Light snuck up from under the basement door, so Ben stopped to listen from the top of the steps. The tap, tap, tap of Jake’s cell phone was all too familiar. Texting. California, no doubt. Like any kid these days, Jake could keep a half-dozen long-distance conversations going without ever saying a word. Ben walked down the stairs and found Jake slumped on the dilapidated couch off in the corner, legs pulled up high and elbows resting on his knees. Jake stared vacuously at the two-inch screen, totally absorbed by modern technology yet surrounded by relics from the Sawyer family past: an old television, several floor lamps, even furniture from Alex’s childhood bedroom. It seemed odd Jake would prefer the musty air and cramped space of a cellar to his room upstairs. But then again, Ben thought, anything to be clear of me. Ben shuffled his feet until he was certain Jake must have heard him. When the boy still didn’t acknowledge him, Ben spoke. “What’s up, Jake?”
“Nothing.” The voice was flat. “I just want to be alone, that’s all.”
Ben walked closer and hit Jake’s feet to signal he wanted room to sit. Jake scrunched his face with annoyance but swung his feet high onto the back of the couch, pulling the phone closer without missing a keystroke.
“Who you texting?”
Jake made no acknowledgment and Ben playfully swatted at the phone. “You deaf?”
Jake looked up as he slid the phone into the front pocket of his sweatshirt, his eyes contemptuous. “Seriously, Dad. I just want to be alone. Is that all right with you?”
Ben couldn’t take any more. “No, actually, it’s not. I mean come on, Jake. This is pretty hard on me too. It wouldn’t hurt if you—”
Jake cut him off. He sat up straight, swinging his feet to the floor almost kicking Ben in the head. “Are you kidding me? You think this is hard for you?”
Ben, shocked by the maturity and anger in the boy’s voice, fired back. “Yeah, Jake. I do.”
“Oh, man. Really, Dad. Just leave me alone.” The tone sounded like a warning. “You don’t even want to go there with me right now.”
“Hey, no problem, Jake. Let’s go.” Ben decided the hell with it. He’d speak from the heart. “Let me hear why it is you act like such a dick. Treating me like I’m the goddamn enemy. I’m doing everything—”
That was as far as he got.
“Fine. I’ll tell you why, Dad.” Jake slowed down to enunciate each word and syllable. “You—ruined—our—lives.”
The words hung in the air, and Ben stared ahead as if he were rereading them to make sure he heard it right. Jake went on.
“You and your lousy temper. Trying to be the badass cop. What did you think would happen when you did that?” Jake stood up and looked down at his father. “All that stuff you told me. Cops are the good guys. Cops help people. All that … bullshit. You ruined everything. We had to run away from California. Now Mom’s in jail.” Jake flopped back on the couch so he was lying down again, and his voice went quiet. “All this is because of you.”
Ben started to speak, then stopped. He groped for a response. The words cut deep. Words from his own son. He was ready to lash out, then he thought back to his fight with Alex.
“Ben, do you hear yourself? You sound like a damn child.”
Deep down Ben could feel the first inkling of anger, but it got no farther. He sat quiet, realizing for the first time that Jake had his own perspective on how they came to this point. His mom was in jail because Ben lost it on a hot summer day in Oakland. It was all a chain reaction as far as Jake was concerned, and it started with Ben. It was hard to argue with the simple logic.
“You’re right, Jake. I messed up. Big time. I can’t undo it.”
Jake’s voice was quiet. “Why, Dad? Why did you … almost kill that guy? You were a cop.”
Taken aback by the comment, Ben looked up. “I’m still a cop, Jake.”
Jake mumbled, “Barely.”
Another body blow. The insults just kept coming, and all from a boy who wasn’t even a teenager yet. Ben and Jake had never talked about that day. Never once. Maybe the time had come. “I’d just had enough. At that moment, I couldn’t take it anymore. A guy who thought he could kill a cop. Looking at me like he wanted to kill me. Like he hated me just for being who I was. I snapped. I blew it. Can you understand that, Jake?”
Father and son sat in silence, but then Ben spoke up. “I’m sorry, pal. I let you down. I messed up your life pretty bad. Mom’s too. But I want to make it right. I want to fix it.”
“Yeah, sure. Like I said, Mom’s in jail, if you forgot. Now it’s worse than ever. Even you went and got arrested.”
“I was trying to get her out. To get her home to you.”
