Returning to London after Josh’s rescue was like finding an oasis. Gabby did not need to explain or talk to Mark, he just let her slide through those first days, sleeping and reading, walking with him and listening to music. When she felt like talking, he was there.
She moved about the London house touching things, glad they were in the same place they had always been, like a cat re-establishing territory after an absence.
Lucinda was proving a good friend. Gabby needed to work but found she could only manage short bursts of concentration and Lucinda, noticing, put her in touch with a couple of clients who had smaller paintings to restore.
It was not just the fright with Josh that had knocked Gabby off course. It was Charlie, her life and Mark. Life suddenly seemed tenuous, in the moment of moving on but not yet reaching anywhere lasting.
She and Mark spent a lot of time walking through parks, where the trees were beginning to shed their leaves, and along the river. Sometimes they walked in silence as they thought about the reality of what they were both about to do. Sometimes they gently rehearsed the things they might say. Both felt joy at the thought of being together and equal dread at the distress and anger and recriminations involved.
Mark had actually booked a flight to return home for Veronique’s hospital appointment, but had cancelled it when Gabby rang from Cornwall. He told Gabby about Veronique and she immediately felt guilty.
‘Mark! You should have told me. I would have understood.’
‘There is no way I could have flown home at that point, Gabriella.’
‘But her need might have been greater than mine.’
‘It might have been,’ Mark agreed, ‘and that would have been on my conscience. But it wasn’t. Her tests were negative.’
‘But,’ Gabby said, ‘your wife won’t see it like that, Mark. She will only see that you didn’t travel back to support her when you knew it was possible the outcome could have been quite different.’
‘You’re right, and that’s why I must fly back in the next week or so and talk to Veronique and the girls. My daughters will give me the third degree and I want to be honest.’
They were standing near a huge plane tree. Mark smiled as he put his hand out to touch the vast trunk.
‘I bet this guy has heard it all before, the machinations of human beings and what they do for love. I bet he’s glad he’s a tree.’
Gabby stared at him, suddenly remembering how much more he used to laugh.
‘Mark, I have never asked you to leave your family. I can go on as we are … or if …’
‘Hey … hey, Gabriella … stop right there …’ Mark pulled her to him leaning against the tree. ‘That must have come out all wrong. A sort of feeble joke that sounded cynical. I’m sorry. I’m as much a coward as the next man. I admit I’m dreading having to confront my family. But I can’t go back to my old life, I don’t want to. I love you, possibly more than you will ever know, Gabriella Ellis …’
He placed his hands either side of her face. ‘I love you so much it hurts. I moved here to be in an empty house and when it is empty of you the heart goes out of it.’
Gabby reached up to kiss his mouth, hesitated and then said, ‘Mark, when Josh was captured I felt the only person who knew exactly what it felt like was Charlie. In a way I was closer to him than I’ve ever been. Josh was safe, back in Kuwait, but one day I completely lost it … just lost control. Charlie comforted me and then we were suddenly making love. Everything was sort of heightened. I thought, for one minute, maybe, maybe we can start again, change and be closer …’
Gabby stopped and Mark was very still, watching her, wondering what more was coming.
Gabby laughed shortly but there were tears in her eyes. She moved slightly away from him. ‘But you know what, Mark? It wasn’t that at all, it was the end. Charlie was embarrassed at how we had behaved. He didn’t want to be any closer than we already were. He wanted life to go on just as it had before. No emotional demands.’
She met Mark’s eyes. ‘I’m telling you this because I’ll never know if I could really have started again. I do not love Charlie in the way I love you. I never have, and maybe I believed for a second the two of us could reach a place of closer fondness, if not love, because of all that had happened and because we were so lucky Josh wasn’t killed.
‘What hurt was I would have tried, despite loving you. Charlie could not even try, not for even a second. Because you see, Mark, he doesn’t love me in the least and he was sweating like hell in case I had suddenly got the wrong impression. So … life is ironic.’
They started to walk slowly towards the gate. Gabby was cold and Mark tucked her hand in his pocket. They were about to have an early supper and then the university were putting on Carmen.
Mark said, ‘I knew there was a strong possibility that I would lose you and I would have understood. I knew if Veronique had cancer I couldn’t leave her. On my own here I became like Eeyore, convinced fate was going to keep us apart, prevent us from ever having a life together. Let’s guard what we have, Gabriella. We are so damn lucky to have a reprieve.’
Gabby stopped walking and turned to him again.
‘In Cornwall you seemed so far away. I had this stupid superstition that if I opened your e-mails or rang you Josh would be killed as punishment. When I heard your voice on the phone it was as if I had woken from a nightmare and there you were … So wonderful. There you were!’
They walked through the underpass and hailed a taxi.
‘Will you go back to Cornwall when I fly home?’ Mark asked in the taxi. ‘Do you know any more about Josh’s leave?’
‘No. Mark, I can’t say anything to Josh yet, it is too soon after his fright. I just couldn’t …’
‘Gabriella, you couldn’t possibly do it now. You’ll have to judge it carefully, as I will. I mentioned you going back only because I know you’re worrying about Nell.’
‘I am.’ Gabby sighed. ‘When I’ve finished the painting I’m working on I think I will go back while you’re away and spend some time with her.’
‘Do you believe you’ll lose Nell?’
‘I think she’ll feel betrayed. I think I’ll lose her for a while.’
Her happiness was dissipating and Mark said softly, ‘Shall we put our other lives away just for this evening, my love? Our time together is precious.’
