It was the Commandant’s cocktail party. Josh, entering the mess with two fellow cadets, felt the buzz in the room. The passing-out parade was getting close and every cadet officer felt edgy.
The three men scanned the full room automatically for talent.
‘Mmm, quite a few yummy mummies here tonight,’ David said.
‘Commandant’s wife really is a stunner.’ Guy whistled low under his breath.
‘I’ve heard the daughter is tasty, too. Wonder if she’s here.’
Josh said nothing. His eyes were still roaming around the room. He had passed this daughter – whom he now knew was named Marika – frequently on his runs and they had grinned at each other as they sweated past, neither stopping to speak.
A crowd of people in the far corner parted and Josh saw her suddenly, surrounded by instructors. David and Guy grabbed a drink from a passing tray and made an unswerving and obvious beeline for that end of the room. Josh stayed where he was, his heart sinking. What was the point? She was hardly going to be interested in talking to cadet officers when she had the pick of the mess.
He drank two gins in quick succession. Nell was probably right, a career in the army was certainly going to affect his liver. He continued to loiter on the outskirts of the noisy flow of conversation and bursts of laughter. Sunday tomorrow. After church parade he would go for a long ride. If he had not had this passion to fly he would have chosen a cavalry regiment because of the horses. But flying was a little world of its own and he couldn’t wait to join it.
It had been great to ride again, though. He had the pick of the horses at Sandhurst, beautiful thoroughbreds. Riding always relaxed him. He had missed Hal when he left home. Nell and Gabby had lent his horse to a girl in the village because Hal had needed regular exercise and they could no longer find the time to ride every day.
At the far end of the room he saw Guy and David had got themselves into the circle of people surrounding Marika. She was tall, as tall as some of the officers, and very blonde, that sexy pale Scandinavian blonde. Marika and her mother, Uli, were Croatian. Everyone knew the Commandant had met and fallen in love with her on his tour in Bosnia. He had eventually brought Uli and her daughter back to England. No one knew what had happened to her first husband, though fantasy and speculation were rife. Jokey rumours abounded of the Commandant having him shot.
Josh looked up and across the room, searching for someone he wanted to have a conversation with. He was being unsociable and he was not circulating, and this was expected of him. He sighed. He was bloody knackered after two sessions in the gym. Josh could not bear to fall below his own standards. He had a horror of failing, of not being quite good enough.
At that moment he caught Marika’s eye across the room. She moved her mouth in a half smile and lifted her eyebrows slightly, her eyes signalling Rescue me.
Josh made his way across the room to her little entourage, amused.
‘Hi,’ he said when he reached her. ‘I think we’ve passed each other running, puffing in opposite directions.’ He held out his hand. ‘I’m Josh.’
The girl laughed and took his hand. ‘Yes, but your speed is greater than mine.’
‘Oh, so you already know Josh?’ David said in a peeved voice.
‘Notice you kept that quiet,’ Guy said, sotto voce out of the side of his mouth, the art of subtlety having passed him by.
‘We have not spoken,’ Marika said, still staring at Josh. ‘I am Marika.’
Josh laughed. ‘I know!’
How sweet that she would think anyone in Sandhurst might not know who she was. Waiters moved about with trays of canapés and people drifted and moved, broke up and re-formed, leaving Josh and Marika together.
‘Would you have even come to talk to me if I had not made signs across the room?’ Marika asked him accusingly.
‘It would never have occurred to me that you might need rescuing.’
‘I see. So you would not have come to speak with me? You would have ignored me all evening, despite the fact I have passed you every day running? How very rude.’
Josh burst out laughing at her injured tone. ‘Marika …’ How lovely the name sounded, saying it for the first time. ‘You are always surrounded by the entire military establishment. I was not going to jostle and hassle for your attention.’
‘But do you not realize how frightening this is, to be surrounded?’
Josh looked at her closely and saw that she meant it.
