18

Behold Your (Un) Lucky Moon in Pisces

‘Will this work? I’m not convinced that people will pay to get these freebies,’ Ash said. He took a sip from his coffee cup as I tried not to look at the ‘ASS’ that the Starbucks barista had helpfully scrawled on it.

Across the table, Upasana was stifling her smile as she pretended to take notes. I knew she was busy doodling.

‘Ash, our customers are extremely value conscious,’ I began. ‘This programme charges a yearly fee and provides them with a host of benefits through the year. They get free samples, makeovers . . . ’

‘But why do we need to sell subscriptions? Instead, we can create a loyalty programme, the kind where people have to spend a lot of money to get a membership. That will drive more repeat purchases on Glam,’ he interrupted. He leaned forward and stared at me.

I glanced at Harsh. This was one of the most gruelling meetings I’d ever attended. Ash had been firing questions at me, and so far, I had to field them all. Tranquillity had well and truly left the building. I wondered if Ash had stopped drinking the custom blend herbal tea the programme had recommended. Or maybe the effects were wearing off.

I took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts before I responded.

‘Actually, Ash, others have done this. The exact same concerns came up at my previous organization, but now we can all see just how well a similar programme has worked for them. We need to communicate and offer great benefits, and people will sign up,’ Abhimanyu jumped in.

Ash nodded as I struggled to keep a straight face. My boss was busy avoiding my eyes, while Abhimanyu was busy helping me out.

Must be because his horoscope said that helping the team achieve a big goal will reap rich career rewards, I thought.

‘Also, we are planning features like a savings calculator that will show customers how much they have saved. It’ll become fairly clear to them that the benefits we are offering far outweigh the subscription fee,’ I added. I was hoping this would convince Ash.

He took another sip of coffee.

‘On the one hand, you want to create aspirational benefits that are not easily pegged to a rupee value. On the other hand, you want to put a savings calculator. This is not adding up.’

I had a sinking feeling that I was losing my grip on the presentation.

I looked at Harsh again. He appeared to be lost in thought. I hoped not stepping into the conversation was his misplaced way of trying to show I was in complete control. If so, he was doing a terrible job because it felt like he didn’t care about this project, or me.

Harsh took a deep breath and looked up. I perked up. Maybe he had finally decided to step in. Then he reached out for the bottle kept in the middle of the table, poured himself a glass of water and leaned back in his chair. He took a long sip, while I ground my teeth in frustration.

‘Actually, the vision is that we have one category of benefits that are linked to things like discounts and cashbacks that we can value very clearly. But we are also proposing things like expert makeovers, access to a personal stylist and so on, which can’t be valued. They’re things that will make people want to sign-up,’ I replied to Ash.

‘Let’s take a step back,’ Harsh began. I held my breath for a helpful comment. ‘I feel like we are rushing into a marriage with this list of initiatives, without dating first.’

Um, what?

‘I mean, I wouldn’t marry someone on the first date,’ he continued. ‘I have to know her . . . ’

There was an awkward pause as every single person in the room stared at him, wondering where he was going with this.

‘ . . . and she has to like me,’ he finished with a grin.

At that moment, I wished that Harsh had stuck with his original plan of not speaking. Anything would’ve been better than that ridiculous analogy.

Ash stood up. I held my breath, hoping he wasn’t about to storm out of the room.

‘Harsh has a point,’ Ash said, as he leaned against the wall. ‘This concept sounds interesting, but I don’t think we’ve identified how this project will get us our next round of funding.’

He looked directly at his reports Harsh, Abhimanyu and Abhijit. Now would be the perfect moment for Harsh to give a concrete solution. But he was busy staring at the ceiling as though the answers would magically appear there. Or maybe he was thinking about dating and marriage. I was furious. I had given Harsh a cheat sheet before this meeting, and it had included the answer to this question. I would have to answer this myself.

‘Ash, you’ve always said the best way to prove whether something works is through an experiment. We can offer a version of this programme to a small, targeted group of customers and measure the impact on all our metrics. It’ll help us prove the concept with no questions, and make an effective pitch to the board.’

