having given his directions, he left the man standing, dejected, by his truck. John drove off pleased with what a great help he’d been. Not everyone responds with joy to the Powerful Choleric’s helpful suggestions.
Solution 3: Tone Down Your Approach
In a survey I took at a Personality Plus seminar on what traits people disliked most in others, the winner was bossy. No one liked bossy people. I asked them to write a second list of what negative traits they had, and not one of them was bossy. Isn’t it amazing how we dislike bossy people, and yet not one of us is bossy. The obvious conclusion is that overbearing people don’t see themselves as others see them. They feel they are being helpful and others should be grateful for their instructions.
Because Powerful Choleric thinks so quickly and knows what’s right, he says what comes to his mind, without worrying about how people will take it. He is more concerned with getting things done than with the feelings of others. He feels he’s helping the cause, but those in his way may look at him as bossy.
Powerful Cholerics are not only bossy orally, they are great at writing notes of instruction. One day my Popular Sanguine friend Peggy came over with a clutch of papers in her hand. She was obviously upset as she shoved them at me and said, “Look at what my mother wrote to me! I was using her house while she was away and I was moving, and just look at these notes!” The first paper said:
Peggy, return my red Dansk pot!
(Powerful Cholerics love to underline for emphasis and use exclamation points to show they mean business.)
The second note said:
Peg,
Please remember to turn my furnace off before you leave as it runs up the BILL!!
The third had been taped over the washing machine with two Band—Aids.
Peg,
Turn off the two faucets after washing. If left on, water can leak out all over into the playroom. Also empty fuzz out of the dryer catcher each time!
Since Peggy is Popular Sanguine, she paid no attention to the notes. One day her mother had come by unexpectedly and found the place a mess. She had pinned the final note:
Peg,
I do not like the way I found my house when I returned.
You did not find my broiler dirty (like it was left), nor did you find our burglar alarm off—that is why we have it to protect our property.
I’m very mad as you can well tell!
If you use our home again leave it as you found it.
Love, Mother
While Peggy was upset, I was thrilled with the notes and asked if I could keep them. They are perfect examples of Powerful Choleric instructions, which they feel are justified (and others feel are bossy).
Solution 4: Stop Arguing and Causing Trouble
Because Powerful Choleric knows he’s right, he loves to lead the confused, insecure public into battle—and then win triumphantly. Baiting “the dummies” and proving them wrong becomes a challenging hobby for Powerful Choleric.
Fred’s brother Steve used to study “Words Commonly Mispronounced” in the Reader’s Digest, carry the ripped-out pages in his wallet, and then wait for some innocent soul to make a mistake. Sooner or later someone would fall into the trap, and he would pounce upon that person with glee and say, “I think you will find that you have mispronounced that word.” The victim would stammer as Steve pulled the proof from his wallet, pointed out the correction, and left the person devastated. Only Powerful Cholerics enjoy this ego game of shooting down the pigeons.
Powerful Cholerics love controversy and arguments and whether they play it for fun or for serious, this stirring up problems is an extremely negative characteristic.
REMEMBER
No one likes an impatient, bossy troublemaker.
PROBLEM: Powerful Cholerics Are Right but Unpopular
Solution 1: Let Someone Else Be Right
It is very difficult to counsel Powerful Choleric because he can always prove why what he did was right. Since he is perfect, if it weren’t the correct thing to do, he would not have done it. Powerful Choleric just can’t be wrong. He cannot admit to his inner self that he just might possibly be at fault. This unbending opinion makes dealing with Powerful Choleric close to impossible at times.
My brother Ron told me of an adventure he had with a Powerful Choleric optometrist. He wanted to have a pair of bifocal sunglasses made for his wife. He went to the man who had her prescription and told him what he had in mind. The man countered, “That’s impossible.” My brother, being Powerful Choleric himself, would not give in easily and he pursued his purpose.
“You don’t understand what I’m saying: I want regular sunglasses with her reading prescription on the bottom, so she can look at a magazine while at the pool.”
The man countered with another “That’s impossible.”
My brother continued making logical explanations, and the optometrist refused to budge. Ron finally took the prescription from the man’s hand and said, “I’ll go somewhere else and have this filled.”
Not to be outdone, the man called to Ron on the way out, “If you take that somewhere else and they fill it the way you want it, they’re wrong!”
What a classic example of the Powerful Choleric who knows he’s right.
Solution 2: Learn to Apologize
Because Powerful Choleric knows everything and is convinced he’s always right, he cannot imagine he should ever apologize. He looks at “I’m sorry” as a sign of weakness and avoids its expression as he would a disease. We had a Powerful Choleric young man live with us for a year, and during that time he felt free to criticize us, but never saw that he was any problem. One morning he came out after breakfast was over and started to look for some cold cereal. He took out the one box I had and told me bluntly, “You know I don’t like this kind of cereal. Can’t you ever have anything I like?” He threw the box on the counter and stormed out without eating. Later, young Fred, who was twelve at the time and had witnessed the rejection of Brand X, came up to me quietly in his Perfect Melancholy sensitivity and said, “I want to apologize for Robert. He wasn’t very nice to you about the cereal, but I know he’ll never say he was sorry.”
Fred was right. Robert never apologized, and when he referred to the situation, he called it “the unfortunate misunderstanding you and I had over the cereal.” Powerful Choleric just can’t face the facts and say, “I’m sorry.”
I got on a plane at Palm Springs, and an irate Powerful Choleric man sat down beside me. “Those idiots made me go through the security gate a second time, when all I did was go out to buy a magazine. I told them if I passed once, there was no point in doing it again, but they made me go through anyway.” He was furious, so I didn’t bother to give any opposing views. It is so difficult to counsel or reason with Powerful Cholerics because they know everything, can always place the blame on others, and can rationalize away any fault on their part.
Solution 3: Admit You Have Some Faults
Since Powerful Choleric has the greatest potential as a leader for the greatest causes, he should gain the most from the study of the temperaments. He should be able to take his dynamic strengths of quick, decisive action and move to eradicate his sins of conceit and impatience.
But Powerful Choleric is his own worst enemy. He has tattooed the word strength on his right arm, and he thinks the word weakness belongs only to others. It is this refusal to look at any possible fault in his own makeup that keeps Powerful Choleric from achieving the heights within his grasp.
Shakespeare often wrote of the great hero marred by a tragic flaw. In the Powerful Choleric the tragic flaw is his inability to see that he has any. He is more interested in being right than being popular, and when he takes a stand he is inflexible.
REMEMBER
If only the Powerful Choleric would open his mind
to examine his weaknesses and admit he had a few,
he could become the perfect person he thinks he is.
And don’t forget, Powerful Choleric:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to
cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9