Now that Luna is gone, I'm really starting to notice it. She just fit into our life here. Making dinner without her felt wrong.
In no time, she was packed up and ready to go. It was almost like she was running from something. But I get what she isn't saying. She needs space from me and from us. Though I don't think space is a good thing.
If I know her, she will just get in her head and overthink it all. So much so it could ruin us. That night we shared was magical, and I'd absolutely do it again. She is the one who put up the roadblocks and I let her. While I respect them, I don't want her turning it into something it wasn't. I can't stop her from thinking if she isn't here.
Making dinner tonight had a sad tone to it, and even Izzy picked up on it. It's hitting even more now as I try to put Izzy to bed. She had gotten used to Luna helping me at bedtime. We'd also read the book together doing the voices. Izzy loved it and it always had Luna laughing, which made me smile. It was an all-around good way to end the day.
"I love you Daddy, but you're not as good with the voices as Luna is. Maybe tomorrow night we can call her and have her read them on the phone," Izzy says with all seriousness.
"I don't know, baby. It's going to take Luna a bit to get used to being home again. She has to get back into her own routines."
"Then can we ask her to help read the book?" Izzy asks again.
"Once she is settled, we can ask." I give in because I don't want her to think there is any other reason to not ask.
I read her an extra book to make up for it, even though I know it was not my fault. Once she's finally asleep, I head back downstairs, clean up and get ready for the next day.
Luna and I had a great routine down. I made lunch for her and Izzy and got the coffee ready, while she cleaned up the kitchen. Then I took care of the trash and started some laundry. Now I do it all myself thinking of Luna the whole time until my phone goes off.
Well, at least she is still acting normal, letting me know she got in safe.
I need to find a way to spoil the heck out of that wolf. Since this all happened, he has been great at protecting Luna and her house.
I should be going to bed as well. As I make one last loop around the house, I know I'm just stalling.
Finally, I go upstairs and stop in my doorway. Just looking at my bed, I see her there. The last few nights I've fallen asleep in my chair next to the bed because I haven't wanted to mess up the area she had been in.
Tonight I lie down on the side of the bed where I slept and turn to face the side she was on. I can still smell her there. Right now, right here, I want nothing more than to cuddle with her again. I had no intention of putting a stop to any of this, but she is right about what I said.
I just don't know how to tell her I want more, that I didn't want to stop. She was so relieved when I told her that the person who broke into her house was behind bars that she gave me a happy hug. Even in front of Izzy, it still felt good to have her in my arms.
While I tried to prolong getting her house ready, part of me knew as soon as it was ready she would want to move back into it and I can't blame her. If the situation was reversed, I'd want to be back in my own space as soon as possible too. But I was really hoping for more time, even just through the weekend, so I could better prepare myself for her leaving.
At some point, I fall asleep and dream of her back in my arms. But waking up with her scent surrounding me from the pillow she used is a real mindfuck.
As I work on getting Izzy ready for school, I see Luna in every space of my house. She's enjoying her morning coffee at the dining room table, she's making us pancakes at the stove, cleaning dishes at the sink, reading to Izzy on the couch, and walking through the front door after forgetting her phone in the car.
"Are you okay Daddy?" Izzy asks on the way to school.
"I'm fine peanut. Why?"
"Because you just passed the street that we turned down to go to school, and I'm pretty sure you haven't listened to a word I said the entire way here," she sighs.
"Shit," I say pulling into an abandoned parking lot to make a U-turn.
"Now I know something's wrong because you never cuss unless you're stressed out," she says with a little sass from the back seat.
"Just a lot on my mind is all," I say.
"I don't cuss when I have a lot on my mind, Daddy."
When I see my opening to distract her, I take it.
"You are five. What could you possibly have on your mind?" I ask faking complete shock.
"Oh Daddy, you have no idea," she says, crossing her arms and getting ready to launch into a story just like I had hoped. "There’s who I'm going to sit with at lunch today, who I'm going to play with on the playground, and what if Susie is still mad at Taylor? Then I can't sit with either of them at lunch, which means I have to sit with Ashley. The problem is Ashley's mom packs her smelly lunches, so I really don't want to sit there."
Until we get to the school, she goes on and on about playground drama. Even though I know Luna was probably in her classroom getting ready for the day, I scan the crowd for any glimpse of her I could possibly see.
"Have a good day at school, peanut," I tell her and kiss her before she jumps out of the car.
Then I go home to get some work done, but I can't seem to concentrate on anything. This house is one big reminder of Luna. Deciding to leave early, I head down to the mercantile and get some shopping done before I pick up Izzy.
When I step into the mercantile with the intention of grabbing a cup of coffee first, of course, it's Ruby that's behind the counter.
"You're a real idiot for letting Luna move back home," she tells me as she sets the coffee cup down in front of me.
"I tried to stop her and wanted her to wait until this weekend. Hell I wanted her to wait until Bruce was sentenced and there was no chance of him getting out on parole."
"None of that would have kept her there and you know it. You're telling me the whole time that she was living there nothing happened between the two of you? Nothing that you brushed off and made her think was unimportant? Nothing happened that you made her think you didn't want her?" Ruby says, pouring coffee into the cup.
Ruby has always been the matchmaker around town, and she has this sixth sense when it comes to couples. So it doesn't surprise me that she's seen right through me. Well, either that or it was an incredibly lucky guess.
No matter how she knows, the fact is, she's right. Getting Luna to stay was never about her safety in the house or when she should move back. It was wanting time with her and trying to find a way to tell her that I didn't want to stop. Even more, that I didn't want her in my bed to be a one-time thing.
When the hell did I fall in love with my best friend?
As that question floats through my mind, my knees almost buckle, and I have to grip the counter for support. If she doesn't feel the same way, I am so screwed. I also know I can't do this half-assed either. It's all or nothing.
"Will you pick Izzy up from school today?" I ask Ruby.
"Of course. She can help out around here. Do you have a plan?" Ruby asks with a huge smile on her face.
"I'm working on it." I put the money on the counter for the coffee and head right back to my truck.
If I want my plan to work, I've got to get a move on.