‘I hadn’t, no.’
Close up, she was amazing. Peachy skin and strange, unfathomable eyes, a sort of greeny-blue. They regarded him steadily and something fleeting passed through Josh, a déjà vu, gone before he could catch it.
‘Are you busy when this finishes or could you have supper with me?’ Josh asked quickly.
Marika’s face lit up. ‘I thought you would never ask me. Come, talk to my parents. They are, of course, having a dinner party for the instructors, but I don’t think they will mind if I abscond.’
She guided him firmly towards the Commandant and Josh’s heart sank. She introduced him to her mother. ‘Uli, this is Josh …’
‘… Josh Ellis.’ Josh shook her hand. Same eyes. Similar smile.
‘Hello, Josh,’ she said, her voice very English.
‘Sir,’ Josh said nervously to the Commandant.
‘Would it be all right to go and have supper with Josh? I know you were expecting me home …’
Her mother laughed. ‘Why, Marika, are you trying to get out of our little dinner party?’ She turned to her husband. ‘Darling, would you mind? It is her last night?’
The Commandant smiled. ‘Of course I don’t mind.’ He shot a glance at Josh. ‘Bring her back at a decent time. You are on church parade tomorrow.’
‘Yes, sir.’
Josh guided her out of the room quickly before his friends caught up with him. They ran down the steps clutching hands while Josh pulled his mobile out of his pocket to ring for a taxi. They walked under the trees and along the wide road towards the gate in silence. Happiness soared in Josh. Ever since he had caught a glimpse of Marika at the guard house returning from Cornwall, he had, in a way, been certain this would happen.
Marika turned to him under the shadows of the chestnut trees.
‘I have a confession to make.’
‘Oh yes? You are married with twins?’
She smiled. ‘Don’t be silly. I changed my running time to the afternoon in the hope that you would speak to me.’
He pulled her closer. ‘Did you now?’
‘But you never stopped.’
‘Ah, but I take my training very seriously! And I couldn’t bear to seem too keen, or to get the brush-off.’
‘Would you have ever spoken to me if I had not smiled at you tonight?’
‘Oh yes. I saw you at the guardhouse once, but you didn’t see me. The cheeky bugger on duty said you were out of my league, but …’
Marika kissed his mouth and retreated quickly. ‘Every day I see you running. I watch you in church and in the mess and once in town, but you never come over to me. Everybody but you …’
Josh wound his arms round her and she leant against him, closed her eyes.
It seems to have taken so long to be here, in this place.
Josh. She had practised his name silently on her tongue. He was dark, enigmatic. A clever face that gave little away … a fantastic body … So many good-looking officers buzzing round her like bees, except him. And now, this.
She sighed, and they continued to the gate where their taxi waited. Inside it Josh picked up her hand.
‘I guess,’ he said carefully, ‘I was afraid of making a move. Also, truthfully, I am preoccupied with passing out, Marika. A lot rides on it. Acceptance in the regiment of your choice … and it’s bloody physically demanding …’
‘Oh, I understand. I am in the middle of my finals,’ Marika interrupted. ‘It is not the right time to get involved, I know this. But I also know that I must have you … to …’
She searched for words. ‘For the future … so we don’t miss each other. Do you understand?’
Josh grinned. ‘I think so. You mean it’s not the time to get involved at the moment, but we can sort of make a claim, a declaration of intent, for later?’
Marika laughed. ‘Yes, yes. Something like that.’
‘So what are we doing tonight? Having supper, forming an understanding … then saying goodbye?’
‘No. Tonight, I hope, we are sleeping together because we must.’
Startled, Josh laughed nervously. ‘My God, Marika, you don’t beat about the bush, do you?’
‘That is what my stepfather says to my mother. But, you see, we have lived with war and so we must not lose a moment in English reserve. We say what we mean.’
