HELPING STAFF MEMBERS, CONGREGATIONS, AND STUDENT BODIES DEAL WITH DEATH, INCLUDING SUICIDE

Pastoral caregivers can help during the first few weeks following a death in the following ways:

  1. Be watchful for contagion, guilt, and modeling — particularly with suicides.
  2. Do not glorify the situation, especially a suicide.
  3. Do not deny or ignore the situation, even during the funeral or memorial service.
  4. Allow for fatigue for survivors and caregivers. Stress, grief, and a loss of control can be exhausting.
  5. Realize that emotional reactions vary in nature and intensity. Try to be open to changing moods and feelings — shock, anxiety, horror, fear, guilt, and depression — saying something like “This must be a terrible shock for you.” The person has the opportunity to respond with “yes” or “no,” but it gets the conversation started.
  6. Knowing what to say is often difficult. It is usually sufficient to give a hug and say, “This is really hard for us.” It helps people remember they are not alone.
  7. Set up times for all staff members and volunteers to discuss, process, and pray. Be sure to include all those who were involved with the person on committees or small groups, including all who were impacted.
  8. Send a letter to each person involved in the life of the deceased, emphasizing the need to support each other, giving factual information, and announcing support meeting times and places.
  9. Continue to be aware of the need to be mutually supportive.
  10. Encourage those who were personally involved with someone who died or was injured to attend discussion times. Identify a specific person to be supportive to that individual for the first two weeks.
  11. Make ongoing pastoral care or mental health support available.
  12. Be honest with people, including children and adolescents, about what is happening and about your own grief and loss.
  13. Help those who are not good with words, including children and adolescents, with terminology and vocabulary that helps them express deeper feelings. For instance, you might say, “It seems to me that you’re feeling (confused, angry, sad) about this.” Allow them time to reflect back to you whether your suggested words represent what they are feeling.
  14. Be aware that some people will not cry or exhibit sadness but will instead act out or become angry. Usually a few words of understanding will soothe these feelings. Do not be judgmental about how people express grief.
  15. Watch for these distress signals from those who are particularly impacted; for example, best friends or siblings of adolescents:

• Changes in eating or sleeping habits that persist over two weeks.

• Severe mood swings.

• Significantly decreased interest in work, family, and friends.

• Isolating oneself from family and friends.

• Hopelessness.

• A plan of action or thinking about suicide. Ask directly! Refer to a professional mental-health agency or individual immediately.

• Be especially aware of those who have a previous history of suicide ideation, attempts, or risk-taking behaviors.

Image

Adapted from materials written by Ruth Gonzalez, PhD, psychologist, Lewis and Clark College, Portland, Oregon.