Ben stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, rubbing at his crow’s feet, which were becoming more pronounced by the day, especially first thing in the morning. He ran a hand over his rough chin and figured he’d shave at the department. Less noise. He squeezed toothpaste onto his finger and rubbed it over his teeth, then pulled a brush through his thick, close-cropped hair. He blew out hard, looking at the half-dozen more gray hairs that seemed to have sprung up overnight at his temples. The early-morning light was enough for him to dress by. Gym bag in hand, he was heading for the door when Alex stirred and said, “Do you really need to go in this early?”
Ben stopped, angry with himself that he hadn’t gotten up an hour earlier, when he could have slipped out unnoticed.
“I want to hit the gym before work. I’ll give you a call later this morning.”
Alex was in no mood to play nice. She rolled over in bed, turning her back to her husband. “No, you won’t, but if you’re going to be late for dinner, at least let me know. Jake and I will just go ahead and eat.”
Ben stood in the doorway and looked at his wife. He’d known her for his entire life. They grew up together, were high school sweethearts. Hell, they practically ran away together. The return to Newberg had been hard on both of them, and he didn’t deny he’d become a real prick to live with. He set the gym bag on the floor and gave a thought to crawling back into bed. Maybe form up next to her, eliminate every bit of at least the physical distance between them. She’d be a little put off, but he knew she’d take some comfort from the gesture. The best he could bring himself to do was sit at the foot of the bed, making sure not to get too close.
“What are you saying, Alex? You don’t think I’m at work? Where else am I going to go? Hit the Newberg hot spots? Drink a few beers with all my buddies from the PD?”
She seized the moment as if she’d been lying in wait, her voice laced with sarcasm. “Oh, poor Ben. Are the other boys being mean to you?”
Ben narrowed his eyes and stared, ready to tell Alex where to stick her smart-ass comments, but she didn’t give him the chance.
“Ben, do you hear yourself? You sound like a damn child.”
She threw the covers back, got out of bed, and headed for the closet. She pulled on a Santa Clara sweatshirt, punching her arms through the sleeves, then yanking it down over her head and flat belly. Her blue eyes shone clear, and Ben had no doubt he’d been set up. Alex had been awake for a while, itching for a fight. She lobbed the first salvo like a stun grenade.
“You’re not a child, Ben, and I shouldn’t have to act like your mother. I’m just saying I’d appreciate some common courtesy. If you don’t want to come home for dinner with your family, fine. Just let me know. We’ll make do on our own.”
Ben started to respond, but she cut him off. Salvo number two. “And by the way, this pity trip bullshit has got to end. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and deal with reality. We’re here, Ben. Get used to it.”
Right to the gut, both times. Alex never had gone for the soft-sell approach, but that didn’t mean Ben couldn’t hit back.
“So, what then? I’ll be a bumpkin cop while you play wet nurse to your dad?”
Ben saw her shoulders tighten and knew he had struck a nerve.
“He’s not getting any better, Alex, and we can’t keep paying for that country club he’s living in. How much longer do you think Newberg PD is going to keep me around? Believe me, every day Jorgensen looks for a new reason to dump my ass. Hell, even if he can’t find some way to fire me, between him and McKenzie and the rest of that crew, they’ll make me miserable enough I’ll have to quit. Shit, it’s already started. If this is it—if Newberg is all we got—you might want to think about figuring out how to be the breadwinner. That should be interesting.”
It was full-on now. Ben watched as Alex closed the distance, stepping from the shadows into the early-morning light. Like Ben, she had just turned thirty-five, but physically, the woman could still stop a clock. A collegiate volleyball player, she had managed to keep a trim, athletic figure. Her tan wasn’t as deep as when they lived in California but enough that her skin had a healthy outdoor tone. Ben had always taken pride in her beauty. Even now, he wanted to pull her to the bed, but her next line reminded him they were in the middle of a fight.
