The Other Side of Normal
“Kraaak! Look, the one has lengthfall red fur. How perskewliar! Ma-person noughtly speakout onething like that to us oncefore.”
“Yes, and the miniest one has furzle all over its bodiment.”
“Hey, watchit...” Chilli stopped short of telling them off. A smelly breeze shifted the fog, giving them a glimpse of what was in front of them. Her mouth dropped open.
“What...?” was all Ty managed to say. This is like a nightmare after too many hamburgers before bed, he thought.
It was a six-foot toad! But it wasn’t just an overgrown ordinary, bottom-of-the-garden variety toad. It was an ugly two-headed toad, its back covered in spots that pulsed with an eerie green light. No wonder the toad, or toads (Ty couldn’t make up his mind if it was one toad or two) thought their visitors were odd. In Effluvia, it seemed, humans were the freaks and not two-headed toads.
The slimy animal turned its heads sideways to reveal a bright purple neck and underbelly infected with pustules. The big pimply abscesses on the belly pulsated ominously as if they were on the verge of bursting. Chilli didn’t want to think of the mess it would make if they did burst. She nervously eyed the yellow goop straining against their thin skin.
“Look, how tweetful. Our guestments seem to be overdwelmed by our beautitiousness. Don’t be shy, dear companionibles” said the one head amiably.
“Erm...” said Chilli, stalling for time. Angering a two headed-toad could end badly.
“Tch, tch, tch. The one with the lengthfall red furzle can barely speak in the pretence of our beautitiousness,” remarked the other head under its breath. It tossed its head coyly. Ty nearly burst out laughing at the vanity of the ugly amphibian. He ended up choking on another lungful of fetid air.
The one head looked at the other. “I brainwork we should try and make them befeeled at home. Finalest of all, it can’t be un-easeless to talk to sumwant when you’re so extreme-most dreadlook.” The one head had whispered this to the other so as not to hurt the friends’ feelings.
“Couldbe they’re not as intellibrained as us. After all, two heads are befinely than one. It must be infactually hard hadding to make do with singly one,” reasoned the other.
“You may swell be bright. But I intuggest we at least bestart with introductations. Let’s see if they can smanagle to underforstand us.”
“A fantubolous idea! I’ll do the honolorus.”
“Ahem, hullo hairskins,” said the head. It had said the word ‘hairskins’ like a grown-up talking to a two-year-old.
“I am Murkslime, and my sibbalingading here, is Wormrot. We are from a ginormulous family of natterjack toads, and we have inhabituated in Effluvia for many whenerations. How do you dooly?” The creature offered a slimy ten-fingered hand to Chilli.
Eew thought Chilli, it’s got ten toes on each foot. The hair stood up on the back of her neck as she shook the hand.
“I’m Chilli, this is Ty and that...” she pointed at Oubaas, “is Oubaas, our baboon friend.”
Ty gave a polite “hi” and a nod, hoping that this greeting would be enough. He didn’t want to have to shake the toad’s slimy hand.
The two heads tilted sideways at the children, just like Chilli had seen her mother do when she held a kitten. Chilli noticed the luminous spots on the toad turn from sickly green to bright pink. The toad had turned pink with pleasure!
“We’ve noughtly had rightly aseed hairskins here before. We are very thrillighted to haved you here. We haved hearinged many stortales from Ma-person about hairskins oncefore. But I haved to say, they were rather grimsomeable stortales. She entold us about eataurants enservicating sizzilated froggers leglimbs. Brrrr.” Wormrot shuddered at the thought of his cousins’ legs being served up for lunch in a poncey French bistro.
“I’ve never eaten frogs’ legs,” Chilli hurriedly assured them. She noticed that whenever the heads became agitated, the pustules on their belly grew fatter. She was worried they would burst if Murkslime and Wormrot got upset.
“That’s a sighlief,” remarked Murkslime.
“You must excusidate our lurkspicious mindsouls. We are singly-one not seemsurest why you are here,” apologised Wormrot. “We haved nedder hearinged onething goodly about hairskins, and it is quisitly obvertious that you are not fitsuiting to this enwetment. You haved... ahem,” he gave a polite cough, “furzle” he concluded, waving a ten-fingered hand at their hair.
