HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND RESPOND TO A CHILD’S DISCLOSURE OF ABUSE

Children disclose abuse in a variety of ways. Sometimes they disclose it through direct and specific communication, but unfortunately that is not usually the case. More often children will disclose through indirect means, for example, saying things like “Our neighbor wears funny underwear” or “My brother bothers me at night,” or asking you to promise to keep a secret. After an episode of physical abuse, a child might say something like “Mommy says I’m really clumsy. I fall down the stairs a lot.” Or “I didn’t mean to be bad last night.”

If you suspect that abuse has taken place, but the child does not disclose it at all, follow your “gut.” Listen to this inner concern and ask the Spirit of God for wisdom in revealing the abuse and relating to the child.

It is important to listen, encourage, and assure the child. Compassionately ask specific questions if the child’s comments seem to be covering up an underlying problem. For instance, say, “Honey, tell me what happened just before you fell down the stairs.” Or “You know, it’s okay to tell someone else a secret if a big person is hurting you.” Be careful that your questions do not relay any accusation you may feel toward the abuser; the child may believe he or she caused the abuse.

Let the child know you want to help him or her. If the child asks you “not to tell,” gently respond by saying, “I will only tell so that, together, you and I can get you help.” Be careful that your queries don’t lead to certain responses — for instance, naming a specific individual you suspect may be the guilty party. Never finish a child’s sentences or fill in the blanks.

If you suspect abuse, it is your responsibility to report it to the Department of Social Services or the local police department. It is not your job to confront the suspected abuser. Social service agencies have the training and expertise, as well as the best interests of the child in mind. You need to be available to continue to give care to the child as well as to the family: listening to, praying for, and spending time with them.

Here are some dos and don’ts if a child tells you that he or she has been sexually abused:

Do

  1. Believe the child.
  2. Find a quiet, private place to talk to the child. If the issue is physical abuse, discretely look for bruises.
  3. Take a positive approach to the problem. Reassure the child that he or she has done the right thing by telling someone.
  4. Listen to the child. Let him or her talk openly about the situation.
  5. Rephrase important thoughts for clarification, using the child’s vocabulary.
  6. Allow the child to go at his or her own pace. It may be easier for the child to disclose by using a doll or puppet, or by drawing or writing about the incident.
  7. Ask only for information that will clarify your suspicion. Proper authorities will gather the detailed information.
  8. Tell the child that there is help available, and then get the help both you and the child need.
  9. Reassure the child that you will do your best to protect and support him or her.
  10. Let the child know you must report the abuse to someone who has helped other children like him or her and their families.
  11. Report the incident to the proper authorities. Contact your local police or Department of Social Services.
  12. Let the child know what will happen when the report is made (if you have appropriate information).
  13. Seek out your own support person (or persons) to help you work through your feelings about the disclosure (if needed).

Don’t

  1. Don’t promise confidentiality.
  2. Don’t express panic or shock.
  3. Don’t convey anger or impatience if the child is not ready to discuss the abuse.
  4. Don’t make negative comments about the perpetrator or get into a moral lecture about the incident.
  5. Don’t disclose the information indiscriminately. Tell only those adults who need the information to protect and support the child.