The gentle tapping drew Connie away from her computer and out of her under-stair cupboard. She crept towards the front door and opened it as quietly as she could. Ryan smiled and stepped inside. He knew the drill. Utter silence until they were on the sofa and sure that Noah wasn’t disturbed. He took off his jacket and hung it on the bannister, pulling a chilled bottle of white from the inside pocket. “From the shop,” he mouthed.
Connie crept into the kitchen, trying her best to ensure there was no chinking and clinking as she took the glasses from in between all the other cups and baby beakers. She padded back into the lounge and whispered quietly. “It’s fine, he’s settled. He’s been asleep for over an hour already.”
Ryan lowered himself onto the sofa. “Have you been writing?”
Connie nodded as she unscrewed the bottle top and started to pour.
“Can I read it?”
“No, I’ve written lots since you last read it, it won’t make sense.”
He took the proffered wine glass and signalled towards her workspace. “I just want to read what you’ve written tonight.”
Connie sat down next to him. “Why?”
“Because I’m your friend and I love you.”
“I’ve not printed it off yet.”
“I’ll read it on your computer.”
“No.”
Ryan pushed himself off the sofa and walked towards the cupboard. “Please Connie,” he whispered. “Let me read it on here?”
“No.” Connie stood up and raced around to block his entry. “I thought you came here to chat?”
“I did, but I want to read what you’ve written today.”
“It won’t make sense.”
“Read it out loud then.” He reached down for the bean bag and planted it against the wall beside the open cupboard door.
“Why? I’ll feel silly. You laughed at me last time.”
“I did not. Please, Connie, just a little bit.” He got himself comfy. “Indulge me.”
Connie sighed. “Okay, but then we’re drowning our sorrows in its crapness.”
“Fine,” he nodded.
Connie stepped over the chair and pulled herself into her computer. She scrolled up to the start of a paragraph and took a deep breath. “Just one section.”
“Just tonight’s work.”
She started to read. Her voice was quiet and shy, but her words came out with ease.
‘Why am I turning around? Why am I checking the number? I’ve been standing at the same petrol pump filling my car for the past five minutes. I’ve looked up at the number ten times already, so why am I turning around? I know what the number is. I’m at the counter, I’m ready to pay, yet I can feel myself turning around. Why am I turning around?
I turn around and look back at the large number sticking out over my car. “Pump number five, please.” Why did I need to look? I knew it was pump number five. What could possibly have happened during my walk from the car that would have changed the pump number? It’s the same on an aeroplane, or in the cinema. I know my seat number. I always know my seat number. I’ve studied my seat number. But at the last possible minute I check my seat number once more. Why can’t I be sure? Why can’t I just know?’
Ryan cut in. “Is this Bonnie talking?”
“I guess it’s Bonnie thinking. I think they call it an internal narrative.”
“Why’s Bonnie unsure?”
She stayed facing her computer. “Mark’s told her he’s in love.”
“And she doesn’t believe him?”
“She’s just questioning him, questioning herself.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s who she is.”
Ryan shook his head. “That’s who you are, Connie.”
She turned around. “No, this is Bonnie’s story, not mine.”
“You’re questioning your feelings for Maria and you’re questioning her feelings for you.”
Connie minimised the screen and stood up so suddenly she banged her head. “That’s it, you’re not hearing anymore.”
“I don’t need to. I saw everything I needed to know today.” He dragged the beanbag into the lounge and followed Connie back to the sofa. “You held each other.”
Connie grabbed her glass off the coffee table and took a large gulp of wine. “We did not.”
“You did. You both did. There’s an energy between you.”
“There is not.”
“Connie Parker, put your glass down and look at me.”
“Not when you’re towering over me.”
“Fine.” He sat, pulled her down and tried to snuggle up next to her.
Connie took another huge swig of wine.
“What?”
“You’ve got feelings for her.”
The blush was instant. “I’m going through a separation, I’m obviously just confused.”
