A Proposed Australian Bill of She’ll Be Rights, Mate

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1. The right to redefinition

Any sportsman who has displayed the behaviour of a thug, an alcoholic, a violent sociopathor a rapist has the right to be described as a ‘rough diamond,’ ‘loveable rogue’ or ‘knock about character’ with a ‘heart of gold.’

2. The right to fish for compliments from foreign visitors

Citizens have the right to ask foreigners, ‘How do you like Australia?’ If the foreigner does not respond enthusiastically that ‘Australia is the greatest place in the world,’ the foreigner is immediately to be deported and forced to wear a Ken Done ‘I Love Australia’ T-shirt for the rest of their lives.

3. The prohibition against excluding oneself from a shout

When draining a few cans at a local establishment, no person is to undermine the liberty of his compatriots by refusing to participate in the shout – excuses of being a poof, having to get up early or being violently allergic to alcohol notwithstanding.

4. The right to cringe, culturally speaking

a) When watching a feature film from Overseas, the appearance of any person with anAustralian accent is to be heralded withthe excited ejaculation: ‘That guy’s Australian. Did you hear that?’

b) Citizens must take every opportunity to remind fellow citizens that we invented the Hills Hoist, the VCR and the wine cask. ‘We’ means all of us. It is prohibited to acknowledge the names of the individuals responsible. When one wins, we all win. When one of us fails, he or she is unAustralian.

c) A citizen is honoured withthe title ‘Our’ when people from Overseas acknowledge he or she exists. E.g. ‘Our Hugh,’ ‘Our Nic,’ ‘Our Cate,’ ‘Our Kylie’ and ‘Our Mary, Princess of Denmark.’

5. The right to bear jingos

The flying of the Australian flag outside a person’s home or the wearing of an Australian flag to a sporting event is an unassailable right of Australian citizens. It confirms their jingoism and reinforces their belief that Australia is better than Anywhere Else and, by extension, that they are better than Anyone Else for living Here.

6. The responsibility to Australianise

Citizens are required to act ‘more Australian than Steve Irwin’ when conversing withrecently arrived visitors from Overseas. Citizens are required to punctuate sentences with‘bonza,’ ‘sheila,’ ‘crikey,’ ‘strewth’ and ‘cobber,’ and to draw the visitor’s attention to our extreme weather and dangerous animals. It is imperative for citizens to imply that foreigners are weak and would be unable to live here because they ‘couldn’t hack it.’ It is compulsory for citizens to extract an admission of defeat or inadequacy from the foreigner.

7. Ladies, bring a plate

8. The right to the survival of our language

The use of the terms ‘Pull my finger,’ ‘I’ve had a gutful,’ ‘What are you looking at?,’ ‘I shagged your sister,’ ‘Come here and say that,’ ‘You. Me. Carpark. Now,’ ‘While you’re down there,’ ‘Have a stab,’ and ‘Cracked the shits’ is enshrined in this charter. So too the universal recognition that a person you call ‘a bastard’ you are fond of, but a person you call ‘a bit of a bastard’ you are not.

9. The right to denial

Citizens have the right to refuse to acknowledge the existence of Tall Poppy Syndrome by playing the Underdog Card. Identifying as an underdog comforts the citizen who is not successful enough to be a tall poppy, while conveying the impression they never wanted to be one anyway, because tall poppies are wankers and deserve to be cut down. Even though they don’t exist.

10. The right to make jokes about New Zealanders

All citizens have the right to refer to Kiwis as ‘sheep shaggers,’ categorically refusing to acknowledge that that’s what the rest of the world calls us.

11. The right to crack open a can of who gives a rat’s?

Federation? Constitution? Words to the national anthem? Stuffed if I know.

12. There is a universal agreement that over the fence is out

13. The right to claim the normal human response to tragedy as ‘uniquely Australian’

When a national tragedy occurs, citizens must vicariously experience the event via media saturation and trauma porn. Citizens must comment that acts of compassion and assistance are ‘uniquely Australian’ and ‘an intrinsic part of the Australian character.’ Any suggestion that this is a normal reaction and a universal expression of the human spirit is prohibited.

14. The right to defend our slags, scrags and scrubbers

Citizens are to be outraged when migrants call our women ‘sluts.’ All citizens are obliged to uphold our women’s honour by strenuously asserting that we have the best sluts in the world, which is why they call this place the Lucky Country.