‘Yes,’ Gabby said. ‘Yes it is. You’re right. Just a moment a word, and it’s gone … Why are you smiling?’
‘I see you also have a bit of Eeyore in you.’
Gabby giggled, leant against him in the taxi and watched the swarms of people heading home in the rush hour.
Nell noticed how quiet Charlie was after Gabby decided to go back to London. It seemed so sudden, her departure, although Nell could understand Gabby’s need to get back to normal, and she had been disappointed that Josh could still not get home on leave.
Nell had spoken to Josh and he sounded his old self, just rather fed-up as the army were prevaricating about any leave for pilots at the moment. He wanted to come home for a while as much as they all needed to see him. Josh and his colleagues had been told if they wanted immediate leave they must pay for the flight home. Nell had been outraged.
‘Don’t tell Gabby, Nell, she’ll do her nut and write e-mails or something to the BBC and I will get court-martialled!’
‘Don’t be so sure I won’t dash a few letters off myself, my lad.’
‘Granny, Granny, please …’
Nell smiled to herself, marvelling at the ability of the young to bounce back. She picked up her basket and went to search for eggs. She shooed two broody hens out of the nesting box.
‘Come on, girls, it’s too late in the year. Go on out or I’ll put you in the pot!’
Charlie crossed the yard and heard her. He held up a handful of small brown eggs.
‘One of them is laying in the barn again.’
‘I thought so!’ Nell exclaimed. ‘I saw Maisie coming out of there yesterday.’
Charlie placed them in her basket.
‘Have you had breakfast?’ Nell asked.
‘Not yet.’
‘Would you like a cooked breakfast with one of these eggs?’
Charlie laughed. ‘Good heavens, Nell! Are you really offering to clog my arteries?’
‘I just thought you were looking a bit thin.’
‘I’d love a cooked breakfast. I’m going to plough up the east field later on. I was wondering … I haven’t put it to Alan yet … about going into soft fruit. Strawberries. Pick your own. What do you think?’
Nell put the egg basket down on the kitchen table and turned the Aga up. She had a distinct sense that Charlie was making conversation in order to deflect anything Nell might have to ask. Am I that transparent? she wondered.
‘It’s a lot of work. It can be financially rewarding, but so much depends on the weather.’
‘Doesn’t everything?’ Charlie switched the kettle on.
As Nell fried his bacon the telephone went. It was Josh. Charlie grinned happily. ‘That’s great, son, really great. When? OK … No, she’s in London … I’m sure she won’t mind. Give her a ring … Oh, right. OK. Nell or I will ring her. Do you want her to meet you off the plane? All right, son. See you soon.’
‘He’s coming home?’ Nell asked excitedly.
‘Yes, he’s flying back on Friday. He wants to bring Marika with him. He can’t ring Gabby because she’s on a mobile. Will you give her a ring, Nell?’
‘Of course.’
‘Why are you looking like that?’
‘Well, I just wondered if Gabby might have liked to see Josh on his own.’
Charlie stared at her. ‘Honestly! I wonder how Josh cut the apron strings at all!’
‘Wouldn’t you have quite liked to see him on your own?’
‘I’m just happy he’s coming home, Nell.’
As if I’m not! Nell would have quite liked to bang the frying pan over Charlie’s head. Although of course he was right.
She put his breakfast in front of him and made herself a coffee.
‘Everything is all right with you and Gabby, Charlie?’
He looked up. ‘Why shouldn’t it be?’
‘I don’t know. She was very upset and frail and she suddenly took off.’
‘I expect she was asked to clean a picture or something. Best thing. Pointless her sitting here brooding, waiting for Josh to come home.’
Something in his voice. Nell said evenly, ‘You both got the most terrible fright, you know, Charlie. You might not think it, but that sort of trauma leaves an aftermath, in you as well as Gabby.’
‘Rubbish! I’m fine.’
Then, abruptly, Charlie put his knife and fork down.
‘You know what gets me about women? You must make melodrama out of everything. Analyse every damn emotion until it becomes a major incident. My God, how did people get on in two wars for God’s sake? It really bugs me, Nell.’
He went back to his breakfast and Nell, startled, watched him for a moment. There was a small muscle going in his cheek, a sure sign he was disturbed about something. Nell could have said, In the war people came back with shell shock, with huge emotional trauma which affected them and the people close to them for the rest of their lives. But she didn’t.
I am growing old, she thought. I can’t be bothered any longer to engage. When did this ennui start to creep up on me? This feeling of lethargy and pointlessness. A feeling of change and impermanence when there is none. The need to sleep longer, to drink a little more in the evenings.
The pleasure in a new day had vanished. These mornings, when the sun slid in through the window and crept across the bed along with the same familiar noises, Nell thought, What have I got to get up for?
I am not yet old, but I have outgrown myself. A strange feeling.
Charlie said, in a different voice, a sort of apology for his outburst, ‘I thought I might go up to the Caradons’, speak to Sarah. They’ve been doing pick and grow for years.’
‘Good idea,’ Nell said. ‘I must get on. I’ll ring Gabby from the cottage. Have a good day.’
‘You, too. I might have a quick sandwich in the pub as I’m that way, save me coming all the way home.’
Nell walked back across the yard. It would be quite wonderful to see Josh again. For the first time she felt glad he had got away from the farm, from Cornwall. Too invidiously small a canvas. Perhaps she should have gone when Ted died, back to a different life. However, she knew she could not have borne to miss out on Josh or Gabby.
As she dialled Gabby’s mobile number a little worm of a thought burrowed upwards. Did Charlie dislike women?