As they paid the taxi, Josh thought of the complications of sleeping with the Commandant’s stepdaughter, while knowing it was exactly what he wanted and was going to do. They booked a room in the best hotel and ordered room service as both of them were starving. They pooled their limited resources, giggling. One night here was practically one week’s wages. But, as they said later, it was worth every penny to circumnavigate weeks of socially circling each other. It also felt right. No awkwardness, just an immediate feeling of belonging. They lay and talked in the dark impersonal room, and Josh felt happier and more relaxed than he had for months.
‘You do not talk to your friends about this, I hope?’ Marika said sleepily.
‘You are joking?’
‘How lovely if we could stay here all night together.’
‘We’ve got a whole lifetime.’
‘Yes. How is it we already know each other?’
‘Haven’t a clue. You’re a witch.’
‘A white one.’
‘Of course.’ Josh sat up and looked down at her and felt suddenly overwhelmed. ‘You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Marika. How am I going to bear it, knowing that every other male will be lusting after you?’
‘First, I am not the most beautiful woman, there are squillions, and secondly, it is the same for me.’
She sat up and held his face. ‘It is the same for me. I think you are the sexiest and most lovely man I have ever seen. I’ve noticed the way girls look at you, and you have that air of not being interested which makes you irritatingly irresistible.’
‘Do you think it possible we could be biased?’
‘I’m not.’
‘Well, I’m certainly not.’
‘What if we had been terrible in bed together? You know, one of those fumbling farces?’
Josh did know, only too well. He laughed and got out of bed. ‘It wasn’t going to happen. It is something you instinctively know. It’s chemical.’
‘Like an experiment?’ Marika sat up and jiggled the bed up and down happily.
‘Marika, get dressed! We must watch the time. I don’t want to do extra orderly officer, even for you.’
Marika made for the shower. ‘Do we just brazenly walk out of this hotel together? How do we leave with dignity?’
‘I’ll order a taxi while you shower. Then we walk down to reception with utter aplomb and say that we have just had an urgent phone call and must leave immediately, and I’ll pay the bill while you go outside for the taxi. Of course, they know perfectly well, we have no luggage, but we leave insouciantly with panache.’
Marika nodded gravely. ‘We leave with insouciant panache. Got it.’
Josh threw her dress at her. ‘GO! Shower quickly!’
In the taxi, Marika suddenly looked vulnerable. ‘I leave at midday tomorrow, back to Durham. I won’t see you at church tomorrow, Josh. Uli’s driving me to London because the Sunday trains are crap from here.’
‘I’ve got your mobile,’ Josh said. ‘I’ll ring you while you’re on the train. I’ll try and ring you every day, even if it is a quick one. OK?’
‘Don’t lose my number. We can text, too, and I could leave messages, couldn’t I?’
‘Of course you can. After my passing out and your finals, we’ll take off. Goa, perhaps – somewhere right away, just the two of us.’
‘Don’t forget me, Josh.’
‘No chance of that. I’ve been head-over-heels in love with you for weeks. Love at first sight.’
‘Well, I loved you before I even spoke to you.’
‘Clever girl!’
They hugged each other until the taxi turned into the married quarters. Marika slipped out and ran to the front door, turned and blew a kiss and was gone.
Josh could not sleep. He could still smell and feel her in the dark. Would he be able to focus tomorrow? Thank God it was Sunday. Only church parade and curry lunch in the mess. Then a long ride … He thought of home. Charlie, Gabby, Nell. They seemed so far away, like a different life.
As he began to fall asleep, he saw clearly, in one of those moments when it is difficult to know whether it is fantasy or truth, a glimpse of his own future. He saw himself in an unknown landscape. There was a woman beside him who had a small child by the hand. Her stomach was swollen and distended with another. The dream was erotic and visceral; that woman, those babies, his. The dream or fantasy felt so real and sensual that Josh was desperate to hold on to it in the dark, but it slid away into oblivion leaving a strange hollow place where it had been.