“This separation won’t change your life, apart from the fact that you won’t have to cook Karl his tea in the evenings. It’s not that. You knew this was coming. You’re prepared. You know it’s for the best.” He nodded. “This thing with Maria’s totally separate.”
“There is no thing with Maria.”
“She feels it too.”
“She does not.” Connie lifted her eyes and looked at him properly. “How can you tell?”
“Gaydar, darling. The chemistry is visibly fizzing off the pair of you.”
“I’m not a lesbian.”
“Labels do much more damage than good. You like her.”
She took a slow sip of her drink. “Maybe I’m just a bit in awe of her.”
“Her looks? Her house? Her business?”
“No, just her.”
“Oh bless you, darling, I knew this was coming.”
“Since when?”
“Year Eleven prom. I know for a fact you wanted to dance with Joanne Stephens.”
Connie batted his chest. “Not everyone’s a gaybo like you.”
“A gaybo?”
She laughed. “Meant in the kindest possible way.”
“There’s always been something missing with you. This is it.”
“What? Some new found lesbianism?”
“No, Maria.”
Ryan shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what sex she is. You’ve been missing someone like her. She brings out a lovely side in you, Connie.”
“You bring out a lovely side in me, Ryan.”
He laughed. “Never, ever again.”
“Agreed. But you’re wrong. I’m not gay. I’ve never even kissed a woman before.”
“Some people have never tried wine… till they do.”
“I think I’m just a bit intrigued, that’s all.”
“That’s where it always begins, my love.”
She sipped on her wine and grinned. “Maybe there’s a slight crush there.”
“Slight? You were practically humping her on the doorstep.”
“Oh, Ryan, stop it. You’re so mean.”
“That’s why you love me, darling.” He smiled. “Do you need some company this weekend? That’s when he’s moving out isn’t it?”
Connie nodded. “I want to distract Noah. He won’t notice when Karl’s not around in the week, but he might notice this weekend.”
“Karl’s having him next weekend though? And every weekend after that?”
“Yes.”
Ryan sniffed. “How long do you think that will last?”
“I’ve got hope.”
“You’re a better woman than I am. And the house? You’re sure he’s going to pay for everything? Bills? Council tax?”
“Karl does all the finances. He promises me that everything will stay the same.”
“Until he finds out you’re fucking Amal Clooney.”
“He won’t.”
“Why not? Because you’re planning on keeping it quiet?”
“No, because I’d have no clue where to even begin.”
“It’s pretty much what you were doing on the doorstep, but without clothes.”
She laughed. “Can you imagine what she’d be thinking if she could hear us right now?”
“She’d be thrilled.”
“Ryan, she’s a kind woman. She’s taken pity on me, that’s all. I’m just fascinated to be in the company of someone so different.”
“You keep telling yourself that, darling.” He suddenly sat up taller and gasped at a sound from outside. “Shit, the door.”
Connie banged her wine glass onto the table and stood up. “Hi,” she said as Karl entered the house.
Karl didn’t smile. “I didn’t know we had company tonight.”
Ryan waved at Karl. “I was just passing through. Thought I’d pop in. Would you like a glass? It’s been a while since we’ve all caught up.”
Connie saw straight through Ryan’s killing-with-kindness act and stared at him sternly. “You were just heading off, weren’t you?”
Karl cut in. “It’s fine. You two stay in here. I’ll set myself up in the kitchen. I’ve got a bit of work to do anyway.” He managed a half smile at Ryan. “But I will take a glass of that wine with me, if that’s okay?”
The friends watched in disbelief as Karl made his way into the kitchen, returned with a wine glass and allowed Ryan to fill it. He lifted the glass in a salute to Connie and Ryan.
“Cheers,” he said, managing a smile before leaving the room. It was one of the nicest interactions the two men had ever achieved.
“Wow,” mouthed Ryan to Connie, “progress.”
Connie nodded with wide eyes, went into the kitchen and pulled the door to. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Karl yanked off his tie and spoke quietly. “If you have to have a man in the house when I’m not here, then I’d rather it was him.”
Connie nodded. “Got it.”