You Know You’re from Melbourne If …

When diarising anything in September you first consult the footy fixture.

You were shocked when you found out not all street directories are called Melway.

When everyone knows where a bar, café or restaurant is, you no longer want to go there.

You know Sunshine, Rosebud and the Caribbean Gardens are not as good as they sound.

You consider yourself a socialist yet you drive a European car and have a cleaner.

You’d rather sit next to Guy Rundle on a plane than Guy Pearce.

You’ve attended a children’s party that had rice-paper rolls, couscous salad, croquembouche and a piñata.

You or someone you know has received a grant.

It’s not Noosa, it’s Noysa. And it’s not the snow, it’s the snoy. And it’s Malvern now, not Chadstone, thanks to rezoning.

You refer to rococo furniture as ‘very Franco Cozzo.’

You felt betrayed when you discovered Melbourne was not the only place in the world withtrams.

If I say Jennifer Keyte and Johnny Diesel, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

You think the slogan on our number plates should be ‘Melbourne: The Coffee Is Shit Anywhere Else,’ ‘Melbourne: Go to Sydney. We Hate Tourists’ or ‘Melbourne: What School Did You Go To?’

You know the word Moomba means ‘Up your bum, white man.’

You’re not happy Melbourne has been voted the world’s most livable city. You’d prefer it was voted most enigmatic, tortured and slightly dangerous city.

You think the only person who looks good with a moustache is Ron Barassi.

You’ve looked out the window of Puffing Billy and waved like an idiot at the cars at the railway crossing. And you’ve watched Puffing Billy pass as you sat in a car at the railway crossing and waved like an idiot.

You think Beyondblue does great work but you hate the way it makes Jeff Kennett look good. Which is depressing.

Any music by Paul Kelly makes you suddenly think of the Nylex sign and something about making gravy.

When you meet someone from Kew, you always ask, ‘Near Kew?’

Jon Faine shits you but you can’t switch him off .

You’ve been to the Royal Melbourne Show and you know the scariest ride is the train home.

You don’t get the jokes about the Yarra. Or Melbourne weather.

When you hear the word ‘Bougainville’ you think of Northland.

You don’t judge people by their looks, wealthor status but by the bread they buy, the coffee they serve and the newspaper they read.

You know a kid withtwo mummies. Bothcalled Roz. Who live in Northcote.

You pretend the Sydney–Melbourne rivalry doesn’t exist.

Which it doesn’t. Because Sydney doesn’t care. And that really shits you.

You brag that Melbourne is the creative capital of Australia, but your walls are full of signed football jumpers.

When someone says thanks you say, ‘No Dromanas.’

When you hear the word ‘Easter’ the first thing you think of is the Royal Children’s Hospital appeal and Zig and Zag. And then you quickly think of something else.

If someone is referred to as a ‘showbag,’ you know it means they’re cheap and full of shit.

Your kid’s favourite foods are sushi, spanakopita and felafel. Which are also the names of the three kids they sit next to at school.

If a friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your first question is, ‘Who do they barrack for?’

You think that if we all ignore Federation Square, Docklands and Robert Doyle they’ll go away.

You can list all the ingredients in pesto. And you’re three years old.

Cup Day. Gambling at 9 a.m. Drunk by noon. Broke at 3.20 p.m. Asleep by 4 p.m. Hungover at 5 p.m. All while at work.

You think Aberfeldie is a tartan, Coonan’s Hill is a wine and SouthWharf is in Sydney.

Chopper Read, Ned Kelly, Squizzy Taylor, the Morans and the Williamses. Sure, they’re crims, but we all agree they’ve given the place colour.

You lose respect for friends if they move over the other side of the river.

When holding a dinner party, you know the point is to serve food no one has ever heard of, from a country people didn’t know existed, bought from a little shop they’ll never be able to find.

You were against the casino but, you have to admit, it does keep the bogans out of the city.

Pot, cantaloupe, potato cake and hook turn. Build a bridge and get over it.