Chapter 12 Weddings

12.01 Replying to an Invitation

12.02 Arriving at the Reception

12.03 Leaving the Reception

12.04 Wedding Speeches

12.05 Giving a Formal Speech

12.06 Giving an Informal Speech (1)

12.07 Giving an Informal Speech (2)

12.08 Proposing the Toast

12.09 Taboo Words

12.10 Sending a Telegram

12.11 Epigrams

12.12 Words and Expressions

Chapter12

Weddings

If you’re invited to a wedding, you’ll probably not witness the ceremony itself, which is generally a private affair involving only the two families. (Sometimes the couple will have been officially married months before, since all that's required is that both parties submit the paperwork and register the marriage (seki o ireru). Your invitation will be for the reception, or hirōen, which means “announcement.” It’s a formal announcement to society that the marriage has taken place. It’s not uncommon to have several receptions. If the two families live far apart, for example, receptions will be held in both communities.

In earlier times, the two families gathered at the bridegroom’s home to wait for the bride, who would arrive hours behind schedule. The lively celebrations that followed the simple, private wedding ceremony went on late into the night and the festivities continued for days, during which several receptions were held to introduce the new couple to the various groups in the community.

The marriage ceremony today usually takes place an hour or so before the reception in a small Shinto shrine or Christian-style chapel within the hotel or wedding hall. In a Shinto wedding, the ceremony begins with the priest waving his staff of white paper strands over the assembly as he invokes the gods with prayers. After the couple exchange wedding rings, the groom reads a pledge that is similar to the vows of a Christian marriage. To solemnize the marriage, the couple sip saké from a set of three flat cups. Christian weddings, performed with the traditional vows and hymns, are also popular although, in most cases, the bride and groom have no connection with any particular church or religion.

As mentioned earlier, giving money at weddings is a custom that started in poorer days when friends and relatives of the two families contributed to lighten the financial burden. The money that guests take to weddings nowadays is meant to cover the cost of the meal and the gift they will receive, and hopefully leave some over. The going rate is 20,000 yen per guest but get advice from Japanese friends who are going. Wrap your contribution to the ceremony in one of the special envelopes beautifully decorated with gold, silver and red macramé.

People do give wedding presents either instead of or as well as money. If you balk at giving money and feel strongly that you want to give a more personal gift, one compromise might be to give a small, personal gift beforehand (get it sent in advance), and after consultation with others attending the wedding, take a modest sum of money to the reception.

Wedding receptions these days are a lot less formal than they used to be, typified by a new trend for “house weddings” where the party will have private use of a guesthouse for a smaller, more personal reception. Nonetheless the ceremony will begin with a formal announcement that the marriage ceremony has been solemnized and brief personal histories of both partners. Then there will be speeches, often by the bosses of the bride and the groom, stressing the reliability of the two partners and hopes for a good marriage or akarui katei. These speeches tend to be stiff and formal, and not until the toast, which precedes the feast, does the party begin.

Whatever the venue, the whole proceedings will be highly orchestrated and professional. Not only does the meal have many courses of the best cuisine, but the two stars of the show make dramatic entrances, changing costumes once or twice within the span of a few hours. The cutting of the cake and the multi-media presentations are all well done. It’s an experience not be missed.

12.01 Replying to an Invitation

A reply card is usually sent with the invitation. Fill in your name, address, and whether or not you will attend. Cross out the respectful prefix go since you are referring to yourself. You can also add a few words of congratulation or, in the case of a refusal, a short explanation and apology.

Accepting an Invitation

Shusseki: Yorokonde shusseki sasete itadakimasu.

Will attend: I look forward to attending.

Declining an Invitation

Kesseki: Tōjitsu wa Amerika ni kaette orimasu no de shitsurei sasete itadakimasu. Omedetō gozaimasu. O-shiawase ni.

Will not attend: I will be back in the United States that day and regret that I will not be able to attend. Congratulations. I wish you much happiness.

12.02 Arriving at the Reception

On the day of the reception, dress in your finery; heifuku (平服 which means “everyday clothes”) on an invitation should not be taken literally. Because there are preliminaries to be completed, arrive at the venue about fifteen minutes before the announced time. At the reception desk, present your money in its special envelope and sign the guest book. If you have sent a gift instead of giving money, explain the situation to the people at the desk:

• O-iwai o okurimashita no de.
お祝いを贈りましたので。
I have already sent a gift.

