11

Don’t Let Your Focus Waver

‘I’m not strategic? How dare they!’ Shirin burst out as she looked at the evaluation she had received from the Shape of Success programme. ‘Women get this feedback when they’re so good at executing that they’re loaded with execution tasks and not given time to be strategic. This is Glam’s fault not mine!’

‘The results are fixed,’ Upasana said. ‘The guru was so mad at us for giggling that he’s given us the worst feedback. He did say that we deserved Circle of Cynicism,’ she reminded us. She began peering at her phone screen, while I handed Shirin a Starbucks cup with SERENE written unironically on it.

‘He probably got zeroes in school and hasn’t exited those circles yet,’ Shirin muttered.

‘I got Circle of Connections,’ I said with a shrug. ‘Apparently, I need to work on my people skills.’

‘Really?’ Upasana said. ‘I thought your last few performance evaluations claimed you were too nice and not pushy enough.’

‘I think I may have worked on it too well,’ I said as I rolled my eyes. ‘Either that or it’s a case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t.’

‘As always, women have to work twice as hard to be thought of as half as good,’ Shirin said.

‘Pentagon of Patience,’ Upasana announced, as she tossed her phone on Shirin’s desk. ‘OK, this evaluation was definitely created by a man. It’s like a rulebook for How to Check Your Unconscious Bias.’

Shirin took a sip of her coffee. ‘This’ll be like all our mandatory workshops—the results won’t be used. These evaluations must be lining Ranjani’s dustbin already!’

‘Yeah, the dustbin is circular,’ Upasana winked. We all laughed.

‘Listen, can you swap your meeting slot with Abhimanyu tomorrow?’ Shirin suddenly asked me. ‘I have a meeting on Friday, but I need to take the day off for a doctor’s appointment.’

I had carefully booked the slot after poring over Abhimanyu’s horoscope, and tomorrow was the best day for this presentation this week. I had even sweet-talked Ranjani into letting me book ‘Mt Everest’, his favourite meeting room even though I hated it because it was the coldest.

‘I need to get the approval as soon as I can,’ I tried stalling.

‘I know! This shouldn’t make a difference,’ she replied. ‘My meeting is first thing on Friday morning so you’re only losing a couple of hours. Please! I can’t move my appointment,’ she pressed.

‘You know how well I cope with last-minute changes,’ I attempted to crack a weak joke.

She arched her well-shaped eyebrow at me. Upasana quietly walked away. Damn, I could’ve used some support. But Upasana never took sides. Shirin also seemed to have expected Upasana to take her side. She gave Upasana’s retreating back a cold stare.

‘Actually, why don’t you find a slot next week?’ I said as Shirin continued to glare at me. I couldn’t look her in the eye, so I stared at the Starbucks cup as if the letters would suddenly morph into something I could say to smooth things over.

‘I’ve to go over the marketing metrics for last month. I need to get all the department leads to sign off and get it to Ash this week. He won’t be okay if I postpone this,’ she insisted.

I bit my nail. I didn’t know what to say, but I really couldn’t give her my slot. I wondered if there was an easy way to end this conversation on an amicable note.

‘Well?’ she challenged. Something in her tone set me off.

‘If it’s that important, you could’ve blocked the slot yourself,’ I said, coming off a little sharper than I had intended. ‘It’s not like you didn’t know about the review or your doctor’s appointment!’

‘This appointment was sudden,’ she said, biting her lip. She pushed her wavy hair back behind her ear and glared at me. ‘Anyway, how is it OK that you can schedule a last-minute meeting for an idea that barely existed a week ago, but I need to plan my meetings better? Wow, it looks like that ridiculous evaluation was right. You should work on your Circle of Connectivity!’

Before I could reply, she tossed her empty coffee cup into the wastebasket and stormed away.

Oh crap.

Generally, Shirin was easy going, so I wasn’t expecting such an extreme reaction. I hoped she would forgive me for this soon. I decided I would tell her why I was so vehement about this after I got the promotion.

If this whole horoscope thing worked, that is.

I rubbed my eyes as I blinked at the screen. I’d been staring at my laptop for hours. Earlier in the evening, we had spotted ominously dark rain clouds in the horizon. Immediately, people had started to leave the office to avoid getting stranded in the endless traffic jams that came about when it rained. Normally, I would’ve been one of them too, but today I wanted to complete my presentation, and so I’d decided to risk it and stay. Thankfully, it hadn’t started raining yet.

My stomach grumbled unhelpfully, reminding me that it was almost dinner time. Kavya was going out today so I couldn’t rely on her. I made a mental note to place a Swiggy order as soon as I got ready to leave so that the food would arrive by the time I got home. Once again, I’d given up on my resolution to eat healthy. It was bad enough that I barely got any exercise and now my erratic eating habits would further exacerbate things.

