Chapter 13 Funerals

13.01 Being Informed of a Death

13.02 Visiting the Home

13.03 Offering Incense

13.04 Expressing Your Condolences

13.05 Sending a Telegram

13.06 Offering Branches of Sakaki

13.07 Writing a Letter of Sympathy

13.08 Words and Expressions

Chapter13

Funerals

Not so long ago a death was an occasion for the community to come together. Friends and acquaintances who lived nearby would rush to the house to offer condolences, often showing great emotion. Close relatives would take several days off work to help with the funeral arrangements, and children were automatically excused from school for a prescribed number of days. The wives in the neighborhood would take over the kitchen and prepare mainly vegetarian food for the family in mourning and for the many visitors who would come to pay their respects. During this period, the house would be a hive of activity. There is a saying that a grandparent’s funeral is a grandchild’s festival (Jiji-baba no sōshiki wa mago no matsuri).

Today the ceremonies are more likely to be held at a funeral parlor, which will handle all the arrangements. The descriptions in this chapter describe such a funeral. Perhaps the only vestige of the community pitching in to help is the custom of mourners contributing money towards the expenses of the funeral. But even this is giving way to a new trend for smaller, more personal funerals for close friends and family.

Generally speaking, when a person dies in Japan, the body is brought as soon as possible to the house, or to the funeral parlor, and laid out with the head to the north, a direction usually avoided when sleeping. The body is dressed in a white kimono worn right over left instead of the usual left over right, and given a purse containing the fare for the ferry across the Buddhist version of the River Styx (Sanzu no kawa), and a walking stick and straw sandals for the arduous journey to paradise. Watch the film Departures (Okuribito) for a glimpse of what goes on behind the scenes.

The wake takes place the same day or the next day and is a religious service starting at about six or seven in the evening. The funeral, usually occurring the following day, is a brief, private service held in the home, at a temple, or at a funeral home. In Japan cremation is the norm, and the family returns from the crematory with the urn of ashes and places it on a specially erected altar. Next, a general memorial service is usually held. This can be the same day, or several days or even months later. According to Buddhist practices, mourning lasts for forty-nine days, and sometime during this period the ashes are interred in the family grave.

If the deceased was a close friend or a business acquaintance, you must decide whether to attend the wake, the memorial service, or both. For the memorial service, mourning clothes should be worn. This means black suit and tie for men, and black suit or dress with plain, black shoes and purse for women. Jewelry should not be worn, except for pearls. Unless you have heard that offerings will not be accepted (go-jitai mōshiagemasu), you should prepare an offering in a special envelope used for funerals. These are either made out of a stiff white paper folded and tied elegantly with black and silver strings or printed with this design and are sold at stationers and convenience stores. Those marked (go-reizen— before the spirit of the departed) are for any funeral regardless of religion, and those marked (go-butsuzen— before the Buddha) are for Buddhist memorial services after the forty-ninth day. The amount you give depends on your relationship to the deceased; most people enclose five or ten thousand yen. Check with a friend as the amount depends on your relationship with the deceased and on the region. You will receive a small token gift in return.

When you arrive at the memorial service, present your donation at the reception table and write your name and address in the guest book. Next, turn to the family of the deceased, who will be lined up to receive the mourners. You can bow, shake hands, or express your regret in English or Japanese, anything that comes naturally.

Envelope for offering at a funeral

The room where the service is held will have a photograph of the deceased and, under it, the box containing the urn of ashes, or the coffin. The display will be richly decorated with flowers. The service begins with a religious ceremony lasting for about thirty minutes and is followed by short eulogies addressed to the deceased. After speeches of thanks by the chairman of the funeral committee and by the chief mourner, the general mourners file up to offer either incense or flowers. At Shinto funerals, which are rare, branches of sakaki さかき (Cleyera japonica) are offered.

Attending funerals is considered very important and most companies’ work rules allow staff time off for mourning which is calculated separately from annual paid leave. Also, Japanese frequently attend services for a parent or even a grandparent of an acquaintance, even though they may never have met the deceased. If the deceased was your friend or a business acquaintance with whom you had regular contact, you should at least make an effort to attend the memorial service.

13.01 Being Informed of a Death

A mutual acquaintance will probably inform you by telephone that someone has died. You might want to find out what that person intends to do and then ask if you may go along.

KATO:

Kato desu ga. Takahashi-buchō no otōsan ga kyō nakunararetan’ desu yo.

加藤ですが。高橋部長のお父さんが今日亡くなられたん ですよ。

This is Kato. Did you hear that Takahashi’s father died today?

MICHAEL:

Sore-wa sore-wa.

それはそれは。

I am sorry to hear that.