As you enter the banquet room, greet the bride and groom and both sets of parents who will all be waiting at the entrance. Bow or shake hands and offer your congratulations to all concerned:

• Omedetō gozaimasu.
おめでどうございます。
Congratulations.

You could compliment the bride:

• O-kirei desu ne.
おきれいですね。
You look lovely.

12.03 Leaving the Reception

The same group will see you out as you leave. It is then appropriate to wish the bride and groom every happiness:

• O-shiawase ni.
お幸せに。
I wish you every happiness.

You can also thank and/or compliment the parents:

• Subarashii hirōen deshita.
すばらしい披露宴でした。
It was a wonderful reception.

12.04 Wedding Speeches

The formal atmosphere at the beginning of a Japanese wedding reception can be unnerving to anyone who has to make a speech. Remember that the first few speeches are ceremonial. If you are the boss of the bride or the groom, you may well be one of the first to speak. If so, your speech must be very well prepared.

Comments alluding to marriage as being one foot in the grave and jokes of that ilk are out of place at this stage of a Japanese wedding. The whole tone must be felicitous. It is customary to eulogize the bride and groom as paragons of beauty, talent, and intelligence. Check your speech too for taboo words (see p. 246).

A toast comes after the last main speech, and this is followed by more frank and amusing speeches given by friends of the bride and groom. Some incident that throws light on the bride or groom’s personality, or some explanation of how they met provides a welcome contrast to the polite clichés that characterize the formal speeches before the toast.

Foreigners are frequently invited to Japanese weddings and asked to give speeches even though they may have only a casual acquaintance with the bride or the groom; the intention is often to give the wedding an “international” flavor. If you are giving a speech, start with some conventional words of congratulation and speak slower than usual so the audience can adjust to the fact that you are speaking Japanese. Although jokes should be used with discretion, a few phrases or epigrams in English often prove popular. You can even opt out of speaking Japanese altogether and sing a song instead. Do not dismiss this out of hand as the audience will certainly enjoy it and there may well be singing later on in the proceedings.

12.05 Giving a Formal Speech

This speech, suitable if you are a main guest, shows the kind of sentiments one is expected to express and the kind of language to use. After a few words of congratulation the speaker, who is the bride’s boss, introduces himself and praises the bride’s personality and accomplishments. Although he finishes with a play on words, he is careful to maintain a formal tone throughout the speech.

Takuya-san, Yumi-san, soshite go-ryōke no minasama, ome detō gozaimasu.

Kokoro kara o-yorokobi o mōshi-agemasu.

Watakushi wa shinpu no tsutomete oraremasu Ekoshisutemu no Nihon manējā no Tērā de gozaimasu. Honjitsu wa o-maneki itadakimashite, kōei ni zonjimasu.

Yumi-san wa watakushidomo no kaisha ni haitte sannen ni narimasu ga, tonikaku akaruku, shokuba no mūdo mēkā desu. Mochiron shigoto no men de mo sekkyokuteki de, eigyō shien ya kokyaku taiō de, iwaba kaisha no saizensen to mo ieru bunya de katsuyaku shite irasshaimasu. Kore kara mo sono chikara o ōi ni kitai shite orimasu.

Kyō, Yumi-san no utsukushii hana-yome sugata o haiken itashimashite, kangeki shite orimasu.

Shigoto to katei no ryōritsu wa dono kuni de mo kantan na mono de wa arimasen.

Takuya-san to Yumi-san wa chikara o awasete, jikan o yūkō ni katsuyō shite, enman na katei o kizuite itadakitai mono desu.

Kongo mo Yumi-san wa shain no yoki senpai to shite, shigoto to katei no baransu o umaku totte ganbatte hoshii, mata sapōto shite ikitai to kangaete imasu.

Saigo ni, kekkon wa chōki tōshi de ari, aijō o kotsu-kotsu tsumitatenai to manki ni wa narimasen. Dōka, o-futaritomo “tanki” * o okosanaide, shōrai no ōki na minori o uketotte kudasai.

Kyō wa hontō ni omedetō gozaimasu.