‘Someone’s hard at work,’ Dhruv’s voice broke into my thoughts. I was surprised to see him. I had assumed I was the only person still here.

‘You know how it is,’ I said evasively. My throat felt scratchy and my voice sounded hoarse. I picked up my water bottle to take a sip, but it was empty. I walked towards the water cooler, hoping he’d leave. He followed me.

‘I think you need something stronger than water,’ Dhruv said. ‘Want to grab a beer?’

Um, what? Was he randomly asking me out on a Wednesday evening? If I agreed, my ‘square of spontaneity’ would no longer be non-existent. I filled my bottle and took a sip.

‘OK,’ I said tentatively, surprising myself. Suddenly, the rumbling in my stomach was replaced by a rush of butterflies. My cheeks were getting warm. I quickly took another sip of water.

‘Let’s go,’ he said. I walked back to my desk and began packing up my stuff. ‘You can tell me about your nefarious plans to beat me to the promotion.’

‘Don’t you wish,’ I said as I followed him out.

The square of spontaneity wasn’t working very well for me. Dhruv and I were at Byg Brewski, a pub that was frequented by almost all the office goers in the Sarjapur area. Even though it was the middle of the week, it was buzzing with activity. Almost every table was occupied, and with groups that advertised their IT-worker status through the unofficial uniform of jeans or shorts with ratty T-shirts. We settled down at a table by the fake pond in the centre of the pub. The string lights all around made it feel very date-like.

This isn’t a date, I told myself sternly.

‘I really like this place,’ Dhruv said as he slung his leather Tumi bag on the back of the chair. He even had his initials monogrammed on it. He definitely had fancy tastes and was attempting to project a ‘leadership’ vibe. I looked at my overstuffed backpack that was beginning to rip at the seams.

Definitely not a date.

‘What should we get?’ I asked as I flipped through the menu.

‘Oh, definitely the Amber Ale. I’ve tried all the specialities and that’s the best.’ I ordered that for him and a wheat beer for myself, and some nachos for the table.

‘How nice to hang out with a woman who’s not on a health kick,’ he grinned as he added onion rings to our order.

‘What’s the point of eating out if you skip nachos or fries,’ I retorted. He laughed out loud at that.

‘So, what’s keeping you late at work?’ he asked.

‘Just my proposal. But I’m not telling you about it,’ I replied.

‘Not even after a few drinks? What if I tell you what’s happening with mine?’ he asked.

‘Nice try!’

‘We’re both going to hear about each other’s projects eventually,’ he pointed out as a server brought our order to the table. ‘My campaign is nearly ready to launch. It’ll come up in the next monthly business review.’

At that, my heart started beating faster again. I was glad I hadn’t swapped slots with Shirin. I was definitely behind in this race. I kept a straight face.

‘So, am I allowed to ask how far you’ve got or is that off the table?’ he pressed. I took a giant gulp of beer so I didn’t have to answer right away.

‘Do people tend to talk shop while they’re out on a date?’ I said cheekily.

‘A date?’ he said as he leaned forward. The butterflies were back as he looked into my eyes. I thought he would look away but his gaze didn’t waver. ‘I was just asking a colleague for a friendly drink. Glam doesn’t have a policy against employees dating, but does that make this a date?’

If he was trying to see which of us would look away first, I wasn’t going to be the one to lose. I started back at him, ignoring the fact that my neck was getting hot and my cheeks were bright red at this point. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a group of women at a nearby table ogling at him. With his chocolate-boy looks, he was the best looking of all the pot-bellied, bearded Neanderthals in the place. I wondered what they thought of me.

‘I don’t fraternize with the enemy,’ I said. ‘I was merely commenting that dates should be free of any agendas.’

He grinned.

‘Why are you laughing at me,’ I burst out as he finally broke eye contact to wipe his eyes.

‘Sorry, sorry! I’m just messing with you. Seriously though, how far ahead is your project? Am I going to hear about it soon?’

‘As if Aakash hasn’t told you all about it,’ I retorted.

‘You’ve managed to keep this one pretty close to your chest,’ he said. ‘Sounds like you’re betting on winning this.’

‘I’m confident. Unlike you, the picture of arrogance.’

He pretended I’d hurt him, by miming an arrow to his heart. It was a cool Bangalore evening, but suddenly I couldn’t stop fanning myself. I was feeling really warm.

‘Aw, don’t say that! I’m just betting that the best person gets the promotion. And that’s usually me,’ he said with a broad smile. ‘But don’t worry, you still have a few weeks to get your grand plan approved by Abhimanyu.’

