Emilia was outside alone in the front garden, in the dark.
She was feeling numb and deadened inside, in such a state of anguish and disbelief that when someone suddenly loomed up in front of her she was barely startled, unable to comprehend who it was until he spoke.
‘Emilia, please don’t send me away. I had to come. How are you?’
‘Oh, it’s you, Ben. I thought I’d imagined a motor car stopping in the lane.’ Her voice was low and dull, then high-pitched and frantic, for Ben’s presence at this late hour reinforced the terrible truth she had learned today. ‘Perry’s told you about Jenna?’
‘He mentioned something. I guessed how serious things are. He said I should come tomorrow but I couldn’t wait till then. I got dinner over with as quickly as I could and drove the Boswelds home. What’s happening?’
From the glow of lights thrown out from the upstairs and sitting-room windows Emilia saw his hair was messed up, speaking of his hurry here. ‘It won’t be long. I’ve come outside to give Alec a couple of minutes with her alone then I’ll go in and we’ll stay together until it’s over. She looks so peaceful, as if she never really belonged in this world. She’s like a little clock winding down. I can’t… can’t believe it’s happening.’
‘Is Tris here?’
‘Yes. He and Winnie are taking care of the boys.’
‘Can I go in to say goodbye to Jenna? Would you mind?’
‘I’m glad you can put aside your bitter feelings, Ben, but Alec’s taking it hard. You’d better go. I must go in. I’ll send word…’ Her voice loaded with tears she turned to leave him.
He grabbed her arm. ‘Have you had Jenna christened?’
She nodded. ‘The rector came this afternoon.’
‘And he’s inside now?’
‘Yes. Waiting with my parents. They’re very upset.’
‘Everyone’s there but me. Alec never will forgive me, will he?’ The pressure he had on her arm became insistent. ‘Emilia, Em, you have to believe me. What I said in Winnie’s summer house was never meant to harm your baby. I’d never think that way. Never! I was just expressing my hope that Alec, and you too, I admit, would be taken down a peg or two, that’s all, I swear. You do believe me, don’t you?’
She gazed up at him, his face half in shadow, half in golden light, and saw him as handsome as a mythological hero and as fraught as a small, friendless boy. ‘It’s horrible when you’re accused of something you haven’t done, isn’t it, Ben? Something that should never have been thought of, let alone said.’
‘You’re talking about me accusing you of causing my blindness, aren’t you? Oh, God, Em, how ever did we get to this? We used to be so close.’
‘I can’t deal with your feelings now, Ben. Maybe one day we’ll talk about it.’ She pulled away from him and ran towards the door. Stopped and turned round. Ben had followed her part of the way. He paused on the lawn, stooped, forlorn and dejected. He was holding out his hands to her, quite helpless.
Despite her heartbreak and what she still had to face, she sensed his aching loneliness. That he had been feeling this way for years and it was even worse for him now, shut out of his old family home, misunderstood, shunned, unforgiven. ‘Stay here if you want, Ben. You’ll know when she’s gone, the windows will be darkened.’
‘Thanks, Em. It means a lot. And, Em, I’m sorry about Jenna. Sorry for the way I acted towards you all that time ago.’
Emilia nodded.
Then she went inside and upstairs to the room where Jenna had been conceived, where she and Alec would soon have to endure saying goodbye to her.
Ben’s eyes never left their bedroom window until an hour later when the lanterns were turned down low.