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ROSA’S EYES HAD BEEN open for precisely ten seconds the next morning when she heard a knock on the door. Marco’s spare bedroom was shrouded in darkness, and she tentatively called for the other person to enter. The door opened and light flooded in, courtesy of the skylight. Rosa experienced a twinge of surprise when she saw her unexpected guest was none other than Simone. The other woman was bearing a mug of coffee and a plate.
‘Good morning, sleepyhead,’ she greeted her brightly, and set the items down on the nightstand within easy reach. Then she went to open the blind, causing Rosa to squint at the winter sunshine. Simone stood at the foot of the bed and waited patiently for the other woman to focus. Rosa struggled to an upright position and pushed a couple of pillows behind her body for support.
‘Coffee smells good,’ she said croakily. ‘What time is it?’
‘Nine-fifteen.’
‘Holy shit!’ Rosa went to fling the duvet back. ‘I should be at the office by now. Why the hell did nobody wake me?’
‘Hold your horses, woman, and stay right where you are,’ Simone ordered. ‘You’re needed here this morning. There’s going to be a showdown between Diane and Horace, and Dottie wants you to stick around for it. We’re going to watch it live in the drawing room.’
Rosa gave the other woman a bleary-eyed look. ‘Do you mean we’re going to spy on them?’ she enquired warily.
‘That’s an affirmative,’ Simone grinned mockingly. ‘We’re all super-excited. Glenda couldn’t sleep so she’s been up since oh six hundred making flaky pastry. That’s why I brought you a delicious home cooked sausage roll. I thought a few calories might give you a much-needed boost. Rumour has it you had a tough night, although we’re forbidden from either mentioning the episode or discussing it.’
‘My life totally sucks,’ Rosa informed her morosely. ‘I may as well eat as much saturated fat as I can get my hands on.’
‘That’s good to hear,’ Simone grinned, ‘because Glenda is making Red Thai chicken curry for lunch with all sorts of fattening side dishes. There’s also talk of something called peanut butter chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake for dessert. Or perhaps you might prefer pumpkin bread with pumpkin buttercream. Glen is practicing her Thanksgiving recipes. Did you know you can deep fry a turkey? And stuff it with other fowl? I guess you know that. Americans seem to know a lot about turkey.’
‘The Barefoot Contessa I ain’t, although I love pumpkin bread,’ Rosa blinked a few more times, then reached for her coffee.
‘I’ll leave you in peace,’ Simone began to edge towards the door. ‘You have plenty of time before the showdown, so there’s no need to rush getting ready.’
‘That’s good,’ Rosa picked up her plate. ‘Because I need to give some serious thought to my future. Thanks, Simone, I really appreciate this.’
Seeing the other woman was intent on devouring the sausage roll, Simone smiled and left the room. She made her way downstairs where she joined Dorothy and Charlie in the drawing room. Moo-Moo was in her bouncing chair, merrily gurgling at her jungle gym, while the women lounged on sofas watching her. The television was on and showed Horace sitting at the island unit, silently staring into a cup of some unknown beverage. He did not look happy.
‘Are we spying already?’ Simone asked, as she took a seat next to Dorothy.
‘Roy doesn’t want to leave anything to chance so he’s testing all the equipment,’ Charlie explained.
The image of Horace flickered and the technical director’s face appeared instead.
‘Morning all,’ he greeted them cheerfully. ‘Looks like you’re good to go, ladies. Even if the love birds mumble and mutter at each other, you should get excellent audio quality. It won’t be like those documentaries with hidden cameras or any of that shite.’
‘How are you, Roy?’ Simone smiled at him warmly. ‘We’ve hardly seen you since your heroics last week. Have your bruises faded?’
‘I’m grand, thanks,’ he blushed. ‘I felt pretty rough for a few days, although the whole sorry episode has had an unexpected silver lining.’
‘Is it a sex thing?’ Charlie looked interested.
‘Yes,’ he blushed deeper, ‘but that’s not what I mean. Lucy is obsessed about taking things slowly when you first start dating. I understand the reasons behind that, but I don’t want to take things slowly. Ever since I almost got myself killed last week, she’s changed her tune. She’s coming over to ours on Sunday to meet the parents and have dinner.’
‘Golly,’ Charlie smirked at him. ‘You’re one of those commitment-philes.’
‘Make sure to thank your mother for the tea bracks,’ Dorothy cut in hastily, seeing the technical director was looking irate. ‘We’re fast becoming addicted to them.’
‘She’s worried about you, Boss,’ Roy said seriously. ‘She thinks O’Keefe must have brainwashed you into marrying him in the first place.’
‘On the contrary, he wasn’t remotely keen on the notion of matrimony,’ Dorothy sighed sadly. ‘His parents persuaded him to do the right thing by me, and he went along with it for the sake of peace. I had notions about romantic love back then which had no basis in reality, and was delighted at the prospect of becoming his lawful wedded wife.