KATO:

Sore-de, o-tsuya wa kyō no roku-ji-han ni go-jitaku de okonawareru yō da ga, kokubetsu-shiki wa jūyokka no gogo ni-ji ni Dai-ichi Kaikan de okonau yotei da sō desu.

それで、お通夜は今日の6時半にご自宅で行われるよう だが、告別式は14曰の午後2時に第一会館で行う予定だ そうです。

The wake will be held today at 6:30 at the house and the memorial service at 2:00 on the fourteenth at the Daiichi Hall.

MICHAEL:

Sō desu ka. Arigatō gozaimasu. Kato-san wa dō shimasu ka?

そうですか。ありがどうございます。加藤さんはどうします力、。

Thank you for letting me know. What do you plan to do?

KATO:

Sō desu ne. Kokubetsu-shiki dake ni deyō to omotte imasu ga,

そうですね。告別式だけに出ようど思っていますが、

Well, I thought I’d just go to the memorial service.

MICHAEL:

Sō desu ka? Ja, sashi-tsukae ga nakereba, issho ni itte mo ii deshō ka?

そうですか。じや、差し支えがなければ、一緒に行ってもい いでしょう力、。

I see. If it’s not a problem, could I go with you?

KATO:

Sō desu ne. Jā, ichi-ji yonjuppun ni kaijō no robii de aimashō.

そうですね。じや、1時40分に会場のロビーで会いましょう。

Not at all. Let’s meet in the lobby of the venue at 1:40.

MICHAEL:

Arigatō gozaimasu. O-negai shimasu.

ありがどうございます。お願いします。

Thank you. I appreciate it. (lit. I request.)

KATO:

Shitsurei shimasu.

失礼します。

Goodbye.

13.02 Visiting the Home

If a neighbor, a close friend, or a relative of a close friend dies, you can go at any time to the house to express your condolences. Take a gift of flowers, fruit or cakes; in return, you will probably receive a small gift. Tell the shop assistant that your purchases are for a home altar and they will be wrapped appropriately:

• Butsudan ni agetain’ desu ga,
仏壇に上げたいんですが、
They’re for a home altar.

When you reach the house, you will be ushered into a room that the undertakers have transformed with yards of white material. There will be an altar, a photograph of the deceased, candles, and offerings of fruit and cakes. You should bow to the bereaved present your gift, and say the following:

• Goshūshō-sama de gozaimasu. Go-reizen ni dōzo.
ご愁傷様でございます。ご靈前にどうそ。
You have my deepest sympathy. This is for the spirit of the departed.

Then proceed to the altar. After bowing your head in prayer, look briefly at the photograph of the deceased. If you wish, you can offer incense. Bow once more, turn to the family, bow, and leave.

13.03 Offering Incense

At the wake and memorial service, people offer incense when paying respects to the deceased. If incense sticks are used, follow this procedure:

1. Bow. Take one or more sticks of incense and light them from the candle.
2. Fan sticks with the left hand to extinguish. Do not blow!
3. Stand the sticks separately in the incense burner.
4. Bow once more.

If powdered incense is used, bow, take a pinch of incense and sprinkle it over the incense burner, and bow once more.

13.04 Expressing Your Condolences

If you watch the ladies in their black kimono, you can see that bows can be far more eloquent than words and generally, a bow is enough, perhaps with the words kono tabi wa domo (この胃はどうも) petering off into the bow. Still, you may want to express your grief in words:

• Kono tabi wa goshūshō-sama de gozaimashita.
この度はご愁傷様でございました。
Please accept my deepest sympathy.

• Kono tabi wa totsuzen na koto de.
この度は突然なこどで。
It was so unexpected.

• Haya-sugite hontō ni zannen deshita.
早すぎて本当に残念でした。
It is most unfortunate. He/she was far too young.

• Rippa na kata deshita.
立派な方でした。
He was a fine man.

• Watakushi ni nanika dekiru koto ga arimashitara, go-enryo naku o-mōshitsuke kudasai.
私に何かできるこどがありましたら、ご遠慮なくお申しつけ ください。
If there is anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask.

13.05 Sending a Telegram

In the past, telegrams of condolence were sent by people who were unable to hurry to the house immediately. Sending telegrams has become even more widespread today. If you can read Japanese, the procedure is very easy and can be done on the internet. Choose a text from the hundreds of examples, something like this:

• Tsutsushinde aitō no i o hyōshimasu.
謹んで哀悼の意を表します。
Please accept my condolences. (lit. I respectfully express my condolences.)

• Go-seikyo o itami, tsutsushinde o-kuyami mōshi-age masu.
ご逝去を悼み、謹んでお悔やみを申し上げます。
I grieve over your loss and offer my respectful sympathy.

