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I
peeked in the doorway of Jax’s room watching Ben with my brother. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to see how he’d react with no one around. I knew he needed some time to absorb all this. We all did.
Jax hadn’t wanted Ben to know he’d been struggling and kept it from him. I’m not sure why. If this was a shock for my family despite knowing of his health issues for the past year, it must be an even bigger shock to Ben.
I saw Ben trying to wrap Jax’s arms around him, with no success. It was heartbreaking. I knew I should turn and walk away, but something inside told me to stay. I made sure Ben couldn’t see me, and luckily no one else was around.
What was he whispering to Jax? Was he wishing they’d had more time together? Was he saying goodbye? Maybe both. I remembered the love they’d had, and how different my brother acted when they’d been together. He’d been calmer, more at peace, and happy—happier than I’d ever seen him. Ben was good for Jax, keeping him grounded, like taming him without trying to change him.
When Larissa was a year old, Jax had quit smoking because of Ben. I couldn’t believe it. He’d always been one of those “light one cigarette off another” types. I suspected he always thought Ben didn’t like it, and so one day he quit. Ben had never made any negative comments about it, not that I’d heard. I think because Ben didn’t smoke, Jax assumed that he didn’t like it.
Ben also beat Jax at his own game, either by not reacting to Jax’s pranks, or by returning a prank of his own. At one of our summer parties Ben told me about the time they’d gone on a Caribbean cruise together. Nicely dressed, they went to their assigned table for dinner. Around the white table cloth and royal blue napkins, they introduced themselves to what Ben called, “pretty stuffy” tablemates. After a couple of glasses of expensive wine that Jax had ordered, Ben started to feel tipsy. He rose from his chair to go to the washroom. Before leaving the table, without thinking, he leaned in and planted a full kiss on Jax’s lips, saying he would be right back. He left Jax to deal with the stares and open mouths of their new acquaintances. Ben hadn’t done it on purpose, but in the bathroom, it sank in. He chuckled to himself. It serves you right, you bugger, for all the things you’ve done to me. He laughed when he told me the story.
The remembrance sparked another memory of a different cruise they took, where on the formal soirée known as Captain’s Night Ben suggested attending it in their bathrobes instead of the suits they’d brought. Of course, Jax agreed. Ben confessed later that he’d never done or even thought of doing anything like that until he’d met Jax. He also reassured me that they’d worn shorts underneath—thank god.
Jax just had a way of making you want to be wild and crazy. He had brought that out in Ben. Yet as crazy as he could be at times, he was also the sweetest, kindest man you’d ever meet. I remembered him running dinner out to Ben at the sugar shack during maple syrup time, knowing that he’d be stuck in there all day. Even after they broke up, Jax continued to do that. Jax would sometimes bake cookies for Ben to give out on his sleigh and hay rides often going with him to help out. That was Jax.
I worried for Ben. Would he ever be the same? They hadn’t been a couple for twelve years, but if Jax didn’t recover... It dawned on me that Ben had never dated anyone since Jax. He might have gone on dates here and there, but he hadn’t had a serious relationship. Was he waiting for Jax? Even after they’d broken up, they’d met at least once a week. Jax often invited Ben to our family events. They’d remained close. My husband, Stu had referred to it jokingly as their booty calls, but I felt it was more than that. Why else would they have gone to Europe together twice?
I often wondered how Fredrik felt about the lingering friendship between them. Did he even know? He’d never mentioned it to me, and he seemed cordial to Ben. I worried about Fredrik too. For the last few years his relationship with Jax appeared strained. Jax said little about it, except the time he told me that Fredrik had cheated on him with an HIV positive guy, and Fredrik was now HIV positive himself. They lived together, but because of Jax’s fear of HIV, their sex life had changed since the indiscretion. Jax appeared less upset about the indiscretion than about the cold fact that Fredrik had slept with a guy he knew was HIV positive. I had tried to reassure Jax that I really didn’t think Fredrik would sleep with a guy he knew was positive. Who would do that? But it hurt him just the same.