‘The biggest mistake of my life was walking down the aisle with him. From that day onwards, he genuinely believed I had trapped him and ruined his life and, as a result, I became the focus of his rage. If we had both stayed single, I’m positive he would have found a different target for his psychosis. Left to his own devices, I expect he would have become a career criminal but, needless to say, he wasn’t left alone.
‘His dad arranged for him to join his brother’s company as a partner, and before any of us knew what was happening, Declan was shipped off to London under orders from his parents to settle down and make a success of his life.’
‘Do you think they suspected the truth about him?’ Roy frowned at her.
‘I do,’ she nodded sorrowfully. ‘I truly believe they were well aware their son was defective in some way, and convinced themselves that married life in suburbia was exactly what he needed to snap him out of it, and transform him into a respectable human being. I’ve always wondered why they weren’t annoyed when they found out I was pregnant. Most parents would have been unimpressed at hearing that sort of news, but Billy and Mary seemed almost chipper about the situation, and started making plans for us from the get-go.’
‘That’s monstrous,’ Roy looked nauseous. ‘What the hell were they thinking?’
‘Thinking isn’t exactly their strong suit,’ Dorothy pulled a wry face. ‘In some ways, they were quite right. By most people’s standards, Declan made a success of his life. To my knowledge, he was never even arrested for drunk driving, never mind criminal activity. He might even have lived to a ripe old age and stayed out of trouble, if not for the lottery.
‘When I first left him, he was furious with me for managing to escape his clutches, but in the seventeen years since then I’ve never had as much as a nasty text from him. I thought the immediate danger had passed because I was no longer in his orbit and he was free of me at last. I expect we would have gone on like that forever, except suddenly hearing his bête noir had become ridiculously wealthy, finally tipped him over the edge.’
‘I’m sorry to have to have to break it to you, Boss,’ Roy grimaced apologetically, ‘but you’re going to end up on one of those true crime documentaries on TV3, and some smartass will probably write a book about it as well. Maybe they’ll even make a movie of the whole sorry mess.’
‘Who do you think will play me?’ Dorothy enquired eagerly. ‘Keep your ear to the ground, Roy, because I don’t want to be played by some seven-foot tall American. That would be ridiculous.’
‘Or an Australian. Presenting Nicole Kidman as D-Ly,’ Charlie teased.
‘Maybe Michael Fassbender will play Declan,’ Simone suggested.
‘He does evil very well,’ Dorothy nodded emphatically. ‘He’d be an excellent choice. It’s a shame his nose isn’t quite right. It doesn’t have much of a hook to it. You know his real accent is pure Kerry.’
‘Perhaps he could wear a prosthetic beak and practice his Castleknock twang,’ Simone suggested with a twinkle in her eye.
‘Glad to see you’re bearing up so well, Boss,’ Roy remarked drily. ‘I’m switching back to the kitchen-cams now, so brace yourselves. Bunny is showing Horace the bed he found for Browning.’
The screen flickered, Roy disappeared, and they saw Horace admiring the straw-filled wooden box Bunny was proudly showing off.
‘He looks much better. Did you have any problems feeding him?’ Horace was asking.
‘Man, you’re a regular rabbit rookie if you think this fur ball is a boy,’ Bunny informed him kindly. ‘Browning is a chick.’
‘No way,’ Horace looked shocked. ‘You’re sure?’
‘I’m an expert,’ Bunny replied smugly. ‘How do you think I got my name, dude?’
‘I was wondering about that, although I didn’t like to ask,’ Horace replied sheepishly.
‘Mammy was a rabbit breeder,’ Bunny smiled. ‘That’s how I got my name. She said I was the best bunny she ever bred.’
‘That’s very sweet. What’s your real name?’
‘Andrew Meany at your service, sir.’
‘Well, Andrew, was feeding Browning a chore for you?’
‘That’s a negative, dude. Lavinia fed her for me.’
‘Is that your mother?’
‘My mammy is with the angels,’ Bunny replied slowly, as if he felt Horace might need time to absorb the words. ‘Lavinia is my Blanc de Hotot. She agreed to be Browning’s foster mother. Now he won’t die from drinking the wrong milk.’
‘My goodness,’ Horace looked flabbergasted. ‘That’s a rare breed.’
‘Affirmative, dude,’ Bunny nodded. ‘That’s why we decided to breed her last month. She only had four kits this time, and she thinks Browning is the runt. I think she licked her more than the others.’
At this juncture, Bunny poked his massive tongue out and allowed it to loll against his chin. Horace regarded this with some anxiety. To his relief, the organ was swiftly withdrawn.
‘Kits taste funny if you lick them,’ Bunny told him in a confidential manner. ‘It’s best to let their mammy do it. When I was small we used to own lots of bunnies, but now we only have Lavinia. We gave away the others when...’ He trailed off and a shadow stole across his pudgy features.
‘I can’t thank you enough for taking care of Browning,’ Horace jumped in to distract him. ‘I have to go to England soon. Will you able to take care of her while I’m away?’
‘No problem, dude,’ Bunny was successfully diverted. ‘Will you bring me back a present?’