“Indoodly” added Murkslime, “us smoothskinners carecuddle the texturation of this beautitious splatmuck on our starkbare skin. Furzle is, well, too furzily for Effluvia.” He pointed at Oubaas, who was angrily tugging at the matted fur on his legs.
The pungent fog began thinning as a sluggish breeze pushed the yellow mist to higher ground, giving the friends their first glimpse of Effluvia.
The landscape was made up of dumpy hills squatting listlessly on the horizon. There wasn’t even a solitary leaf to break the monotony of the brown-black sludge covering them. Reeking piles of indescribable muck, made up of heaven-knows-what were scattered everywhere. In the shallow valleys ran rivers of ooze that moved as slowly as cold molasses. It seemed as though the rivers were boiling as trapped gasses rose to the surface and burst with a sblob.
Chilli thought that if she was asked to choose one word to describe Effluvia, it most certainly would have been sludge. In fact, any word of the oozy variety would have done: slush, crud, goo, goop, slime or slop would have sufficed. Because that was mostly what Effluvia consisted of – gunge. I’ve seen more cheerful graveyards, she thought.
Ty gagged again on Effluvia’s foul-smelling air. The fog’s sour smell had only masked the stench that hung permanently in the atmosphere. The reek of Effluvia began to permeate their hair and clothing and cling to their bodies. It seemed that it had even begun to seep into their bodies through the pores in their skin.
“Where is everyone?” Chilli asked the toads. The place was deserted. “Are you the only... erm...” (she had to check herself before she almost said ‘things’) “citizens in Effluvia?”
“Oh wiltering wartinghogs no, my dearling!” replied one of the heads. “As a matter of factment, all-ones are at our gloriatious Kinglydumb’s Notional Exaltatation Day Festivalling” the head announced proudly, drawing in its wobbly fat chest. The pustules on its undercarriage bulged ominously. “You nabbled us on our wend to the stadirenium where the celelibations are being beheld.”
“Um, what is the er... Notional Exaltatation Day Festivalling?” asked Chilli.
“This is our most impressly day of the year. Our all-one notion celelibates and gives gratitudiation to our bedeariest king, His Most Supremiest, King Maximus Destructium.”
“Oh,” answered Chilli in a small voice, still not entirely sure what they were talking about. The Effluvians, however, were clearly very excited about the occasion. Their four rheumy eyes shone with zeal at the thought of seeing their king at their “festivalling”.
“Kraaak, but we must scurrylong causewise we’ll be belated. And we don’t want King Destructium’s war-men to think we will missgo the festivalling. We would all-one be in deepest poopment! I hearinged oncely of somewant who was thoroughmently scrubbled with perfumiated soap! Braaak! How revulsing!” said the head with disgust.
With that, the lumbering toad heaved its large body onto all fours, and began waddle-walking. It had never occured to the toad that their long back legs were more suited to hopping than their waddle-walk.
“Come along dearlings” the heads croaked in unison, “we think His Malajesty may carecuddle to meet a hairskin. Followon us.”
“Should we follow them?” Chilli asked Ty, undecided.
“They don’t seem too keen on us hairskins. We could be walking into trouble. But maybe they know where to find Morbidius’s heart. Or maybe their king will help us” he replied.
“I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe their king would like to be warned about the danger his kingdom is in,” agreed Chilli.
Ty turned to his baboon friend. “Hey, Oubaas!” You might as well stop picking that crud off your fur. I think where we’re going where there’s going to be a lot more of that stuff.”
“Come on you two” said Chilli, “let’s follow that toad!”
“Yes boss!” Ty answered with a grin. He took hold of Oubaas’s paw and the three friends followed the disappearing rump of the toad as it loped uncomfortably from side to side.
It took a lot of effort to walk in Effluvia. The ground was covered in sticky goo that almost sucked the trainers from their feet. Chilli giggled as she watched Oubaas tramp through it. He would take a step and shake off the mud, then take another step and shake off the mud again. He was going to be one exhausted baboon by the time they got to the stadium.
Their strange surroundings reminded Chilli that she and her friends were more alone than ever. But when there’s nothing left to do but be strong, it’s amazing how strong you can be.