• Go-seikyo o itami, go-meifuku o o-inori mōshi-age masu.
ご逝去を悼み、ご冥福をお祈り申し上げます。
I grieve over your loss and pray that the deceased rests in peace.

13.06 Offering Branches of Sakaki

In a Shinto memorial service, the priest hands each person a branch of the sakaki to place on the altar. The procedure for placing the branch on the altar is as follows:

1. Bow once.
2. Turn the branch around clockwise and place it with the stem toward the altar.
3. Bow twice and silently clap twice.
4. Bow once more.

13.07 Writing a Letter of Sympathy

Although sending a letter of sympathy is not a Japanese custom, a letter can be a great consolation and if you are living abroad and unable to attend the funeral or send a telegram it may be a good solution.

Tori-isogi pen o torimashita.

Go-shujin no totsuzen no go-seikyo o ukagai, taihen na odoroki to kanashimi o kanjimashita. Sengetsu o-hanashi shita bakari na no ni, kono yo o satte shimawareta to wa totemo shinjiraremasen.

Go-shujin wa rippa na kata de, mata ii tomo deshita. Shigoto ni wa kibishii kata deshita ga, ningen-sei ga yutaka de, itsumo hito no tame ni isshōkenmei tsukushite imashita. Nihon ni kite kara mada hi ga asai watashi wa go-shujin ni taihen o-sewa ni nari, sono koto wa itsumademo wasuremasen.

Go-seikyo o itami, tsutsushinde o-kuyami mōshi-agemasu.

取り急ぎ、ペンを取りました。

ご主人の突然のご逝去を伺い、たいへんな驚きど悲しみを感 じました。先月お話したばかりなのに、この世を去ってしまわ れたどはどても信じられません。

ご主人は立派な方で、またいい友でした。仕事には厳しい方でし た力、人間性豊かで、いつも人のために一生懸命つくしていまし た。日本に来てからまだ日が浅い私はご主人にたいへんお世話 になり、そのこどはいつまでも忘れません。

ご逝去を悼み、謹んでお悔やみ申し上げます。

I write to you in haste.

I was most shocked and saddened to hear of the sudden death of your husband. It is very hard to believe that he is no longer with us; it was only one month ago that I had talked to him.

Your husband was a fine man and a good friend. Although he was strict at work, he was very caring and always worked hard for other people. I will never forget the unstinting help he gave me during my early days in Japan.

Please accept my most sincere condolences in your bereavement.

13.08 Words and Expressions

fukō ga atta	不幸があった	someone has died, (lit. something unfortunate has happened.)
tsuya	通夜	wake
sōgi/sōshiki	葬儀.弈式	funeral
kokubetsu-shiki	告別式	funeral service for general mourners
sōgi ni sanretsu suru	葬儀に参列する	to attend a funeral
gasshō	合掌	Buddhist prayer position for the hands
go-kiritsu kudasai.	ご起立ください	please stand.
go-jūshoku-sama	ご住職様	Buddhist priest
o-kyō	お経	Buddhist sutra
senkō (o ageru)	線香(を上げる）	(to offer) an incense stick
shōkō suru	焼香する	to offer powdered incense
ko-~	故	the late ~
izoku	遺族	the bereaved
sōgi iinchō	葬儀委員長	chairman of the funeral committee
moshu	喪主	chief mourner
chōji	弔辞	obituary
chōden	弔電	condolence telegram
o-kuyami	お悔み	condolence
saijō	斎場	funeral parlor
sōgi-ya	葬儀屋	undertaker
hitsugi/o-kan	棺•お棺	coffin
reikyūsha	霊柩車	hearse
kasō suru	火葬する	to cremate
kasōba	火葬場	crematory
o-kotsu	お骨	the ashes
haka	墓	grave
hakaba	墓場	graveyard (for example in a Buddhist temple)
reien	霊園	cemetery
butsudan	仏壇	Buddhist home altar
kaimyō	戒名	Buddhist name given to a person after death
isshūki	一周忌	service on the first anniversary of a death
sankaiki	三回忌	service on the second anniversary of a death
hōyō/hōji	法要•法事	Buddhist memorial service
kibiki kyūka	忌引き休暇	absence from work or school due to mourning
kōden	香典	offering of money at a funeral
kōden dorobō	香典泥棒	thief, posing as a mourner, who steals funeral offerings

Ihai-mochi いはい持ち

Ihai いはい are the wooden memorial tablets kept in Buddhist home altars. Each tablet bears the posthumous name of a deceased relative. Ihai-mochi, which means “keeper of the memorial tablets,” is a term used to refer to the eldest son. People may call an eldest son ihai-mochi to remind him that one day he will inherit the family altar, the memorial tablets, and the responsibility of carrying on the family name. He may also refer to himself as ihai-mochi to show that he is resigned to carrying out his family responsibilities.