“Hey, pal, if it weren’t for my dad, we’d be on the streets, thanks to you and that hot-ass temper of yours.” Alex stopped abruptly, knowing she had gone too far. “Ben, I didn’t mean … look, let’s just calm down. I don’t want to fight—”
He was heading for the door, any lingering affection gone. Anger filled his voice when he said, “You’re right, Alex. All this is on me. Your dad is the hero here. Hell, why did we ever go to California to begin with? Maybe I should’ve followed in your daddy’s footsteps all along. I coulda spent my whole career being his boy, huh? What was I thinking?”
That had been the plan, as far as Lars Norgaard was concerned. He’d intended Ben to marry his daughter in a proper, traditional Newberg wedding, not some ten-minute gig in a Las Vegas chapel. At some later date Lars would have handed Ben the keys to the kingdom. Alex and Ben had had different plans, but in the end, all these years later, here they were. The only problem was, there hadn’t been any kingdom to hand off.
“Ben, please. Don’t leave angry.” Alex took two steps closer. “I’m sorry. I was out of line, but Ben, we never talk. All of this, my dad, work, everything … We’ve got to talk. Stay home for a while, maybe take the day off. It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“Doesn’t have to be like what? Honest? I think we could use a dose of honesty.” He picked up his bag, opened the door, and lowered his voice to a normal level. “And as long as we’re being honest, you should know. I put a call into an old commander of mine. He left Oakland a few years back to be an assistant chief in Fresno. He thinks enough time has gone by that he can get me a job as a midlevel patrol officer. If he can come through, we’re outta here. You’re welcome to join us.”
“Us?”
“Jake will come with me. You know he’d pick home over this place any day.”
“Ben, how can you even think like that?” Finally, her voice broke. “My dad needs me. I can’t leave him. We belong here. This is home now.”
“It’s your call, Alex.” Ben tried to sound resolute but failed and found himself regretting that he had even brought it up. “Anyway, nothing’s happened yet. I just thought you should know.”
“Know what?” The voice came from the hallway, and both Alex and Ben turned to see Jake standing in the doorway. Jake was wearing his typical sleepwear: sweatpants and a worn-out Oakland A’s T-shirt. Ben could never look at that shirt without thinking he bought if for Jake at a ball game a week before all hell broke loose. “What about California? Are we moving back home?”
Ben looked at his wife and saw she was still reeling from his low-blow comment. Now his son was standing in front of him, and Ben could see by the look on the boy’s face that he was wide awake and expecting an answer to his questions.
“Mom and I are just talking, Jake,” Ben said to his son. “Go back to bed. It’s really early.”
“I’m not stupid, Dad,” Jake said, and Ben picked up on the usual disrespect in his tone. “You weren’t talking, you were fighting, but whatever. I just want to know if we’re moving back home?” Jake’s gaze flicked back and forth between his mom and dad. “Cuz if we are, it’s great with me. Let’s go.”
Ben heard an audible sigh from his wife before she spoke. “Jake, this is our home now. Dad works here and Grandpa needs us.”
Jake took a step closer to his parents. “Yeah, but—”
Ben cut him off. “We’re not fighting and we’re not going anywhere. Now go back to bed.”
Not going anywhere. Ain’t that the damn truth, Ben thought.
Jake spun around and headed back to his room. He was physically big for his age, but it seemed to Ben that in the last year emotionally the boy had regressed. “Nobody ever asks me what I want. I didn’t even want to come here in the first place.”
Ben waited for the inevitable slam of the door and he was not disappointed. He stared down the hallway at where his son had disappeared. Jake still resented the move, and Ben knew the boy blamed him. Ben also knew he was right.
Alex took a step forward and touched Ben on the arm. Her expression had softened, and a wave of affection washed over him. If he reached out now, right now, it might really matter. It would matter to Alex. To Jake. It could put them on the path to recovery. Just a touch, a phone call to work that said, “I’m not coming in today.” Ben knew that was all it would take.
Alex looked directly into his eyes, and her voice broke. “I love you, Ben. I don’t want it to be like this. We can be happy here. We need to pull together.”
Ben considered her words, holding her gaze all the while, then stepped around her.
He walked out without another word to his wife, even though his heart was filled with so much love, pain, and sorrow that he could only wonder how it was that he survived such extremes.