“Well, she ain’t out. And she’s not getting out. I can read the paper, you know.”
Ben rested his head against the couch, trying to empty his mind, but it was impossible. His wife was in jail, headed for prison. His son blamed him for all their trouble. His father-in-law was starting to lose it for good. Staring ahead, Ben tried to block it all out by focusing on the dozen or more boxes stacked neatly on shelves against the nearby wall. Most of it was junk still stored after their forced return from California. The rest was from when Alex packed up her father’s belongings and moved him into Newberg Convalescent. Three of the boxes caught his eye, and he smiled in spite of himself.
“I’ll be damned…”
“What?” Jake asked.
Ben felt the pull of nostalgia. It was a waste of time, but he could use a nice walk down memory lane. Maybe Jake could too. He stood and pulled one of the boxes marked OFFICER LARS NORGAARD from the shelf. The heavy box dropped with a thud onto the cement floor. “You think cops are all bad, Jake? That cops in Newberg are what? Posers? Isn’t that what you guys say?”
Jake smirked. “No, Dad. Nobody has said that in like a million years.”
Ben blew it off. “Say what you want about Newberg PD, but I’ll tell you this. Your grandpa was a hell of a cop.”
Ben pulled back the cardboard top of the box at his feet, knowing what he would find. Inside was a series of identical logbooks, the spines facing upward and stamped with the year in gold-embossed numbers. Twelve books stored in perfect chronological order, each one an inch thick. He picked up a volume at random and opened it, thinking it wasn’t that long ago the world existed without laptops, cell phones, and iPads. Inside, he saw page after page of neat, handwritten entries. Dated and timed.
Jake stole a look, trying his best not to seem the least bit curious. His youth got the better of him. “What are those? They look like ancient scrolls or something.”
It was Ben’s turn to be the smart-ass. “Yeah, Jake. Right. Grandpa’s ancient scrolls.”
Both Jake and Ben laughed, and just for a few seconds it felt almost normal. It all came back. Ben remembered the days when he did his best to find any reason to hang around the Norgaard clan. “I haven’t seen these things in years. I used to watch your grandpa when he got home from patrol. He’d sit and write down everything he did that day. Tickets, reports, arrests. Anything he did, he wrote it down. I’d sit with him and get some pretty good stories out of it.” Ben looked at his son. “You know, I used to tell you stories too. When I would come home from work back in Oakland. You used to really like that stuff.”
“Yeah, I remember. You had some good ones.”
Ben pulled out the book from Lars’s rookie year. The pages were stiff under his fingers and he turned them with care. Going back over thirty years, he found himself reading the entries not as a cop but more like a son. He was young again. Alex too. Time’s gone by, he thought. Years and years of family history in his hands.
No. Ben leaned forward. Not family history. Lars’s history. All of it. Right here. Ben sat and thought for a moment. He reached down and pulled out a more recent book, fanning through the pages like a deck of cards.
Lars had been trying to tell him something the other day, something about Harley. Could it be a name? Did it involve Alex somehow? Anybody’s guess, he thought. Only Lars could know, but what if? What if the name was somewhere in one of these books?
“Jake, I think maybe we can help Mom.”
“What are you talking about?”
Ben gestured to the box at his feet. “Grandpa might have written something in one of these books that will help us bring Mom home.”
“Where? Which one?” Ben could tell that Jake wanted the answer immediately. He wanted his mother home tonight.
“I don’t know yet. We’d have to look through all of them. Every book. We have to look for a particular name, but it could be here.”
“Dad, there are like a hundred books.” Jake sat up and used his foot to pull back the box top and looked inside. “It’ll take forever.”
“No. There should be about thirty of them and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. We can do this, Jake. This could help Mom.” Ben looked at his son. “Seriously. What do you say?”
Jake, still reluctant, leaned down and pulled a book from the middle of the box. His voice lacked conviction, but he opened the journal in his lap. “What’re we looking for?”
“Grandpa has been trying to tell me something. I’m pretty sure it has to do with Mom. A name. Harley. H-A-R-L-E-Y. It’s in here somewhere, Jake. I’m sure of it.”
Jake gave Ben a sideways glance. “And if we find it, you’re telling me Mom can come home?”
Ben took a book of his own. “It’ll be a start. Let’s find it and go from there. But one way or another, Jake, Mom is coming home.”