Ash continued to sip his coffee and stare at his leadership team. It was almost as if he hadn’t heard a word I had said. I wondered if I should jump in again.

‘Sitara is right,’ Abhimanyu’s baritone broke into my thoughts. ‘From a marketing standpoint, we can identify the right target group to test this concept. We will need some product changes to effectively measure the results, and, of course, sales will have to crack the first set of deals, but this is doable . . . ’

Abhijit immediately jumped in.

‘Boss, the sales team is stretched thin. We’re struggling with the margins as it is, and now you also want me to go out and get freebies for an experiment with low volumes,’ he whined in that nasal voice of his.

My heart sank. If Abhijit wasn’t willing to get deals, there was no way we could run an experiment. And he was tough to argue with because he would keep whining until the other person gave up. He always made it seem as though anything we suggested would lead to an apocalyptic end.

‘In that case, I will fund the deals for the experiment from my marketing budget,’ said Abhimanyu immediately.

Abhijit opened his mouth but shut it as soon as he saw Ash nod and smile at Abhimanyu. Ash tossed his now-empty coffee cup into the dustbin kept in the corner of the room. He walked back to the table and sat down.

‘Now we’re getting somewhere. Sitara, do you have any resourcing asks?’ he asked.

I thanked God for the brainstorming session with Abhimanyu over the weekend. I hadn’t even considered that Ash would ask about resourcing, but Abhimanyu had specifically asked me to put a slide on this. I quickly pulled it up so everyone could read it.

‘We will have to deprioritize some other project if we need to do this,’ Harsh burst out immediately. He scowled at Abhimanyu.

‘Harsh, we can relook at our roadmap to figure out prioritization . . . ’ I began, wondering why he was even saying this to Ash. I had shown him this slide earlier and he hadn’t said a word. Besides, even if we needed to bump something off the roadmap, that was a call Harsh could take.

‘Abhimanyu,’ Harsh cut me off, ‘this is the third request from your team. You need to prioritize between this, the changes needed for Dhruv’s campaign and the new analysis tool you wanted by the end of this month.’

He looked very pleased at having pushed Abhimanyu into this situation. I wondered if Harsh was angling to get Dhruv’s project deprioritized to make it easier for me to get a promotion. Thankfully, Dhruv wasn’t in this meeting. He’d finally managed to convince Abhimanyu that he was really busy on his campaign and now Upasana was working with me instead.

‘Ash, BeauPlus just raised $50 million in funding for their beauty box. We have the beauty customers, we need to invest in them,’ I said, hoping this would tip the scales and get Dhruv’s project deprioritized.

Before Ash responded, Abhimanyu leaned forward. He took a sip of his coffee before he began speaking. ‘If we were to run an experiment, I expect we will need about two weeks of data to prove our results. We should deprioritize the work on the new tool and pick it up after this has launched.’

Harsh did not look pleased. And neither did Upasana. She put away her notebook and looked at Abhimanyu.

‘I’ve been working on this tool for two months,’ she burst out. ‘We can’t deprioritize it!’

‘We need to prioritize projects that will bring in funding,’ Ash interjected. ‘Whatever does not contribute to that goal is not critical.’

He effectively ended any debate with this pronouncement.

‘Upasana, we can discuss alternatives to unblock you offline,’ Abhimanyu added, in a tone that brooked no argument. She looked extremely annoyed, but didn’t say anything now that Ash had weighed in. She opened her notebook and went back to doodling. I suspected Abhimanyu would soon feature as a dragon in her next comic. Or a vampire. Or Dracula. Basically, something that she could kill on the pages of her sketchbook, if not in real life.

Harsh smiled widely, looking as though he had won an award. Of course, now that Ash was on board, he would immediately act as though he was responsible for making this happen.

‘OK folks, get to work. I look forward to seeing the results,’ Ash announced and swept out of the room.

Abhijit immediately pulled Abhimanyu to the side and began a heated conversation on how he was supposed to hit the monthly targets and also have ‘his guys’ find partners for this experiment. I walked over to them, hoping to add my two cents, but Harsh got there before me. He gestured to indicate I should leave them alone.