拓也さん、有美さん、そしてご両家のみなさま、おめでどうござ います。

心からお喜びを申し上げます。

私は新婦の勤めておられますエコシステムの日本マネジャー のテーラーでございます。本日はお招きいただきまして、光栄 に存じます。

有美さんは私どもの会社に入って3年になります力\どにかく 明るく、職場のムードメーカーです。もちろん仕事の面でも積 極的で、営業支援や、顧客対応で、いわば会社の最前線ども 言える分野で活躍していらっしゃいます。これからも、その力 を大いに期待しております。

きょう、有美さんの美しい花嫁姿を拝見いたしまして、感激し ております。

仕事ど家庭の両立はどの国でも簡単なものではありません。

拓也さんど有美さんは、力を合わせて、時間を有効に活用して、 円満な家庭を築いていただきたいものです。今後も、有美さん は社員のよき先輩どして、仕事ど家庭のバランスをうまくどって、 がんばってほしい、またサポートしていきたいど考えています。

最後に、結婚は長期投資であり、愛情をこつこつ積み立てない ど満期にはなりません。どう力、、お二人ども「短期」*を起こさ ないで、将来の大きな実を受け取ってください。 今日は、本当におめでどうございます。

* This is a pun on the word tanki, which means both “impatient” (短気) and “short-term” (短期).

Takuya, Yumi, and both families, congratulations. I offer my sincere congratulations.

My name is Taylor and I am the manager of the Japan office of Eco-Systems, where the bride is employed. It is a great honor to be invited here today.

Yumi joined our company three years ago. She’s very cheerful, in fact she sets the mood in the office. Of course she’s very positive in her work too. She’s active at the very forefront of the company in sales support and customer response. I have great hopes of her in the future.

I am very moved today to see Yumi on her wedding day looking so lovely.

Managing both work and a family is not easy in any country. We all want Takuya and Yumi to work together to make best use of their time to build a happy household. I hope Yumi will be a good role model for people in the company in creating a good balance between work and family. And I would like to support her in this.

Finally, marriage is a long-term investment that doesn’t reach maturity unless there are regular additional instalments of affection. May you both temper your impatience,* and enjoy the fruits of your investment for many years to come.

As for today, my sincerest congratulations!

12.06 Giving an Informal Speech (1)

This lively, cheerful speech is given by a female friend of the bride.

Yumi-san, Takuya-san, omedetō gozaimasu.

Kyō wa o-maneki itadaki, arigatō gozaimashita.

Watashi wa, Yumi-san no yūjin de, Kimu Yun Hii to iimasu. Kankoku shusshin desu.

Kyō, o-iwai no kotoba o sasete itadakimasu.

Yumi-san wa kappatsu na akarui josei desu. Soshite kyō, go-ran no yō ni utsukushii josei de mo arimasu.

Sore kara, rekishi ga asai no desu ga, o- ryōri wa totemo jōzu desu. Motomoto amari ryōri ni kanshin o motanai hito deshita ga, rokkagetsu hodo mae desho ka? Ryōri gakkō ni kayou yō ni narimashita. Soshite, ii resutoran o sagashidashi, watashi o sasottari shite, shokuji o shinagara, tanoshiku ryōri no hanashi o suru yō ni narimashita.

Sono henshin ni tsuite, saisho wa yoku rikai dekimasen de shita ga, sūkagetsu mae ni subete ga akiraka ni narimashita. Takuyasan to no majika na kekkon ga sono haikei ni arimashita.

Dōka, futari de oishii o-ryōri o tanoshinde, ii omoide o tsukuri, shiawase na katei o tsukutte kudasai.

Hontō ni kyō wa omedetō gozaimasu. Itsumademo o-shiawase ni.

有美さん、拓也さん、おめでどうございます。

今日は、お招きいただき、ありがどうございました。

私は、有美さんの友人で、金英姫どいいます。韓国出身です。

今日、お祝いの言葉をさせていただきます。

有美さんは活発な明るい女性です。そして今日、ご覧のように 美しい女性でもあります。

それから、歴史が浅いのです力\お料理はどても上手です。

もどもどあまり料理に関心を持たない人でした力\ 6ヶ月ほど 前でしょう力、。料理学校に通うようになりました。そして、いい レストランを探し出し、私を誘ったりして、食事しながら、楽し く料理の話しをするようになりました。

その変身について、最初はよく理解できませんでした力\数か 月前にすべてが明らかになりました。拓也さんどの間近な結 婚がその背景にありました。

どう力、、二人でおいしいお料理を楽しんで、いい思い出をつく り、幸せな家庭を作ってください。

本当に今日はおめでどうございます。いつまでもお幸せに。

Congratulations, Yumi and Takuya. Thank you for inviting me today.

I am a friend of Yumi’s and my name is Kim Young Hee. I’m from South Korea.

Today I would like to say a few words of congratulation.

Yumi is a lively and cheerful woman, and as we can see today, also very beautiful.

