By the time the second Battle Supreme arrived, eleven Earth days into the election, the Wonderbar and Cracken campaigns had settled into a virtual tie in the polls. Sarah was still wildly popular after her speech to the Astrals, but Jacob’s prank had been viewed as a stroke of genius, and Sarah and Mick were clinging to the smallest of leads going into the final week of the campaign.

Sarah knew she had to beat Catalina in the vice presidential battle in order to give her campaign an edge. Not that she needed extra motivation to beat Princess Twinkle Toes at anything.

The ballroom on Planet Royale hushed as the event was about to begin. Sarah and Catalina were sitting in large chairs on the dais. Sarah looked out and spotted the king, his hands clasped in contemplation. She wondered what he was thinking of all of this.

Sarah cleared her throat and said to Catalina, “You are the film that forms on the walls of a shower after several weeks of use.”

It wasn’t her best insult, but she was just warming up. The Election Council seemed mildly impressed and gave her a 6.5. The Cracken/Daisy supporters clapped politely in response, and a few jeered at the judges for not sufficiently rewarding the disgustingness of shower film.

The purpose of the second Battle Supreme was to show Astrals who would be the very best vice president by way of an insult contest. Mick had explained to Sarah that since the president couldn’t very well go around telling people off and still seem presidential, it would be up to the vice president to get down in the muck and insult the people who needed insulting, mock the people who needed mocking, and possibly throw a nice solid temper tantrum every now and then for good measure. Sarah could hardly contain her glee at the thought of spending an afternoon criticizing Princess Catalina.

Princess Catalina batted her eyelashes and leaned in toward Sarah. “Your clothes are at least three seasons out of style,” she said, barely adding any disdain in her voice.

Sarah grimaced and scanned the crowd until she found Jacob Wonderbar, who ran a hand through his hair and appeared thoroughly disappointed with Princess Catalina’s attempt at an insult. The Election Council gave her a 3.

Sarah leaned in for her next attempt. “I would rather step in gum on a dirty street, peel it off my shoe, place it in my mouth, chew, and swallow than spend one minute in the same room with you.”

The crowd “Oohed” appreciatively. Sarah was particularly fond of that insult because it was completely true. The Election Council gave her an 8.

Princess Catalina punched Sarah in the arm playfully. “Oh Sarah, you’re my funniest friend,” she said.

The Election Council looked at each other in confusion before giving her a 0.5. Sarah wasn’t even sure where the half of a point came from.

“Um,” Sarah said, trying to regain her footing. It was not easy insulting someone who wasn’t putting up a fight. “Um. You’re… I mean… You smell like a red-butted baboon who just…” Catalina was beaming innocently at Sarah, and she found it wildly unnerving. “Who just took a bath in a steaming pile of baby diapers.”

The council awarded Sarah a 6, which she attributed to her imperfect delivery.

Catalina smiled. “You’re almost but not quite as pretty as me.”

Sarah frowned as the council gave Catalina a 3. Sarah had no idea what Catalina was up to, but Sarah was on the verge of winning the second Battle Supreme, and there was no stopping her now. No one would doubt that she would be the better vice president. She could insult with the best of them, which perfectly complemented her “aw shucks” Earther girl routine. In just over a week she had gone from anonymous Earth kid and Jacob Wonderbar afterthought to one of the most popular people in the entire universe. She was going to save her planet and make the universe a better place. She looked out at Mick, who was smiling faintly and pumping his fist slowly in appreciation of her talents.

Sarah darted her eyes at Catalina and readied her finest salvo. “You’re so ugly, when you tried to kiss a frog to turn him into a prince he said, ‘Ugh! No thanks, I’d rather be a frog.’”

There was a roaring ovation, and Sarah raised her hands in glee when she saw her score: 9.5.

Princess Catalina kept beaming. Technically she had one last insult remaining, but there was no way she could catch up to Sarah. Catalina smiled and said, “Jacob Wonderbar would rather spend time with me than a silly little Earther girl like you. And that’s why he dumped you.”

Sarah’s jaw clenched, and she felt her face grow very warm. “At least I’m not a conceited alien!” she snapped. After a few gasps and shrieks, the room fell completely, uncomfortably silent. Sarah looked around in confusion. Mick had crouched down on the ground and was covering his eyes in agony. People looked at her as if she had just sprouted a second head.

“What?” Sarah asked.

For the briefest, tiniest of moments, Sarah saw a look pass across Princess Catalina’s face that showed unbridled triumph at what Sarah had just said, her joy plain and unmistakable. And in that split second Sarah knew she had been suckered. She remembered that shocked look on Catalina’s face when she had called her an alien on Planet Headline and she suddenly realized that Catalina must have planned this moment all along.

Princess Catalina’s face contorted into a mask of pain and anguish. She summoned tears, pressed her face into her hands, and wailed, “How dare you, Sarah Daisy?”

The uncomfortable silence in the ballroom stretched on. Princess Catalina peeled her hands from her face, and Sarah could tell she was trying not to smile.

“How dare you.”