I knocked twice and pushed the door open. Jake sat on his bed, his shoulders slumped, feet tapping against the stone floor. In that moment, he looked six years old again, devastated that he didn’t have anyone to bring with him to Muffins for Mom Day at school.
I sighed and shuffled into the room, kicking aside the flotsam and jetsam of used clothes until I sank down onto the bed next to him. “It’s weird. Usually Ash is with you.”
“Ash is still being an idiot.” Jake looked up, shoulders hunched. “And you know what? So are you.”
So, we weren’t going to take our time with this, were we? I cleared my throat. “About what you saw—”
“You’re killing yourself.”
That might not have hurt if it had been a little further off the mark. This was the part where I should have argued that I knew what I was doing, that it was fine … but I couldn’t scrape together enough energy for the lie. “I never meant for it to turn out this way.”
“But it did!” Jake turned to me, his eyes wide and red rimmed. “It’s them, right? The fairies? The ones who took Mom and hurt Dad?”
At this point, it was going to be pretty useless to try to hide it from him. I counted to ten, fingers curling into fists. “Jake, I’m just trying to keep everyone safe.”
“Right,” he snorted, clenching his jaw and shaking his head. “Like that matters. The second they show up, it’s just you trying to keep everything from us like everyone does.”
That stung more than it should have.
“Jake—”
“Doesn’t it bother you that Ash and I don’t have any memories of Mom? Not one.” Tears shone in his eyes, threatening to spill over the edge and onto his burning cheeks. “It’s like you and Dad have one reality and Ash and I have another. And you don’t even care that we’re left out of it because you’re still so focused on that place and those things!”
He sucked in a shuddering breath and scrubbed his face with one hand, smearing the tears over his face. I reached out and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. He felt like stone under a soft layer of threadbare cotton. It took a few tugs before, at last, he relented enough to let me pull him to my side. He didn’t fit the way he had a few years ago. Too tall. Too strong. Everything was changing and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Jake sniffled. “You can’t go, too,” he whispered.
I rested my chin against his head and squeezed his arm. “I’m not going anywhere, Jake.”
“You’re going to college,” he bit out. “You’re just going to ditch us as soon as you can. And then I’m going to be alone.”
“No,” I insisted. “You’ve got Ash, remember?”
“Ash barely talks to me anymore.”
Right. I barely even managed to greet him in the hall these days. How much harder did that have to be for Jake?
“What’s going on with him?”
Jake clenched his jaw. “So, you suddenly care.”
“Jake, I do care.”
“Just not enough to tell me anything.” He sniffed. “We were working on a project together. It didn’t go the way he wanted. So he decided to keep doing it on his own. Then the house was gone. He’s pissed. About everything. And you know what? So am I.”
I thought back to the lost kid curled up in the hall, holding a box of ruined belongings. No. Not just a lost kid. These days, Ash was like a wounded animal who’d bite you even if you tried to help.
“I’m sorry this has happened. Can I ask what the project was?”
“No.” Jake ground his teeth, glaring at the wall.
“Is he getting into fights?”
“I dunno.” He paused. “He let me bring him some ointment, though, so I guess it’s getting better.”
I gave him a weak smile. Maybe it wasn’t too late to start bridging this gap. “You know, when I was just a kid and got scared, Mum would sing this song—”
“Don’t you think it’s a little late to start talking to me about her?” Jake snapped, and it was like a slap to the face. My breath caught in my throat. This wasn’t my Jake. He was the quiet one. He was the sensible one.
What was happening to my family?
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was too late. But I had to try. “Look, Jake, even when I leave, things are going to be better. Safer. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Unless you do something stupid,” he snapped. “We know you’ve been doing this for years, Bryn. We just never told because … because we felt safer knowing you were out there. But now we’re going to lose you just like Mom. We just want all of this to end already!”
It was like whiplash. Jake was upset about me going to college, about Ash, about the danger, about Mum, and God even knew what else. My head spun just trying to keep up with it.
I took a deep breath. “I can’t promise it’s not going to get scary. These Fae … They’re dangerous. I don’t want you or Ash going anywhere near them. But I’m going to stop them from coming for us again. And then Ash is going to pull his head out of his butt, and everything’s going to be good, okay?”
Jake bit his lip, but he nodded as he pressed his wet face to my shoulder. I wrapped my other arm around him.
“I know Ash is being a butt right now, but we’re all going through some stuff. And I’m still here.” I paused. There was a niggling itch in the back of my brain. I was going to be gone this time next year. Dad would never let the boys work with Gooding. Not now.
We sat like that for what felt like ages until, at last, Jake pulled away and curled up against his pillow. My cue to leave.
When all this was over, I’d find a way to make it up to him. I’d teach them everything they needed to know.
SLEEPING THAT NIGHT wasn’t easy. A couple of months ago, my life had been so much easier. Now Ash was angry with everyone. Jake was terrified. Gwen was hurt. And I had Dom and Jasika to muddy the waters even more.
My thoughts circled around to that over and over and every time, all I could do was bury my face in my pillow and try not to groan too loudly. I hadn’t known Jasika even liked girls. Was she a lesbian? Bi? Pan? Did it even matter? It was just a kiss. A stupid kiss, and she’d only done it because she got good news and I happened to be there.
And yet, all I could feel were butterflies and the echo of her warmth on my skin. I really, really wanted to love that kiss, but all I could feel was guilt. There was no unseeing Gwen’s face in that moment.
I sucked in a deep breath and grabbed my glass of water.
“Gwen,” I whispered into the water, willing her to hear me. Willing it to work. The seconds ticked by, and there wasn’t so much as a ripple, no matter how much I wanted one. I scrambled through my backpack, dropping an Altoid and a hardened butterscotch candy in. Still, even as they dissolved, nothing.
Tiny claws scratched against the stone floor.
“M-Missy,” Marshmallow said in a small voice. “The water wives will be hiding, Missy. I think the nasty queen saw them before your friend broke the mark on your back.”
“And they have to protect themselves,” I murmured. I wrapped my arms around my middle and squeezed my eyes shut, but it didn’t stop the feeling of glass tearing up my insides. I wouldn’t have the chance to explain. Gwen was never going to forgive me.
Tiny arms hugged me with a strength that defied their small size. But all that did was squeeze the tears out of me.
“It’s okay, Missy,” Marshmallow whispered. “Miss Gwen will come back. You’ll see.”
But what if she didn’t? Had I finally managed to break her heart after all this time? My oldest friend in this country, and she probably thought I’d gone and dragged some girlfriend to the lake to make out in front of her. Oh God. Oh God, I was going to be …
The bin appeared almost instantly below my mouth, and just in time. I felt the cool touch of spindly fingers on my forehead and the base of my neck. Made it all a little bit more bearable. But not by much.