‘I certainly shall,’ Horace replied with enthusiasm. ‘What are your interests?’
‘Trains and buckeyes.’
‘What the devil are buckeyes?’ Horace frowned.
Bunny reached into the pocket of his weathered blue jeans and pulled out a round, brown object with a string running through the centre. He held it up by the string and dangled it in front of the guest.
‘That’s a conker,’ Horace exclaimed.
‘That’s a negative, man,’ Bunny shook his head. ‘This here’s a buckeye. Wanna play?’
‘Why do you persist in speaking with an American accent?’ Horace demanded irately.
‘What accent would you like me to use?’ Bunny asked politely. ‘I can do them all.’
‘What do you mean, you can do them all?’ Horace slanted his eyes suspiciously. ‘Can you do mine? Better yet, can you do my brother?’
‘Fuck off and annoy somebody else, there’s a good fellow,’ Bunny said in an exact imitation of James.
‘Gosh,’ Horace grinned. ‘That’s uncanny. Can you do Clive?’
‘The English are genetically predisposed to be appalling rugby players,’ Bunny informed him in a perfect Welsh accent.
‘That’s excellent,’ Horace nodded approvingly. ‘Can you speak any languages, aside from English, of course?’
‘Goede jongen,’ was the proud response. ‘That’s Dutch for good boy.’
‘Have you ever tried to learn Latin?’
Bunny looked blank. ‘That’s a negative, dude,’ he said carefully, ‘but Jimmy taught me to play cricket. Is it like that?’
‘You play cricket?’ Horace perked up and forgot about Latin. ‘Do you play chess as well?’
‘Negative, man,’ Bunny shook his head sadly again. ‘Jimmy tried to teach me but the speriment was not a success. I’m a doofus.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ Horace replied kindly.
‘I’m a bloody awful cretinous heap of lard, and ought not be allowed near a chessboard ever again,’ Bunny switched back to James’s accent to stress the point.
‘I say,’ Horace looked shocked. ‘Damerel has no business talking to you in that way.’
‘Sometimes he has a bad attitude towards his fellow man,’ Bunny told the guest with a confidential air. ‘Are you going to fight him?’
Horace reeled back on the stool as if he had been shot. ‘Of course, I’m bloody well not going to fight Damerel,’ he cried hotly. ‘Nobody in their right mind would take on that rotter. Even as a child, he was evil. Long before the army got their mitts on him. They knew what they were doing when they took him off our hands. Don’t tell anyone I said this, Andrew, but Mummy was delighted when they accepted him. She said he may as well carve a career for himself doing something he loved. Fight him indeed!’
‘That’s a darn shame,’ Bunny said in disappointment. ‘There’s nothing better than a good mill.’
‘You know what a mill is?’ Horace looked curious.
‘Sure I do, man. Marco reads me his books about the ladies that carry fans, and ride side-saddle on their horses. Sometimes the men sneak off to watch a mill or get a trifle foxed. Another way of saying that is in his cups. The boss says men were just as annoying back then as they are today. She says the revolution has passed them by.’
‘Revolution?’ Horace looked puzzled. ‘Are you sure she said that?’
‘Yep,’ Bunny nodded vigorously. ‘The revolution has not been kind to men, that’s what she said.’
‘I’ll think you’ll find she said evolution,’ Horace said gently. ‘Do you know what that means?’
‘Yep,’ Bunny nodded happily. ‘It’s the reason we’re not still living in caves and lighting fires with sticks. Jack thinks cave living must have been fun except for no TV. The Dog loves the box. He thinks killing sabre tooth tigers might have been a bit of craic.’
‘Please don’t start speaking American again,’ Horace begged. ‘Why don’t you go and fetch a chess set, and I’ll teach you to play properly? Damerel is an impatient blighter. He probably gave up after ten minutes.’
‘I like the name Damerel,’ Bunny pushed the box containing Browning closer to Horace and skipped off. ‘It sounds like he should be in one of Marco’s books getting foxed.’
‘Be grateful Dam avoids the evil gargle,’ Horace spoke to thin air since Bunny was no longer there. ‘You honestly would not want to see that man when he’s in his cups.’
‘Surely you’re not that bad?’ in the drawing room, Charlie addressed James, who was wearing an unfathomable expression as he listened to the interaction between his brother and Bunny on the screen.
‘I’d rather not discuss it,’ he replied with a closed look.
‘That’s the reason I always believed Horace was a teacher,’ Dorothy ignored the comments about alcohol, and her brow puckered as she stared at the screen where her neighbour was setting up the chessboard.
‘What do you mean, Boss?’ James asked her warily.
‘He has the soul of a teacher,’ she replied. ‘I never really saw it before, but he can’t seem to resist the urge to help others learn. It’s such a shame your parents didn’t agree to him staying at Cambridge.’
‘They feel exactly the same way,’ James replied frostily, and withdrew from the room without further ado.
Jack poked his head around the door. ‘Right on schedule, Boss,’ he told her and disappeared again.
‘Dear, Lord,’ Dorothy looked at Simone, ‘please let this work.’