So now Harsh decided to get involved, I thought bitterly.

Glam Office Messenger Group Chat

[#Glaminions—11 a.m.] Bhargavi: I cracked it! Ash’s name is Ashwem.

[#Glaminions—11.01 a.m.] Aakash: Um, what?

[#Glaminions—11.01 a.m.] Bhargavi: He was talking about his sister today, and he said her name is Kabini. Like the river!

[#Glaminions—11.02 a.m.] Dhruv: So?

[#Glaminions—11.04 a.m.] Bhargavi: Arey, his parents are following that trend of naming their children after the places they were conceived in! You know, like Dakota or Sydney or whatever.

[#Glaminions—11.07 a.m.] Dhruv: So you think Ash was conceived on a beach in Goa?

[#Glaminions—11.10 a.m.] Bhargavi: Why not? As if you have a better idea!

I stifled a laugh and began typing a response when Upasana suddenly grabbed my arm. I was still standing outside the meeting room and I looked up expectantly, thinking she would suggest grabbing a coffee.

She was glaring at me.

I was confused.

‘What was that?’ she burst out.

‘What?’ I blinked at her in surprise, as I tucked a stubborn curl back behind my ear.

‘Some friend you are,’ she muttered. ‘Bringing up that funding story so Ash would deprioritize my project! And this, after I help you. Thanks a lot.’

‘Upasana . . . ’ I began.

‘I know. You need your promotion, so your work trumps all. Never mind that the rest of us also have targets. Who cares as long as you get your way!’

‘That’s not fair,’ I burst out. ‘I wasn’t trying to get your project deprioritized! I was only trying to make sure that my experiment got the green light . . . ’ I reached out to grab her arm, so I could stop her from walking away.

‘It’s not about whether or not Ash, or Harsh, or even Abhimanyu would listen,’ she spat out. ‘The point is, you didn’t even try to interject! I cannot believe you would do that to me.’ She blinked hard, and I knew she was fighting to hold back her tears.

‘Upasana . . . ’ I tried again. She shrugged and turned away. She began walking toward the exit. I saw Shirin get up from her seat and run behind her.

I began walking towards them, but didn’t know what to say now that they both were mad at me. I stopped and sighed.

If Shirin, who was generally quick to forgive, still hadn’t forgiven me for refusing to swap meeting slots with her, I didn’t know what to expect from Upasana who was known for maintaining a running hit list of all those who’d wronged her. I guessed I would be the one featuring as Dracula or a vampire in her sketchbook today. Or maybe even a female Judas.

I felt the beginnings of a headache. I pressed at my temples.

As I walked back to my desk, I spotted Dhruv, Aakash, Bhargavi and a few others huddled in a corner. The looks I got when I passed them suggested I was the hot topic of discussion. I overheard some words like ‘selfish’, ‘aggressive’, ‘cut-throat’, ‘anything for a promotion’, and so on. Not one of them had been in the meeting, so I wondered how the office grapevine already had all the updates. Especially since they were busy discussing Ash’s conception while the meeting was going on.

That’s when I remembered—the meeting room we were using had thin walls and was adjacent to Abhimanyu’s office. Dhruv must’ve parked himself in the office as we often did when the bosses weren’t there. He had probably overheard the entire conversation.

What a slimy bastard, I thought.

He was definitely relaying the blow-by-blow, and adding as much extra masala he could to fan the flames. I wondered if he had created a separate Instant Messenger group just to relay this information, because there was no mention of it on the regular group. I couldn’t believe I once had a crush on this guy. Just looking at him now made my skin crawl.

‘This is how you get ahead in the corporate world! Every rung in the ladder is someone you’re stepping on and that’s exactly what she’s doing,’ I overheard someone say, as everyone giggled.

The comment was timed and said in a sotto voce loud enough to get a rise out of me. I bit my lip to stop myself from responding.

At that moment I hated Dhruv. He was just as smarmy as Aakash, but did a much better job at covering his ickiness. I pulled out my phone, pretending to be completely absorbed in it, so it seemed like I wasn’t bothered by what they were saying.

And that’s when I spotted the notification.

Best-Buds@Glam has been archived.