DOS AND DON’TS WHEN CARING FOR THE NEWLY WIDOWED

When you are caring for someone who is newly widowed …

Do

  1. Acknowledge the death with a card or letter. Letters can be saved and read time and again. Share an incident, story, or qualities you appreciated about the deceased.
  2. Call to express your love and care. Offer to stop by, remembering that your presence and your contacts mean you care.
  3. Ask about practical things that may be needed; the person may have difficulty asking for help. For instance, ask about the need for childcare, meals, phone calls to be made, or errands to be run. If you can’t do all the tasks that need to be accomplished, find a resource person to get the needed help.
  4. Find out which is the most difficult day of the week or the most difficult time of day for him or her. Pray specifically during those times, and let the person know you are doing so. A significant letdown occurs after the funeral, when friends have returned to their own routines, and this will let the grieving spouse know that you care and are interceding for him or her.
  5. Remember that the grieving person wants to talk, even though he or she may cry. Be comfortable with tears, wait patiently, and encourage the person to tell his or her story.
  6. Invite the widowed to your home for dinner. He or she usually doesn’t eat well and may long for a home-cooked meal.
  7. Invite the widowed to accompany you to concerts, movies, the theater, to play golf, or to participate in whatever activities may be appropriate.
  8. Include your widowed friend as before — in dinner parties, on your Christmas card list, in gatherings that previously included them as a couple, such as your Bible study or small group.
  9. Frequently ask how you might be praying specifically for and with the person.

Don’t

  1. Don’t say, “I know just how you feel.” Even if you also have experienced a death, you don’t know how the other person feels. Instead say something like “I cannot know what you feel right now, but I am sorry.”
  2. Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the deceased. The widowed person wants to talk about someone who has been a very important part of his or her life. Tell the grieving spouse you miss the loved one too. Reminisce together.
  3. Don’t try to “fix” his or her pain.
  4. Don’t give false encouragement, saying things like “You are so strong!” or “You seem to be doing so well!”
  5. Don’t give up on the person, even if he or she is moody.
  6. Don’t mention remarriage. Don’t say things like “You’re young; you will marry again.” Such comments discount the life of the deceased partner and are not appreciated by a grieving spouse. On the other hand, don’t be critical or judgmental when the person begins dating.
  7. Don’t assign the role of the deceased parent to the eldest son or daughter. Don’t say, “Now you’re the man [or woman] of the house.” Such responsibility burdens a young person with an impossible task.