And, though this is quite recent, she’s a very good cook.

She was never very interested in food but, was it about six months ago? She started to go to cookery school. And she would search out good restaurants, invite me along, and whilst we were eating she would enjoy talking about cooking.

At first I couldn’t understand this change in her, but then a few months ago all was revealed. Her impending marriage to Takuya was the reason behind this.

May you both enjoy good cooking, make good memories and build a happy family.

Congratulations to you both today. I wish you every happiness always.

12.07 Giving an Informal Speech (2)

Lin gives this speech as a friend of the bridegroom.

Takuya-san, Yumi-san, go-kekkon omedetō. Watashi wa shinro Itō-kun no yūjin no Rin Bun Ho desu. Kyō wa o-maneki itadaki, arigatō gozaimasu. Hajimete Nihon no kekkon-shiki ni shusseki shimasu no de, kore wa subarashii keiken desu.

Sate, toki wa sakunen no shichigatsu. Jitaku no hōmu pātei de, aru wakai otoko ga yūki o motte gaishikei kinmu no kawaii hito ni eigo de iroiro shitsumon shite imasu. Kaiwa wa migoto ni hazumimasu. Nanto subarashii eigo no jōtatsu darō to watashi wa kangeki shimashita. Kono toki no futari ga hoka de mo arimasen. Genzai watashitachi no mae de sakan ni terete iru shinrōshinpu na no desu. Sono ato watashi wa Chūgoku e modorimashita kara, dō natta no ka yoku shirimasen ga, kare to kanojo wa sono natsu no aida ni o-atsuku natta yō desu.

Tomodachi ni yoreba, kekkon wa atsui o-furo no yō na mono da sō desu. Haitte shimau to, sore-hodo atsui mono de wa arimasen! Shikashi karera wa Nihon no oidaki-buro no koto wa shiranai no desu! Dōka, Takuya, Yumi-san. Nihon-jin no ai no bānā o tsukatte, o-futari no kekkon o itsumademo atsui mono ni shite kudasai. Dōzo, o-shiawase ni.

拓也さん、有美さん、ご結婚おめでどう。私は新朗伊藤君の 友人の林文宝です。今日は、お招きいただき、ありがどうござ います。はじめて、日本の結婚式に出席しますので、これは素 隋しい経験です。

さて、時は昨年の7月。自宅のホー厶パーテイで、ある若い男 力湧気をもって外資系勤務のかわいい人に英語でいろいろ質 問しています。会話は見事に弾みます。何ど素隋らしい英語の 上連だろうど私は感激しました。この時の二人が他でもありま せん。現在私たちの前で盛んにてれている新朗、新婦なので す。その後、私は中国へ戻りましたから、どうなったのかよく知 りませんが、彼ど彼女はその夏の間にお熱くなったようです。

友連によれば、結婚は熱いお風呂のようなものだそうです。 入ってしまえば、それほど熱いものではありません。しかし、 彼らは日本の追いだき風呂のこどは知らないのです。どう力、、 拓也、有美さん、日本人の愛のバーナーを使って、お二人の結 婚をいつまでも熱いものにしてください。どうぞ、お幸せに。

Takuya, Yumi, congratulations on your wedding day! I am a friend of Ito’s, the groom, and my name is Lin Wenbao. Thank you very much for inviting me today. This is the first Japanese wedding I have ever attended and it is a wonderful experience.

Let me take you back to July last year. At a party at my house a young man bravely asks a sweet woman who works at a foreign company questions in English. The conversation is wonderfully animated. I marvel at their progress in English. These two were none other than the bride and groom, who are looking extremely embarrassed right now! Soon after that I returned to China and don’t really know what happened, but it seems that things really heated up between them during that summer.

My friends tell me that marriage is like a hot bath; it’s not so hot once you’re in it! But they don’t know about the Japanese bath, which can be heated up whenever it cools. Takuya, Yumi, may you use the Japanese burner of love to heat your marriage forever. I wish you every happiness.

12.08 Proposing the Toast

The toast marks the end of the ceremonial speeches and the start of the wedding feast. If you wish, add a few words of introduction to the following toast.

Dewa kanpai no ondo o torasete itadakimasu. Takuya-san, Yumi-san, kyō wa omedetō gozaimasu. Sara ni, Itō-ke, Satō-ke no masu-masu no go-han’ei, awasete go-rinseki no minasama no go-kenshō o kinen itashimashite, kanpai o itashimasu! Kanpai!