15. The right to refuse to loan a power tool

Any person approached by a fellow citizen widely acknowledged to be a bludger, a bit dodgy or a bloody hopeless klepto and requesting to borrow a power tool has the right to respond, ‘Rack off and buy your own, you tightarse. And by the way, I want me shifters back.’

16. Freedom of religion

The religious beliefs of Australian citizens are to be strenuously tolerated and respected. As long as you’re a Christian or not too Jewish, and not weird like those Muslims, those Buddhists or them atheists. The term Christian does not include Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, SeventhDay Adventists, people who speak in tongues and pass out or any of those happy-clappy churches that involve public displays of emotion or affection.

17. The right to believe

Citizens are compelled to believe that the Australian accent is the most difficult to learn and that the consumption of Vegemite and beer and the wearing of thongs represent a cultural odyssey and are the test of true patriotism.

18. The use of the word ‘unAustralian’

The word ‘unAustralian’ is to be reserved as the most heinous insult to describe any person, action or opinion not considered to uphold traditional Australian values. The term ‘queue jumper’ is the second most heinous. The opposite of ‘unAustralian’ is ‘little Aussie battler.’ ‘Little Aussie battler’ is Australian for ‘we have a massive chip on our shoulders.’ Little Aussie battlers live on Struggle Street.

19. The biggest crime an Australian can commit is to be up him or herself.

20. The universal rule of lawn

When mowing your nature strip it is customary to mow your neighbour’s. If you don’t, you’re unAustralian. And a queue jumper. And up yourself.

21. The obligation to celebrate being a good house in a bad street

Citizens of Australia are obliged to puff out their chests and yell ‘Oi! Oi! Oi!’ about being ‘world class’ at anything, no matter how trivial or distasteful. Particularly if it involves beating the Poms.

22. The right to be disappointed

Citizens of Australia maintain the right to be disappointed if their prime minister is not Aussie enough. And when we say Aussie, we mean a piss-head. Citizens are entitled to laugh and mock when watching the prime minister stiffly drink a beer in a country pub while wearing a brand-new Akubra hat and neatly ironed moleskin jeans.

23. The freedom to denationalise

If an Australian succeeds Overseas and acquires an American accent, he or she is no longer considered Australian. E.g. Greg Norman, Helen Reddy, Rupert Murdoch and Elle MacPherson. Mel Gibson is exempt owing to the technicality that he was born in the USA. And that he is mental. If the Australian accent isn’t good enough for you, you are no longer good enough for us. The only exception is Peter Allen, and that’s only because he sang ‘I Still Call Australia Home.’ In an American accent.

24. The right to emotionally abuse foreigners

When a migrant attempts to assimilate, the wog / chink / darky / towelhead / curry muncher / slaphead or desert rat must be aggressively stereotyped and must submit to verbal ridicule, practical jokes and cultural harassment. Asians can’t drive and are good at fixing computers. Middle Eastern people are all falafel-eating terrorists. Mediterraneans are hotheads who drive too fast and talk withtheir hands. In the case of Scandinavians, jokes about Ikea and Volvos are required but the knowledge there are differences between Sweden, Norway and Denmark is not. NOTE: English and American nationals are singled out for particularly brutal and sustained treatment. If foreigners take issue withracial vilification it is the obligation of citizens to explain that it’s the way we show people we like them. And if they don’t like it, to tell them to rack off back to their own country.

25. The freedom to sell your soul to the sappers down Khe San

Australian nationals travelling to Asia have the freedom to loudly sing Cold Chisel songs after consuming their bodyweight in alcohol, accusing a taxi driver of ripping them off and blaming the effects of the previous day’s drinking on food poisoning.

26. The right to a fair go

All white, middle-class, heterosexual Australian blokes you are mates withhave the right to a fair go.

27. The prohibition against complaining

Citizens are prohibited from correcting a person who has shortened their name, even if they have clearly introduced themselves as Philip, Stephen, Peter, Margaret, Patricia, James or Kathleen. Phil, Stevo, Petey, Marg, Trish, Jim and Kathy are obliged to shut up and get over themselves. To disregard people’s given and preferred names is a sign of affection. Like it or not. Complaining or mentioning it is unAustralian.

28. The Dreamtime

No matter how strident and outspoken an atheist, a sceptic or a rationalist may be, they must never question the Dreamtime.