Ah. So he did know where I was stuck. I wondered if Abhimanyu was giving him details of just how much he was jerking me around for this approval.

‘Don’t count me out yet,’ I said, way more confidently than I felt.

‘So, if this were a date, what would be on your agenda?’ he asked, suddenly changing the subject.

‘Another drink,’ I replied, to avoid answering. ‘What about you?’

‘One more for me too,’ he said. ‘I’m going to head to the restroom. I’ll place the order on my way.’

As he walked away, I tried to clear my head. I needed to figure out if this evening was his unsubtle way of going on a date with me, or whether he wanted to get me drunk so he could get the details of my project.

‘Excuse me, can I take this chair,’ one of the girls I’d spotted eyeing Dhruv broke into my thoughts. I nodded and bent to pull out my phone so I wouldn’t have to engage with her.

‘I love your earrings,’ she said. I was wearing pink terracotta earrings that had a pair of eyes that stared you down. Kavya called them my ‘buri nazar wale, tera mooh kala’ earrings.

‘Thanks,’ I said, hoping she would take the hint and go away, now that I was staring intently at my phone.

‘We also loved your boyfriend’s T-shirt,’ she said. ‘Homer saying Doh-sa, so funny!’

Ah. They were trying to play the ‘is he your boyfriend game’. I opened my mouth to say that he wasn’t my boyfriend, when an evil thought crossed my mind. Just because I knew we weren’t dating didn’t mean I needed to offer him up on a platter, did it? I liked flirting with him when he wasn’t being an arrogant ass. In fact, if I were being completely honest, sometimes I liked flirting with him even when he was being an arrogant ass.

‘Oh Dhruv,’ I said as she smiled hopefully. I could see her mentally making a note of the name. ‘He’s not my boyfriend, he’s gay!’

I saw her smile fall as she quickly picked up the chair and ran to inform her friends.

‘Enjoy your evening,’ I called out as they all avoided eye contact with me. I noticed that they were drinking the house wine, the worst the bar had. They were going to have terrible hangovers.

Not one of them looked up or replied.

Dhruv walked back to the table with our beers and grinned, ‘Were you talking about me?’

‘No, she was just borrowing a chair,’ I replied nonchalantly. I was amazed at the self-confidence it took to assume that every conversation was about him. Even if this one had been.

As we had our second drink, he began probing me about my project again. I tried deflecting his questions as best as I could. Finally, out of desperation, I decided to change the subject.

‘It’s such a lovely evening, must we really waste it talking about work?’ I asked.

‘I believe we were going to talk about your agenda for the date earlier, but you didn’t seem to want to talk about that either,’ he said, leaning forward.

Oh. Was he trying to flirt with me?

‘We already established this wasn’t a date,’ I replied. I attempted to toss my hair, the way magazines always claimed was seductive, but somehow ended up giving myself a crick in my neck.

‘This one may not be, but maybe next time, it will be?’

He was definitely flirting with me. I was at a loss for words.

‘Tell me, Sitara, why do I get the feeling that you don’t like me?’

Suddenly, Kavya’s advice flashed back into my mind. Maybe I should put myself out there, be more open to having a fling.

‘What makes you think I don’t like you?’ I said, attempting fake nonchalance that I didn’t feel. I wished I remembered more of those magazine tips on flirting, but I was drawing a complete blank.

‘You don’t trust me enough to tell me what’s going on with you,’ he said, seriously. My cheeks were growing hotter and I could feel the tips of my ears burn.

‘I don’t know you that well Dhruv,’ I said, purposely misunderstanding him.

‘Well, why don’t we get to know each other now?’ he said.

I smiled shyly. And then he leaned forward and reached out for my hand. I wondered if I should pull it back, but I could hear Kavya telling me to go for it. I let him hold my hand as he looked deep into my eyes.

I took a deep breath. Dhruv was holding my hand! I was expecting to feel a sudden spark of electricity or some sort of connection with him. I realized I felt . . . nothing. I could’ve been holding anything in my hand.

Slowly, I pulled away my hand. It was getting a little too awkward. Besides, I didn’t want him to think he could lean in and kiss me. I shuddered at the thought as I remembered he’d been attacking the onion rings he’d ordered with gusto.

‘Did I do something wrong?’ he asked.

‘No,’ I said, reaching for my bag. ‘I think I heard my phone ring.’ I peered intently at the screen, pretending that something very important had come up. ‘Looks like my flatmate is locked out of the apartment. I’m going to have to rush to let her in!’

He looked a little disappointed, but didn’t make a move to stop me. I quickly left a few bills on the table to pay for my share as I collected my things and got ready to leave.

As I walked out, I wondered if I should let the girls know that Dhruv was available. I knew with utmost certainty that I no longer had a crush on him.