では、乾杯の音頭をどらせていただきます。拓也さん、有美さ ん、今日はおめでどうございます。更に、伊藤家、佐藤家のま すますのご繁栄、あわせてご臨席の皆様のご健勝を祈念いた しまして、幸乞杯をいたします。カンパイ！

I would like to propose a toast: To Takuya and Yumi on this happy day. To the prosperity of the Ito and Sato families, and to the good health of us all. Congratulations!

12.09 Taboo Words

The use of certain words, imi kotoba, during weddings is believed to be unlucky. This superstition dates from the Heian period, became widespread in the fifteenth century, and survives even today. These words are shunned because of their associations with an unsuccessful marriage. For example, kiru (to cut) is not used because of its connotations with en o kiru (to break off a relationship); kyonen (last year) because it is written with the character meaning to leave; and kurikaesu (to repeat) because it hints at divorce and remarriage.

Following is a list of common taboo words, and for some of them, appropriate substitutes.

	TABOO WORD	MEANING	SUBSTITUTE WITH
kyonen	去年	last year	昨年 sakunen
kaeru	帰る	to leave	中座•失礼する chūza or shitsurei suru
kiru	切る	to cut	ナイフを入れる naifu o ireru
owari	終わり	end, close	お開き o-hiraki
saru	去る	to leave	avoid
wakareru	別れる	to part	avoid
modoru	炅る	to return	avoid
yaburu	破る	to break	avoid
kuri-kaesu	繰り返す	to repeat	avoid
akiru	あきる	to become bored	avoid
tabi-tabi	たびたび	again and again	avoid
mō ichido	もう一度	once more	avoid

12.10 Sending a Telegram

If you cannot attend a wedding, you might consider sending a telegram. Internet sites have hundreds of examples. Here’s a selection:

• Go-kekkon omedetō gozaimasu.
ご糸吉女昏おめでどうございます。
Congratulations on your marriage.

• Go-kekkon o shukushi, sue-nagaku sachi ōkare to inorimasu.
ご結婚を祝し、末永く幸多かれど祈ります。
Congratulations on your marriage, and much happiness always.

• Omedetō. Suteki na o-futari ni kanpai.
おめでどう。すてきなお二人にカンパイ！
Congratulations. A toast to a wonderful couple!

• Yorokobi ippai shiawase ippai no ima no kimochi itsumademo.
喜びいっぱい幸せいっぱいの今の気持ちいつまでも。
May the joy and happiness you feel today last forever.

12.11 Epigrams

Here are some epigrams, with translations, just for fun.

• Kekkon seikatsu wa ōku no kutsū o motsu ga, dokushin seikatsu wa yorokobi o motanai.
結婚生活は多くの苦痛を持つが、独身生活は喜びを持 たない。
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has few pleasures. (Samuel Johnson)

• Yoki otto wa yoki tsuma o tsukuru.
よき夫はよき妻をィ乍る。
A good husband makes a good wife. (Robert Burton)

• Josei wa rikai subeki mono dewa naku, ai subeki mono de aru.
女性は理解すべきものではなく、愛すべきものである。
Women are meant to be loved, not understood. (Oscar Wilde)

• Kekkon-mae wa ryōme o ake, kekkon shitara katame o tsubure.
結婚前は両目を開け、結婚したら片目をつぶれ。
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half-shut afterwards. (Anonymous)

12.12 Words and Expressions

konyaku	婚約	engagement
yuinō	結納	betrothal present or ceremony
o-yome ni iku	お嫁にいく	to get married (woman)
kekkon todoke	結婚届け	marriage certificate
seki o ireru	籍を入れる	to register a marriage
kekkonshiki	結婚式	wedding
shinzen kekkonshiki	神前結婚式	Shinto wedding
san-san-ku-do	三三九度	part of the marriage rite in which the couple exchanges saké cups
kirisutokyō kekkonshiki	キリスト教 結婚式	Christian wedding
shinrō/hanamuko	新朗•花婿	bridegroom
shinpu/hanayome	新婦•花嫁	bride
kekkon hirōen	結婚披露宴	wedding reception
kekkon iwai	結婚祝い	wedding present or money donation
hikidemono	引き出物	gift for a guest
go-ryōke	ご両家	the two families
shuhin	主賓	main guest
kinen shashin	記念写真	(wedding) photograph
o-ironaoshi	お色直し	bride’s change of costume
shukuji	祝辞	wedding speech
shukuden	祝電	congratulatory telegram
rikon	離婚	divorce